[Closed] Something I had never thought about until yesterday (bum wiping content)

Houns - Member

How do you piss on your wrist going back to front.....I'm a back to fronter and never given myself a golden shower.

One has to reach under ones tackle, between the legs. Any residual drippage is free to fall onto the wrist/forearm at the slightest contact.

comedy gold. Jeezo I knew there were some anal types on here but.....

I'm still boggling that anyone reaches between their legs to wipe their butt! F-to-B all the way!

how do you cope when it's a very shallow drop loo? Do you have to wear marigolds?

If it's a throne where a particularly enthusiastic evacuation is likely to run the danger of me sitting an inch or two higher than when I started, then where possible I'll try and find a more suitable trap.

In the absence of such options or when you're brewing a Russian poo, a courtesy flush midway can afford you some extra manoeuvring space and as a Brucie Bonus could also provide an impromptu bidet.

The problem with wiping front to back is that if you don't apply much pressure and the residue is quite lubricous then you could over shoot with your wipe and end up going up your back. Going back to front means you have your balls acting as a barrier

Cougar - Member

The trick is to stop peeing before you wipe...

Maybe it's just me, but no matter how long I sit reading, the moment of paper/sphincter contact induces a feeling of relaxation that allows an extra few mils of fluid to be emitted.

the guy opposite me on the train keeps using the phrase "browned off"

not that this is a good one to read on the train

@ harry the (barking?) spider - cling filmer being the magical form of jobby that requires no wipage, whose probability is inversely proportional to volume of real ale consumed

all you standing up back to fronters should catch sight of yourselves doing it and then you'll change your evil ways

A true eye opener is this thread 😮

I'm not going to try any of the methods mentioned. I'm happy with what I've been doing all these years.

Surely - if you wipe B>F, you creosote the nads?

how do you cope when it's a very shallow drop loo?

Particularly tricky on those reverse-toilets like they have in Austria, where you must lay your produce out on the horizontal "inspection shelf" just inches below your sweaty man-cheeks, leaving little or no room for an effective reach-through.

They mess with my routine!

Maybe it's just me, but no matter how long I sit reading, the moment of paper/sphincter contact induces a feeling of relaxation that allows an extra few mils of fluid to be emitted.

Might I suggest that sir considers the side upon which sir, ah, dresses, and then approach from the opposing side? This may require changing hands, but then, little bathroom pleasures often do.

Particularly tricky on those reverse-toilets like they have in Austria,

Reverse toilets? What witchcraft is this?!

I have never found a cure for what I refer to Pritt Stick poo. You know, when no matter how many times you wipe it just won't stop marking the paper?

I've sat for hours trying to get rid of the last little bit, it just keeps on giving.

Cougar - Member
Might I suggest that sir considers the side upon which sir, ah, dresses, and then approach from the opposing side? This may require changing hands, but then, little bathroom pleasures often do.

My little lad is 5 and getting to grips with the whole self-hoop-declaggification-process. We regularly find him with stripes up his back when he gets home from school 😐

Cougar - Member

Might I suggest that sir considers the side upon which sir, ah, dresses, and then approach from the opposing side? This may require changing hands, but then, little bathroom pleasures often do.

No, you might not suggest such lunacy - it's bad enough that you've turned my toilet habits back-to-front (literally) without turning them arse-about-face... What do you think I am, some kind of circus freak? I'm not ambidextrous, though I'd give my right arm to be.

Oh! Following on from the chap who has a post-bob-shower, I forgot to mention the lad I went to poly with who had to get completely naked to crimp one off. Even in public conveniences. ❓

Reverse toilets? What witchcraft is this?

I'm not doing a Google Image search for "austrian toilet" at work!

Imagine a bog where the pool of water is at the front rather than the back and the porcelain forms a near horizontal shelf.

Brilliant, only on STW. I cannot believe we have a 3 page thread on the delicacies of wiping ones arse! F to B man myself. Don't make the mistake of checking the results after first wipe though - you leave the potential for a piece of poo to stick to the loo roll then flick into the air and land just about anywhere in the throne room being used!

Anyone else getting Glade and toilet cleaning adverts >>>

I forgot to mention the lad I went to poly with who had to get completely naked to crimp one off. Even in public conveniences.

Left handed wipeage? That's a recipe for disaster.

Racist, there're left-handers on here.

I forgot to mention the lad I went to poly with who had to get completely naked to crimp one off.

...known a few folk (professionally) who were further along the autistic spectrum than the average stw-er who also did this. Or required a bath/shower to get their hoop 'into the mood' so to speak.

julianwilson - Member
Or required a bath/shower to get their hoop 'into the mood' so to speak.

I've been known to go for a preemptive strike with some sort of ass-cream if I suspect it might have big corners...

Reverse toilets? What witchcraft is this?

Okay here you go Cougar:

[img] [/img]

[img] [/img]

With some in-depth analysis here:
http://www.gregorykemp.com/2010/10/the-viewing-shelf-a-farewell-to-austria.html
http://strangelyperfect.tv/2727/austrian-toilet/

I suppose they stop the Neptunes Kiss

I suppose they stop the Neptunes Kiss

True, but any fool knows that can be easily be avoided without such porcelain lunacy, by the careful application of a single sheet of tissue on the water prior to commencing bombardment.

I thought Neptune's Kiss were a prog rock band.

I thought the bog roll raft was more to muffle unwanted sounds than to prevent the auto-bidet effect?

Thanks for the Austrian toilet images, I've just realised how Toblerone was invented.

Has anyone tried an alternative technique based on this thread?

I have. I think I've broken my nose and my watch. 🙁

*pulls up a chair*

Whats wrong with a slide down the bathroom rug, like my mates Spaniel tries?

I often have a good read of stw forums (via mobile webbamajob) while taking a shit, so I can report live from the event...

Its a front to back motion, with approx 2 x 24inches of carefully coiled low grade paper material followed with 3 (or perhaps four, for a really sparkly job)high grade wet wipes*

*Wetwipes of course,if I am at home. I feel a bit of a **** walking off to the shithouse with a pack of wetwipes tucked under me arm while at work, in which case I make do with the slightly uneasy feeling of possible tagnuts for the rest of the day. 😕

I think I (and many others) have shared far too much. 😮

I have the toilet roll holder mounted behind the toilet instead of to one side.

Once droppage has completed then reach around and thread the toilet roll down and through the legs. Then pull the paper forwards only stopping when the brown line fades away.

with approx 2 x 24inches of carefully coiled low grade paper

You use four feet of loo roll? Jesus christ man, go see a doctor.

2 sheets folded in half, the right thumb holding it against the groove and it's B2F. I've tried F2B but got my hair sprinkled (my ponytail reaches virtually down to my waist).

b-to-f seems like a risky business.

if you get shite on the devils bridge there could be hell to pay!

2 sheets folded in half

is there another method that needs very little paper, a military method?

I've often wondered if it is possible to stand upon the sides of the pan and squat with your cheeks spread so well as to not require wiping afterwards?

It's a shame that bidets have gone out of fashion as they made sure that you were nice and clean below.

BTW I am a back to front man.

Pure genius this thread... 😉 had both a no wiper then infinity wiper today 🙂

mandog - Member
is there another method that needs very little paper, a military method?

I don't think it's a military method, but two squares of quality paper, folded in half (to prevent your fingers going through). Wipe, inspect, fold in half. Wipe, inspect, fold in half again. Wipe, inspect, discard. If necessary, get another two squares, fold and repeat. 8)

A linky to the whole portal dedicated to bum-wiping: [url= http://www.poopreport.com/Techniques/Content/Wiping/wiping.html ]here[/url].

I thought the military method was to have one sheet, tear a small circle from the middle, put finger through the hole and wipe ass, then finally use the torn out bit to clean under your fingernail.

AtennnnShun!!

I've often wondered if it is possible to stand upon the sides of the pan and squat with your cheeks spread so well as to not require wiping afterwards?

As for wiping, a bidet would be ideal, followed by a few drying wipes. B2F wiping is fine, but you have to use your left hand to lift your Kirsty McColls out of the way whilst wiping with the right. NB: This is quite an advanced manouver and should never be used in conjunction with the "poo-raft" splash arrestor since it can mean getting the back of your hand covered in cadburys from a pervious wipe.

I have heard that the Pope uses baby ducklings

^^^^

I seem to recall that wannabe doctor Gillian mcKeith saying a similar thing thing to a radio 1 presenter about needing a "stool for your stools" to get all of the jobbie out when you go for one, so squatting on the seat is probably the best position to evacuate everything.

Actually, she was probably correct. One of my more pleasurable evacuations was in Thailand on a squat-jobbie (<- see what I did there?). I just couldn't bring myself to perform the hand&water clean up process - I had to use a tissue (multi-folded, obviously).

EDIT: thinking about it, I'd probably be okay with the hand wipe method now. We've had children since then and consequently had more poo on my hands than I ever thought possible.