[Closed] tell me a joke.

walked into the local last night barman said 'you look better without glasses'

i replied 'i never wear glasses'

he say 'yeah but i do'

2 crows sat by the road , one says to the other 'car car'

2 pins , one says to the other ' you've got a point'

Why did the hedgehog cross the road , to see his flat mate.

As donated by Luke (5).

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

Man walks into a bar

'OUCH'

it was an iron bar (badum tish)

What do you call a fairy who doesn't take baths?

Stinkerbell!

(Mackenzie, age 4)

Two birds sitting on a perch. One says, "Can you smell fish?"

knock knock

The police came to my door last night, they had a picture of my wife. The policeman says, 'is this your wife sir?' I said, 'yes', the policeman says, 'It looks like she's been in an accident' & I said, 'I know, but she's got a lovely personality'

I can't beleive it, my girlfriend has just dumped me, she says I was too perverted.

I nearly gagged on her pish when she told me.

A zebra and a stallion are standing in a field. The zebra is looking at the stallion and says to him, "So, what do you do then?" The stallion says, "Take off those pyjamas and I'll show you."

Marriage is like a deck of cards.

First of all it's Hearts and Diamonds, then after a time, its a club and a spade you want.

EA Sports to add 4 new cheats to Fifa 11...

Rooney, Terry, Crouch and Cole

Nine out of ten people enjoy gang r@pe.

Was in the alehouse last night and see this fella in a black top, black shorts and black socks with a whistle in his mouth, I thought to myself 'He's going to kick off in a minute'.

why did the baker have smelly hands?

because he kneaded a poo.

whats the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?

I've not got a Ferrari in my garage

Paddy weighs 20st, so his Doctor puts him on a diet."I want u 2 eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, eat for 2 days, skip a day & so on for 2 wks. U should lose 5lbs." When Paddy returned, he shocked the Doctor by having lost 4st. "Thats amazing !'' said the Doc !"... Paddy nodded..."I'll tell u be Jesus, I taut I was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day." "Wot, from hunger ?'' said the Doc..."No, from all the skippin !"

I came on the train today.

I think it was the vibrations.

Sorry.

Enjoy the little things in life.
Rape a midget

My girlfriend and I ended up having the mother of all breakups last night, the underlying message being that my "sense of direction was causing huge problems in the relationship".

Eventually, tired and frustrated, I stood up, packed my things and right.

You don't have to be good at anagrams to see that Pope Benedict is an Epic Bent Pedo.

Two nuns in a bath.
- Where's the soap?
- Yeah, it does, doesn't it?

national survey reports

" six out of seven dwarfs are not happy"

What's the difference between oral and anal?

One can make your whole day but the other can make your whole week.

@ keefus - who's there?

I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. 2 birds one stone.

two fish in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"

where does kylie get her kebabs??? jason's doner van

smirk

A man walks into the doctors with a stick of celery up his nostril and a banana in his ear.
The doctor gives him the once over and says, "your problem is you're not eating properly"

Two nuns riding down a cobbled street on a tandem, one says, 'I've never come this way before'

Paddy says to his missus 'Shall we try the wheelbarrow tonight?' 'What in the name of Jesus is that?' says she. 'Well, you bend over and put your hands on the floor, I pick up your legs and take you from behind'

OK, says she, but on two conditions. One, you'll stop if it hurts, and two, we don't go past me ma's house.

Took a Dyslexic girl home from the boozer last night.

Bit of a nightmare.

She ended up cooking my sock.

Can't believe George Michael's written a song already. Dedicated to his skinhead cellmate, its called "Hairless Fister!!!

I've just finished downloading the Koran

If anybody wants a copy burned, let me know.

What do you call a frenchman wearing sandles?
Philipe Flop

How to mexicans fit their carpets?
with underlay! underlay! underlay!

Went to the zoo today. It was not good. They only had 1 animal, a small dog. It was a Shitzu

bloke walks into a doctors very carefully

"what's up with you then" asks the doctor

"I'm not sure how to explain, so I'll just show you". at this the man drops his pants and bends over to show a massive gaping bumhole.

"**** me" cries the doctor, "I've never seen anal damage like that, what the **** happened?"

"well I was on safari and needed a poo one night, so I left the camp to find a nice quiet bush to have a dump in. at this point a bull elephant ran up behind me and buggered the life out of me!!"

"hmmmmm that sounds plausible, but your bumhole looks far to stretched for the circumference of an elephants penis" says the Dr.

"yeh the ****er fingered me first!"

Elton John's tribute song to Mother Theresa: sandals in the bin

What's the difference between jam and marmalade?
You can't marmalade your c*** up a birds arse.

Rick Astley phoned me last night to ask if he could borrow my collection of Pixar movies.

I said to him, "Ok Rick, you can have Toy Story, Finding Nemo and Cars, but I'm never going to give you Up".

Two sausages in a frying pan. One says "wow it's hot in here", the other says "**** me, a talking sausage!"

What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons?
Hose A and Hose B

A man walks into a pub

*ouch*

It was an iron pu.... oh hang on that doesn't work

A man asked me "Do you want a go on an ice-rink for 10p?"

Cheapskate

bump....

I said to the wife "Give me a blowjob".
She said "Are you feeling horny?".
I said "No, I just want 15 minutes peace and quiet".

I told my mate the other day that I was shagging a pair of twins. He asked how I them apart? Well, Liz has a dimple on her buttock, and Tony's got a cock.

Whats E.T short for? ...

Because he had little legs.

whats green and smells of pork? kermits fingers.

What's yellow and stinks of piss?

The 'To Let' sign outside my dyslexic mate's house.

my wife gets really annoyed when I use the word 'c**t.'

I suppose she's got a point, I really should make the effort to learn her mother's real name.

My wife was watching Loose Women earlier when the competition question came on, it was:

Complete this saying 'Strike when the iron is...'
A) Hot
B) Cold
C) Warm

I have now written a full letter of complaint to ITV asking why the correct answer of 'not on' was not listed.

The other day I realised I can exactly replicate the sound of hitting two coconut shells together simply by riding a horse down a cobbled street.

A bloke goes to a whore and asks to have sex with her using his foot. 'You filthy bstard, says she - go on then, but it will cost you £1000'. Fine, he says, gets to it and goes away a happy man.

A week later, he wakes up with this oozing sore on his big toe. He gets down the doctors and presents it, and the Doc can't believe what he's seeing, goes away to consult the medical literature. After an hour he comes back and says 'You're not going to believe this, you have clap of the foot!'

'Clap of the foot!' says the guy, 'that's amazing - I bet that's the weirdest thing you've ever seen as a Doctor'
'Not quite', says the Doc - 'Had a woman in here this morning with athletes c_nt'

I went out clubbing last week. The bouncer wouldnt let me in - 'No tie'
Well I popped back to the car to see if I had one there, no luck, but I did have a set of jump leads. I grabbed the red one, well its a club, not a funeral, wrapped it round my neck, and went back to the club.
Bouncer looks me up and down, and says 'well you can come in - But dont start anything'

Why don't fairies ever get pregnant?

'cause they only go to goblin parties

How do you kill a Circus?

Aim for the Juggler.

I went to B&Q yesterday and some old feller in orange overalls asked me if I wanted decking.............. luckily I got my punch in first....