Tonight we made the mutual decision to call time on our marriage. My entire world is on its head, now what? 🙁
That's gutting. I can't say much except to remind you that you're not alone, and that you probably need to lean on friends for a bit. Sincere best wishes.
🙁
Sorry to hear that moose.
I guess there will be lots of good advice on here.
If it were me I think I'd take some time off work and take a while to be alone and reflect on where I want to go next with my life.
Is it to early to suggest coke and hookers??
Sorry,feel bad for you really hope it all works out for you.
As above, take your time. Don't forget you loved her once, so she's probably a good person. No kids?
I'd go for a ride.
Three step-kids who I love dearly and our two hounds. I still love her very much, but even I know when i'm flogging a dead horse. As for the ride, no dice, still only a few week post shoulder surgery. I just feel very alone all of a sudden.
ooof. That smarts from here.
Where are you? Local STW possee never too far away Im sure.
moose
Im very sure you feel utterly crap now but it will be OK in the end
You may even come to think of it as a positive as unlikely as that may seem
Best of luck
I feel your pain. It gets better eventually so I'm told.
It takes strength what you two have done.
Brave decision IMO plenty of people stay in relationships because it's easier to be unhappy with the status quo then to face something new.
As Graham says take some time off/out, you need to process it and balls to stiff upper lip. I wish I had more advice, but if relationships were easy there wouldn't be a million songs written about them.
Kids involved?
Most important advice first - she may well have been thinking about this for some time and already taken legal advice from a solicitor, you would be shocked at how sneaky people can be in these circumstances.
Cold and brutal here: [b]Right now you are more vulnerable than you think[/b], be careful, you will most probably want to be reasonable and compromise - this could easily place you at significant disadvantage further down the line
Vital:
1) [b]do not do anything until you have spoken to a solicitor[/b] most importantly, do not move out to "give her room" or anything like that - wait until you have seen a family solicitor.
2) Do not rise to her baiting you - some (by no means all!) Women will deliberately try and get a reaction out of you, if you lose your rag it [b]will[/b] be used against you.
I'm in North Yorkshire, it's not something I'm ready to share to my wider friends, need to get to grips with it myself first. Currently on the sofa, we're just going to figure out how to minimise the impact on the kids over the next couple of days.
[quote=Lifer ]Brave decision IMO plenty of people stay in relationships because it's easier to be unhappy with the status quo then to face something new.
<hand up> I always read these threads, but rarely contribute, wondering when I'm going to be starting one
From, the above - kids involved, thats important, and rightly going to be your priority.
don't go to work tomorrow, phone in sick, go and see a solicitor, don't tell the mrs that you are doing it.
so, I'm adding,
3) speak to your solicitor first, [b]but[/b] if you can get an agreement down on paper now about access to the kids while everything is fresh and before protectionism kicks in, do it - it will save them being used as a weapon if (when?) it becomes nasty in the future.
as ninfan says - women can and do turn proper psycho in this situation. try to get thing sorted and nailed down in tablets of stone asap.
I really feel for you mate, I've been through it and wouldn't want to do it again. My advice would be try to keep it as civil as possible between the two of you, the more you fight the more money you end up giving away to solicitors.
There is light at the end of the tunnel even though it doesn't seem like it now. Talk to your friends and family, it's really hard to do at first but it helps a lot. Good luck.
aracer - Member - Block User
<hand up> I always read these threads, but rarely contribute, wondering when I'm going to be starting one
I was there myself, and it was such a waste of time and energy.
Go for a bike ride.
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+1 for keep it civil though. It will make it a hell of a lot easier with kids involved.
wanmankylung - Member - Block User
as ninfan says - women can and do turn proper psycho in this situation
Some [b]people[/b] can, certainly. But a lot of people also sort it out amicably.
Without going into details, there isn't a lot she can do in this situation. Together for 5, married for 4. I'm not even considering the negatives here. You can't take 50% of nothing.
It'll be tricky for a while, but just think of it as a passing storm, everything is temporary and soon enough you'll be bathing in the sunshine again and glad of what experience has taught you.
Sorry you're having such a shitty night. From what you say there's little reason for a protracted legal battle so maybe hold out a little hope that you can end things on as decent a note as is possible under the circumstances.
I have a few friends that came to the end of long term relationships and for the most their partner is the hell spawn incarnate but there is one former couple that somehow managed to be considerate and reasonable throughout the whole process and have ended up as decent friends.
if it were me i'd want to let people close to me know as soon as I was sure that it's definitely going to happen otherwise you're going to be living with a secret and that's a pressure that can't really help. I understand that sharing this sort of thing with people that matter is difficult but I thing it's a good way of starting to move forward.
All I can do is reflect what Lifer said and say well done to the both of you. I can't imagine how hard a choice that is to make but if you're doing it for the right reasons then better getting out sooner rather than later.
Best of luck to you all, hope it sorts itself out amicably and you all get to move on with minimal pain.
Look after yourself.
Join a gym, eat well, ride, get ripped.
Lay off the booze, start some new social hobbies, do some charity work, become the most interesting person you can.
Haircut, new clothes, good shoes and watch, white teeth, smell good, time for a reboot.
Shallow but worth it.
You won't look back in 6 months. I certainly didn't.
Ninfan has it. I've not seen a divorce yet where the woman doesn't turn into an evil manipulative bitch.
That's tough and I dare say it all seems a bit raw and desperate right now in the immediate aftermath. Ending any relationship is painful, however try to remember that it's these times that make us. My mantra is 'good from bad, every time'. Attitude and gratitude.
So in that regard, jhj + lots.
try and stay calm, that means keeping off the booze, try to go to work and get on with life. i cant recommend relate enough, if only to give some guidance on how to exit a marriage. email in profile if you need it, been through this.
Still licking my wounds here, if you think you are getting down don't turn to the bottle, do some exercise.
I would give serious consideration to speaking to your IRL friends. Its a sucky situation but it'll be easier with someone to talk to.
I've not seen a divorce yet where the woman doesn't turn into an evil manipulative bitch.
No need for such a nasty and unhelpful comment.
OP - one day at a time.
Hang in there, champ.
Don't drink alcohol (any). It's a chemical that makes you short-tempered, tired, and brittle - you've probably got enough of that already.
Exercise/walks/podcasts.
And if you find yourself getting sucked into a bicker with someone you love: try to be kind and be the better person. (You might need the patience of Jesus for this last one).
Thank you, all. I'm not a drinker anyway so it's not an issue avoiding that. Being in the military complicates this because they feel the need to get involved, in most cases they actually make things worse. Trying to keep them out of the loop so we can sort out things like adults.
I'm a rollercoaster of emotions at the moment, trying to keep things even is a total struggle. I woke up this morning incredibly angry; it took some effort to move past that. Our priority is the children, making sure the effect is as minimal as it can be.
It's nice to have this anonymity, sometimes the kindness of strangers makes you feel a little less alone.
It was my friends that got me through it, so I would talk to them. I am so grateful for how they grouped together and helped me through. Nearly two years on and I'm happy in life and healthy,something which I never was when married. Just take each day as it comes, there will be bad ones but it will improve.
My only advice is to share custody of the kids 50/50.
Being in the military complicates this because they feel the need to get involved, in most cases they actually make things worse. Trying to keep them out of the loop so we can sort out things like adults.
At the same time, there will be a lot of people there who have been through similar, and will be keen to protect you.
I know you want to sort things like adults, but remember that, as discussed, you may well be well behind the curve on this whole thing, remember that any allegations against you *will* **** your career, true or not, and she will know this - if you are in SFA consider moving into SLA to protect yourself, there may be a grace period before you have to change your PStat.
Happened to me in 09 age 48 felt like life was over very dark thoughts and bad times, but the sun kept rising and after a long while i laughed lived and loved again I traveled said **** it to the future and blew my pension job every thing and changed my life
You will survive this it will get better
Godd luck.
Ouch. Hope it all turns out ok for you.
we made the mutual decision
our priority
I've got no good advice or experience but it sounds like you're keeping things on as level a keel as you can by making kids the priority and staying civil. Keep it up and best of luck.
+1 keep it civil
We got divorced almost 20 y/o and having young children needed to be in touch constantly, which we did.
I paid what we agreed (plus topped up when she went through financial 'issues'). Haven't really spoken to her in 2-3 years now as the kids are grown up (and working). But neither of us have bad feelings, and both happily married again.
That's all I want. I don't want this to turn into the usual horror show. I still love her, she just cannot cope with my job and the effect is has on us and how much it has changed me. Part of me, blindly hopes we can find a way to each other.
It's just a very confusing and emotional time. To finally admit and make a decision that I knew was coming is still heartbreaking. Thank you all for your advice and kind words. It's really appreciated.
If it's the job she dislikes, change jobs?
Moose - think you said step kids and together 4/5 years?
That's indeed tricky as they will know you well. You need to agree how this is resolved first. Do you stay in their lives? I'm sure they will appreciate a joined up plan with you and the mrs.
I said this in another thread, children are like drying cement, if something drops on them it can leave a big impression. tread carefully.
Yep see a solicitor. Always good to know where you stand and not all women become psycho's, but some can.
Yep, look after yourself and you'll know what that means, biking, friends, hobbies, hookers and coke, whatever it needs.
the pain is temporary. be strong.
[i]I still love her, she just cannot cope with my job and the effect is has on us and how much it has changed me[/i]
then change jobs..?
c'mon really, your career over kids?
Yes mate. Step-kids. I have no legal standing when it comes to them, but I've been their dad for the last four years since we've been married. They're 11, 9 and 8. My wife and I are trying to figure out the path ahead, I need to help her get set up on her own and assist where needed.
As for legal advice, I've had some from a family friend, I'm in a good place with all that. Just trying to let the waters settle for now come to terms with it all. I'm 2 1/2 years from my full service up in the Army so changing my job right now isn't an option.
