[Closed] Talk to me about.. a new life

How does that work? I'm contracted to work set hours, I can't just work less when I feel like it.

If your expenditure was lower you could potentially afford to work part-time, possibly in a different job if the current job doesn't allow.

That's famously difficult. I've considered it, not sure what I'd actually do. And it's a huge gamble isn't it? I'm not sure how I'd do it without putting my family security at risk.

Again, not meaning to be harsh but you seem to have a bit of a 'can't do' attitude, and you're not sure what it is that you really want. I don't think your situation is going to change much with that in mind. If there is something you feel sufficiently passionate about then you have to make time to do it and get on with it - if not then don't bother and stop complaining! 🙂

you seem to have a bit of a 'can't do' attitude

Hmm.. beware of making crass predictions about people you don't really know.

My post there was caution about the difficulty of starting your own business, and had some questions in it. Would it be wise for me to quit my job and start some venture with no idea how to do it?

I'll admit I don't have an idea of a business to start - anything I could think of would be in a crowded area, and I've no idea if it would work or not. I don't really know how to find out if it would, either.

I would have to be pretty confident it was going to work to do attempt something like that, and I'd have to have security.

In reality contracting is a good option, but now we have the issue of school for the kids. Never realy had a solution for that.

Hmm.. beware of making crass predictions about people you don't really know.

Just an observation - obviously I don't really know you so take it with whatever sized pinch of salt you feel is appropriate.

My post there was caution about the difficulty of starting your own business, and had some questions in it. Would it be wise for me to quit my job and start some venture with no idea how to do it?

Do you have to quit your job? Eg I have started a photography business, while still working part-time on a (very small) salary in my old job.

I'll admit I don't have an idea of a business to start - anything I could think of would be in a crowded area, and I've no idea if it would work or not. I don't really know how to find out if it would, either.

Mine is in a crowded area, and I've no idea if it will work in the long term, but I'm going to give it a good go. I'm not sure there is any way of finding out without just going for it.

There's also the issue of golden handcuffs. I've ended up through bad planning in a situation where I need quite a big salary to fund the household.

Being a photographer would be a great business, but I can only imagine that I have enough talent to make it work. I've got no idea really!

It's easy to start a business, a little harder to build a good reputation and client base. If you don't give up the day job initially you don't take much risk. Do some market research which includes having your first clients on board the day you start and it's not a gampble either. Your wife may want to get on board as it would allow her to work from home and have more time with the kids. You might find she is better at some aspects of the business and leaves you to look after the kids sometimes.

We met a guy cycling though Germany that had set up a business tutoring kids in London for £50 an hour. A computer bod I know mixes a few hours teaching at the univesity with self-employed consulting. A geologist found oil companies prefered paying him a small fortune when they needed him rather than have him on the books all the time.

I used to be ambitious but 15 years of corporate life taught me that it isn't necessarily the brightest or cleverest or even hardest working that get the rewards - in fact it appears to be a disadvantage, as no one can afford to not have you in your job. I've been a lot happier since I made peace with that, and realised I'd be happy stacking shelves if I could cover the bills as all my real 'wants' lie outside of work.

This guy speaks the truth

Clients for what though? What business? That's the issue.

I have no skills that I could consult for short periods of time. The only experience I've had has been implementation of projects which is a long term thing. I don't even know of any roles that consult short term, apart from the one I am in now for my employer. I've never known anyone do my job independently on a short term consulting basis though.

Tutoring I could do though.

realised I'd be happy stacking shelves if I could cover the bills as all my real 'wants' lie outside of work.

See.. I've stacked shelves, when I didn't need the money, and the job itself was utterly awful. I couldn't stack shelves, even if it paid well enough.

The guy who represented Britain in 100m freestyle in the LA games lives here in Pau. When he quit swimming he moved to France and started landscape gardening. He found that customers liked his style which contrasted with the "green concrete" of many French gardeners and has a successful business. Total investment: a van, a trailer and the tool collection most people hav ein their shed.

Think of anything you can do, could do and most of all, think you'd be happy enough doing not to spend all day wishing you were doing something else. Youmay find it bizarre but I enjoyed teaching English to oil drillers more than working on environmental science projects. I made a lot more money too thanks to all those that worked for me.

Think of anything you can do, could do and most of all, think you'd be happy enough doing not to spend all day wishing you were doing something else.

I've thought about this a lot. I'm not sure there is anything. My brain seems to always want to be elsewhere.

Writer I could maybe do, maybe photographer. I love to fix things and solve problems (which is what I like about my current job) but once I've solved a problem I need a new one, and I need it quickly.

Yoou like fixing things - plumber! Sign up for City and Guilds evening classes or wahtever they call them now.

Rdit: or a roofer if you're into mountaineering.

molgrips, I have no idea what you earn, but I would be happy to look at your CV in relation to the work we corresponded over about two years ago. Then you could have 13 weeks off per year. 😉

Seriously, there is quite a bit of scope for traipsing about woods, camping, exploring, or doing whatever else takes your fancy in this job.

musician... if you've even got a hint of what it takes inside you to achieve that you'd be writing music in any free second you had.

photographer... easy to enter your photos into competitions, easy to start a business that wont impact on your current paid work until you're earning money from it, the amount of free time you have to play on STW could be used for editing etc. my dad and step mum did just that and were being paid over 1.5k a wedding within weeks of setting up the business.

writer... again... if you've got free time to post on STW you could be working on your great novel or whatever you want to write.

no excuses, if you want to even work towards achieving your dreams, then get on with it and prove everyone who's ever predicted you'd back out of a race, not commit to a diet, or doubted you'd commit properly to achieving all the goals you set yourself.

i'm guessing mrsgrips knows you better than anybody from what you've said on here in the past about your relationship, does she see a writer, musician etc inside you? 🙂

Sometimes you've got to 'JFDI' in order to make huge changes. Can't see that happening when you're a responsible parent.

I'm sure there are changes that can be made along the way which will fill the gaps.

I left my responsible job in the Uk and now do gardening for the rich and famous in the South of France. Not sure I'd have taken such a huge leap with children to consider.

Good luck with whatever path you take.

Yoou like fixing things - plumber!

Not hard enough.

if you've even got a hint of what it takes inside you to achieve that you'd be writing music in any free second you had.

I sing my own music in my head all the time. Lyrics, musicianship and self criticism are the problem! I play, but not well enough to get what's in my head out.

easy to start a business that wont impact on your current paid work

Really? I don't think so. It'd take most weekends to earn a crust as a wedding/event snapper. Plus I'd need a boatload of kit, my amateur stuff won't cut it.

writer... again... if you've got free time to post on STW you could be working on your great novel or whatever you want to write.

I've mulled over many books in my head, I do have one on the go right now that will blow you away, seriously, it's that good 🙂

If I could just finish with with enough energy.. maybe that's the root problem - how to deal with work.

Write it then.

Thanks, Einstein.

I think your actually in a pretty strong position...you have skills which allow you to freelance and the contractor market is buoyant at the moment.

You have a family, and you need to keep them secure. From what you have posted on this thread, there seems a pretty obvious path to realising a lot of your aspirations...go back to contracting, knuckle down, and use the money wisely to pay off your mortgage and buy some freetime to indulge the things you want to explore.

You said you freelanced before, but the money evaporated. The thoughts you are having now should be making you revaluate what you can achieve with your money. You don't have to fall into the contractor bullshitfest lifestyle. Use the money to strengthen your (and your families) position.

Your really fortunate, you should approach this from a position of strength, not weakness.

boat load of kit... it wasn't long ago you started a thread about buying a boat!

i'm like you molly, i sit and daydream about being able to achieve loads of things if i put my mind to it... after all, i'm a clever guy who's done well in everything he's applied himself to, my teachers and parents always said i could, high IQ, taller than deadlydarcy, massive penis... the world's my oyster. many times i've made moves towards achieving those things and either get bored quickly or realise i'd need to put much more work in and kinda give up.

luckily i've found a vocation i'm awesome at, and its completely natural to me so 99% of the time doesn't feel like a job.

big thing i learnt a long time ago is that lifes too short to spent time worrying about what i can't achieve (whether through time constraints, financial constraints, location, relationships, dependants etc etc etc) but think i could be capable of.... and to focus on what i can achieve just by playing my strengths and making the most of everyone and everything i love.

I have all the same feelings, but I don't do anything because I'm scared but unlike phill above my penis is quite small.

How much could you rent your house out for?

How much could you rent a smaller house / flat for?
Do you or your wife have family near by that you could live with for say 12 months?

A small business for some one like your self could be Java training (I seem to remember you said you develop in Java?) or OO design or project management. Set yourself up and offer a short course, 1 - 5 days ring round a load of companies and offer the course to them at their premises. If you start off with really short courses (1-2 days) you could even do a few with a combination of sickies and holiday time and keep your current job. Try and get a part time job at a FEA or similar the you could have a small but reliable wage and have time to do other work.

If all else fails sell drugs, they can be very profitable.

you didn't answer the question about mrsgrips 🙁 you guys have a super honest relationship from what you've said in the past, has she read the book? 🙂

go back to contracting, knuckle down, and use the money

Yeah I've basically decided I'm going to do this. The issue last time was a serious deterioration in my CV due to a really rubbish couple of jobs. One reason for taking this permie job was to get some good skills and experience, which I think it will do. I'm already at a higher level on projects than I have been in the past.

A small business for some one like your self could be Java training

Yeah, that is a good idea. I think I could be really good at it in fact, I love to teach.

has she read the book?

I haven't written any of it yet, but I don't think it's the kind of book she'd like. Maybe though, depends how it turns out. It'll be one of those books where the plot isn't particularly important, but it needs a reasonably strong one all the same.

You're right Phil. Well a couple of days back on STW were entertaining but there's a real world out there and it shouldn't be too hot to venture out into it tomorrow. Good luck with whatever you end up doing, Molgrips.

Thank you, IHN, for starting the Endinburgh thread, I wondered where Don, TJ and TSY had gone; a great pity.

and to focus on what i can achieve just by playing my strengths and making the most of everyone and everything i love

So, giving up on my dreams then?

I've not given up on any dreams, I've achieved everything I wanted so far 🙂 I said I have daydreams, not pipe dreams of being a famous author, musician, podium standing cyclist, mountain climbing photographer who also manages to find time to be a good dad 😉

Find your bliss and a whole pathway of possibilities will open up in front of you if it's truly what you're capable of and have a real, determined passion and natural ability for.

Have the strength to change what You can, and the wisdom to know what you cannot.

That's why I said ambition was a curse. It means I'm hard to please.

Have the strength to change what You can, and the wisdom to know what you cannot.

That's the whole point of this thread!

That's famously difficult. I've considered it, not sure what I'd actually do. And it's a huge gamble isn't it? I'm not sure how I'd do it without putting my family security at risk.

I thought this, and didn't set up on my own for years and years. Then got made redundant and went for it in the absence of any more compelling avenues. I'm doing essentially what I was doing before (minus the faff of managing folk) except more on my own terms. Not earning as much as I did and keeping very strange hours but I kind of like the direct correlation between doing things and (eventually) getting paid. And I very much like working in a shed in the garden, mostly being around for family meals, mostly deciding when I want to work -- as long as it all gets done, the exact times of day I do it are irrelevant. MrsD looks after the books and numbers 'cos I'm terrible at that stuff.

The main thing, though, is that I kind of wish I'd done it a lot sooner.

I'd be happy with some of them. Or even the pursuit of some of them.

Time is the real issue. 5 weeks a year off is not enough.

Maybe try doing more fun stuff at the weekends?
Your kids are very portable at that age and are luckily entertained very cheaply. (as opposed to teenagers wanting theme parks etc)

I have 3 sons and we spend most weekends going on bike rides, camping or if we fancy a city break, then book a cheap Premier inn.

The housework, diy , gardening etc is put on hold, I only do the bare minimum at weekends. They are our family time and life is too short to waste it.
Also try alternating going off/out on your own for the weekend, once a month for example, without he kids/other half so you get your own time out.

None of it has to cost much money, just depends what floats your boat 🙂

have you tried a mistress?

The housework, diy , gardening etc is put on hold,

The housework and diy never gets done in our house. Looking after the kids all day and night on her own, Mrs Grips hasn't the energy or inclination to clean when a few moments present themselves. So if we don't try at weekends, nothing gets done at all.

We do go out at weekends of course and do stuff, and go away sometimes too. Of course when I'm away all week (which I will be the rest of the year) I need a rest at the weekend so going away is a bit much.

Time is the real issue

At the risk of sounding rude, you spend a lot of time tossing it off on STW, and then complain you don't have enough time for more meaningful stuff?

The housework and diy never gets done in our house. Looking after the kids all day and night on her own, Mrs Grips hasn't the energy or inclination to clean when a few moments present themselves. So if we don't try at weekends, nothing gets done at all.

Then maybe she could benefit from getting herself a new routine? So then this would in turn benefit you as a family, so there is more free time at weekends.
There are plenty of women who single-handely raise kids, work and do housework, diy etc.
If your wife is struggling just to do some of this during the day then maybe she is not organising her time that well either.

Whilst young children are demanding, they are not a reason to put your own life on hold.

At the risk of sounding rude, you spend a lot of time tossing it off on STW,

Only when I'm at work or languishing in a hotel room doing admin or other work stuff.

You won't find many posts from me at weekends or evenings when I'm wfh.

Then maybe she could benefit from getting herself a new routine?

Again, fairly obvious! She is really strugging with health, possibly because she doesn't get enough sleep.

Whilst young children are demanding, they are not a reason to put your own life on hold.

Eh..? It's not like we've made some sort of conscious decision to live in a crappy house and struggle with things, for the benefit of the kids. Putting our lives on hold is exactly what we're trying to avoid, hence the thread!

So what is it you are looking to change?
Is it your work/free time balance
Your wifes child/child free time balance
Where you live
The job you do
Your hobbies
Your ambitions

I think if you segment it into smaller parts then you may be able to focus on one thing at a time and solutions might be a bit clearer, because at the moment you sound quite confused, like you want things to change, but you are not sure what those things are and how to go about changing them.

Have a read of [url= http://www.fourhourworkweek.com/ ]Four Hour Working Week[/url] . The guy is a bit of a jerk, but he does have some good ideas about living life to the full and having 'mini retirements' throughout your working life.

The thread was actually about alternative lifestyles, that don't require a large injection of money or the liquidation of an asset.

So far people seem to be either a) struggling along in the same boat, b) don't have kids or c) are happy with the normal situation.

The people living "alternative lifestyles" d) don't post on here all the time.

Well you've been given a lot of very good advice, particularly by philconsequence, but somehow I get the impression that you're not really engaging with the bits you don't want to hear.

Are you looking for a new life or a new you? Move to Kathmandu and you'll still be the same person.

So you've got a reasonable job, don't have a lavish lifestyle and have a relatively modest house. If all of those things really are true then why don't you have any money?

For reference, our income halved when we became parents.

But I do not accept that I just have to give up

There's also the issue of golden handcuffs. I've ended up through bad planning in a situation where I need quite a big salary to fund the household

So, giving up on my dreams then?

That's why I said ambition was a curse. It means I'm hard to please

Your curse isn't ambition, it's wanting things you either cannot achieve or will not work hard enough to achieve.

Why not downsize? If you can't afford your lifestyle as it is now you'll never be able to afford to do all the things you want to do.

So move from a three bedroomed semi to where? With what money shall we move?

In my experience ambitious people, at least those that achieve their ambitions, are committed and driven enough to make the sacrifices required to achieve those ambitions.

Most people who succeed with their ambitions are also single minded. I'm not, I have far too many desires. I try to make as many of them real as possible.

My main aim is to get my life set up the way I want it, to make all of us as happy as we can be. I won't stop trying to do that.

This thread wasn't asking for advice on how to do that, by the way. It was asking for experiences of people who've done something alternative. More alternative than simply working part time.

Well you've been given a lot of very good advice, particularly by philconsequence, but somehow I get the impression that you're not really engaging with the bits you don't want to hear.

Well, I've been told to a) give up on what I want b) stfu and stop whingeing and c) spend less and pay off your mortgage. Which either miss the point, are so bleedin obvious they don't need pointing out or aren't areas in which I want or need advice.

Whilst it is tempting and often inevitable for men to feel we need to provide solutions to problems presented, from reading the various posts and your responses thus far, I have a hunch that unless these solutions fit in with your own fears of not realising your potential, this will not be resolved through the medium of this forum.

Molgrips, you are clearly very intelligent - possibly a little more than is wise. You appear to have an answer for most things that are being suggested and that only serves to give me the impression that the biggest barrier to you achieving your hopes, dreams, aspirations is your ego/pride. Possibly a bit too blunt and you may well indeed retaliate to defend yourself. You may want to consider the reference to Buddhism in an earlier post? Let go!

Perhaps, think of it as a time of 'suffering' and by that I mean we learn nothing about ourselves when life is good and we are surfing the crest of the wave, it is only when we are suffering and feeling low that we really start to gain insight/s and able to move on.

The universe is perfect as is everything that we create, you have created this situation for yourself (more so at a subconscious level)so that you can learn from it. If you don't achieve the realisations this time, then maybe the next time you find yourself feeling dissatisfied with your life you will. Everything happens in it's own good time, the flow is without flaw. Rushing or forcing any decision will not be for the best, let things occur with your own best intentions and volition and life will be perfect for you, for what you need to learn.

I have taken much comfort from your disclosure and others on here about what I term to be my unfulfilled potential - I too share these same fears from time to time. I don't think it helps when some posts tell you how successful they have been and how good they are - TBH I tend towards them being rather insensitive and more ego driven than your rebuttals.

Whilst you may consider yourself cleverer than any Therapist and therefore would not consider seeking someone to talk to, I would counsel that you do and leave your clever ego behind.

May I also venture that if you partake in any dope or recreational's, leave them alone completely for the time being. Skunk in particular is very bad for self-motivation. I am by no means being evangelistic here, I say it because I sense there may be a possibility that this could also be a factor, so please excuse me if I have made an incorrect assumption.

Peace, joy and love.

You work away for the week, your wife's health is suffering as a result of 24/7 child- no adult contact?- informal support -- friends/family is essential for a healthy life, we are social animals, no man is an island, these truisms come from deep fundamental needs, you sound like a 'nuclear' family, --- you might as well be on a desert island.

I am only going on your posts, your replies to well meaning advice, but the green grass you wish for lies at a more fundamental level-- this ambitious problem, its a firstworld disorder, cherish what you have, not what you desire, you and your wife's health are the most important part of life, without that everything else is tainted, don't know your upbringing etc so if you've got the protestant work ethic, i feel for you.

My father in law, who was dissatisfied with his life many years ago took some LSD and went walkabout, did it work--- he is an artist,good but can't make a living out of it-- so he became a taxi driver-- you work when you need, always meeting different people, when the weather was bad he'd be in his cab, when it was good,he'd be off scuba diving-- all this in wales

its a firstworld disorder

Yep, it is. And I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to do much more than simply feed my family. There's a whole world of experience out there, I don't want my family (or me) to miss out on it.

The job by the way is 50% at home and 50% away, and I was told (by my colleagues not management) it was not normally long periods away. Given that, it seemed like a good option.

your wife's health is suffering as a result of 24/7 child

She is just as determined to make it work as I am. She has her own plans and goals and is striving for them. Her family is overseas unfortunately - they would be a great help if they were nearby but she has stated many times she doesn't want to live in the town they do.

It was asking for experiences of people who've done something alternative. More alternative than simply working part time.

TBH I don't think you're going to find those people here 🙂

The travelling/working away seems like the biggest negative aspect of your current setup. It sounds like what you mainly need is more time. Do you necessarily have to be "alternative" to get that? Working in one location a sensible distance from home is about as unalternative as it gets but on the face of it would seem to be of benefit.

So move from a three bedroomed semi to where?

With what money shall we move?

I have far too many desires. I try to make as many of them real as possible.

There are hundreds of things I'd like to do, but unfortunately my circumstances don't allow most so I focus on those I can achieve (spending as much time as possible with family for example).

Which either miss the point, are so bleedin obvious they don't need pointing out or aren't areas in which I want or need advice

If I'm boring you by pointing out stuff that you already know then I apologise, but it seems to me that you need to accept the reality of your situation.

Nobody can make these things happen apart from you molly.

write that book
take more photos and enter them in competitions
find time to train more for that podium
go climb a mountain
write, record, produce, whatever some music.

until then, every time you come on hear to defend yourself with more reason's why you cannot do these things, you're another moment away from achieving your dreams.