[Closed] Something I had never thought about until yesterday (bum wiping content)

captaincarbon - Member

ok. we can all stop trying the knees togethr ankles apart whilst sat staring at our screens. How can that work?

It 'offers up' the work surface for increased contact area. Trust me, it works.

derek_starship - Member

Shib - what on God's Green Earth is Big Ball Day?

Don't you have the occasional Big Ball Day? When they hang lower and swing more pendulously than usual? Is it just me???

GrahamS - Member

No no - you have to dry Mr Johnson's head before you reach on through.

Surely even F2Bers need to do this to avoid the dreaded wet penny?

You're just making extra work for yourself there mate. Stand slowly, turn slightly towards the bath, and 'flick' your pelvis - more Michael Jackson than Elvis Presley. You can shout "Eeeh-heeee!" if it helps, but it's not really necessary. That should avoid any "blue-on-blue" incidents.

unless its a cling filmer

Rocking with silent laughter here whilst trying to hold a conversation about stress in components with complex I values.

I cant wait for CFH to turn up and tell us what the posho's use. Swans necks probably 🙂

Best. Thread. Ever.

I've just been for a second sitting and road-tested some of the afore-mentioned suggestions including B2F.

I now have piss on my wrist. 🙁

I went for a colonic last week and had to clean myself up on a Hyundai electric toilet. It washed my arse and arse hair, then blow dryed it for me. I'm thinking of buying one. No more wipes

How do you piss on your wrist going back to front.....I'm a back to fronter and never given myself a golden shower.

Also those who wipe when sat, apart from the room issue as mentioned above how do you cope when it's a very shallow drop loo? Do you have to wear marigolds?

I had just this discussion with my Sister-in-Law only last weekend!!

Don't ask its a long story, she is a nurse so no topic is off limits 😉

I shall wait until I get home before attempting any alternative techniques suggested on here. Trying out something new and excitingly acrobatic in the confines of one of the work’s traps could result in an over balance, head-bog door interface, loss of consciousness and a rather embarrassing sans-trousers meeting with a cleaner at about 7:00pm when I should be home having my tea.

I've just been for a second sitting and road-tested some of the afore-mentioned suggestions including B2F.

I now have piss on my wrist

The trick is to stop peeing before you wipe, good heavens man. I appreciate that if it's a crack-of-dawner after a heavy night on the fally-over juice then breaking the seal the next day can leave you pissing like a carthorse for quite some time, but patience, Grasshopper. You've got quite the window of opportunity to clean up before anything starts to set.

Houns - Member

How do you piss on your wrist going back to front.....I'm a back to fronter and never given myself a golden shower.

One has to reach under ones tackle, between the legs. Any residual drippage is free to fall onto the wrist/forearm at the slightest contact.

comedy gold. Jeezo I knew there were some anal types on here but.....

I'm still boggling that anyone reaches between their legs to wipe their butt! F-to-B all the way!

how do you cope when it's a very shallow drop loo? Do you have to wear marigolds?

If it's a throne where a particularly enthusiastic evacuation is likely to run the danger of me sitting an inch or two higher than when I started, then where possible I'll try and find a more suitable trap.

In the absence of such options or when you're brewing a Russian poo, a courtesy flush midway can afford you some extra manoeuvring space and as a Brucie Bonus could also provide an impromptu bidet.

The problem with wiping front to back is that if you don't apply much pressure and the residue is quite lubricous then you could over shoot with your wipe and end up going up your back. Going back to front means you have your balls acting as a barrier

Cougar - Member

The trick is to stop peeing before you wipe...

Maybe it's just me, but no matter how long I sit reading, the moment of paper/sphincter contact induces a feeling of relaxation that allows an extra few mils of fluid to be emitted.

the guy opposite me on the train keeps using the phrase "browned off"

not that this is a good one to read on the train

@ harry the (barking?) spider - cling filmer being the magical form of jobby that requires no wipage, whose probability is inversely proportional to volume of real ale consumed

all you standing up back to fronters should catch sight of yourselves doing it and then you'll change your evil ways

A true eye opener is this thread 😮

I'm not going to try any of the methods mentioned. I'm happy with what I've been doing all these years.

Surely - if you wipe B>F, you creosote the nads?

how do you cope when it's a very shallow drop loo?

Particularly tricky on those reverse-toilets like they have in Austria, where you must lay your produce out on the horizontal "inspection shelf" just inches below your sweaty man-cheeks, leaving little or no room for an effective reach-through.

They mess with my routine!

Maybe it's just me, but no matter how long I sit reading, the moment of paper/sphincter contact induces a feeling of relaxation that allows an extra few mils of fluid to be emitted.

Might I suggest that sir considers the side upon which sir, ah, dresses, and then approach from the opposing side? This may require changing hands, but then, little bathroom pleasures often do.

Particularly tricky on those reverse-toilets like they have in Austria,

Reverse toilets? What witchcraft is this?!

I have never found a cure for what I refer to Pritt Stick poo. You know, when no matter how many times you wipe it just won't stop marking the paper?

I've sat for hours trying to get rid of the last little bit, it just keeps on giving.

Cougar - Member
Might I suggest that sir considers the side upon which sir, ah, dresses, and then approach from the opposing side? This may require changing hands, but then, little bathroom pleasures often do.

My little lad is 5 and getting to grips with the whole self-hoop-declaggification-process. We regularly find him with stripes up his back when he gets home from school 😐

Cougar - Member

Might I suggest that sir considers the side upon which sir, ah, dresses, and then approach from the opposing side? This may require changing hands, but then, little bathroom pleasures often do.

No, you might not suggest such lunacy - it's bad enough that you've turned my toilet habits back-to-front (literally) without turning them arse-about-face... What do you think I am, some kind of circus freak? I'm not ambidextrous, though I'd give my right arm to be.

Oh! Following on from the chap who has a post-bob-shower, I forgot to mention the lad I went to poly with who had to get completely naked to crimp one off. Even in public conveniences. ❓

Reverse toilets? What witchcraft is this?

I'm not doing a Google Image search for "austrian toilet" at work!

Imagine a bog where the pool of water is at the front rather than the back and the porcelain forms a near horizontal shelf.

Brilliant, only on STW. I cannot believe we have a 3 page thread on the delicacies of wiping ones arse! F to B man myself. Don't make the mistake of checking the results after first wipe though - you leave the potential for a piece of poo to stick to the loo roll then flick into the air and land just about anywhere in the throne room being used!

Anyone else getting Glade and toilet cleaning adverts >>>

I forgot to mention the lad I went to poly with who had to get completely naked to crimp one off. Even in public conveniences.

Left handed wipeage? That's a recipe for disaster.

Racist, there're left-handers on here.

I forgot to mention the lad I went to poly with who had to get completely naked to crimp one off.

...known a few folk (professionally) who were further along the autistic spectrum than the average stw-er who also did this. Or required a bath/shower to get their hoop 'into the mood' so to speak.

julianwilson - Member
Or required a bath/shower to get their hoop 'into the mood' so to speak.

I've been known to go for a preemptive strike with some sort of ass-cream if I suspect it might have big corners...

Reverse toilets? What witchcraft is this?

Okay here you go Cougar:

[img] [/img]

[img] [/img]

With some in-depth analysis here:
http://www.gregorykemp.com/2010/10/the-viewing-shelf-a-farewell-to-austria.html
http://strangelyperfect.tv/2727/austrian-toilet/

I suppose they stop the Neptunes Kiss

I suppose they stop the Neptunes Kiss

True, but any fool knows that can be easily be avoided without such porcelain lunacy, by the careful application of a single sheet of tissue on the water prior to commencing bombardment.

I thought Neptune's Kiss were a prog rock band.

I thought the bog roll raft was more to muffle unwanted sounds than to prevent the auto-bidet effect?

Thanks for the Austrian toilet images, I've just realised how Toblerone was invented.

Has anyone tried an alternative technique based on this thread?

I have. I think I've broken my nose and my watch. 🙁

*pulls up a chair*

Whats wrong with a slide down the bathroom rug, like my mates Spaniel tries?

I often have a good read of stw forums (via mobile webbamajob) while taking a shit, so I can report live from the event...

Its a front to back motion, with approx 2 x 24inches of carefully coiled low grade paper material followed with 3 (or perhaps four, for a really sparkly job)high grade wet wipes*

*Wetwipes of course,if I am at home. I feel a bit of a **** walking off to the shithouse with a pack of wetwipes tucked under me arm while at work, in which case I make do with the slightly uneasy feeling of possible tagnuts for the rest of the day. 😕

I think I (and many others) have shared far too much. 😮

I have the toilet roll holder mounted behind the toilet instead of to one side.

Once droppage has completed then reach around and thread the toilet roll down and through the legs. Then pull the paper forwards only stopping when the brown line fades away.

with approx 2 x 24inches of carefully coiled low grade paper

You use four feet of loo roll? Jesus christ man, go see a doctor.

2 sheets folded in half, the right thumb holding it against the groove and it's B2F. I've tried F2B but got my hair sprinkled (my ponytail reaches virtually down to my waist).

b-to-f seems like a risky business.

if you get shite on the devils bridge there could be hell to pay!

2 sheets folded in half

is there another method that needs very little paper, a military method?

I've often wondered if it is possible to stand upon the sides of the pan and squat with your cheeks spread so well as to not require wiping afterwards?

It's a shame that bidets have gone out of fashion as they made sure that you were nice and clean below.

BTW I am a back to front man.

Pure genius this thread... 😉 had both a no wiper then infinity wiper today 🙂

mandog - Member
is there another method that needs very little paper, a military method?

I don't think it's a military method, but two squares of quality paper, folded in half (to prevent your fingers going through). Wipe, inspect, fold in half. Wipe, inspect, fold in half again. Wipe, inspect, discard. If necessary, get another two squares, fold and repeat. 8)

A linky to the whole portal dedicated to bum-wiping: [url= http://www.poopreport.com/Techniques/Content/Wiping/wiping.html ]here[/url].

I thought the military method was to have one sheet, tear a small circle from the middle, put finger through the hole and wipe ass, then finally use the torn out bit to clean under your fingernail.

AtennnnShun!!

I've often wondered if it is possible to stand upon the sides of the pan and squat with your cheeks spread so well as to not require wiping afterwards?

As for wiping, a bidet would be ideal, followed by a few drying wipes. B2F wiping is fine, but you have to use your left hand to lift your Kirsty McColls out of the way whilst wiping with the right. NB: This is quite an advanced manouver and should never be used in conjunction with the "poo-raft" splash arrestor since it can mean getting the back of your hand covered in cadburys from a pervious wipe.

I have heard that the Pope uses baby ducklings

^^^^

I seem to recall that wannabe doctor Gillian mcKeith saying a similar thing thing to a radio 1 presenter about needing a "stool for your stools" to get all of the jobbie out when you go for one, so squatting on the seat is probably the best position to evacuate everything.

Actually, she was probably correct. One of my more pleasurable evacuations was in Thailand on a squat-jobbie (<- see what I did there?). I just couldn't bring myself to perform the hand&water clean up process - I had to use a tissue (multi-folded, obviously).

EDIT: thinking about it, I'd probably be okay with the hand wipe method now. We've had children since then and consequently had more poo on my hands than I ever thought possible.

I was tired and ready for bed before I started reading this thread. Crying with laughter seems to have woken me up.

2 x 24inches of carefully coiled low grade paper material followed with 3 (or perhaps four, for a really sparkly job)high grade wet wipes*

good lord man, either I am lucky or you are unlucky.

Once droppage has completed then reach around and thread the toilet roll down and through the legs. Then pull the paper forwards only stopping when the brown line fades away.

WHAT

Wipe your bum with your left hand and eat food with your right hand and you avoid cross contamination problems 🙂

a no wiper

What's all this talk of folding? Scrunching for the win, surely.

Does nobody else wrap paper round their hand then go have a dig?

sounds very wasteful SBZ, unless you go for both the forehand and backhand

Houns - Member
Anyone else getting Glade and toilet cleaning adverts >>>

No but i have got one for Muddybum Bike Shop !

Think they might want to have a word about that with someone at STW towers 😕

These Austrian toilets truly are the devils work. Was in Hungary (they share the same style of crapper) and whilst I had the opportunity to marvel at my creation, I saw two drawbacks. One - bloody hell it stinks and Two, if you feel the need for a courtesy flush, do so at your own risk. If the water pressure is high the poo can be propelled forward at a velocity high enough that it can defeat the gravitational pull of the loo, thus ending up complete, but maybe a little soggy, on your pants which are still round your ankles. Makes skid marks look like a minor inconvenience.
Oh, back to front, but willing to try something new.

One downside of back to front is the old griff nuts.

😆 takes me back to school time and banter.

Does nobody else wrap paper round their hand then go have a dig?

I had an ex who did that. Wiping with a wad of tissue half an inch thick every time you've had a pee fair gets though rolls at an alarming rate.

True, still amazed at just how much roll the fairer sex go through

These Austrian toilets truly are the devils work.

The more I think about it, the more I think that a better approach might be to straddle the throne facing the back wall. Then you've got a nice Western style splashdown for your Cadbury's Mini Rolls to land in, and somewhere to put your phone while you play Angry Birds.

I always have a little wee at the end of a poo. At this point I know its time to finish the page i am reading as there will be no more poo. Then wipe under arm back to front like normal people. All the rest of you are weirdos.

[img] [/img]

Cut out the middle man, maybe a splash of Muc-off if you're feeling posh 😉

Doesn't the military method employ vaseline for a stealth poo?
Basically grease the sides to avoid the need to wipe.

Also last time a I had a ration pack meal on a bothy trip, a proper David hasselhoff was not required for about 3 days. I believe the food is designed not to encourage evacuation of the bowel.

Then wipe under arm back to front like normal people. All the rest of you are weirdos.

As a confirmed F2B I tried, in the interest of experimentation, the B2F underarm method this morning. It felt like somebody else was doing it.

[img] [/img]

I predict this thread picks up pace today as folks try out new methods and post their results.

i'm going to try the ' pull the roll through until the brown stripe disappears' method!
Is that f2b or b2f?

I was told the army rat pack system had 4 meals. 3 bind you up, the fourth 'doesn't'. So you can control who shites when by controlling who gets the brown biscuits and curry meal on any particular day, and thus have 3/4 of your platoon guaranteed not squatting in the woods when the nasty men come calling.

That said, was also the same genius that provided my cadet force with artic rations for a 2 day exercise on sandhurst in late May during a heatwave. Artic rations being designed to be rehydrated with melted snow, which was in pretty short supply, oddly. You could spot the brave few who'd tried to rehydrate their rations with as little water from their drinking bottles as possible, because they were the ones who dessicated their insides instead and ended up in hospital on saline drips.

F2B here, and continue wiping till the paper is clean. Nothing worse than disrobing for passion to find an errant skiddie.

i'm going to try the ' pull the roll through until the brown stripe disappears' method!

we have individual sheets at work so I can't experiment with that till I get home 😀

This is the best thread I have ever read on any forum ever! And I'm a girl 🙂 I've never thought about it, but I didn't think males would go B2F, seems like it could lead to bad smells being trapped around delicate areas that partners may venture into.... Unless wet wipes are used

After a few beers with the lads last night, and mentioning this thread one of them revealed he was indeed a B2F practitioner but approached this from the rear. Is this physically possible? Trap at work is to small to attempt such a manoevre, and probably need a fair few swipes after the real ale last night.

i think i'm going to have to invest in some wet-wipes - they sound fun...

[img] [/img]

Better than MRI scanners!

he was indeed a B2F practitioner but approached this from the rear

Eh?? So he pushed instead of pulling?? Doesn't that lead to uncomfortable bunching and a dangerous bow wave of brown?