[Closed] So my marriage just ended, now what?

That's gutting. I can't say much except to remind you that you're not alone, and that you probably need to lean on friends for a bit. Sincere best wishes.
🙁

Sorry to hear that moose.

I guess there will be lots of good advice on here.

If it were me I think I'd take some time off work and take a while to be alone and reflect on where I want to go next with my life.

Is it to early to suggest coke and hookers??

Sorry,feel bad for you really hope it all works out for you.

As above, take your time. Don't forget you loved her once, so she's probably a good person. No kids?

I'd go for a ride.

Three step-kids who I love dearly and our two hounds. I still love her very much, but even I know when i'm flogging a dead horse. As for the ride, no dice, still only a few week post shoulder surgery. I just feel very alone all of a sudden.

ooof. That smarts from here.

Where are you? Local STW possee never too far away Im sure.

moose

Im very sure you feel utterly crap now but it will be OK in the end

You may even come to think of it as a positive as unlikely as that may seem

Best of luck

I feel your pain. It gets better eventually so I'm told.

It takes strength what you two have done.

Brave decision IMO plenty of people stay in relationships because it's easier to be unhappy with the status quo then to face something new.

As Graham says take some time off/out, you need to process it and balls to stiff upper lip. I wish I had more advice, but if relationships were easy there wouldn't be a million songs written about them.

Kids involved?

Most important advice first - she may well have been thinking about this for some time and already taken legal advice from a solicitor, you would be shocked at how sneaky people can be in these circumstances.

Cold and brutal here: [b]Right now you are more vulnerable than you think[/b], be careful, you will most probably want to be reasonable and compromise - this could easily place you at significant disadvantage further down the line

Vital:

1) [b]do not do anything until you have spoken to a solicitor[/b] most importantly, do not move out to "give her room" or anything like that - wait until you have seen a family solicitor.

2) Do not rise to her baiting you - some (by no means all!) Women will deliberately try and get a reaction out of you, if you lose your rag it [b]will[/b] be used against you.

I'm in North Yorkshire, it's not something I'm ready to share to my wider friends, need to get to grips with it myself first. Currently on the sofa, we're just going to figure out how to minimise the impact on the kids over the next couple of days.

[quote=Lifer ]Brave decision IMO plenty of people stay in relationships because it's easier to be unhappy with the status quo then to face something new.

<hand up> I always read these threads, but rarely contribute, wondering when I'm going to be starting one

From, the above - kids involved, thats important, and rightly going to be your priority.

don't go to work tomorrow, phone in sick, go and see a solicitor, don't tell the mrs that you are doing it.

so, I'm adding,

3) speak to your solicitor first, [b]but[/b] if you can get an agreement down on paper now about access to the kids while everything is fresh and before protectionism kicks in, do it - it will save them being used as a weapon if (when?) it becomes nasty in the future.

as ninfan says - women can and do turn proper psycho in this situation. try to get thing sorted and nailed down in tablets of stone asap.

I really feel for you mate, I've been through it and wouldn't want to do it again. My advice would be try to keep it as civil as possible between the two of you, the more you fight the more money you end up giving away to solicitors.
There is light at the end of the tunnel even though it doesn't seem like it now. Talk to your friends and family, it's really hard to do at first but it helps a lot. Good luck.

aracer - Member - Block User
<hand up> I always read these threads, but rarely contribute, wondering when I'm going to be starting one

I was there myself, and it was such a waste of time and energy.

Go for a bike ride.

[img] [/img]

+1 for keep it civil though. It will make it a hell of a lot easier with kids involved.

wanmankylung - Member - Block User
as ninfan says - women can and do turn proper psycho in this situation

Some [b]people[/b] can, certainly. But a lot of people also sort it out amicably.

Without going into details, there isn't a lot she can do in this situation. Together for 5, married for 4. I'm not even considering the negatives here. You can't take 50% of nothing.

It'll be tricky for a while, but just think of it as a passing storm, everything is temporary and soon enough you'll be bathing in the sunshine again and glad of what experience has taught you.

Sorry you're having such a shitty night. From what you say there's little reason for a protracted legal battle so maybe hold out a little hope that you can end things on as decent a note as is possible under the circumstances.

I have a few friends that came to the end of long term relationships and for the most their partner is the hell spawn incarnate but there is one former couple that somehow managed to be considerate and reasonable throughout the whole process and have ended up as decent friends.

if it were me i'd want to let people close to me know as soon as I was sure that it's definitely going to happen otherwise you're going to be living with a secret and that's a pressure that can't really help. I understand that sharing this sort of thing with people that matter is difficult but I thing it's a good way of starting to move forward.

All I can do is reflect what Lifer said and say well done to the both of you. I can't imagine how hard a choice that is to make but if you're doing it for the right reasons then better getting out sooner rather than later.

Best of luck to you all, hope it sorts itself out amicably and you all get to move on with minimal pain.

Look after yourself.

Join a gym, eat well, ride, get ripped.

Lay off the booze, start some new social hobbies, do some charity work, become the most interesting person you can.

Haircut, new clothes, good shoes and watch, white teeth, smell good, time for a reboot.

Shallow but worth it.

You won't look back in 6 months. I certainly didn't.

Ninfan has it. I've not seen a divorce yet where the woman doesn't turn into an evil manipulative bitch.

That's tough and I dare say it all seems a bit raw and desperate right now in the immediate aftermath. Ending any relationship is painful, however try to remember that it's these times that make us. My mantra is 'good from bad, every time'. Attitude and gratitude.

So in that regard, jhj + lots.

try and stay calm, that means keeping off the booze, try to go to work and get on with life. i cant recommend relate enough, if only to give some guidance on how to exit a marriage. email in profile if you need it, been through this.

Still licking my wounds here, if you think you are getting down don't turn to the bottle, do some exercise.

I would give serious consideration to speaking to your IRL friends. Its a sucky situation but it'll be easier with someone to talk to.

I've not seen a divorce yet where the woman doesn't turn into an evil manipulative bitch.

No need for such a nasty and unhelpful comment.

OP - one day at a time.

Hang in there, champ.

Don't drink alcohol (any). It's a chemical that makes you short-tempered, tired, and brittle - you've probably got enough of that already.

Exercise/walks/podcasts.

And if you find yourself getting sucked into a bicker with someone you love: try to be kind and be the better person. (You might need the patience of Jesus for this last one).

Thank you, all. I'm not a drinker anyway so it's not an issue avoiding that. Being in the military complicates this because they feel the need to get involved, in most cases they actually make things worse. Trying to keep them out of the loop so we can sort out things like adults.

I'm a rollercoaster of emotions at the moment, trying to keep things even is a total struggle. I woke up this morning incredibly angry; it took some effort to move past that. Our priority is the children, making sure the effect is as minimal as it can be.

It's nice to have this anonymity, sometimes the kindness of strangers makes you feel a little less alone.

It was my friends that got me through it, so I would talk to them. I am so grateful for how they grouped together and helped me through. Nearly two years on and I'm happy in life and healthy,something which I never was when married. Just take each day as it comes, there will be bad ones but it will improve.

My only advice is to share custody of the kids 50/50.

Being in the military complicates this because they feel the need to get involved, in most cases they actually make things worse. Trying to keep them out of the loop so we can sort out things like adults.

At the same time, there will be a lot of people there who have been through similar, and will be keen to protect you.

I know you want to sort things like adults, but remember that, as discussed, you may well be well behind the curve on this whole thing, remember that any allegations against you *will* **** your career, true or not, and she will know this - if you are in SFA consider moving into SLA to protect yourself, there may be a grace period before you have to change your PStat.

Happened to me in 09 age 48 felt like life was over very dark thoughts and bad times, but the sun kept rising and after a long while i laughed lived and loved again I traveled said **** it to the future and blew my pension job every thing and changed my life

You will survive this it will get better

Godd luck.

Ouch. Hope it all turns out ok for you.

we made the mutual decision

our priority

I've got no good advice or experience but it sounds like you're keeping things on as level a keel as you can by making kids the priority and staying civil. Keep it up and best of luck.

+1 keep it civil

We got divorced almost 20 y/o and having young children needed to be in touch constantly, which we did.

I paid what we agreed (plus topped up when she went through financial 'issues'). Haven't really spoken to her in 2-3 years now as the kids are grown up (and working). But neither of us have bad feelings, and both happily married again.

That's all I want. I don't want this to turn into the usual horror show. I still love her, she just cannot cope with my job and the effect is has on us and how much it has changed me. Part of me, blindly hopes we can find a way to each other.

It's just a very confusing and emotional time. To finally admit and make a decision that I knew was coming is still heartbreaking. Thank you all for your advice and kind words. It's really appreciated.

If it's the job she dislikes, change jobs?

Moose - think you said step kids and together 4/5 years?

That's indeed tricky as they will know you well. You need to agree how this is resolved first. Do you stay in their lives? I'm sure they will appreciate a joined up plan with you and the mrs.

I said this in another thread, children are like drying cement, if something drops on them it can leave a big impression. tread carefully.

Yep see a solicitor. Always good to know where you stand and not all women become psycho's, but some can.

Yep, look after yourself and you'll know what that means, biking, friends, hobbies, hookers and coke, whatever it needs.

the pain is temporary. be strong.

[i]I still love her, she just cannot cope with my job and the effect is has on us and how much it has changed me[/i]

then change jobs..?

c'mon really, your career over kids?

Yes mate. Step-kids. I have no legal standing when it comes to them, but I've been their dad for the last four years since we've been married. They're 11, 9 and 8. My wife and I are trying to figure out the path ahead, I need to help her get set up on her own and assist where needed.

As for legal advice, I've had some from a family friend, I'm in a good place with all that. Just trying to let the waters settle for now come to terms with it all. I'm 2 1/2 years from my full service up in the Army so changing my job right now isn't an option.

Tonight we made the mutual decision to call time on our marriage. My entire world is on its head, now what

the rest of your life, this isnt and end just the start of a new phase. Change is a constant.

One thing I found that helped was I was determined to do a good job of separating. I was fair, honest, open and wanted to achieve a good settlement for both sides. I always felt that those that let bitter recrimination, hate and blame take over their lives some how diminished them in the eyes of their friends.

Make it a positive step forward and you will come out the other side a better person who is respected

I wish it was that easy. It would still take me year to be out of it even if I gave notice today. That's the bitch with the military.

moose

1. Get real legal advice. Your pension is worth a lot of money. This will be money well spent.

2. Dont leave the home, its yours as much as hers
3. Dont leave the service before your pensions up
4. Agree a date of the split and get a read out from service pension, you will need this for the financial settlement
5. You have been together only a short time so the financial impact will be little but as above, set a date that you both agree the split started on. You will need this. Also limits your exposure to any joint debt

Sorry all thats very financial but its key

Thanks Pawsy. I'll make some phone calls this morning.

Ninfan has it. I've not seen a divorce yet where the woman doesn't turn into an evil manipulative bitch.

no he hasn't. My divorce is entirely amicable, even though my wife had reason to be angry.

And remember - a relationship which ends has not necessarily failed. You [i]will [/i]be able to look back and see that there were good things you had from it even though it has ended, and not regret starting. As the great Dan Savage says, every relationship you ever have will end, till you are in a relaitonship where one of you dies... Change is inevitable.

It's just a very confusing and emotional time. To finally admit and make a decision that I knew was coming is still heartbreaking.

THIS it takes time but it gets better and you move on

How long this takes will depend on many many factors

Good luck to you all

People dont turn manipulative it just that what was co operation has just become selfish so it appears that they have done this as both parties tend to want different things

Moose
Similar here.
Divorce papers arrived
As most have said seek good solicitors advice
I am a bit older than you (60)
PM me if you want a chat
Phwill77atgeemaildotcom
All best

OP my thoughts are with you, rough times now and to be honest for a while yet. As someone who left it far too long to get divorced and then went through a very ugly and expensive legal process my best advice would be do all you can to keep it civil, look after yourself and your kids. Making the decision is tough but being in the wrong relationship is worse.

I've not seen a divorce yet where the woman doesn't turn into an evil manipulative bitch.

As for legal advice you can see a solicitor but there are also arbitration services whuch are much cheaper and can and do produce reasonable settlements as you have one lawyer in the middle who sets out the "base case". Based on your 50% of nothing comment the key financial stuff is what you will have to pay your wife and kids as maintainence.

Best wishes and post here as you need to.

Moose,

I'm three months ahead of you. What I've learnt so far:

Emotional roller coaster to be expected (I instigated the separation but still have strong ties/feelings after 17 years of not so happy marriage).

Some friends really are there to help you but there are some (including family) that shock and disappoint you-as if it's an affront to them that you're undergoing personal issues.

Seek legal advice. My wife had drawn up a financial agreement within 2 hours(!) and has had lots of well intentioned but irrelevant (everyone's situation is different) advice which can be very detrimental to a fair settlement.

Kids: mine have been amazing. My job keeps me away from them much of the time but they understand that and I visit as often as I can (4 times a month sadly) but am in touch with them every day.

The future: early days for me. Trying not to overthink things as I really don't know what's round the corner but I have a goal to rebuild my life and see more of my boys.

I will always have sadness that I failed in my dream to have a happy family home life but if I'm brutally honest it was always at great personal emotional expense to maintain that facade.

A military pension is quite complex to sort out between you. It's worth trying to sacrifice equity to maintain this pension I feel; that's what I've offered.

It WILL get better. Enjoy the now. The bike beckons (I've done loads of riding since and have actually improved techniques!).

Good luck.

Well done for trying to keep it amicable, it will pay dividends in the long run, my ex & I managed to decide between ourselves the outcome we wanted & presented it to the solicitors in that fashion - just be aware that to protect themselves your respective solicitors will need to advise you of what you "could" both claim in any divorce settlement & you will need to be firm with them to stick with what you have agreed between you & your prospective ex 🙁

Don't be put off by the naysayers, not all ex's are evil & manipulative, but it can take a long time to recover from the experience, took me a long time to tell family & friends of our problems at the time & I needed to take time out from too much family stuff but in the long run its all come good in the end. I've got three smashing boys, two soon to be step daughters & we always spend family occasions together with the ex & her new family - only downside is the cost of family outings gets a bit on the high side when there are 11 to pay for 😯

As above good luck & I assure you it will get better.

Moose; A few thoughts

- Speak to your CO. Your unit will be able to offer you support in a number of ways. Don't ignore this point.
- Things will get better, a whole load better, in the meantime eat well and exercise as much as you can
- don't turn to booze/drugs
- Find someone to speak to, it helps to keep a perspective on things and discuss what you are feeling
- See a solicitor, but remember, at the end of the day they will not sort this out for you. Your wife and you will need to reach an agreement on what happens with money and kids. Sure, the solicitors will help that process, but they will charge massively for that and the longer it goes on for the better off they will be (trust me on that one, I've got the T-shirt)
- If you feel yourself getting drawn into serious arguments/rows, walk away and come back later.

Good luck and keep your chin up.

I don't have any prwactical advice in this situaiton, other than general sympathy for you, your wife and family that things have come to this.

You're now experiencing change in its most raw form. [url= http://www.educational-business-articles.com/change-curve.html ]Have a look at the classic "change curve"[/url] to understand that this is a journey you need to go through and that there are ways to work yourself to a succesful outcome at the other end.

Good luck.

[img] [/img]

Today was rough, but we talked a little more this evening. We have plan of sorts, just have to see how things go over the next few days.

I'm mil as well and went through this 2 years back. Some advice that I got at the time that turned out to be good:

Keep it simple and get it sorted quick as possible. Guilt fades and people's focus shifts to No 1. We were keeping it amicable, after a year of the process she got graspy.

Do the stuff you enjoy for a bit, then internet dating is the military man's friend; it's a long way off, but once you get a new partner you won't think so much about the old one.

Good luck, hope you manage to keep it friendly.

Not been through a divorce (never married) but a 6-year unhappy relationship ended years ago and it was one of the best things that ever happened to me - could live life on my own terms and it meant I had to accept responsibility for my own problems which ultimately went a long way to fixing them...

Worth getting access to a counsellor (Relate or other) to help you through?

Seen a couple of very close friends go through divorces - wasn't easy for either but allowing yourself to ask for help and lean on trusted friends could help you a lot. Both those friends are now happily remarried.

Good luck

I am two divorces down now, don't be afraid to lean on friends. Friends are the most awesome resource ever! You can pay them back later if needed!

Keep busy, socialise, do what you enjoy.

Some great advice from most above Get advice, stay amicable and when you can do turn to your mates. You are definitely not alone in this. There will be some choppy water ahead but it will get better and you will find stability and happiness again.

Play Rory Gallagher's "A Million Miles Away" very loudly.

Best of luck with it.

3. Dont leave the service before your pensions up

Maybe some things are worth more than money??? If you really do love each over, but it's the job that's the issue, then you need to assess your priorities...........

3. Dont leave the service before your pensions up

Maybe some things are worth more than money??? If you really do love each over, but it's the job that's the issue, then you need to assess your priorities...........

Yeah, the original quote isn't by the OP. Carry on everyone.

Moose,

Sorry to hear. If you still love each other have you considered counselling? It does help but both parties need to be committed to make it work.

Whatever path you choose wish you both the very best

My wife finally decided after 18 months of deliberation that she no longer wanted to be with me in August after 20 years of marriage and 3 days short of my 50th so I know enough to say no one knows how you feel, probably not even you most of the time. 🙂

I still love her as much as the day I married her and I did and still do want us to be together but I guess that just isn't enough. I expect it seems weird but we are still in the same house together with the kids, still eat together, still often sit down and watch the telly together but we have our own rooms. We share the income we have and the bills and then pay ourselves an amount each month to do as we see fit with. I've changed my role at work which means I no longer constantly travel so ironically we probably see more of each other than we ever have done in the past.
Keep busy is the best thing, I've started doing the Park Run thing on a Saturday and bought a road bike and joined a club who have runs out every Sunday. Things I couldn't have done before making changes to my job.
I think it's important just to go out and do stuff, I've bought a ticket for a gig on Saturday even though I'll be going alone, it's not how I'd want to do it but it beats sitting around feeling life is going on without you.
I'd like to think that at some point I'll have a relationship again but the priority is to build a good life that isn't centered on anyone else.

The fact that the kids aren't biologically his means that she can't shaft him quite as hard, as it's the biological fathers responsibility to look after them financially. The ex may be well meaning and amicable, but when she speaks to a solicitor, they will advise her to get as much as she possibly can out of you, so get Legal advice NOW!

From experience watching friends split up, when it comes to divvying out the possessions don't get too arsey about it. It's a) not worth arguing over that teapot and b) it gets expensive when solicitors start getting involved about said teapot, even if it is your 'favourite'.

Whilst it's not the best response, at least it's the situation that causing the split rather than the individuals so that might help to make it amicable, or at least more manageable.

If you've not told your immediate friends/family it might be worth speaking to someone you trust in your close circle about it.

I care little for possessions, my bike and my macbook. That's about it, the rest are irrelevant.

Some people may have missed the part where my pointed out my notice period is 365 days. So giving that still wouldn't solve the issue, and leave me seriously out of pocket for something I have already committed nearly 20 years to. If I could walk tomorrow and make this work I would, I can't.

I've told a few more people, it's still hell. I'm still at home and we're trying to figure out what the hell is happening. I'm in a sickening limbo while we find our way forward. As for the legal advice, taken and received. While things are polite I'm happy to stay and help where I can. If it turns, I'm gone. She's not entitled to anything, and as I'll leave with barely anything, she can't have 50% of nothing.

All the best moose, I've got this and more at the moment. It WILL get better over time, I know it doesn't mean much now. It might be worth trying to move out sooner rather than later as you are only prolonging the inevitable. talk to friends, family people off here. Try and smile.

I hear you OP but ...

She's not entitled to anything, and as I'll leave with barely anything, she can't have 50% of nothing.

As they are not your kids you are not obliged to provide for them including housing. Where I'd be careful is if social services / CSA get involved as if the biological father won't pay they may come after you.

As you say do not give up the job, you've put too much into it, the pension benefits are still accruing and getting another decent job these days is not easy

Good luck. Not sure in country style music is your style but this song helped me a lot, always brought a smile to my face, "Sinoritas who can sway" 8)

Sorry to here this moose. As you say, financial suicide I'd guess to leave with 2.5 years left even if you could. Even with a years notice that would prob only leave you a year left in practice after, with all the resettlement stuff and (free) courses to go on?

Just when I thought Jamby couldn't get any worse. The Mavericks, FFS.

We've had a good chat tonight. Things are in a better place. I think we'll be able to move forward amicably. We both recognise it'll take some work.

nice one - keep it there and GL

Hey Moose, I've been there as well. FFS try & stay friendly ish then the kids shouldn't suffer much & hopefully you & ex won't either.
Are you at Catterick? I'm just down the road in Boroughbridge if you need to speak to a complete stranger with a similar history/interest who rides Swaledale regularly.

I'm literally just up the road! Literally.

I'm literally just up the road! Literally.

Catterick or Ripon?

Dishforth.