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If my wife wants me to do something she asks for example 'do you want to take the bins', no of course I don't want to, it's low down on the list of things I want to do but I will, or even can.
'How do I?" or "Where can I?" type posts on here where it would be easier and quicker to simply Google it in the first place.
"You're not gonna get none". So I am going to get some? Awesome!
People who that things are "all about" something ("all about the bass" etc.) No they friggin aren't !!
Travelling on the tube - the well of annoyance that never runs dry, with a common theme that people are completely selfish. Just a simple example - standing in front of the door reading a newspaper and not moving when the train stops and the doors open. I have taken to pushing briskly past such persons.
If my wife wants me to do something she asks for example 'do you want to take the bins', no of course I don't want to, it's low down on the list of things I want to do but I will, or even can.
MrsJ - "will you do me a favour . . . . . . . . . . . . . ?"
Well, not without knowing what the **** it is !!!
[quote=richmtb said]
Loose instead of lose.
Every time I read it I almost loose it
A bridleway I use runs alongside a field. The field contains some horses.
Someone, I guess the field/horse owner, has put several laminated A4 signs up along the field boundary stating "Horses lose".
Bit harsh I thought 🙂
People who are clearly racially prejudiced but are never taken to task over it because they're a nice guy, friend to everyone or might have had some health problems....
Going onward from Jekkyls post; the acceptance in modern society that it's just wrong to blame someone for being wrong, becuase theres an excuse for them to be wrong, and therefore actually what's realy wromg is you getting on your high horse about the poor old mite that's actually wrong.
We live in a blame culture where no one accepts the blame. Weird.
People who can't walk in a straight line
otherwise known as a Meanderthal
People who stop to have a chat in the middle of the pavement or - even worse - in doorways. The inlaws are buggers for it, I've had to gently shuffle them on a number of times.
The walking two or three abreast one. On my walk into University I used to have to stop several times along one road as groups of women would fail to acknowledge that they were taking up the whole path. Never seemed to have issues with groups of blokes. Spacial awareness issues? maybe. Frustrating, definitely.
[quote=flyingmonkeycorps said]People who stop to have a chat in the middle of the pavement or - even worse - in doorways
See also supermarket aisles.
Has anybody in Christendom ever opened a pkt of Weetabix without the flakes spreading to the four corners of the Earth?
Just a simple example - standing in front of the door reading a newspaper and not moving when the train stops and the doors open. I have taken to pushing briskly past such persons.
I love those people who think that they can get onto a train before the people wishing to get off have done so. I'm not a big chap but as the train is slightly higher than the platform all it takes is a little lean forward to show them that they are being foolish.
Everyone is in such a rush these days, and for what?
Another meanderthal trait is to somehow take up the entire width of a shared path all by themselves. This is a common beef on my commutes.
Professional cooks who can't reliably poach an egg.
People who won't step onto the platform to allow people off a packed train.
It's a drivetrain not a drivechain.
People who use the word 'beef' when they mean 'complaint' or 'problem'.
People who use the word 'beef' when they mean 'complaint' or 'problem'.
British people who refer to the police as "Five Oh", "Feds" etc
I have taken to pushing briskly past such persons
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IHN - Member
People who use the word 'beef' when they mean 'complaint' or 'problem'.
Beef rhymes with "grief" originates from your cockerneys, I believe.
Using your phone in the quiet carriage to talk your friend, in the loudest possible voice about your sexual exploits from the previous evening with the bloke you've recently met, then going into great detail about the resulting volume of bodily flui......
[no, I cant even bring myself to repeat it as I may gag again]
People that talk on their mobile phones on trains. The entire carriage is in silence but some braying peacock thinks the entire train needs to hear every wonderful detail of their life at a volume that even The Who would have considered excessive at their peak.
Using your phone in the quiet carriage to talk your friend, in the loudest possible voice about your sexual exploits from the previous evening with the bloke you've recently met, then going into great detail about the resulting volume of bodily flui......
This used to bother me greatly on coach/train journeys. I then bought a jammer from DX...
IHN - Member
People who use the word 'beef' when they mean 'complaint' or 'problem'.
surroundedbyhills - MemberBeef rhymes with "grief" originates from your cockerneys, I believe.
Fair enough; People who don't wear pearly jackets and eat jellied eels who use the word 'beef' when they mean 'complaint' or 'problem'
People who reverse into parking spaces in car parks. Why? Do you not want to use your boot?!
The way my wife prefaces anecdotes from work with "It was so funny..." regardless of the actual chance of the story being amusing.
The fact that the cafe at the bus station still cuts the toast I have with my breakfast into triangles despite me asking pretty much every time for them not to cut it. (So I can make a sandwich with some of the bacon & egg).
The dog pestering me for a walk when I've just got home from work & am knackered, then wanting to turn round after a quick wee.
Everyone is in such a rush these days, and for what?
According to the excellent mindfulness book I'm reading, to be unhappy.
My next one:
People who refer to me as "mate" when clearly they aren't as in "Hello Mate..."
See also supermarket aisles.
...and the tops of escalators.
Oh and people who being a post with "...and"
People who say "different tact" when they mean "different tack"
Add people who say "mute point" when they mean "moot point" to that list.
When my girlfriend says something along the lines of "can you help me clean the kitchen table?" when she means "can you clean the kitchen table?"
People who say the word question before asking a question, mostly Americans.
"I'm sorry but"
followed by something that they're clearly not sorry about saying at all.
And "Cue" vs "Queue".
[quote=jimoiseau said]People who say "different tact" when they mean "different tack"
Add people who say "mute point" when they mean "moot point" to that list.
When my girlfriend says something along the lines of "can you help me clean the kitchen table?" when she means "can you clean the kitchen table?"
People who say the word question before asking a question, mostly Americans.
"Answer: **** off"
[i]People who reverse into parking spaces in car parks[/i]
People who reverse out of parking spaces/drives into busy streets/carparks where it would be much safer to have reversed in to the space and drive out forwards.
[i]People who refer to me as "mate" when clearly they aren't as in "Hello Mate..."[/i]
I call everyone mate, mate.
People who reverse into parking spaces in car parksPeople who reverse out of parking spaces/drives into busy streets/carparks where it would be much safer to have reversed in to the space and drive out forwards.
Can't agree, my bike comes out the back.
wwaswas - Member"I'm sorry but"
followed by something that they're clearly not sorry about saying at all.
Im sorry but I thought that was an apology for interjecting, rather than about the point about to be made?
People who reverse into parking spaces in car parks. Why? Do you not want to use your boot?!
people who don't understand why you should reverse park unless you have a proper reason not to.
People who use a 2 word American phrase, when there's a perfectly adequate single word English equivalent.
ie. "Heads up" - Warning! you knob.
and "Reach out" - Contact! you imbicile.
The phrase "See you later", they won't, they don't know where I live and I have no desire to ever see them again, I did appreciate them however going to work and scanning my shopping, and accepting my coupons and payment, but as for seeing me later, wasn't in my itinerary.
people who don't understand why you should reverse park unless you have a proper reason not to
People who reverse out of parking spaces/drives into busy streets/carparks where it would be much safer to have reversed in to the space and drive out forwards.
Nah, never a good reason 😉 I have educated my children accordingly
The way my wife will start talking to me after I've left the room, and then accuse me of walking away whilst she was talking to me. No, love, I walked away and then you started talking.
Or talking to me whilst she's getting stuff out of the fridge in the utility room and I'm in another room, and between us there are two doorways, a noisy boiling kettle and a knackered boiling rattling itself off the wall, and then getting narky when I ask her to repeat what she said because I couldn't hear it properly. Or getting really narky when I don't reply because I didn't hear her at all.
Nah, never a good reason
I dunno, getting a wheelchair out of the boot seems a valid one to me 😉
[i]Or talking to me whilst she's getting stuff out of the fridge in the utility room and I'm in another room, and between us there are two doorways, a noisy boiling kettle and a knackered boiling rattling itself off the wall, and then getting narky when I ask her to repeat what she said because I couldn't hear it properly. [/i]
I actually had to go for a hearing test to prove it wasn't me being deaf that was the cause of me not hearing under similar circumstances.
Now I'm 'just not paying attention'.
People who do 20mph around the Lake District with a queue of cars behind them but haven't got the common decency to pull over and let them past. And caravans. And companies that don't reply to your emails - looking at you Genesis bikes.
I love Mrs Monkey to bits, I really do. But her insistence that we need to watch television and movies together ALL THE TIME can be wearing sometimes.
We have a number of devices and comfortable spaces in the house, one of the reasons we got the broadband and Netflix packages we did is that it allows us to watch two things at once and, most importantly, we have VERY VERY different taste in movies.
We do cross over, and it is nice to hang out and watch stuff together, but I fear she will never develop a taste for creepy horror, soul crushingly bleak thrillers or Jason Statham; nor do I imagine that, after almost 36 years of avoiding REALLY REALLY TERRIBLE romantic comedies, I will suddenly discover a propensity for watching at least one a week.
Also she squeezes the toothpaste from the middle. That should be a shooting offence.
Anyone who describes a bike/car/phone/other inanimate object as "sexy". Kate Upton* is sexy. A collection of metal and carbon fibre parts is not. Visually pleasing possibly, but you don't want your genitals to interact in a rubby rubby squirty squirty kind of a way with a bike do you? Do you???
People who can't tell the difference between Frogs and Toads. 😉
As previously mentioned people who say Pacific when they mean specific.
I normally ask them if we need to be more salty or full of sharks and Australians.
My wife when she says "We need to..." she means "You need to..." which I counter which "Crack on then..."
*Your feeling may differ, other sexy human beings are available.
Excellent grumpy old man thread. 🙂
Cafes that put the napkin between the sandwich and plate. If its a dribbly sandwich then napkin is already ruined. bah.
TM
People who think pockets which haven't yet had holes worn in them is evidence that pockets don't get holes worn in them.
New one. The woman in front of me in the queue at the shoe mender / key cutting place.
In front of her was another lady who was getting some sort of engraved item done, involving filling out some sort of order book and checking spellings, etc. All of which is quite a reasonable thing to do, and didn't annoy me in the slightest.
However, knowing I needed to be back to the office for a phone call, and all I needed was a pair of laces to replace the ones I'd just broken, I didn't think it unreasonable to ask if it was possible to just pay my £1.50 quickly and then chuff off again.
So politeness itself, i enquired and the lady and the server were only too happy.
But not the woman in front. 'EXCUSE ME! I WAS NEXT IN THE QUEUE!'
Well, you don't seem to be in a hurry, as you haven't asked in a nice way like I did. Nor do you have a simple transaction, such as 'That'll be £1.50, there you are, thanks' but you want new soles and heels on you boots that'll involve some time to organise.
Was i wrong? Am i rude? Only 1 out of the 4 people in the shop seemed to think so, but she did so in such an irritating way, with all that 'well you're there now' sarcasm.
I hope your heel falls off and you twist your ankle, you vinegary old witch.
People who buy cheap trousers with sub-standard pockets.
The reverse parking method is what we are expected to adopt as part of our company car defensive driving technique.....safer to then pull back out of the parking bay.
Of my own, folk who stop at the foot or top of escalators to decide where to go next...."there's a ruddy queue of people approaching from behind that can't stop, get out of the way!!!!!"
people who park their trolley sideways across supermarket aisles while they chat or browse...always give them a nudge out of the way.
Walking slowly,two or three abreast (or whatever the number is needed to block the footpath/route) oblivious to the blockage being caused.
Those drivers that hog the pump while they do their shopping after filling up....move the car first please!
IHN - MemberThe way my wife will start talking to me after I've left the room, and then accuse me of walking away whilst she was talking to me. No, love, I walked away and then you started talking.
Or talking to me whilst she's getting stuff out of the fridge in the utility room and I'm in another room, and between us there are two doorways, a noisy boiling kettle and a knackered boiling rattling itself off the wall, and then getting narky when I ask her to repeat what she said because I couldn't hear it properly. Or getting really narky when I don't reply because I didn't hear her at all.
I have found then walking back and saying "could you say that again as I couldn't hear you" normally elicits the response "it doesn't matter"
Full of win 😉
I think this trousers argument could have some legs to it
I have found then walking back and saying "could you say that again as I couldn't hear you" normally elicits the response "it doesn't matter"
do this 3 times in a row, then ignore the 4th time, wait for inevitable outrage for not listening and see what happens when you reply with "oh, does this time matter?" 😉
People who spend £20 or £30 more on trousers in order to avoid paying £5 for something to hold their coins.
In relation to the check-out pack-first-then-pay irritations; people who have waited in a bus queue, get on the bus and decide that it is only then that they will search for the bus fare. While everyone else has to wait. Get the money out while you are waiting like everyone else!!!!!!
And another one, people who block a queue (checkout, ATM) while they file away receipts and money into the purse/wallet and then put said purse/wallet into a bag before moving on. Multi-task people, file and walk, file and walk...
ooh Ive been beaten to a few such as usage of the word 'like'! I swear some kids use it at least three times in every sentence! Grrr!!!
Being called Mate in a shop or suchlike environment.....arrgh!!!
(Being called mate by someone(for instance) asking for directions...is acceptable.)
People who think the answer to alleged damage caused by small, light and round things in their pockets is to put them all into together into a now singularly heavier, bigger and pointy-cornered thing.
Two insignificant little things drive me wild. I know it's wrong and I cant explain it, but I get an urge (luckily controlled so far) to physically harm men I see with either of the following..
A Polo shirt with the collar turned up..
or
A Scarf without a coat..
Work.
Everybody at work.
Everybody at work who can't leave the kitchen in a reasonable state.
People who insist on using a bazillion different cards at the cash point including printing off statements, checking balances, ordering underwear, playing sodoku, learning farsi, having a scale and polish and finally, FINALLY withdrawing £20.
Ah!
People who select the ATM option which generates a hardcopy balance printout and then leave the printout in the machine.
When the vending machine has a row of "assorted" flapjacks and the one you want is second behind some white chocolate crime against confectionery.
people who don't know what speed limit is in force and upon seeing a speed camera slam on the brakes to about 25mph even in a 40 or national speed limit zone.
I love Mrs Monkey to bits, I really do. But her insistence that we need to watch television and movies together ALL THE TIME can be wearing sometimes.
Why. Do. They. Do. That?
The reverse parking method is what we are expected to adopt as part of our company car defensive driving technique.....safer to then pull back out of the parking bay.
I went for an interview at a place where you were ordered in big letters in the car park to reverse into your spot. When I checked in at reception, they asked if I had, too.
(Actually, I can't remember now whether it was pacifically an order to reverse in or drive in - it's, like, a mute point anyhow, mate).
npower.
Actually, scrub that.
They are a MAJOR irritation.
Traffic.
The universal use of the phrase "apologies for any inconvenience caused", like it does anything to mitigate the problems caused by the incompetence of the writer.
"These toilets are out of order. Apologies for any inconvenience caused"
No inconvenience, I'll just shit my pants, don't worry about it.
No inconvenience, I'll just shit my pants, don't worry about it.
This is a valid tactic, or indeed a likely outcome, when the alternative is one of those turkish loos. Having almost made a mess of myself finding a working toilet in a French city once I almost made a mess of myself by crapping into my trousers rather than the surprisingly hard to hit hole.
Fat Willy's Surf Shack stickers.
I thought the fact that I'd riding a nice gentle 20km with the dog in the sunshine would alleviate any irritations.
BUT
My sister said she'd be round at 1400 arrived at 1414 then moaned about the stuff I was giving her, then moaned that her wedding was too expensive, oh she's just bought a new car. Grrrr
Gone now, sun's out, the world is improving.
People who stand in the queue at the takeaway for 10 mins and only look at the menu to decide what they are having when they get to the counter?
People who go to restaurants and ask for something that isn;t on the menu, not for any allergy reason, but because they "... really fancy meatballs today"
Pay and display car parks that have a number to phone or an app to use to pay for your parking, that then levies a "convenience" charge on top of the fee I'm already angry about having to pay for just leaving my car somewhere.
The wife's habit of giving retrospective driving directions, submerged in a wealth of irrelevant detail
"[i]Look, that's the road where Auntie Megan used to live. She was married to Bill who worked on the railways. He had a stroke and had to go into a home. It was so sad. You should have turned left back there.[/i]"
I think I might have to start taking bets on which one of you is going to have a heart attack first.
Groups of two or more women walking on the pavement towards you, hogging the entire path (often needlessly so).
They see you coming towards them, but fail to move over, presumably expecting you to dive valiantly out of their way into the traffic so they may continue on their gloriously important journey unimpeded.
On a related point, people who stab you in the head with their umbrella spokes, having failed show the modicum of courtesy required to angle it slightly away from your eyeballs.
The phrase two times.. it's TWICE! The other half said it the other day and I had to leave the room.
Skinny verti cappuccino.. over my dead body will I request such a thing.
The teapots in motorway services that are hotter than the sun and piss tea everywhere.
Having almost made a mess of myself finding a working toilet in a French city
you need this:
https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/ou-faire-pipi-a-paris/id586193914?mt=8
Men complaining about their irritating wives.
It was not "faire pipi" which was the urgent part 😉
"Two AM in the morning".... grrrrrrrnrnnnnnnnnnnn... IT CAN'T BE ANY OTHER TIME OF DAY
atlaz - MemberPeople who go to restaurants and ask for something that isn;t on the menu, not for any allergy reason, but because they "... really fancy meatballs today"
*s who think when I order gluten free, it's because I'm on some fad diet, like all those other ****ers.
Also, *s who think that a salad constitutes a gluten free option.
"Fellah".