Tonight we made the mutual decision to call time on our marriage. My entire world is on its head, now what
the rest of your life, this isnt and end just the start of a new phase. Change is a constant.
One thing I found that helped was I was determined to do a good job of separating. I was fair, honest, open and wanted to achieve a good settlement for both sides. I always felt that those that let bitter recrimination, hate and blame take over their lives some how diminished them in the eyes of their friends.
Make it a positive step forward and you will come out the other side a better person who is respected
I wish it was that easy. It would still take me year to be out of it even if I gave notice today. That's the bitch with the military.
moose
1. Get real legal advice. Your pension is worth a lot of money. This will be money well spent.
2. Dont leave the home, its yours as much as hers
3. Dont leave the service before your pensions up
4. Agree a date of the split and get a read out from service pension, you will need this for the financial settlement
5. You have been together only a short time so the financial impact will be little but as above, set a date that you both agree the split started on. You will need this. Also limits your exposure to any joint debt
Sorry all thats very financial but its key
Thanks Pawsy. I'll make some phone calls this morning.
Ninfan has it. I've not seen a divorce yet where the woman doesn't turn into an evil manipulative bitch.
no he hasn't. My divorce is entirely amicable, even though my wife had reason to be angry.
And remember - a relationship which ends has not necessarily failed. You [i]will [/i]be able to look back and see that there were good things you had from it even though it has ended, and not regret starting. As the great Dan Savage says, every relationship you ever have will end, till you are in a relaitonship where one of you dies... Change is inevitable.
It's just a very confusing and emotional time. To finally admit and make a decision that I knew was coming is still heartbreaking.
THIS it takes time but it gets better and you move on
How long this takes will depend on many many factors
Good luck to you all
People dont turn manipulative it just that what was co operation has just become selfish so it appears that they have done this as both parties tend to want different things
Moose
Similar here.
Divorce papers arrived
As most have said seek good solicitors advice
I am a bit older than you (60)
PM me if you want a chat
Phwill77atgeemaildotcom
All best
OP my thoughts are with you, rough times now and to be honest for a while yet. As someone who left it far too long to get divorced and then went through a very ugly and expensive legal process my best advice would be do all you can to keep it civil, look after yourself and your kids. Making the decision is tough but being in the wrong relationship is worse.
I've not seen a divorce yet where the woman doesn't turn into an evil manipulative bitch.
Mine was like that when we where married 😯 in fairness she speaks well of me too 🙂
As for legal advice you can see a solicitor but there are also arbitration services whuch are much cheaper and can and do produce reasonable settlements as you have one lawyer in the middle who sets out the "base case". Based on your 50% of nothing comment the key financial stuff is what you will have to pay your wife and kids as maintainence.
Best wishes and post here as you need to.
Moose,
I'm three months ahead of you. What I've learnt so far:
Emotional roller coaster to be expected (I instigated the separation but still have strong ties/feelings after 17 years of not so happy marriage).
Some friends really are there to help you but there are some (including family) that shock and disappoint you-as if it's an affront to them that you're undergoing personal issues.
Seek legal advice. My wife had drawn up a financial agreement within 2 hours(!) and has had lots of well intentioned but irrelevant (everyone's situation is different) advice which can be very detrimental to a fair settlement.
Kids: mine have been amazing. My job keeps me away from them much of the time but they understand that and I visit as often as I can (4 times a month sadly) but am in touch with them every day.
The future: early days for me. Trying not to overthink things as I really don't know what's round the corner but I have a goal to rebuild my life and see more of my boys.
I will always have sadness that I failed in my dream to have a happy family home life but if I'm brutally honest it was always at great personal emotional expense to maintain that facade.
A military pension is quite complex to sort out between you. It's worth trying to sacrifice equity to maintain this pension I feel; that's what I've offered.
It WILL get better. Enjoy the now. The bike beckons (I've done loads of riding since and have actually improved techniques!).
Good luck.
Well done for trying to keep it amicable, it will pay dividends in the long run, my ex & I managed to decide between ourselves the outcome we wanted & presented it to the solicitors in that fashion - just be aware that to protect themselves your respective solicitors will need to advise you of what you "could" both claim in any divorce settlement & you will need to be firm with them to stick with what you have agreed between you & your prospective ex 🙁
Don't be put off by the naysayers, not all ex's are evil & manipulative, but it can take a long time to recover from the experience, took me a long time to tell family & friends of our problems at the time & I needed to take time out from too much family stuff but in the long run its all come good in the end. I've got three smashing boys, two soon to be step daughters & we always spend family occasions together with the ex & her new family - only downside is the cost of family outings gets a bit on the high side when there are 11 to pay for 😯
As above good luck & I assure you it will get better.
Moose; A few thoughts
- Speak to your CO. Your unit will be able to offer you support in a number of ways. Don't ignore this point.
- Things will get better, a whole load better, in the meantime eat well and exercise as much as you can
- don't turn to booze/drugs
- Find someone to speak to, it helps to keep a perspective on things and discuss what you are feeling
- See a solicitor, but remember, at the end of the day they will not sort this out for you. Your wife and you will need to reach an agreement on what happens with money and kids. Sure, the solicitors will help that process, but they will charge massively for that and the longer it goes on for the better off they will be (trust me on that one, I've got the T-shirt)
- If you feel yourself getting drawn into serious arguments/rows, walk away and come back later.
Good luck and keep your chin up.
I don't have any prwactical advice in this situaiton, other than general sympathy for you, your wife and family that things have come to this.
You're now experiencing change in its most raw form. [url= http://www.educational-business-articles.com/change-curve.html ]Have a look at the classic "change curve"[/url] to understand that this is a journey you need to go through and that there are ways to work yourself to a succesful outcome at the other end.
Good luck.
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Today was rough, but we talked a little more this evening. We have plan of sorts, just have to see how things go over the next few days.
I'm mil as well and went through this 2 years back. Some advice that I got at the time that turned out to be good:
Keep it simple and get it sorted quick as possible. Guilt fades and people's focus shifts to No 1. We were keeping it amicable, after a year of the process she got graspy.
Do the stuff you enjoy for a bit, then internet dating is the military man's friend; it's a long way off, but once you get a new partner you won't think so much about the old one.
Good luck, hope you manage to keep it friendly.
Not been through a divorce (never married) but a 6-year unhappy relationship ended years ago and it was one of the best things that ever happened to me - could live life on my own terms and it meant I had to accept responsibility for my own problems which ultimately went a long way to fixing them...
Worth getting access to a counsellor (Relate or other) to help you through?
Seen a couple of very close friends go through divorces - wasn't easy for either but allowing yourself to ask for help and lean on trusted friends could help you a lot. Both those friends are now happily remarried.
Good luck
I am two divorces down now, don't be afraid to lean on friends. Friends are the most awesome resource ever! You can pay them back later if needed!
Keep busy, socialise, do what you enjoy.
Some great advice from most above Get advice, stay amicable and when you can do turn to your mates. You are definitely not alone in this. There will be some choppy water ahead but it will get better and you will find stability and happiness again.
Play Rory Gallagher's "A Million Miles Away" very loudly.
Best of luck with it.
3. Dont leave the service before your pensions up
Maybe some things are worth more than money??? If you really do love each over, but it's the job that's the issue, then you need to assess your priorities...........
3. Dont leave the service before your pensions up
Maybe some things are worth more than money??? If you really do love each over, but it's the job that's the issue, then you need to assess your priorities...........
Yeah, the original quote isn't by the OP. Carry on everyone.
Moose,
Sorry to hear. If you still love each other have you considered counselling? It does help but both parties need to be committed to make it work.
Whatever path you choose wish you both the very best
My wife finally decided after 18 months of deliberation that she no longer wanted to be with me in August after 20 years of marriage and 3 days short of my 50th so I know enough to say no one knows how you feel, probably not even you most of the time. 🙂
I still love her as much as the day I married her and I did and still do want us to be together but I guess that just isn't enough. I expect it seems weird but we are still in the same house together with the kids, still eat together, still often sit down and watch the telly together but we have our own rooms. We share the income we have and the bills and then pay ourselves an amount each month to do as we see fit with. I've changed my role at work which means I no longer constantly travel so ironically we probably see more of each other than we ever have done in the past.
Keep busy is the best thing, I've started doing the Park Run thing on a Saturday and bought a road bike and joined a club who have runs out every Sunday. Things I couldn't have done before making changes to my job.
I think it's important just to go out and do stuff, I've bought a ticket for a gig on Saturday even though I'll be going alone, it's not how I'd want to do it but it beats sitting around feeling life is going on without you.
I'd like to think that at some point I'll have a relationship again but the priority is to build a good life that isn't centered on anyone else.
The fact that the kids aren't biologically his means that she can't shaft him quite as hard, as it's the biological fathers responsibility to look after them financially. The ex may be well meaning and amicable, but when she speaks to a solicitor, they will advise her to get as much as she possibly can out of you, so get Legal advice NOW!
From experience watching friends split up, when it comes to divvying out the possessions don't get too arsey about it. It's a) not worth arguing over that teapot and b) it gets expensive when solicitors start getting involved about said teapot, even if it is your 'favourite'.
Whilst it's not the best response, at least it's the situation that causing the split rather than the individuals so that might help to make it amicable, or at least more manageable.
If you've not told your immediate friends/family it might be worth speaking to someone you trust in your close circle about it.
I care little for possessions, my bike and my macbook. That's about it, the rest are irrelevant.
Some people may have missed the part where my pointed out my notice period is 365 days. So giving that still wouldn't solve the issue, and leave me seriously out of pocket for something I have already committed nearly 20 years to. If I could walk tomorrow and make this work I would, I can't.
I've told a few more people, it's still hell. I'm still at home and we're trying to figure out what the hell is happening. I'm in a sickening limbo while we find our way forward. As for the legal advice, taken and received. While things are polite I'm happy to stay and help where I can. If it turns, I'm gone. She's not entitled to anything, and as I'll leave with barely anything, she can't have 50% of nothing.
All the best moose, I've got this and more at the moment. It WILL get better over time, I know it doesn't mean much now. It might be worth trying to move out sooner rather than later as you are only prolonging the inevitable. talk to friends, family people off here. Try and smile.
I hear you OP but ...
She's not entitled to anything, and as I'll leave with barely anything, she can't have 50% of nothing.
she could get, for example, 30% of your future income
As they are not your kids you are not obliged to provide for them including housing. Where I'd be careful is if social services / CSA get involved as if the biological father won't pay they may come after you.
As you say do not give up the job, you've put too much into it, the pension benefits are still accruing and getting another decent job these days is not easy
Good luck. Not sure in country style music is your style but this song helped me a lot, always brought a smile to my face, "Sinoritas who can sway" 8)
Sorry to here this moose. As you say, financial suicide I'd guess to leave with 2.5 years left even if you could. Even with a years notice that would prob only leave you a year left in practice after, with all the resettlement stuff and (free) courses to go on?
Just when I thought Jamby couldn't get any worse. The Mavericks, FFS.
We've had a good chat tonight. Things are in a better place. I think we'll be able to move forward amicably. We both recognise it'll take some work.
nice one - keep it there and GL
Hey Moose, I've been there as well. FFS try & stay friendly ish then the kids shouldn't suffer much & hopefully you & ex won't either.
Are you at Catterick? I'm just down the road in Boroughbridge if you need to speak to a complete stranger with a similar history/interest who rides Swaledale regularly.
I'm literally just up the road! Literally.
I'm literally just up the road! Literally.
Catterick or Ripon?
Dishforth.
That was my next suggestion! Fancy a pint at The Black Bull?
Sounds like a plan. I have to move out over the weekend, a sunday pint may be just what I need.
Moose, YGM. & I'm off on Sunday followed by a late shift Monday. 😛
Well done esselgruntfuttock
20 months ago for me.Im sorry to say this,but you seem to still love her,that isn't something you can make her do back,no matter what you do. We chewed lumps out of each other at first,then things got civil in time,and time is what it absolutely takes.I sat on the edges of corries up in the first wee while. I look back at that now and it seems a different person. Get everything in writing BUT KEEP IT CIVIL. That will smooth the path towards seeing your kids. Nobody wins when it gets nasty,other than the lawyers.
I started going through similar things last year. My advice is similar to others here.
Talk to people, even if you make new friends ( who know what you are going through ), talk to them. I couldn't talk to close friends, but there are a couple of people who I found along the way who didn't ask dumb questions and didn't keep telling it will be okay etc.. They mean well, but I know it doesn't help much.
It will get worse before it gets better, but you can do it. Each day ends and if you can get through the ones you have, you will get through the next, take each one on at a time. You can survive and you will start to enjoy things again, but it wont come tomorrow, or the day after, give it time. Give yourself time to adjust and re-invent yourself. Learn to like yourself again. ( I look forward to when I can do this ! )
If you want to be part of the childrens lives, then make sure you are, dont take easy options or cut your nose to spite your face etc. Keep in mind what is important and what you want. Dont let the negativity of things change this or colour what you know is important.
Chin up and best foot forward! Start planning some nice stuff. A pint with a mate, a bike ride, anything that you can look forward to. Just try not to lock yourself away emotionally or physically, it doesn't help, but I do understand wanting to. Keep it small, plan for the week ahead, then you will start planning longer term and things will change and evolve for you and the children.
You will survive and the children will thank you for it!
If you cant find my mail in the account stuff, shout and I will find yours if you want to vent/chat.
Just trying to let the waters settle for now come to terms with it all. I'm 2 1/2 years from my full service up in the Army so changing my job right now isn't an option.
Found myself in a very similar position 2 years ago, with 18 months left til pension. She's serving as well (RAF) and years of living at opposite ends of the country, or even in different countries full stop, took their toll. We have a son; because it was situation rather than people that caused the end, we made him our focus, no need for any enmity as he'd be the one that'd suffer at the end of the day.
Let your UWO help, mine did, but they were very subtle and in the background, there if and when I needed them. Get in to the SLA, but don't get involved in the block parties! Keep your focus, occupy your time - I threw myself in to my phys very hard and volunteered for deployment, 9 months in Africa kept my mind distracted and occupied. Maybe an option, maybe not, depends on what you want.
6 months out of the Army now and hit the 2 year separation point - papers go in to court on Tuesday. She said she wasn't bothered about rushing to get divorced, but I wanted/needed to take back some control of the situation as I felt like a passenger. Financially, we agreed very quickly on our position, we leave each other's pots alone, I give her the legal child maintenance amount plus a couple of percent - she's in til 55 so her pension'll be worth more than mine but pennies aren't worth fighting over and we're both relying on gratuity and pension to set ourselves up when we leave - again, son is the focus, if we're taking money off each other we can't afford to get our feet on the property ladder and he'll be the one to ultimately suffer. Although I know it'll be a bit different for you with them being step-kids.
If you fancy a trip over the A66, look me up in Ambleside - can go for a ride and a pint, share experiences and war stories and hopefully get you on the right track.
My most sincere commiserations, the early days are sh1t, but it DOES and WILL get better.
There's no pleasing some people @Lifer 8) No one is really interested in this thread being about what people may or may not think of me.
Guys, I cannot thank you all sincerely enough for you words of support. I am very much still in love with my wife, which is a problem. I am more accepting of this situation today, even though I am mentally, physically and emotionally shattered.
All I can do is try and keep things civil. She's a good woman who has reached her point. I can only accept this and try to move on with my life. We both want to stay in each others lives, just not as intimate partners. I hope we can achieve this.
7 months for me. Best thing that ever happened to me. My life is a slight variation on this now
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