MegaSack DRAW - This year's winner is user - rgwb
We will be in touch
Morning all. Been on here since way back when, but decided on a change of username.
Bit of background to this one. I'm 40, divorced with two kids.
A year ago, I started dating a 42 year old lady. She'd never married or had kids. She only had one long term adult relationship prior to me and was due to get married and called it off. She was single for six years prior to me. I'll also add that she was very attractive!
Because of my divorce, I'd always been wary of introducing kids to new partners and in this case I waited until three months in to the relationship. As it turns out, they all got on great and the girls ended up doting on her. She slotted in to a step mum type role really easily (in hindsight maybe too easily).
I have my own house (an old cottage I'm mid way through renovating) and she had her own house, possibly worth noting though, her mortgage was mahoosive! We both work in the same area and her house was closest to work, so we fell in to an arrangement where I'd stay at hers most of the week (we'd have one or two nights apart) and we'd alternate weekends at either hers or mine. This arrangement seemed to suit us well. Anyway, everything was working well, and other than the odd petty squabble everything was good. I thought she was a keeper.
In the last few weeks of the relationship, me, her and the kids had a holiday together and everything I thought was hunky dory. Fast forward to the last day of our relationship two weeks ago (which was actually our one year anniversary!). I receive a text from her whilst I'm at work, which basically said "you haven't met the deadline I set for you to fully commit, move in and plan for our child therefore it's over". I'll note, that we'd discussed the possibility of kids in the future and I was open to that.
When I recied the text, I was actually booking a table to celebrate our anniversary!
Since then, her communication has been totally erratic. She refuses to meet in person or speak on the phone, it's all texts.
Apparently if I'd begged we could have got back together.
I've had screenshots of four year old Facebook pics sent to me in the company of other women, telling me to delete them as they are "disrespectful to her". They aren't even on my page!
I've even been accused of doing a Phil Mitchell and secretly drinking when I was walking the dog, because I often chewed gum (I gave up smoking and use nicotine gum). It's all very bizarre.
When I read all that, it seems pretty apparent that I possibly dodged a bullet. But...I'm struggling to put closure on things and move on, as I can't understand how someone could so easily come in to a family unit, them drop out of it so quickly, hurting us all. I thought I knew her inside out, but apparently I got it all wrong. My girls are really upset, miss her, and constantly talk about her.
Apologies for the rant, I needed to get that off my chest! I can't rationalise any of it!
STW do your best and cheer me up!
A 40 year old woman.
Sane Single Attractive. You can choose any 2 of the 3.
She wasn't called Louise was she?
Lucky escape methinks.
In her 40s, very attractive, no kids and now single.
Come on where's the pictures?
I think you dodged so many bullets that you are actually Neo from the Matrix!
Seriously though - sounds like a horrible situation to deal with, particularly for your kids. Best of luck for future, saner, relationships.
Send her round, I'll taint her for you. You'll never look at her in the same way again
Definitely dodged a bullet I reckon. On the plus side you might now have your very own stalker! In all seriousness I'd just cut all contact and have a chat with your daughters. Sorry it didn't work out, but it sounds like it would have been a world of pain further down the line
She was looking for a sponsor and to have kids. The clock was ticking. You missed the subtle hints for a permanent relationship, you didn't propose during that dream holiday, she went home still a single woman. Her girlfriends told her you weren't serious and she's started looking for another wallet.
I feel sorry for your kids, you need to spend time with them now and assure them that they are your first priority, you are still a family and that one didn't work out unfortunately, but you'll keep trying.
Get a road bike and ride some sportives; there are loads of fit single women who do things like that in the hope of meeting a man who isn't a beer-swilling soccer-obsessed lardarse.
My wife was late 30's sane attractive never married and with no kids when I first met her. We married when she was 44. So it is possible !
OP yes you dodged a bullet, "the deadline has passed" via sms. If there was an issue (and she is entitied to ask for more commitment) she should have discussed that face to face.
My 2p would be to stop trying to contact her, you have only been seeing each other a year.
My wife was late 30's sane attractive never married and with no kids when I first met her. We married when she was 44. So it is possible !
That's a very subjective statement. She appears sane and attractive to you. 😀
You subscribe to the Daily Telegraph.
She's obviously a bit nuts, but I can actually see it from her point of view. Her clock is ticking loudly, she needs to meet someone right now to have a child with, and you've been stringing her along for a year getting nowhere. Could have been handled better with more communication,perhaps there's fault in both sides. When were you thinking of marrying/having another child with her?
Edit: she's 40, kids "in the future" means next month or the one after, not a decade or two down the line.
Doubt it's anything to do with the "deadline".
Sounds like she just has issues with being in a relationship and is deliberately sabotaging it, in the same way she called off her marriage. The one year anniversary is significant for this.
Change your number, block her off fb (or delete your account), bin anything of hers from the house and move on.
There are enough nice honest people out there, you don't need this shit.
I went on a date with an attractive woman a few years ago, we were introduced by a mutual friend. Seemed nice at first, very quickly showed her true colours, absolutely batshit crazy.
I eventually told her to bolt, and she semi stalked me for about two years.
Seriously, she's done you a favour, run like **** and don't look back.
My wife doesn't read this. She was 39 when we married, she had been SCUBA diving for years but never met Mr Right. She married a diver then discovered he was a major-league God-botherer and they divorced 6 months later. In desperation she placed a personal ad in The Times mentioning sea, snow and mountains and I happened to buy the paper that day and happened to scan the personals because I had started thinking it was time I settled down. We had our son when she was 41 and thank God it all went well. He is now beating me in TTs.
Cheers folks. I'll add that I've already had the conversation with the kids and I've blocked all method of contact.
My wife doesn't read this. She was 39 when we married, she had been SCUBA diving for years but never met Mr Right. She married a diver then discovered he was a major-league God-botherer and they divorced 6 months later. In desperation she placed a personal ad in The Times mentioning sea, snow and mountains and I happened to buy the paper that day and happened to scan the personals because I had started thinking it was time I settled down. We had our son when she was 41 and thank God it all went well. He is now beating me in TTs.
Aaah,
A bit
dusty
in here...
I think the 2 out 3 statement is very true and probably applies to men too.
Your kids will be fine btw, tell you had a go and it didnt work out.
Better luck next time.
Globalati's 1st post +1
A 40 year old woman.Sane Single Attractive. You can choose any 2 of the 3.
This in absolute fricking spades!!!
I got married very young, so when my marriage failed aged 28, I was pretty naive when it came to the opposite sex. Met a 46 year old in the pub (I know.....she was stunning though!) we were seeing each other for a few months. Very long story short, I broke it off with her as it became quite obvious that as well as being a raging alcoholic she was also batshit! Fast forward a few months of stalking and 100+ texts a week from her, I got a harassment order served against her and a few months later she was sectioned!
I think that is to the extreme Tom B rather than the norm.
She married a diver then discovered he was a major-league God-botherer and they divorced 6 months later.
Was he hiding the fact he was religious? Or did he convert after the marriage?
GlobalTi, I reckon your first post nailed it. Cheers, at least I know I'm not going mad! I didn't realise the strength of a ticking clock. Funny thing is, we'd spoken about kids but given I already have two, I didn't see the massive rush after only one year together.
Strangely, unless there is someone else straight off the bat, I suppose she's just scuppered her chances of what she so badly wanted (She's 42).
Cheers for all the replies.
I didn't realise the strength of a ticking clock. Funny thing is, we'd spoken about kids but given I already have two, I didn't see the massive rush after only one year together.
Really, really? Your empathy skills really are non existent. Of course you didn't see the rush from your side. And you completely failed to see it from her pov.
Strangely, unless there is someone else straight off the bat, I suppose she's just scuppered her chances of what she so badly wanted (She's 42).
Possible, true. However in response to your original question, yes she probably has just dodged a bullet.
yes she probably has just dodged a bullet.
A bit harsh mate!
Having children with anyone isn't something to be rushed into. Personally, I doubt that in 12 months you woulld know someone well enough to take that massive decision.
If all she wanted was children, she just needs a turkey baster.
Thegeneralist, that's maybe a bit strong.
Perhaps I didn't make myself clear. Yes, we had spoken about children on a few occasions throughout the relationship, without any great sense of urgency on either side. In fact she stated that having my kids in the mix, was the "the next best thing". I was always open to the possibility of more, but I thought within the first year, that would be too soon.
Hence my surprise at that being given as the reason for ending it.
Maybe my meaning was lost in text, but I've never been accused of a lack of empathy before. Cheers though.
gobuchul - Member
If all she wanted was children, she just needs a turkey baster.
How's cooking going to help?
i think its sexist pish drolled out on every dating/relationship question probably from folk not actually dating in "later life".I think the 2 out 3 statement is very true and probably applies to men too
Post divorce i have seen folk who had married, had kids, never had kids, never married etc
Though many of the criteria are subjective the pick two bit is BS
As for the OP i think the lady in question is at an age where if she is going to have kids she needs to do it in the very near future and therefore she needs to act. it is possibly [ given the text] making her less rational than usual. It would have made more sense for her to have an adult grown up chat with you than send that text.
Dumped by text due to a "deadline" she's never mentioned before?
I'll have a shiny new-shaped £1 on her being pregnant with someone else's child.
A bit harsh mate!
that's maybe a bit strong
Yep, agreed, sorry. I was being a prick.
1 mistake in 1 year, and your kids love her etc are you sure you dont want to give it another go?
If you are open to the idea of a kid you should get her back asap!
i think its sexist pish drolled out on every dating/relationship question
It maybe.
However, it's mildly humorous in a casually sexist sort of way.
It's also very true in a large number of cases.
Most people want to be in a relationship.
A lot of men will put up with a lot of BS from their partner if they are very attractive, much more than a woman would. (I know you will argue that's not true but it really is.)
If there is a woman who is very attractive, is actively looking for a relationship and reaches the age of 40, without being able to establish one, then why not?
In her head it might be all the unreasonable men she has met, in their's it's probably "she's batshit mental".
I hope you've dodged a bullet if she'd accidentally forgotten her contraception.
If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.
If there was an issue (and she is entitied to ask for more commitment) she should have discussed that face to face.
These were my thoughts also.
Sounds like she is deliberately closing the whole thing down and the imaginary deadline is her best effort at making an excuse. I would say that you will struggle to get any more info out of her because she won't want to admit that she wasn't fully committed to the relationship. Lick your wounds, count you blessings and move on! 🙂
Incidentally,
I've had screenshots of four year old Facebook pics sent to me in the company of other women, telling me to delete them as they are "disrespectful to her". They aren't even on my page!
This rings huge alarm bells to me in the bullet-dodging stakes. It's either a massive insecurity complex, jealousy, or she's a control freak. None of these are good things.
From bitter experience I'd hazard that this sort of behaviour is the thin end of a very large wedge. Fast forward another twelve months, you'd not be allowed to see any friends, be accused of having an affair every time you breathe near another woman, been coerced into handing over all your email and phone passwords, get the third degree every time you're five minutes late home from work, have absolutely no free time to yourself - and will be living together and married with a new-born.
agreedit's mildly humorous in a casually sexist sort of way.
Not so sure.It's also very true in a large number of cases.
I think what is more likely true is that stable loving folk are likely to be taken already but i dont think it follows that everyone single or never married has some sort of "batshitmental" gene that means they are not married anymore than it means anyone marred has some sort of "definitely a keeper gene".My experience is i have never encountered this meme in the real world of middle aged post marriage dating.
BiL had the above, cost him two jobs as she arrived at his work screaming that he'd been sleeping with secretaries, work colleagues etc. Spanish Inquisition every time he was late home, blazing row if they went out for a meal and he looked at another woman.
Ended very messily with mortgage/house/pets and her family getting involved and believing her (even though he's since found out she had a track record of this).
Cougar, possibly. In the midst of all this, I'd forgotten that I'd caught her going through my phone before. She also had a massive complex about the fact I was FB friends with a girl I went out with 20 over years ago (who is happily married and lives in another country)! Again, that was apparently disrespectful to her.
Aw well, Onwards and upwards I suppose.
agreed
Please stop it. That's 5 in a week.
Not so sure.
That's better. Although you could have been more negative.
It sounds like you're better off out of it. Nothing normal about the behaviour she's been displaying.
Sounds like she has baby rabies. A most unattractive trait in a woman. Equalled only be being a leftie I feel.
Dodged a bullet for sure.
Better off finding out now than later. Bullet dodged.
Glad your feeling better about it all.
So, can I have her number?
Chap at work had his car paint sprayed with obscenities by an ex, or soon to be ex, half the office had a view of what was going on. Bullet dodged.
baby rabies
Being STW, I initially read that as baby robins.
Equalled only be being a leftie
Keep it for one of the many political threads?
That's a very subjective statement. She appears sane and attractive to you.
You subscribe to the Daily Telegraph.
@gobuchal 🙂 you could have been meaner and said anyone with me could not be sane ! No Telegragph subscription fyi
No Telegragph subscription fyi
Really?
How did you read the article you quoted on the Corbyn thread? About Corbyn not being a pacifist because he supported the IRA? 🙂
Child after just 12 months?!.....sod that.
You just don't know anyone well enough, particularly in this situation where there'd be half sisters involved too.
There must be some push over men on STW if this is normal, I've split up with two nutters after a few years each as they seemed to view me as a source of sperm and money because they had the extraordinarily special features of having girl parts instead of boy parts like mine.....50% of the world have vaginas, I'm sick of every other woman thinking it makes them a princess or special case because they have one.
You got out relatively unscathed, me being an antagonistic tit would have fun with her on Facebook, via text etc until she had a proper meltdown....but I'm not very nice so you should probably rule that out.
@deviant, seems to me there's many more men that are a push over and controlled by access to lady parts than not.
Boggles my mind that so many put up with being told what they are allowed to do and when. And then they have kids and that's it, life over, never allowed to do anything for themselves or spend any money on themselves ever again.
Count yourself lucky that it ended before you'd sold houses and bought one together. Walk, no run away and thank your lucky stars.
Mad as a box of frogs, women. Married to Mrs Z for 36 years and I still have very little idea of what goes on in her head.
Heard of golf-clubs, cars etc being done but randomly came across this earlier on eBay -
[url= http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Ralph-Lauren-Purple-Label-Aynders-Edward-Green-Shannon-/201855514687?hash=item2eff86b83f:g:BlYAAOSw2gxYyptl ]not seen this one before[/url]
(read the description. I'm not sure what I admire most - his optimism in thinking he can sell it, or his ex-girlfriends style...)
And anyway.... if she hadn't discussed the baby thing with you and she dumped you by text the relationship wasn't really going anywhere, was it? I mean, it doesn't sound as if you'd found your soulmate.
When my brother moved to the USA he fell straight into bed with a woman, half Lebanese, half native American, divorced from a woman-beater with two delinquent teenage sons, who is a first class raving nutjob. She and all her pals see therapists every week and live in medications. She absolutely controlled him, drove him nuts then when he exploded, made him see an anger management therapist, came three times to the UK with him and each time had a breakdown, cried all the way back to Detroit then left him and went to stay with her poisonous sister for a month, tried to make him have the snip, which I managed to convince him was a bad idea, and so on. When he married her, her Dad, a psychotherapist who set fire to his house when he put logs on the gas fire, told my Mum: "When we met your son we told our Cindy: 'You do anything it takes girl, just GET that man'"
My brother is in it, right up to the maker's label.
Have you checked your bunnie cage?
Stick a line on the lottery, it's your lucky day! She sounds like a bit of a pyscho and you got out alive. Don't look back.
and another captain of a ship avoids the ice berg, and sails onto cleaner/calmer waters to find a new island to land on and populate.
OP - give up trying to understand or work it out. I don't mean that in a ''all women are nuts" fashion (lots are, but so are lots of men), but in a you'll save yourself a lot of stress and brain ache by not trying to work out irrational behaviour which the person committing probably doesn't really understand either.
If it helps, I had a worryingly similar experience at the start of the year (she wasn't called lindsey was she
sofaboy73 - Member... (she wasn't called lindsey was she
Its Louise!!! 😡
A lot of men will put up with a lot of BS from their partner[s] if they are very attractive[/s],
FTFY
But if its unfathomable BS in the first year of what is supposed to be a serious relationship, and your kids have a stake, then yep, bullet dodged. You'll never know what's going on in her head, but "self-sabotage" is a factor in at least 2 40+ singleton ladies that I know of.
sofaboy73 - Member
... (she wasn't called lindsey was sheIts Louise!!!
For some reason only half of what I wrote posted - never fear her middle name was Louise so the STW rule of crazy is still intact!
Cheers for the replies folks. Reading this last night with copious amounts of red wine helped me bottom things out. This ship is ready to sail again. Fail we may, sail we must!
PS. She isn't Louise. Louise is my sister's name!
Glad to hear you've found some closure.
So, can I have your sister's number?
666.
never fear her middle name was Louise so the STW rule of crazy is still intact!
Mrs RBIT's middle name is Louise. Should I be worried?
OP well done!
Should have gone with my gut instincts 20 years ago and I'd have been in a much better place since. I do have two fantastic sons which I'm eternally grateful for.
Onwards and upwards!!
...find a new island to land on and populate
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Sounds a bit like narcissistic personality disorder to me. If you read about the attributes and it sounds it then you have to go 'no contact'
Google is full of info on this. My email is in my profile also, i spent all of last year reading about NPD as I dated one - an absolute mind f***, so I may be able to offer some words of advice.
Word of warning, do not accuse her of being a narcissist or else she will make your life a mysery.
Sounds a bit like narcissistic personality disorder to me
If we're doing armchair psych then I've got 10p on BPD*
*Not Boogie Down Productions
^ BPD is characterised by extreme mood swings which the OP doesn't refer to
Got to love the humorous sexisim on STW . . . I have gone from laughing to wondering which 2 out of the 3 I am
Single, yes, attractive, so I've been told, sane . . . Well I thought I was?!
Luckily we have Junkyard to bring a bit of sense to that debate.
But OP it does sound like you've had a very lucky escape - crazy partners are available in various genders, and you definitely sound like you're better off without that one
[quote=adjustablewench ]Single, yes, attractive, so I've been told, sane . . . Well I thought I was?!
Form an orderly queue chaps!
(I hope that isn't humourous sexism - at least not the latter - mods feel free to delete if it is)
weeksy - Member
Send her round, I'll taint her for you. You'll never look at her in the same way again
#iheartweeksy
😆
Form an orderly queue chaps!
Three queues surely?
One for the unattractive guys, one for the attached guys and a big long one for the rest of us.
I might need a few goes at choosing which line to join.
And one more for those who are just too old.
Cougar - Moderator
Incidentally,I've had screenshots of four year old Facebook pics sent to me in the company of other women, telling me to delete them as they are "disrespectful to her". They aren't even on my page!
This rings huge alarm bells to me in the bullet-dodging stakes. It's either a massive insecurity complex, jealousy, or she's a control freak. None of these are good things.From bitter experience I'd hazard that this sort of behaviour is the thin end of a very large wedge. Fast forward another twelve months, you'd not be allowed to see any friends, be accused of having an affair every time you breathe near another woman, been coerced into handing over all your email and phone passwords, get the third degree every time you're five minutes late home from work, have absolutely no free time to yourself - and will be living together and married with a new-born.
Jealous and a control freak is my take, a very unhealthy combination, and one that you're well away from.
A very close friend of mine phoned me out of the blue late one evening, with the words "I'm in trouble"
I turned cold, not expecting that; it seemed that the bloke she'd been seeing after her marriage broke up really wasn't a very nice person at all, he'd started checking her movements, convincing her, or trying to, that her friends really weren't her friends, they were sneaking behind her back, etc.
She was smart enough to see through him and get a locksmith in to change all the locks one day, as he had a key to her house.
His job was a psychologist...
We had a very long conversation and as soon as she started to tell me what had been going on I knew what this bloke was about, and I can see the same sort of manipulating personality here.
I've had no training, but I have a knack for being able to see this sort of personality, which is possibly why I've never found myself in a relationship with anyone like this.
It has meant very, very few relationships over the years, but my sanity is, at least, intact!
Three queues surely?One for the unattractive guys, one for the attached guys and a big long one for the rest of us.
What about the queue for the unattractive, unattached guys?
Or is that the 'rest of us' queue?
Just checking, like...
I've had no training, but I have a knack for being able to see this sort of personality, which is possibly why I've never found myself in a relationship with anyone like this.
I always thought the same thing. But with respect, I expect this is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Your 'knack for being able to see this' is because you've never been in that sort of relationship, and the reason you've never been in that sort of relationship is probably blind luck.
Manipulative people are manipulative by definition, you don't realise when you're in it, you don't acknowledge till you've left. I had 20/20 too, till it happened to me. Think again: your friend was a psychologist and didn't see it, what you brought to the table was impartial eyes. Looking out from within is incredibly challenging.
Jealousy, controlling, manipulation, blame shifting, mirroring, gas lighting - all the characteristics of a narcissist. A 'relationship' with one is nothing more than emotional abuse.
So many posts in this thread describe narcissists. Seriously people read up on narcissistic personality disorder because knowledge really is power.
CZ's does sound like NPD; a fried of mine went through similar, but didn't manage to escape for years. Horrific situation to be in.
The OP's fine lady doesn't sound to be trying to control the situation in anything like the same way. Splitting came to mind, though.