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the wifes in a&e with a suspected broken toe and says she's bored, i know i can count on you lot!
2 elephants fell off a cliff
Boom boom
I saw a guy stacking shelves at Tescos complaining because the top shelf was broken, and he couldn't keep it up.
I think he had A wrecked aisle dysfunction
what's green and eats nuts ?
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syphilis
Two Monkeys getting in the bath.
One says 'Ooo, ooo, ooo, ahh, ahh, ahh'
the other one says 'Well put some more cold in then'
Two snowmen in the park, one says to the other, "can you smell carrots?"
a skeleton walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager and a mop
What's green & smells of pork?
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Kermit's finger!
why do women have periods
because it hurts and they deserve it
probably won't cheer the mrs up though
camping's really dangerous.. every time the police find a dead body its in a tent....
My sister was in Hospital the other week with really bad hayfever and diabetes. She wasn't to impressed when I turned up with flowers and chocolates.
guy walks into a garage and says 'can I have a petrol cap for my Skoda' garage attendant says 'sounds like a fair swap.'
Gordon Browns term as Prime Minister
I drove through McDonalds yesterday - I knew I shouldn't have gone in the Toyota....
I used to be a tour guide in Norway - I was a Fjord Escort.
I've gone completely deaf - never thought I'd hear myself say that.
You are so thick you had to swot for your blood test
I gave up my job in the helium factory. I wasn't going to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
two fish in a tank,
one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
did you hear about the magic tractor?
it went down a road and turned into a field!!!
Hope your missus gets better soon!
x
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A Zebra
What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall?
Dam.
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cos I still have mine.'
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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife £775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few pounds myself.'
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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to A&E, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you..'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
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A blonde calls the Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from Ringway to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
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Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion..'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse..
'Oops!'
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While shopping for holiday clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
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Whats pink and wrinkly and hangs out your pajamas?
Your granny.
An old lady goes to the doctors, complaing that she can't stop trumping constantly, but they are always silent and never smell "In fact," she says "I've done seven since I came into your office just now..."
The doc gives her some pills and tells her to come back in a week
The old lady returns "Doctor, there's no change apart from the fact that they now smell REALLY bad!"
Doctor says "Great, that's sorted your sense of smell, now lets work on your hearing!"
Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel prize?
They say he was outstanding in his field.
What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
A happy lion. 🙂
Whats yellow and smells of bananas?
Monkey sick !
What's got 99 balls and makes fat women sweat?
Bingo.
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
what's the difference between an egg and a w@nk?
you can beat an egg....
My grandfather died in a german concentration camp.
He fell off a guard tower and broke his neck
two blondes walk into a building , you`d think one of them would have
seen it
Did you hear the one about the stamp collecting irish dancer?
He was called Michael Philately.....
Jonny goes into the kitchen and tells his mum that granny has got a prawn . Mother says " What on earth do you mean Jonny ?" .
He leads her into the living room where granny is snoring stark naked sat on the sofa . He points between her legs and repeats "Granny got a prawn".
Mum tells him it ain't a prawn and that in fact it is her clitoris .
To which Jonny replies ....
"Well it tastes like a prawn " .
druidh, that was neither short nor funny!
Two goldfish in a tank.
One says, "Any idea how you drive this thing?"
Two parrots on a perch.
One say, "Can you smell fish?"
Why do mice have such small balls
Because so few can dance
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Why don't witches wear knickers?
So they stick to the broom better
creasing up in attempted silence in the office.
its not working.
Whats brown and rhymes with snoop?
....
Dr Dre. (joke of the week for me, sorry)
Wayne Bridge gave his ex-girlfriend a replica of his knob made from Cadburys chocolate.
She said "Thanks, but I prefer Terry's"
What's grey and can't swim?
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A filing cabinet.