[Closed] Something happened to me today and it's had a profound effect on me!

I am a first response Paramedic

And I raise my glass to your efforts. Thank you. You did what you could in an intense situation. Something few of us could imagine.

Thank you, once more.

Wow catharsis from crisis - kinda cool in a hard way

Brack,

I can't say i had similar problems, my Dad and I were pretty close. But when he got ill, it somehow spurred me to go home more often, do stuff with him etc, and I'll treasure that time forever. FWIW, please try all you can to mend things with your Dad. Then, as long as you can truly say that you did all you can to fix it, you won't have regrets later.

Not really sure why I'm driven to urge you to do this, but for both of your sake's, it's has to be worth trying everything you can, hasn't it...?

23 yrs of not crying....it's flooding out tonight!

yeah, mike and the mechanics are crap. their durge makes me blub every time It comes onm the radio!

I was going to write a big long post about how I went through a similar relationship with my dad, but wont bother. You know what you want to do or you wouldn't have shared this with us. He wont be around forever and you cant make your peace with him when he's no longer here.

Well really interesting, but ive always thought that as we go through life,we experience other peoples sad and good times,and only sometimes do we sit back and think their life so mirrors mine, and we are thankful it wasnt our turn just yet, but every day that turn may come.

You did your best and did the job you where trained for, and if it brings you and your family closer together, all the best for that.

Just talk to your parents, or just show them your original post and leave it with them.If like me theyre now trying to stop crying,then it was worth it, now wheres the hankies.

I heard the same song on radio 2 today.

Me and my Dad still argue but still give each other a big hug when we Hi or bye as we live 200 miles apart.

I do worry about his age and it bothers me as I never get to see him-maybe 3 times a year.

Make up with him and him with you, life is too short and then you're dead.

i am having a hard time with my son at the moment.
he became a dad 2 month ago aged 17. his girlfriend was 17 too.
when we found out she was pregnant, which was when she was 4 months gone i hit the roof, bigtime.
all the usual stuff, is it yours, are you sure, tell her to get rid....
i was out of order, but this was my son who had not had a gf prior.
well obviusly he told here all my outburst, and she told her family.
so from that day to the baby being born we did not see his gf.

now since the baby was born we have seen her 4 times for 1 hour each time.
it is a terrible atmosphere when they come, my mrs gets upset...blah blah
my lad live with us, she with her mum dad and brother and sister.
i also work with my son, and all the time i am very very angry with him.
not only for what he has done, but for what is still happening, us not seeing the baby, my side of the family not being involved, my mrs's side also.
i think it is his girlfriend being the one who is causing it, he has not got a bad bone in his body..
i have apologised to them both andto her parents for my outburst..
i used to ride with my son, beento all the trail centers with him, but now nothing, i can barely be bothered to talk to him.
all i do at work is shout at him to do stuff.
i know i am being a cock, but i cant help it.
i think he is scared to tell the girl that we should be seeing them, i think that he thinks she will use the baby as a bargaining tool.

sorry to the op for my hijack...

Let it out Brack don't be ashamed. I had a rough time last year with various things and it all came to ahead when I got a call for a woman only a few years older than me that had collapsed and died as she was about to wave her daughter away in a limo hired for her 16th birthday, she was still there with all her friends. Hit me hard it was an accumulation of things that and I have 2 young daughters, it knocked me off for months and made other similar jobs hard to do.

Don't be afraid to talk to people, friends, relatives, colleagues or take up any support your Service offers. It taught me after 19 years it's ok to be human some times.

Brack, my eyes welled up when I read your story. Thank you for sharing it with us. I never saw eye to eye with my folks either, but over the years I am coming to terms with the fact that my parents, like myself are flawed, and I should try to love and respect them as best as I can.

Unfortunately my parents and siblings live 8 hours on the plane away from me, and I only see them once every few years, its tough. I should really work harder to be able to visit them more....try to get on with them and be a good daughter.

*my thoughts are with you brack*

ton - that sounds a terribly difficult situation for everyone concerned. All you and your wife can do is to be there for your son. I'm sure he will be upset cos you and your wife are upset, and really he is still a young adult. It's a huge responsibility having a baby obviously and your son will be worried for the future.

Perhaps his girlfriend is not getting support from her parents, she will also be worried about the future.

Can your wife talk to your son without you being there? Could your wife perhaps talk to the girlfriend, just the two of them?

I can't imagine how it must feel for you (and my offspring are adults) but they will need support from you and your wife. Whether they ask for it or not is another matter but just be there when they do.

Hang in there.

I'm 17 nd really close to my dad and i'm not even ashamed to say that song makes me shed a tear.
Bruce

A topic very dear to my heart as I pack a bag to get on a plane to fly to Scotland for my dads funeral. He died on Friday morning and its just starting to really hit me that he won't be there. People talk about not having regrets but i have a few. He was terminally ill (mesothelioma) and was obviously going to die but in recent months some sh1t had gone down within the family which resulted in me not really wanting to talk to him very much. I thought i had time. I didn't as it turns out and I'll go my grave not knowing a few things. That bothers me but its my own ****n fault for being stubborn. I won't dwell on it because I can't change this situation but i'll be making damn sure the rest of the family knows how much they mean to me. And apologies if you end up sitting beside me on a plane tonight, i can't gurantee i'll be chatty or in fact not blubbing away quietly 🙁

Took me 30 years to tell my dad I love him. best thing I ever did. We got on before, but he was always away on bussiness when I was young and then I grew up , left house etc. Then one day I had a moment, saw we were the same, fighting alone against the world and I realized we had to join forces. Now we are best mates. Just go ahead and tell him. 🙂

brack...

I'm the same age as you. You know what, I wish I had a dad with whom I had a difficult relationship. Mine died when I was 14 going on 15. Everyone says, oh, what a shit time to lose your dad, but you know what, any time's a shit time and it's going to happen to us all. We are who we are because of (primarily genes, I know that much) what happens us in life and if he was alive, I wouldn't be sat here typing this out.

I have major personality traits that are there solely because I lost a father in my formative years. I crave the approval of fathers of my friends, girlfriends (well, I'm married now, but up until I met the current mrs d) without a second thought to the approval of their mothers. I'm not particularly driven but feel a constant need to prove myself worthy of god knows ****uing what. I'm not bitter about it (honest) and I'll happily talk about him with anyone who listens...it's no great taboo subject in my family. My sister, Mum and I talk about him all the time.

I never knew my dad as a "mate", y'know, someone I could have a beer with, shoot the shit, go and watch sports. He was always just a father figure and I know deep down, my knowledge of him as a person is driven by what I hear others tell me about him.

When I hear stories like yours, there are two thought processes. Firstly, I think..get the **** on with it and get to know your old man; find out what makes him tick and do it with him for a weekend and be his friend as well as his son. You'll never get the time back again. Secondly, I think what's happened you could easily have happened to me. I have my fathers traits and I'm not sure how well I'd get on with "me" (again, if you know what I mean)...we could easily have slipped into the relationship you have.

****u knows what I'm trying to say, but hang in there with the old ****er...you only have one dad, and whatever way you feel you have to build a bridge, just do it. He'll be a long time dead while you're sat there wondering how it might have been better.

Appreciate your comments this evening. And that bloody song, always makes my eyes water too mate...

With running the risk of sounding like a dodgy agony aunt, there is unconditional love. It is just that. A love between a parent and child either direction. I think Brac you are experiencing it. Without any anger, sadness or frustration it’s just love or your Dad. No matter what has happened.

Ton you know what it is, you have had it when your son was growing up and you’d have it with your grandchild given half the chance. Step back and pick up the pieces unconditionally or help unconditionally, but it is up to them. You need to be the big man when they need him.

A very heavy thread for the weekend this, but yes we all end up with regrets, life wouldn't be worth living without them, but I doubt a hug could save us all.
No relationship is perfect, you just need to work a little & realise that life is not all about 'me', try your best by all means, but really, just make the most of what you have, regret is evil.

I second that 2unfit2ride.

Brack, I'm a firefighter and when aspects of our job provoke thoughts or anxiety,for whatever reason we are encouraged to use the support structure provided, I sincerely hope a similar structure is available to you and urge you to use it if only to talk to an impartial person much like you are doing by posting here.

It's clear this situation has affected you and that is what the support is for, no offence to people on here, me included, but we are not qualified to give professional guidance, only advice based on personal experience.

I don't know if this helps but I hope it will and eventually bring some sort of conclusion to your problem,

best of luck mate,

Bri

My dad's got psp, has a slow lingering brain destroying death to look forward to, never really knew him due to various reasons plus he's worked abroad all his life...don't have much chance now but trying best to be there for him, would offer one line of advice to those in their 20/30's who feel they don't know their dad - just keep trying and don't let the past rule your future.

Darcy - respect mate.

Lost my mother years ago - you can't turn back the clock. They are who they are, you just have to accept that and get on with it.

Brack - you've got to simply accept. It's the hardest lesson in life. My bruv and Dad don't talk, but I'm too old to argue. He's a shit (my Dad not necessarily my brother!) he's awkward and he's hard and yes he goes over the same crap all the time. But just let it go, learn to laugh at it; the bad points are his not yours. Stroll on mate

Paramedics - heroes in my eyes.

When we do that fantasy "what would you perfect job be" game, I always choose that one.

I was thinking something related to your situation yesterday, Brack. My father and I are pretty close, though we don't often speak. Then I had the thought that, if he dies, would I be that bothered? Very odd, but I quickly worked out why: while we get on, I don't really know him that well - he's very private and I don't know what makes him tick deep down.

Sometimes, I think it's just a father and son and man thing.

Sometimes, I think it's just a father and son and man thing.

Christ, tell me about it.

Long gone, I remember holding his hand and crying.

Heart goes out man ...

G.

sorry if there are any spelling mistakes, but i too am typing through watery eyes....

as mentioned above, you know what to do. go and see him. go have a beer.

Edit: just realised how long this is. if you don't read it i'll understand.

my dad and i never saw eye to eye whilst i was growing up. he was 38 when i was born so already stuck in his ways. i ask myself if he was ever cut out for fatherhood ( a nasty thing to say, perhpas). his city job meant he'd leave the house at 7 and come home at 8/9 in the evening. his saturday morinings were for golf, so i only had a fwe hours on a sunday when his time had to be shared amongst everyone. i never wanted anything materialistic as a kid; we had holidays once a year, we had a nice house etc.... as i got older the atmosphere between us used to hang on a knifes edge. i used to envy the relationship my mates had with their dads. the factr they could talk like mates. go and do stuff together.

i used to joke that at his funeral my speecj about him would go something like this; "he had a hard life, but not as hard as mine was living with him"
at 19 i went away for a year and grew up within myself and came back a man having left as a boy and knowing who i was. i don't think my dad could accept who i was. i, too, wouldn't sit back and let him make flippitant remarks (something he'd always done)about family, people, or anyone else he cared to slyly insult. i'd often flip out at him and take out my anger on items of garden furniture, doors and walls....things blew up one evening over dinner with onbe of his throw away comments about some black woman not being eligable to vote. i asked him to explain himself and he couldn't. instead he told me to shut up. this led to a blazing row; my mum and little sister sitting at the tabel crying, my dad and i shouting at each other. i asked him to go outside. then i hit him.

i ****ed off after that and stayed at his brothers for a few days. his brother (no kids) understanding fully why i got so upset with him. a few weeks later i ****ed off to germany.

it's sad. my mum now resents him for being the 'cause' for me leaving her. my sister doesn't know what to make of it, but at she's happy she's got my old out-house. as for my dad and i, we've never really got on better. when i'm back in the UK we'll go off down the pub and talk for hours about life; its quirks and so on.

my thoughts are with you kiwiman. never do i want to hae to go home to bury my dad. it was shit enough with my nan and aunt in the last two years.

it cuts me now. i'm not in the position (financially/workwise) to be able to spend time with him or the rest of my family. he's getting older and due to his 50+ years of smoking isn't the fittest bunny in the field. sometimes i think i'm a selfish **** for leaving. i love my folks. i should let them know and show it more. i'm going to write them a letter....

Well I'm in work again...

Just had a fantastic early morning hack in, and sat here reading your replies ( before the madness starts again for another shift).

Can I just say a big thanks guys! Im struggling with tears again.... But you have all been so honest and reading your posts just makes me realise that I am not the only one to have had a strained father/ son relationship - and that I really do need to get this sorted!

And ton - you didn't hijack this thread mate...you added another dimension to it!

Thanks again

Brack.
Its windy , its a South Westerly, Its forcast to go GF8 this afto. Its low tide mid - late afternoon . You know exactly what to do , cram a load of sram down your neck and get to the beach, Stick a 4.2 on your wave board and go for blast, get some big air, and go proper scary fast .
It won't help you talk to your Dad, I hardly spoke to mine as he was a heavy drinker , but it will put you straight back on an even keel, and you know the feeling lasts for days, and it hasn'tbeen proper windy for a month ( i don't count crap gusty N/W wind).
I will be out hopefully from 2 - 5 , if i survive the Kingly downhill track.

STM

I missed NZCol's comments. I'm sorry to hear your loss mate. I remember you talking about it before. Last chance to say goodbye for you I guess. You can't change the things you can't change - no matter what you do. Then just get back on with your life. Everybody else will. Hope it's not too painful a trip for you dude.

Brack,

Glad you seem a bit better this morning. Keep up the good work.

STM if only !...at work till 7 It's picking up too !!

My hack to work was fantastic though...hardly turned the cranks 😯

Hey watch out for that green chalk!....be greasy as heck up ther today!

Paramedics - heroes in my eyes.

When we do that fantasy "what would you perfect job be" game, I always choose that one.

+1.

I have always regretted not having a go at that noble employment. A job in which you genuinely make a real difference. The reason I ended up in the cess pit that is the construction industry, is, curiously enough in this thread's context, entirely the doing of my old man.

Sorry to jump on this on such a humble post but lowey and ourmaninthenorth, it's never too late to join and is a great job. Thanks for your comments it's appreciated, although we really are just doing a job.

Brack chin up you'll get through the day once the work come in you'll go into professional mode.

Ton

"all i do at work is shout at him to do stuff.
i know i am being a cock, but i cant help it."

Realy? So who is in charge of your mouth and your mind then?
Thats the lamest excuse I have ever heard. Its the same excuse men use who beat thier wives. "she made me do it to her". Its the biggest load of self justification and abdication of personal responsibility you could come up with. Your family must be so disappointed in you.

Lets face it, you had a life in mind for your child all planned out in YOUR head (how often in the past have you asked him what his own hopes for the future are?). Now you are angry because he is not fitting in with the life you had chosen for him and which would have been convenient for you.

I suspect all your anger is about your decisions for other peoples lives being undermined. You are angry with the girlfriend and her family because you cannot force them to comply with your ideal world. You are punishing your son for them as well - as you CAN make his life hell, even if you cant control the girlfriend and her folks. So being cruel to him makes you feel more powerful and in control again.

Go look in the mirror and ask what kind of person you have become and what kind of excuses you are making for such appalling, unloving, unsupportive and utterly self interested behaviour.

You don't love your son, you are using that as an excuse for bad domineering behaviour on your part. This is not really about your son, its about your need to be in control and your panic when its clear you don't get to dictate to everyone around you.

People like you loose their kids in the end and rightly so. I was brought up by people like you, who just saw their kids as pawns using the excuse its 'love' rather than blatant bullying. I have not seen them in 10 years and I must say my life is way better than when I had to put up with such self centred egotistical people and I have no desire to ever see either of them again. They had a rubbish marriage and took out thier need to keep control of life on me.

I know this is a harsh mail but its meant well. Someone's got to be blunt because if you are very lucky, you might still have time to rethink your attitudes and save your family from yourself. IF you are lucky...

Ton - bring the lad up here and mend some bridges.

I dunno. I don't think I sympathise. So your Daddy was less than perfect? Well, "join the world of the f*ckng most of the rest of us". I could tell you MY horror story, but frankly, I don't think it's any of your business...

Elsewhere, there's a guy dying of cancer.

Think yourself lucky.

(No offense and with the best of intentions). ❗

Midnighthour
you obviously misread my post.....so so wrong on all counts.
blokes on here have met me and my son and have seen the interaction between us..we are very good friends indeed.
i agree that the problem is me...totaly.

george, we are coming up on the 4th/5th of december mate.

Midnighthour - I reckon you are bang out of order with this comment (and your other comments btw):

[i]Thats the lamest excuse I have ever heard. Its the same excuse men use who beat thier wives. "she made me do it to her"[/i]

Yes you are quite right, ton did say [i]"all i do at work is shout at him to do stuff. i know i am being a cock, but i cant help it."[/i] but I can't see the bit where he says "he made me do it to him". As far as I can see, ton is blaming himself for his own weaknesses.

OK ton clearly has a problem, [u]which he has fully accepted/recognised[/u]..... so that's the first and most important step out of the way then. And he could do with seeking help for it by attending an anger management course (very effective I am told) or some sort of counselling.

But you have no right whatsoever to project the intense anger which you clearly feel towards your own parents onto him. I reckon you could do with a bit of counselling yourself.

brack, i have a very similar situation and i`m not going to go into it, you can only do your best which is what you obviously did keep up the good work mate you people deserve a medal.

ton, i can also relate to you too, i have read some of the posts that you have replied to and you have replied to me too you sound like a top bloke, try biting your lip before you shout and dont let her see that it bothers you and your wife, tell your son you love him to bits and give him a big hug, that works for me with my 18yr old now and then. gazman

I fell out with my dad when I was 13 he left and spilt up my family, I couldn't understand why he did it, we hardly spoke after that.

Got to my 16th birthday and selfishly asked him to take me to wales for the weekend as living in essex as a supposed mountain biker, I'd never actually seen a fell / mountain / hill. It was the first time we'd spent much time together in 3 years we had a great time camping walking and mountain biking and I got my dad back, we spent the next 2 years going for many walks and rides we'd just been to the lakes for a week for my 18th when Dad help take all my stuff down to university we had a few beers he left and was killed 2 days later in a car crash.

I regret that I was a shit for the times we didn't speak, and am grateful of the times we did have. I'm now 34 and have a 3 year old son myself I'd hate now to think there'd ever be a time when we wouldn't be friends. I think disputes can wreck lives, they're usually not worth it on reflection and the passing of time, don't let pride get in the way of knowing your son / dad.

And yes mike and the mechanics has made me cry, but so has N Dubz but I'm a bit soft.

.....keep up the good work mate you people deserve a medal.

And possibly a wage rise too ?

Paramedic average = £30K, GP average = £120K

..... unless of course, they are allowed to show their medals instead of their debit cards when they go out shopping

Midnighthour...reckon you have some very serious issues which need addressing, but I don't think having a go at Ton is quite the way forward. Completely out of order.

I've read this thread with hugely mixed emotions. My own Dad died 19yrs ago when I was 25. He died a long slow painful death from cancer. We were very close at the end of his life.
HOWEVER, this does not take away from the fact that I spent the first 24 yrs of my life completely terrified of him. He was a very domineering, Victorian style father who had extremely high expectations of his kids. When I got my 2:2 degree for instance, he told me I was second rate with a second rate degree to match!
I have spent the last 19 yrs in and out of counselling as the result of his attitude to me, and also my mother's apathy, standing by and allowing him to behave the way he did.
SO...yes I agree with 2unfit2ride...you just have to get on with stuff.

Ironically, the thing that upsets me most is that my kids don't have a Grandad, and he would have adored them!

I now have a very uneasy relationship with my Mum. She can be very cold and is not big on showing affection. She blames this on her own relationship with her parents!!! ABSOLUTE RUBBISH!!!!
I was shown very litte love and affection when growing up, but have a HUGE capacity to show it to my own kids. I have tried every which way to get my Mum involved in my kids' lives but she just isn't interested. It breaks my heart, but I have reached a point of giving up.

I think I've completely lost my way in this post now 😯

To the OP...that song makes me cry too...I so wish I could tell my Dad how wrong he was about me and that I have made a success of my life! But at the same time I have an immense feeling of love and loss for him too!!

BUT you can't change how people are, you can only change yourself. And do your best every day to have the best relationships you can.

Right...must go now. Had intended to spend the day shopping, not blubbing at the computer.

What a thread.

I haven't spoken to my sister since shortly before my 30th birthday - i'm 42 now.
I spent yrs not speaking to first my mum, then my dad over stupid, inconsequential and idiotic points. I now get on with them both but i regret the yrs of being an immature idiot.

How do we all end up so bloody dysfunctional?

foxychick i bet theres never a day goes by that you dont tell your kids you love them, same here, gazman

Last time I was home I gave my dad a lift from the pub. He was pretty pi$$ed up and started to tell me how he wished his father had told him he loved him. He went on and on about it as only a drunk can then we sat in total silence on the drive home for the next twenty minutes.....

Not bad for a bloke who never told me he cared about me - I guess, as usual, he simply didn't get it 😆

You have to accept your father for who he is and just don't turn out like him! 😉

That's what I did

Too right gazman!! 8)

BUT I'm also very aware that I'm probably deficient in other areas as a parent, which no doubt, the chicklets will be posting about on here in 20 yrs!!

I have major personality traits that are there solely because I lost a father in my formative years

Same here but different traits. As a boy I was closer to my mum until she died. In the 10 months between that and dad dying I started to get to know him. I found out he was a great bloke - not emotional but warm and kind. Total wipeout when I came downstairs one morning to find him dead. Messed up my poor sister and schooling somewhat. We've missed them both.

Good luck with your dads everyone.

Interesting post FoxyChick. But I wouldn't be so dismissive about your mum's explanation for being so cold. Yes, you have gone completely the other way, but it is not usually for children to take rather extreme positions in reaction to unreasonable behaviour from their parents.

For example, children of alcoholics [u]tend[/u] to take a rather extreme attitude towards alcohol. They often become alcoholics themselves or, become teetotallers. The reason for becoming a teetotaller is pretty self-explanatory, but the reason for becoming alcoholic are varied, including genetic, example, and surprisingly, a form of supportive loyalty to the parent.

By becoming alcoholics themselves, they are 'normalising' the condition and saying that it is ok to be an alcoholic. To become a teetotaller would be to rebel against your parents. Some consider that to be supportive and 'normalising' the condition in their eyes, and in the eyes of those around them, is an act of love towards their parents.

So I am not at all surprised at the extreme differences in attitude between yourself and your mum FoxyChick. I can also identify with your contradictory feelings for your dad. Mine too, was a very hard man whom I feared (regularly knocking me all around the shop until I was too physically strong for him). But he he did instil into me some very important beliefs - something which I will be always be eternally grateful to him for. He died about the same time as yours, and I still really really miss the old git.

btw, I'm glad that song has so much effect on other people too - I thought it was just me ! .... I've been known to walk outside when it's been played in pubs, cafes, etc 😐

i recently went to a car accident and had to remove two dead kids and it hit me bad having kids myself i now really worry like mad when my mrs takes the kids out in the car i know its stupid but i try to find reasons for her not to go out with the kids in the car 🙁 just cant help it . Bit off topic but its mad how certain work incidents affect your home life

This thread hits me from a slightly different angle; 37 in a weeks time, we'd found out we (note; modern attitude!) were pregnant back in June. However, a serious condition (Edwards syndrome - severe mental + possible physical abnormalities, & if baby is born alive they rarely make it past 12 months) was spotted at the 13wk scan, & we had to undergo the deliberate-miscarriage route. My angle is of a prospective father; slightly worried I've left it so 'late', now a year older than my own dads age at my birth, but hopefully we'll be happy parents this time next year.
I hold no grudges for my own parents, quite the opposite given some of my teenage behaviour. I wish we were closer than we are but I hope I can remember the profound effect emotional support has.

Bloody 'ell Ernie... I WANT TO GO SHOPPING!!!!! 8)

I am well aware that I have inherited many of my Dad's characteristics...his stubborness,his out-spoken-ness, his belief in truth and honesty and his intolerance of lies. He also had a great compassion for others, which sadly didn't seem to extend to his family.
I also know that he really did love me, but didn't show it!

The first time anyone ever told me they loved me was at aged 19 by my first boyfriend.
I've discussed this at length with my Mum, and she just says she presumed I knew she loved me!!!

My Mum's mum was a very cold person, and my Mum had a difficult childhood.
BUT how hard is it to look at yourself and make a change?
I do it every day of my life. Any old fool can do the things we find easy. It is doing the difficult things that makes the difference.

Oh, and muddydwarf...I'm in a very similar position to you!

I am also well aware that I am trying to be a different parent to my kids than mine were. And that I'm problably making lots of mistakes.

his stubborness,his out-spoken-ness, his belief in truth and honesty and his intolerance of lies. He also had a great compassion for others, which sadly didn't seem to extend to his family.
I also know that he really did love me, but didn't show it!

Creepy.........you could be talking about my dad there ............ are you my sister ? 😯

I am also well aware that I am trying to be a different parent to my kids than mine were.

Ah, but how will your kids ever understand the "importance" of being told that they are loved - will they bother with their own kids ? 😉

HOLY SHIT!!!

Just been to the post office in my car. My CD player hasn't worked for ages. I gave it a whack, and smashed a few buttons, and it jumped into life. Had no idea which CD was in it...Mike and the Mechanics!!!!

So now I've got mascara and eye-liner smudged all over my face.
Will now have to start again with whole face of make-up before I GO SHOPPING!!!! 😉

"i think it is his girlfriend being the one who is causing it, he has not got a bad bone in his body.."

Ton, look at it from her point of view - you essentially accused her of being unfaithful, then told her to abort her child. You say that the atmosphere is terrible when she does come round, and that at work you shout at your son, and that you know you're being a cock.

If he's telling her that, then that, on top of what's gone before, would probably make her think, "Do I really want this man to be a part of my child's life?". She's not necessarily being vindictive towards you, she might just want what she sees as best for her child.

You've apologised, but it might seem a bit hollow if she still sees you as being overly confrontational, and women can be an unforgiving breed, especially when it comes to their kids!

I'm 36 now, and I've not spoken to my father (apart from a brief phone call when I told him I didn't have anything else to say to him) since January 1st 2000.

My mother and he divorced when I was very young, my earliest memory is of him shouting and screaming at her and sending us both away crying for some reason, and although initially I went to live with my mother, after a few months he got custody of me. He remarried a younger, very naive woman, and then when I was seven moved us 300 miles away. Before that time I used to see my mother regularly, after that, only a couple of times per year.

As I was growing up I used to just think that he was strict, and I used to believe the bullshit that he gave me that he was just doing things 'for my own good', and that he treated me exactly the same as my half brother and sisters, however I now know that not to be true.

Whatever I did would never be good enough for him, and whenever I saw him, or came back from school for shool holidays he'd spend hours berating and browbeating me about every little perceived defect in my personality. He also used to seem to delight in upsetting me, and would deliberately put barriers in the way of me doing things that I wanted, again to 'teach me a lesson'. On one famous occasion at a parents evening he asked the masters at school why I had never been beaten!

Even after I left school for university this pattern of behaviour carried on, with the added aspect that he'd then use money as a hold over me, threatening to stop paying for university if I didn't do what he wanted. From the day I qualified I never took a single penny from then on in the hope that by removing that hold things would get better, unfortunately they didn't. Eventually it got to the stage that after speaking to him on the phone, I'd end up speaking to the samaritans because he'd make me feel so awful about myself and that I was a failure, even though I was training to be a surgeon at the time.

The strange thing was that inbetween times he would be fine, perfectly pleasant, although not exactly close or nurturing. The problem was that you never knew how he would react from day to day.

Earlier on I said that I used to think that he was just strict, but as part of my training (I am now a GP) I had to go on a course about Domestic Abuse. It was one of the most surreal afternoons of my life, because although there are the well known catagories of physical and sexual abuse, what most people understand less well is emotional neglect and abuse. As the lecturer was giving us examples of this sort of behaviour, I recognised that each one was something my father did frequently.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post, and I'm not sure what it adds to the thread, but recognising a few of the behaviours alluded to above (seeking the approval of friend's parents being a prime example), I though I'd add part of my story. I'm not sure where I'm going from here, I'm 36, and although I have an interesting and fulfilling job, I live alone and struggle to form intimate relationships other than with my bike! I guess what I'm trying to say, is sometimes fathers aren't worth knowing, they're just a waste of space.

This has got to be the most thought provoking and sensitive thread since the Picolax thread,this one i cry with sadness and admiration for you people,non of you ive ever met,your openness and willingness to help each other is absolutely fantastic its just such a pity we couldnt manufacture it on a larger scale and inject the population with it,and then we would be a better country to live in.

Next Sunday its the second aniverary of my dads death from Prostate cancer,then at christmas its my partners Mums aniversary of her death.

Im not takeing it well,yet when i read all your passionate posts, it makes it easier,because most of my tears are gone on your posts.

Thank you all so much, but for all the wrong reasons,with time things do work out, but the longer you take to talk, the longer and more bitter things become.

Mrs Toast - Member

i think you are probably right.
i do seem to go on about it.
i am gonna try and bite my lip and just go with the flow from now on.
if they come round a bit, then that will be a good thing.
i think i do need to change my attitude towards them both....
i will try very hard...

I know I have had my say earlier, but as I have just had a blazing argument with my eldest I thought I would try & show some of the younger ones who hate their dads how things sometimes happen.

I get a phone call from my wife whilst I'm at work telling me she has let our 12 year old daughter go to the cinema with friends, nothing new there, except its in a not very nice town which I have previously said she cannot go to without an adult supervision.
OK so I'm already pretty pissed off with the wife, she (the wife) then tells me she had told our daughter to call or text to say she got into the cinema safely & all is well, well our daughter didn't & now my wife is worried sick so she asking me for reassurance that everything is OK.
Well how the fec do I know, so now I'm worried as well, great. So after my daughter misses the agreed meeting time & her friends mum can't make contact with her daughter either things are a little strained, but just like most kids they turn up a little late & without a care in the world, phew.
So after my wife has called to tell me everything is OK the discussion turns to how to deal with the situation, we can't ignore it so we have to make a choice.
Unsurprisingly it comes down to me to punish her (remember when I told you earlier that I never wanted my daughter to go to this place to begin with?, well if I was listened to it could never of happened right?) so I have banished her to her room for the rest of the night & told her she can't watch TV or use her mobile or internet until she has finished ALL of her homework, and after that she can watch TV in bed & is not allowed downstairs until tomorrow.

Well guess who the bad guy is, guess who is being told that 'I hate you'
or 'it's so unfair' & has to put up with the crying?

Sometimes dads just have to do these things, it's not because they want to, it's because they love their offspring.

Think before you go moaning that your dad is an uncaring disciplinarian.

2unfit2ride...I know exactly how you feel!
My daughter is 11 and is really pushing the boundaries at the moment. My son is 8 and is just plain damned naughty!!
Your problem, in my opinion, is your relationship with your wife, not your daughter. Why the hell is it that you that have to do the "punishing"? It was your wife who let her go to the "forbidden" town.
Next time something like this happens leave it to your wife to sort out and go for a bike ride!!
Parents should act as a team. If MrFC did not support me over the kids he would get very short shrift!!

And, in a calm moment, when all is good again, tell her that however angry you are with her, you will always love her.

FC, if it was left to my wife to do the discipline then we would no longer be together, she's a bit soft, and I'm a bit to hard. I'm not sure it works as well as being a 'team' would, but a team we are not, as I said in my first post...

No relationship is perfect, make the most of what you have, don't bitch about what you could of had, hearsay is vastly overrated.

Cheers.

Can I add that not all children will carry on their fathers uncaring/loveless/selfish/abusive ways.

My Grandfather was away during the war for 6 years, his daughter (my Mum) grew up as a small child not knowing him. On his return, she found this strict unloving huge man had taken over the household. Her fear of him led her to marry my father at a very early age to escape.
She and her sister have turned out to be very loving, caring fantastic parents themselves and bear no resemblance to him.
As Ernie said the chain can get broken.

I wish all of you with problems all the best.
As the saying goes 'you can shoose your friends, not your relatives',

2unfit2ride...really didn't mean to upset/offend you.

FC, you didn't 🙂

Oh good! 8)

Parenting is the hardest job in the world; any old ****er can do it, you don't need any qualifications and there's no training!!!

2unfit2ride, there's a massive difference between a caring father who enforces boundaries when necessary and one who is controlling and bullying

ton - may I suggest that perhaps you are finding it difficult in coming to terms with being a grandparent. The only reason I am saying this is because my best friend has recently been in a similar situation although her son was a bit older. My friend felt that the final tie had been cut with her son and she has been "replaced" as it were.

Yes, she would have wanted the big wedding and being involved in all that but she ended up being ignored. Her advice/opinions were not sought.

She is really struggling with it, feeling "pushed out", examining her own life and expectations. The age thing features very strongly although I suspect she is older than yourself.

I suspect that unless you have adult children, people just can not relate to this.

It sounds as though you feel you have lost a friend/riding buddy. You won't have ... things are just a bit different.

[i]2unfit2ride, there's a massive difference between a caring father who enforces boundaries when necessary and one who is controlling and bullying [/i]

They're not the same thing at all.

Kramer,

Maybe so in your eyes, but I see little difference to what others have posted above.

In my eyes some of this generation are to worried about themselves to care what others think.

Ho hum, maybe remembrance day will cease to be a recognised event before I die.

Edit, the reference to remembrance day was to show how little respect some others have to previous generations, not a throw away metaphor.

cinnamon_girl
that is just how we feel...pushed out, not involved at all.
the girl is 17 and still lives at home, she still needs her mum to look after her.
also her mum does not work and is doing more than her share of looking after the baby.
like i said we have seen the baby 4 times in the 9 weeks, and then only for 1 hour at a time.
my son went out to celebrate his 18th last saturday, we asked if they wanted us to look after the baby, we were to 'no she is staying with her grandma'
i said to my son, why when she is with her all week, i was not given a answer.
only time i see my son now is at work, rest of the time he is at the gf's house and he sleeps on the sofa..
whenever i mention anything about it we end up arguing..
so like i said, i am gonna keep my mouth shut and see if things change..
my wife is heartbroken about it all...
we will see what happens..

in all fairness how would any parent react if their 17 yr old came home and told them that his gf of 6 month was pregnant...
maybe i should not have asked if it was his, was he sure, and telling him it would be better if she had a abortion..
i still feel the same way...am i wrong for that..i do not know..

2unfit2ride, I'm 36, not sure what generation that makes me in your eyes.

Putting down in writing what an emotionally abusive parent is like doesn't do it justice, and it's difficult to explain the difference to someone who's not been in the situation, especially on an internet forum, but there is a huge difference.

ton - easier said than done but don't beat yourself up. We do want our children to follow a pretty much defined path - are we wrong for having these expectations? Should we have no expectations at all?

My friend's son is the same age as my son. I could not imagine mine becoming a father cos he isn't mature enough and hasn't had enough "life experiences", for want of a better phrase.

I can imagine your wife being heartbroken - the mother and son bond is particularly strong.

Be there for your son ... and his girl friend. They will surely come to you and your wife when they are ready. Their emotions must be all over the place - terrified of having a tiny baby to care for, terrified of the future, terrified of how they will manage financially and possibly terrified (in their eyes) of being a disappointment to you and your wife.

Give it time, leave the door open.

Ton, I feel your pain, but I'm sure you know you handled it wrongly to begin with.
Kids are a royal PITA until they really mature, all you can do is guide them, values installed now will often take years to reap, thats life.
Take solstice in the fact that you thought you had done the right thing by him, and let your child know that that was the best you could do, if they want to discuss it further then have the conversation with him, don't hide behind being a parent, he is one now too.

Have a great evening.

cinnamon_girl -

thanks for that... 🙂

ton - your kid MUST have a DNA test done on the bastard.
Otherwise he will pay the CSA for the next 16 (+) years.
Brutal - nope - sensible.

Ti29er - that's tactless and unnecessary 👿

Ti29er - you had a tact bypass?

Kramer, I'm only a few years older than you so I shan't be condescending.
I fully understand that some parent's get it wrong,I'm sure I have/will, but to tar everyone with the same brush is wrong. Without the full facts (not easy on the internet) generalisations do no-one any favours, so bitter experience in a general thread lead others to believe that they have been hard done by.
All I am saying is that being a parent, and as far as I'm concerned a dad, could be seen by my kids as being the enemy, & if that's something I have to deal with to make sure I install the right virtues in my children then so be it.

christ ti29er i hope you dont bump into tony on dark trail ;-(

2unfit2ride not trying to tar everyone with the same brush, fortunately most parents aren't the same as my father, just making the point that the slightly romantic idea that your relationship with your parents is something sacrosanct to be preserved at all cost, isn't always correct.

Kramer - I hope you don't have to visit your parents in a nursing home for dementia sufferers. I now cherish the short time left with my father but feel extremely upset that someone who has fought in World War II is reduced to being looked after as though they were a child.

Just remember that parents will have had a tougher life than us.

Kramer,

I think its good that most of us lead a 'normal' life, to think you have had a hard time saddens me, but if you put it in context your one in a million, I know that doesn't help you, & to a certain extent I feel for you (in an I don't know you kind of a way) but the way 'some' of the posts on the first page were put across you would think it was the norm.
Parents are harsh for a reason normally, maybe not in your case, but the reason I mentioned remembrance day above was to show how I was bought up, respect your elders, we ALL have an easy life in comparison to our fathers & forefathers, so be grateful not sad.
Cheers.