[Closed] Silly joke thread

I had a curry last night. I had Chicken Tarka. It's like chicken tikka, only a little 'otter

The kid next door was running round the garden waving a pretend wand and shouting out spells.
"I bet you'd love to be like Harry Potter, wouldn't you?" I asked him.
"Yeah!" he shouted excitedly.
So I killed his parents and locked him under the stairs.

An elephant, an ostrich and a crocodile stop a bloke in the street.
The crocodile pulls out a police badge and says, "We have reason to believe you are carrying substances of an hallucinogenic nature, Sir."

statistically 6 out 0f 7 dawarfs aren`t happy

Bloke takes his seat for the cup final right behind the goal. Stadium is rocking, and he notices that the seat next to him is empty. He leans across and says to his neighbour - who would buy a ticket for a game like this and not turn up?
The guy says actually that's my wife's ticket, and they've been coming to the game for years, but sadly she recently passed away. Bloke offers his condolences, then says - But surely you had some friends or family who would have taken the ticket off you? Guy answers - They're all at the funeral.

There's 10 types of people in the world - those that understand binary and those that don't.

mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. “A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.”

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Balls to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was sat there with their new-born baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy's heading for a breakdown.’

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'

After digging to a depth of 1000 metres last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network a thousand years ago.

Not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug 2000 metres and headlines in the U.K. papers read: "English scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that our ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital network a thousand years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, the Irish newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5000 metres, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, our ancestors were already using wireless technology."

Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the nobel prize?

They say he was outstanding in his field.

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It went down the road and turned in to a field.

I heard on the radio this morning that a popular ska band have changed their name to "Mental Disorder."

It's Madness gone politically correct!

What's the first sign of madness?

Suggs walking up the garden path

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.

As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye.

"Just Released: New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now!"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm sorry sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head.

"I don't understand it," he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I'm terribly sorry, sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."

Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth.

Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."

"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant. "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."

A boy sat in his bedroom and said aloud: "My house has over seven hundred rooms."

As he walked down the stairs he continued: "It's fourteen storeys high, you know."

He walked into the kitchen and added: "Every room is fitted with the latest in digital entertainment technology."

Finally he wandered into the sitting room, saying: "And at current housing prices, it's worth well over ten million pounds."

His father looked up. "I do wish you wouldn't spend all day just lying about the house."

What goes "oooo"?

A cow with no lips.

knock knock...

who's there...

I dunnup....

I dunnup who?

Police were called to reports of a man shouting no,no,no on brighton pier last night.

turns out he was a yes man on holiday

Why don't you see many elephants hiding in tree?

Because they're really good at it.

a banker, a daily mail reader and a man on benefits are sitting together at a table with 12 biscuits on it.

The banker takes 11 of the biscuits, points at the man on benefits and says to the Daily Mail reader "Watch out, he's after your biscuit"

Little Billy was sitting on a park bench munching on one chocolate bar after another.

After the sixth one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that chocolate isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Billy replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

"Oh?" replied the man. "Did your grandfather eat six chocolate bars at a time?"

"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own sodding business!"

Two snowmen in a field.

One says to the other, "can you smell carrots?"

One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down. 'Can't you ring your bell?' She said. 'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike'

Two cats agreed to have a swimming race, to cross the Channel. These cats were an English cat, called OneTwoThree, and a French cat who (being a copycat) was called UnDeuxTrois.

The race took place last weekend, and I am delighted to report that the English cat was the winner.

OneTwoThree cat was the only cat to finish, because UnDeuxTrois cat sank.

There's a bloke who keeps ringing me and singing Stand And Deliver down the line. I keep telling him he's got the wrong number, but he's adamant.

Cougar - Member

What goes "oooo"?

A cow with no lips.

😀 hahahahaha I'm still laughing at this one I like silly ones.

Q. What do you call a man with 50 rabbits up his bum

A. Warren

Shamelessly cut n' paste from an email I receive yesterday;

[u]Tommy Cooper jokes - You've got to laugh![/u]

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married The
ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing
out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.' 'That sounds
like Tom Jones syndrome. ' 'Is it common? ' 'It's not unusual.'

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him? ' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at
him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's
cross-eyed? ' 'No, because he's really heavy'

'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.' 'Well you can't say fairer
than that then'

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.' I said 'Why?' He said 'My
dog's died.''
'So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming
baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'' ---------------

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my
house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I
think it's Colin.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up,and he
said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second
time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up
a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I
careered off the road.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a
lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste
funny to you?'

A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said ' I haven't seen you in a
long time ' The man replied 'I know I've been ill' -

A man walked into the doctors, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several
places' The doctor said 'well don't go to those places'

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the
next 2 years.

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them
would have seen it.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off'.

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel .

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
as digging continues into the night.

Shakespeare walks into a pub...

The landlord says, "Get out, you! You're bard!"

Tommy Cooper jokes - You've got to laugh!

Tim Vine jokes, actually.

I'm surprised this thread hasn't been flooded with jokes about Japan.

I see what you did there.

Cougar - Member

Tommy Cooper jokes - You've got to laugh!

Tim Vine jokes, actually.

Note to self; Ensure accuracy of information before shamelessly copy and pasting in future.

My mate Larry isn't that bright and he doesn't get much luck with the ladies so some of his mates bought his an inflatable woman. The next morning they asked how she was. He said "well it was ok, but I gave her a love bite and she farted and flew out of the window".

What do you call a homicidle maniac with a banana stuck in each ear? Anything you like cos he can't hear you.

What do you call a bloke with a seagull on hus head? Cliff.

What paper to plumbers read?

The Bog Standard

Did you hear about the gay magician?
He went out with a POOF!

There are two fish in a tank.

One says to the other,
"I'll drive, you man the guns."

Where's the poor taste joke gone?

I don't get it.

Tip Of The Day.

Despite what the advert says, do not try to p-p-p-pick up a penguin. They're surprisingly heavy and may bite you.

I think you'll find a lot of them are tommy coopers.before tim vine was out of school.

Women walks into a bar and says to the guy behind the bar:

"I fancy a double-entendre"

he replies:

"I'll give you one..."

Did you hear about the gay ghosts?
They put the willies up each other.

I think you'll find a lot of them are tommy coopers.before tim vine was out of school.

[citation needed]

They aren't, as far as I'm aware, they just sound like it. That said, it's particuarly difficult to google because of the amount of times people have attributed them incorrectly.

I only say that because the careered off the road, tom jones syndrome, heavy dog give me a lift, and skip outside ones were told to me by my dad in about 1980 doing a tommy cooper impersonation, I've been telling them ever since. A while before yer man Tim Vine was doing his thing..

These are getting older, I hear a barrel being scraped.

If I had an Oedipus complex and a time machine, I could be a self made man.

I got sacked from my job on a building site yesterday.
The foreman said "I'm fed up with listening to that wheelbarrow you're pushing going squeak...squeak...squeak...squeak...squeak...squeak..."
I said "It's not my fault the wheelbarrow goes squeak...squeak...squeak...squeak...squeak...squeak..."
He said "Yes it is, it should be going squeaksqueaksqueaksqueaksqueaksqueak"

"How High is a Chinaman."

"I don't know, how high is a chinaman?"

"No - How High is a Chinaman..."

You want chip widdat?

redted - Member
Did you hear about the gay ghosts?
They put the willies up each other.

RAOTFLMAO

Why don't fairies ever get pregnant?

Cos they only go to goblin parties.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks... They charged one and let the other one off.

I asked my missus for a w**k the other night. Well she starts rubbing my willy with a key ring & I think, 'I'm just being fobbed off here'.

Bloke gets on a bus with his six wives. An old woman sat there fuming at this sight until she could no longer restrain herself.She turned to him and said "Its disgusting....you aught to be bloody well hung!" He turns to her and says "I am missis, I am."

Sorry....my dad told me that when I were a nipper and I'm sixty bleedin four now!

I used to enjoy selling pancakes, but recently, i couldn't give a crepe

I used to enjoy making pancakes, but recently, I couldn't give a toss.