Drac's comment about porn causing a stroke on the 'Old people and technology' thread reminded me of a pathetic joke I once heard that still makes me laugh to myself.
Three nuns were sitting on a park bench when a flasher came by and opened his coat in front of them. The first nun had a stroke. The second nun had a stroke. The third nun couldn't reach.
Any other nonsense that still, inexplicably, makes you self-consciously laugh?
I'm a sucker for regional jokes that only work in the local accent that other people usually don't get.
Example :
Ten cows in a field, which one is on holiday?
The wan wi' the wee calf.
Terror wrists.
And Vicious circle.
Two nuns riding their bikes through the old town one day.
I've never come this way before... says one.
It's the cobbles.
**
Others that make me giggle despite being centuries old - I can't be arsed to type out so here's the punchlines
- Well I can't make Wednesdays
- He's come in despair and I'm ****ing disgusted
and
- My Beyonce Knowles poster.
Two nuns in the bath.
Only two of us work on a production line for Dracula figures.I have to make every second count
😆
Nice tits love, where do you want the blinds?
".... right lads, tea break's over. Back on your heads!"
Oh cheers! 😥
I need help, I stole a truck load of swimming pool inflatables last night and I gotta lilo.
Knock knock........
David the door bell, that's why I'm knocking!!
Which kind of bees can you get milk from?
Boo Bees.
😆 Every single time.
perchypanther - Member
I'm a sucker for regional jokes that only work in the local accent
Man walks into Derbyshire vet.
Man "My cat's making a lot of strange noises at night"
Vet "Is it a tom?"
Man "No it's outside in the car. Shall I bring it in?"
Dogs being surprised by their own farts.
Comedy gold.
[i]I'm a sucker for regional jokes that only work in the local accent[/i]
Noddy Holder buys a load of suits and shirts at a tailors
Tailor: "and would sir like a kipper tie with those?"
Noddy: "Oooh, yes please. Milk two sugars."
Was on holiday with the wife last week, lying on this lovely remote beach in the glorious sunshine, relaxing with a book and a beer.
Well, the wife passes me the suncream, "Do you mind doing my back?" she asked.
"Let's pretend I'm your butler," I winked. "My name's Dawes."
"Ok!" she giggled, "Would you mind doing my back, Dawes?"
And [b]that[/b] gentlemen is why I'm still sleeping in the spare room...
Bloke takes a rottweiler to the vet with a dicky eye.
Vet picks it up has a look at it's eye, "i'll have to put him down" the vet says.
"what because he has a dodgy eye?"
"no, he's bloody heavy".....
"wears the soap"
Gets me every time!
My 4 year old with either "pull my finger Mammy," or, after a silent fart "can anyone smell popcorn?"
Terror wrists.And Vicious circle.
And my lively hood.
Regional ones
Brummie/Black Country - Why does the queen have so many kids? 'coz she's got ER written on her knickers.
Geordie - Is that a cake or a meringue? Naw, ye're reet, it's a cake...
Bobby Sands has eaten all the sandwiches.
Only two of us work on a production line for Dracula figures.
I have to make every second count
That's ace.
Bobby Sands has eaten all the sandwiches.
Ah, but can you remember his phone number?
Which kind of bees can you get milk from?Boo Bees.
😀 Every single time.
Me too!
How did mr cheese paint his wife? He double glossed her.
Lol @ Ninfan - very STW!
482 fish in a tank. One fish says, 'salmon must know how to drive this thing'
I'm a prawn again, Christian!
"Ssssssssh, fanny"
Ken Dodd out for a meal...
Waiter asks, "would you like a starter, Sir?'
Daddy replies, "Do you think I could have a large aperitif?"
Waiter pauses, looks closely and says "No Sir, I doubt it very much:.
I'm not allowed to post on joke threads 🙁
I only have one joke and it gets me banned every time. Inbox me for details 😉
Paddy goes for an interview with a black smith
Blacksmith, "So Paddy have you ever shoed a horse?"
Paddy, No.....But I did tell a Donkey to F£&K off once?
Still brings a smile to my face.....and being a "Paddy" I'm not a fan of these jokes as a rule!!
A Pork Pie walks into a pub and orders two pints, two sandwiches and a packet of crisps.
Landlord says "Sorry, we don't serve food" 🙄
How do you make a hormone?
Kick her in the crutch.
(Disclaimer : just a joke, not real life)
Why would you kick a disabled woman even if she is a prostitute? 🙂
Only two of us work on a production line for Dracula figures.
I have to make every second count
That's a genuinely amazing joke.
Whoever came up with that should be given some sort of award.
One for jhj
Where does the Queen keep her armies?
What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
You can't hear a vitamin ...
"What are they called?"
"The Aristocrats".
"The Aristocrats".
😀
Ted Chippington is the master of the pathetic joke, badly delivered.
This is him starting the process of alienating his audience:
What's better than chucking babies off a cliff?
Catching them with a pitchfork.
From Adam and joe's made up jokes....
What do you do it you find a trumpet in your vegetable patch?
Root-it-oot
Did you hear about the homosexual telehandler driver?
He liked a Manitou
From Adam and joe's made up jokes....
My favourite of theirs was:
(This actually happened today)
I had to make an emergency visit to the Dentist today, 2:30.
Why are pirates called pirates? Cos they Arrrrr!
Always makes me chuckle as it reminds me of my lad when he was about 6 waiting for me to come home from work to tell me all excited. That's my boy I thought! Now he cringes every time I tell a shit joke
How do you get Pikachu on a bus? POKÉMON!
bongohoohaa - Member
From Adam and joe's made up jokes....
Also,
Did you hear about the antipodean prophet who absorbed the ten commandments?
They called him Oz mosis.
"Haven't you got a vase ?"
How do you circumcise a whale? Four skin divers.
They've repainted the Cairngorm railway so it stands out more but it's a bit of a funicular.
I actually prefer "bad" jokes!
My dad told me one once, that apparently is quite well know. Stuart Maconie brought it up on the radio once.
I can't be bothered to write it all out, but the punchline is;
"I'm not really a welder".
Never really quite got it........
A guy goes into the doctor's with a cucumber up his nose and carrots dangling from his ears. The doctor said, 'You know, you haven't been eating properly.'
Someone once phoned in to Radio 2 asking for traffic news between Stratford-upon-Avon and Munich. Apparently he was already late and didn't want to go from Bard to würst..
IGMC..
perchypanther - Member
Man walks into Derbyshire vet.
Man "My cat's making a lot of strange noises at night"
Vet "Is it a tom?"
Man "No it's outside in the car. Shall I bring it in?"
Monk walks into Derbyshire vet.
Monk "My cat's fur is falling out"
Vet "Is it a tabby?"
Man "No it's outside in the car. Shall I bring it in?
Noddy Holder talking to his mates back home
I been down the Wye Valley and saw that Abbey
Tintern Abbey?
Tis an Abbey
Hillary Clinton is to celebrate her winning the presidential nomination by having her initials engraved on her bath taps.
I can clearly see your nuts... doesn't really work written down.
Re the OP: that is actually my favourite joke of all time, basically because my wife has zero memory for jokes. So when I'm back from a surf I'll sometimes mention that two old dears happened to see me getting changed in the carpark. One almost had a stroke. But she wasn't quick enough... A winner every time.
A short memory is vital to a happy relationship. With me anyway..
A man walks into the doctor and says "I've got some strawberries growing out of my head." The doctor replies, "I can give you some cream for that."
A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his trousers. The barman asks, "What's that?" The man replies "I don't know but it's drivin' me nuts"
Paddy goes for a job on a building site.
The foreman asks "Whats the difference between a girder and a joist?"
Paddy replies " Well, Joyce wrote Ulysses, and Goethe wrote Faust".
what do you call an Irish lesbian?
Gaelic.
From the dad joke Facebook page. I've been laughing a ridiculous amount at this
Today I got fired from my job in a computer store.
A guy came in and asked if I could recommend a hard drive.
I said "Yeah, Brisbane to Perth in a Datsun 120Y".
Only for a chocolate bun
The bees have gone on strike; they're demanding more honey and less flowers.
I'm a sucker for regional jokes that only work in the local accent
Man goes to the doctor; doctor asks him to get up on the couch.
Doctor: "Comfy?"
Patient: "Govan"
Man walks into a St Helens hardware shop
"Do you sell turps?"
"Certainly sir. Do you want audio turps or video turps?"
I had a date with a dolphin once.
We just clicked.
What do you call a lesbian from ****stan?
Man walks into a St Helens hardware shop"Do you sell turps?"
"Certainly sir. Do you want audio turps or video turps?"
Quality 🙂
What do you call a lesbian from ****stan?
Liberated?
Persecuted?
Minjeeta 😳
I don't get it
Ego and superego walk into a bar.
Barman says, "I'm going to need to see some id..."
I walked into a pub and saw a dog in the corner licking it's genitals (Language adjusted for the laydeeez).
I said to the barman "I wish I could do that"!
"Give him a biscuit he might let you"
DrP
Chinese couple divorce. She went back to Peking, he went back to w*****g.
Bryn and Dai are walking along when they see a sheep with its head stuck in some railings.
Bryn drops his keks and gives the sheep a good seeing to. When he's finished he says "Dai, its your turn, boyo".
Dai says "no, I can't".
Bryn asks "Why?"
Dai says "Because I'll never get my head between those railings".
Ah, time travel joke?
Another of the regional dialect jokes.
A woman from Glasgow rings the maternity ward to say her waters have broken. Receptionist asks her where she's ringing from. Wee Glasgow wifie replies "Fae the waist doon hen".
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?
She'll just Let It Go.