great advice. I've never been in this situation and never want to be but remember that your partner will have had a long time to think this through and may already have taken advice. Give yourself the space to think clearly before doing anything.Don't do anything hasty. Its a shocking event but a calm head is required, Share all you want here.
1. Dont move out.
2. Dont bad mouth her infront of the kids
3. Stay civil regardless of provocation
4. Dont move out.
5. Make your children the number one priority in this. Their needs and emotional wellbeing come before EVERYTHING.
6. Dont move out.
7. Try and agree as much as possible before Lawyers get involved. the more you can agree together, the less painful / expensive it will be.
8. Dont move out.
Best of luck. Dont know where you are, but if your near Bolton anytime, give me a shout and I'll pop out for a beer with you.
lowey + 1
but with point 7. If you do this get it written down...
DaRC you can see this as me agreeing with you ! I usually agree with Junky on this topic too. @lowey's post is spot on.
Hang in there OP, you are not alone plenty of us have been through it and more will in the future
Apologies for the hijack, but whilst my situation is somewhat different (which affects how anything is going to happen) I'm just about reaching the acceptance point and realise that I'm going to have to properly separate from the mother of my kids in order to move on with my life. I see everybody is saying not to move out, but I'm seeing a conflict between the following points:
[quote=lowey ]4. Dont move out.
5. Make your children the number one priority in this. Their needs and emotional wellbeing come before EVERYTHING.
Because the best thing for my kids is to stay living in the house they're in at the moment and living with their mum (mainly). So what do you have to do before moving out if you want to get on with your life? Or is all the advice not to move out on the basis of not following point 5? If I'm going to do this, then I want to make it as easy for them as possible.
[quote=avdave2 ]More than two years on from things all falling apart and a year from her giving up on putting things right and we are still in the house together with the kids and get on well. The kids are happy with the situation and fully understand it and happy with the fact that she and more recently I are now in other relationships.
So how does that work exactly? I've already been in the spare bedroom for over 2 years - though our kids are a lot younger and TBH I'm not sure how obvious anything is to anybody else that we're not just a "normal" family.
It works I think because I've accepted it's over and because I've got finally to the point of realising what she has chosen to do reflects only on her and not on me. For over a year I thought and felt the whole failure of the marriage was down to me but now I realise it was 50-50 and I'm 100% happy with all of my own conduct since things first came to a head. In short it works because I have my self respect back.
I will move out but only when I have a consent order which will give me 50% of the house once the youngest reach 19 if in full time education still. It's possible that my wife and new partner will buy me out before then but I'll not hold my breath on that. There is no mortgage to speak of so it seems a little off that she gets to live mortgage and rent free possibly with her new partner while I pay out for rent or try to buy somewhere but the whole system is so stacked against me I guess I just have to accept it.
I know that people keep saying 'don't move out' and this could be for some very strong legal reasons for all I know but having been in the situation, I found it unbearable staying in the house and it wasn't good for the kids to see such broken parents.
I don't think that there is an option for a forced sale so you're going to have to deal with the practicalities of the finances. Your Wife can't be forced to move out so you're either going to have to live an unhappy life under the same roof and your kids will suffer or you get out, get healing, get drunk, get riding your bike, get 'entertaining ladies' a lot and get the rebuilding process started sooner rather than later.
If you don't think that there is a genuine chance that the relationship can be saved, get sorting things soon. Who knows, moving out might help heal the relationship...but don't bank on that either as that is less likely than it is likely..
You might be liable for Child Maintenance and Spousal Maintenance as your wife could claim that her ability to earn has been hampered by taking the child care duties.
There is no getting away from the fact that you are going to have to pay. It might seem initially that you're outgoings increase significantly because of this, but a lot of this will be offset by the additional 'hidden' money that you contribute currently. You'll be free of the "I need £50 for (x) and £30 for (y)". The financial arrangement/court order will be a set amount and after that YOUR MONEY WILL BE YOUR MONEY.
Some have already said it, but get busy, stay level headed (I didn't and look back on that period slightly embarrassed), talk to friend and work - you will be amazed how much you'll be positively shocked and surprised by the support out there (and on here).
I would never have chosen to go through the same and certainly wouldn't have designed my life not living 100% with my kids, but I can genuinely say that I now am happier than I've ever been. I get time with my wife and we get every other weekend as quality time together, I see my kids every other weekend and that time together is all quality time and none of the 'get you're shoes on and get in the car, we're late for school' nonsense. I see my kids as much as I do my step-son (and he lives in the same house but is a typical teenager locked away in his room).
Priorities:
1. Kids - even if that means you have to improve their Mum's life to improve their lives. Supporting their Mum as a side effect of supporting them will get you thanks one day and you'll look back on this time with a certain amount of pride.
2. You.
As above. Im not sure people mean don't move out long term. What I've read suggests don't move out yet while there is stuff to sort out
csa is being disbanded so the emphasis is now on resolution between the parents to sort of payments for maintenance, mortgage etc .
Its a horrible time, seen mates in a similar situation, becareful who you talk to, be civil, dont move out,and be aware that having the kids 3 days a week may seem like free childminding to the ex, get legal advice regards mortgage ,loans, and your wages.
Ive not been through this myself but my instinct would be: hide your money, look for hers, and tell her that if she is not happy she can f*** off and live somewhere else
welcome to a whole new world of hot chicks, drinking beer and riding your bike (almost) as much as you like!
Well said that man!
As above. Im not sure people mean don't move out long term. What I've read suggests don't move out yet while there is stuff to sort out
It's like you don't move out officially even if you only stay a few nights a week, until such time as everything is legally in writing.
my uncle is currently going through a real messy separation. going by what has happened to him 'do not move out of the house'!! your misses will get full ownership of if your the one that walks out. that is what has happened to him. she has also claimed a lot of his belongs. the solicitor has give his missus the full rights and sympathy vote over everything even though it was her that was sleeping around. hide your finances and don't disclose anything. you will be surprised at how nasty and twisted separations can get.
I'm not going to offer specific advice OP as I can only imagine what you're going through.
In the meantime help yourself to a big virtual man hug. 🙂
[i]Ive not been through this myself [/i]
That much is obvious.
Don't Move Out. This advice is given by me and others in relation to any financial settlement , if you move out you are demonstrating to the court / her lawyer that you can pay for the family home, maintenance for wife and kids and still have enough money to get by yourself. Also in addition there is an element of that just being too cushy for the wife, drops and bombshell on you and she gets to stay put in what I imagine are fairly comfortable circumstances and have everything paid for.
Its clearly not a long term plan although I too am aware of circumstances where people live in same house sometimes after divorcing but mkre frequently without.
Now it may well be the final settlement involves the ex-wife living in the family home with the kids but imo that should be the result of both parties agreeing to it rather than the husband getting outmanouvered by the wife or her lawyer.
Good luck to all.
Lots of great advice already ^^^^^. I'd simply say that it can be very important to have equal joint custody so if you can provide care for 7 in 14 nights then do so. If you have just a fraction less then you are the non-resident parent and have less say in the eyes of the law. A lot less say.
Also with two children seek to receive the child benefit for one of them. This used to be an important factor for the CSA, not sure if it still is going forward but I suspect it would be a good idea regardless.
Good luck. It's sh#t but it does get better and life can still be good for everyone.
Been through something similar. Just really want to say I feel what you are going through, horrible times, however, in time, it does get better. As others have said, make your kids the priority here. Never bad mouth the Mother in front of them and just realise every second you get with them is precious.
Kids are very very resilient, they will know, or get to know, loads of other kids whose parents have split up and its getting to the stage where "its the norm". They will (as mine did) just see it as two homes, 2 places to stay (cant wait to go to daddys tomorrow etc)...
One of the best things I did was involve them in the process of moving out (when it inevitably happens), mine came with me to look for flats/houses, picked odd bits for the flat I moved into and speaking to them about it now they say it helped them get used to the idea that Daddy had a different home where they could go to.
I think the best thing overall though, and I was lucky I think, hearing other peoples stories, is that I could see the kids whenever I (or they) wanted. I never had a formal agreement and I would urge you to stay pleasant as possible with Mother in order that if you want to see the children on a night that is 'not yours' then its not a problem. there were some days in the early stages of the separation where I just wanted to see the kids and I dont know how I would have felt if I had been denied access that night.
Also, talk to friends/family, it does help getting it all out there. I actually found venting on a forum was good for me but I see you have already taken that step 🙂
More than happy to chat via email about experiences if you wish ...
So much good advice on this thread - nothing else to offer but look after yourself and your children.
No advice whatsoever on your troubles but if you want to head out for a ride at any point to try and take your mind of stuff just give me a shout.
No idea where you are but I live in the midlands but travel around in the south west a fair bit and would love the company of someone for a ride away from home.
What little I know of women, once their mind is made up it's difficult to change. Sorry.
The best advice I can give is; Lawyer up ASAFP.
Go to Mediation. This is not to stop the split it is to come to an agreement about the nature of the split. One in which you two get to decide what happens rather than your lawyers.
Very sorry for you brokenman. I can attest too that you won't lose your kids. My sister split from her husband when her kids were a little older than yours. They had two homes while they were growing up and were loved in both, and absolutely know their mum and dad. Much happier living in separate homes than unhappily in one together.
Sending positive vibes your way.
Thank you everybody, I can't reply to everyone but each and every post has ment a great deal (hot chicks here I come Lol) thank you it's really help give me some perpesctive.
As for an update, whilst I'm still pretty low we are being civil at home, I'm in the spare bedroom and we have mostly not seen each other.
- I have decided to take stock and deal with the practical issue ..again thank you for the advice
- I'm also going to focus on my health as I know it will be tough and don't want to sink into alcohol/depression
- And I'm also going to focus on my wife (as hurtful as that will be.. I expect rejection) as I want to know that I gave it my best shot until the end.
Tbc...
Cautious advice - don't try and fix "her" watched a mate try everything to keep his missus and the fact was she just didn't like him anymore. Most of my acquaintances who have had a relationship end have been in a similair position as you (missus tells them they have to go) a friend of my wife recently got shot of her husband and loudly proclaimed the bastard had had 27 years of her like - which included 2 great kids a nice house/holidays and a cracking business and to my knowledge he never did anything wrong, the truth is he had served his purpose and not being chauvinistic I have seen a lot of this in my 45 to 55 year old peer group. Gentlemen we are not a great proposition at a certain point.
On my part I still love my wife but it has been hard this past few years after we lost our daughter and she had always struggled to be happy, I always try to be upbeat and support her but it has been tough.This may be having a bigger bearing than you think. Email me, address in profile.
We have had a chat and this was the start of the end, my wife suffered from depression after this and whilst I tried my best to help, my approach was clinical I tried to get our life in order, we moved house to a fixer upper and I spent all my time on that, I wanted to create an environment she would be happy in and remove all the stress from our life's, in doing so she felt I was not emotionally available for her when she needed it. The truth was I was in pieces and was struggling to cope and I buried my self in work. She wanted us to go to counselling but I did not want to (yes I know) as i felt like I'd have breakdown and I needed to be the strong one at this point.
Life's a journey as Aerosmith once said and you learn along the way. My experience is that dealing with a partner with depression is extremely hard for both so whilst with hindsight you might wish you'd done things differently, you had reasons at the time for not doing so and there's no way of knowing that had you acted differently things would have been better (for you or her).
I'd always recommend counselling to see if the marriage can be saved then, if not, mediation to try and get some ground rules agreed around access/assets/income before communications become toxic. I thought we could be adult/amicable, friends said otherwise. They were right and I was very wrong. I don't regret thinking it or trying as you have to do what you think might be best but with hindsight it probably wasn't. Depression makes everything harder and unpredictable, notwithstanding the men are from Mars issues (well worth reading if you haven't!).
Hi everyone
time for an update, well first things first it turns out my wife was/is having an affair. so in someways it draws a line under the breakdown of our relationship.
im still upset and having a few low moments but im getting better and coming o terms with the situation
i really do appropriate all your comments and advice, thank you hugs to all
im now in the process of doing the legal stuff and may need a few pointers but ill start another thread for that.
Your all superstars, love you all xxxx
Sorry to hear that fella, but not a massive shock after what you'd written... as you've established, best out of it then....
Sheesh... humans... you just can't trust them !
Hi, sorry you are in this situation
all I can say is look up divorcebusting - best advice you can get to survive and get through this
both you and your wife must have some issues that will need resolved, best of luck
Awful news to read brokenman, really feel for you. I was cheated on too, thankfully I don't know how they can do it to another person
All the best Brokenman.
Try to live in the present and let go of the past.
Not easy i know,the more you let go,the more you can enjoy the present.
LEAF PEOPLE
Some people come into your life and they are like leaves on a tree. They are only there for a season. You can't depend on them or count on them because they are weak and only there to give you shade. Like leaves, they are there to take what they need and as soon as it gets cold or a wind blows in your life they are gone. You can't be angry at them, it's just who they are.BRANCH PEOPLE
There are some people who come into your life and they are like branches on a tree. They are stronger than leaves, but you have to be careful with them. They will stick around through most seasons, but if you go through a storm or two in your life it's possible that you could lose them. Most times they break away when it's tough. Although they are stronger than leaves, you have to test them out before you run out there and put all your weight on them. In most cases they can't handle too much weight. But again, you can't be mad with them, it's just who they are.ROOT PEOPLE
If you can find some people in your life who are like the roots of a tree then you have found something special. Like the roots of a tree, they are hard to find because they are not trying to be seen. Their only job is to hold you up and help you live a strong and healthy life. If you thrive, they are happy. They stay low key and don't let the world know that they are there. And if you go through an awful storm they will hold you up. Their job is to hold you up, come what may, and to nourish you, feed you and water you.
Sorry to hear about your troubles, I have had similar in the past which led to divorce 8 years ago. All I can say is life has a few false summits and in time you should make sure you identify what is important to you as an individual, focus on that and move on. FWIW a humorous thread on STW got me back in the dating game 3 years ago and things are going better than ever. You will get there.
Sorry to hear it mate, but in many ways this news will probably help you come to terms with he fact that she aint coming back and nor should you want her. Focus all your efforts now on the kids, bite your tongue and keep things civil. I assume she will want a divorce so speak to her about the terms. Is she prepared to be named as an adulterer? If not then a two year separation may have to be the way forward.
Also, dont let your feelings of betrayal cloud your judgement. Keep a cool head and just remember you have the moral high ground. Be civil. You can be a total bastard as much as you want after the divorce. Make sure you compliment the divorce with a Financial Consent Order. This has to be drawn up by a solicitor, but well worth the money. Without it she can come after you at any time after the divorce, for excample a lottery win etc.
Keep on Keeping on mate.
Oh.. and dont move out.
Thanks for the update. Sounds like after the initial shock you are starting to move forward. There will be good and bad times ahead I'm sure, but good to hear you sounding more positive. People are here when you need advice, encouragement or a virtual hug.
Oh.. and dont move out.
Yes...indeed! I didn't want to suggest that such clinical thinking from her out of the blue, was a sure sign of an affair. Ive done that before and it didn't go down well, despite turning out to be the correct! 😕
Anyway, as per my initial post, keep taking one day at a time and good luck with it.
Shitty news.
You will go through lots of feelings of betrayal, possibly inferiority, resentment, thoughts of violence, anger...you name it, you'll have some wild ups and downs but time will heal everything.
Having had the same thing happen, I know that it will be really difficult to get through the other man bit at first (as men we're wired for it to be incredibly painful), but you can't compare like for like. Don't compare him to you as the starting point is so different.
If she does start mud slinging and telling you that you're a bad person blah blah blah, just ignore it. Psychologists have identified this sort of behaviour as a way that people try to ease their own guilt, they need to create a false world and memory in which you're portrayed as the root of all evils just to ease their guilt.
Life for her won't be perfect or her, the other man is not a better man than you. It's all just a situation that will get better. On the bright side, their relationship is starting at a time when she seems pretty f*ck3d up - good luck with that!
Don't treat this as a competition. There is nothing to lose or win, just a time that will pass and a bright future will emerge. Try and keep a level head and be the bigger man.
All the above advice comes from my experience of me initially not doing any of that and making life difficult for everyone - just lengthened the sorting out process. Getting things sorted and publicly 'agreeable' will be the best thing possible for you and your kids.
Do be prepared for her to come at you legally hard though (despite what she might say) so get your own legal advice.
Moving forwards, don't be afraid to trust again. Your current circumstance isn't an indication of how the future will be for you. When you're in the right place you'll possibly meet someone who will adore you and only see the good in you - be ready to be open and to trust as it will give you the best platform possible for the brilliant things that will happen to you.
If you want to bounce stuff about offline then my email is in my profile.
Good luck.
I'm a few months ahead of you, technically a year, which you can find on here.
My experience/advice, it gets better. Ride your bike, that has been the best therapy.
Accept all the offers of help/nights out/meals in that come your way.
Accept your mates offer of a weekend in Barcelona, but don't fall off the electric scooter and dislocate your collar bone. Which means I'm off the bike for months 🙁
My ex gets Married next week (in Majorca), 6 months after announcing his existence to the kids.
As Squin has pointed out, the mudslinging serves no purpose other than to justify what they've done. Let them get on with it. Mine has created a whole new history for our time together and has cut out of her life anyone that can contradict it. Family, friends are all gone.
As for me, I'm the happiest I've been for years. I didn't realise how miserable she made me 🙂
Cheers everyone, its funny reading some of your posts back as this situation unfolds i think many of you should take up a career as mystic meg
Im doing ok, had a few low days but to be expected i guess
She has been mudslinging the past few day telling me what a shitty husband ive been and how i emotionally abandoned her and shes found someone she can talk to and understands her. it obviously really hurts but i know i tried my best as a husband and a dad, yes i may have dropped the ball on occasion and could have raised the romance bar but 2 young kids and a busy job has not helped.
Anyhow we are where we are, shes found an apartment now and moves out on Thursday so that should make things a bit easier.
Having had the same thing happen, I know that it will be really difficult to get through the other man bit at first (as men we're wired for it to be incredibly painful), but you can't compare like for like. Don't compare him to you as the starting point is so different.
yes that is proving tough to wrap me head around, but i did find him on Strava and i am much faster 🙂
Do be prepared for her to come at you legally hard though (despite what she might say) so get your own legal advice.
We have had a few heated discussions and ive been a little worried about what she may do with access to the children ect but at this point in time we have informally agreed everything... financial, assets, childcare and maintenance (which is insane £328 pm)
she has a meeting with her solicitor today (who sounds like a right bitch) so we shall see what happens next.
They are your children, not her children always remember that, you have as much right as she does. For the rest of it, that's lovely, chin up, smile and move on with your life with dignity.
maintenance (which is insane £328 pm)
It may seem a lot but remember it is for the kids and works out at just at approx £11 per day.
Congratulations on how you have handled things so far. It may feel very painful but from my perspective you are doing well.
One thing a painful breakup taught me is that life's experiences should ultimately be assimilated temporally - By this I mean try to take stock of the fact we have a past present and future - Now when I look back at the time I'd felt I'd lost the love of my life and was going through tremendous pain I see a different storyline - In actuality I now see that time frame as a wonderful period of my life - It drove me to get out of my comfort zone , travel more , have more adventures meet more people - especially more women ! I also put more energy into those that cared the most about me - my family .. So now looking to the past it was the best of times .. Your not a broken man - just rather bruised - for now ..
She has been mudslinging the past few day telling me what a shitty husband ive been and how i emotionally abandoned her and shes found someone she can talk to and understands her.
Obviously we're only seeing one side of the story so I can't be sure, but bear in mind that an element of that (whether 1% or 99%) may well be guilt as she's trying to justify cheating on you and leaving, she's the one that's strayed yet it's clearly all your fault. It's victim-blaming, really.
childcare and maintenance (which is insane £328 pm)
This system really is ****ed up. We're moving (painfully slowly but getting there) towards equality in the workplace for both sexes, and yet the bloke is still legally expected to be the "breadwinner" in divorce cases. Even when there's a new bloke on the scene.
did find him on Strava and i am much faster
Heh
But seriously, let that one go - no good will come of that kind of behaviour.
#dontbeastalker
