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A man walks into a pub
Ouch
It was an iron pub
A local radio station are running a phone competition to win either $200 or tickets to see an Elvis tribute act. I don't know whether to press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
The wife screamed "I'm sick of you wasting your time on all these inventions! None of them flipping work!"
It was at that point that the "slap-a-mouthy-trollop 3000" sprung into action
And the one and only physics joke:
Beware of quantum ducks
QUARK QUARK!!!
Only two things smell of fish.
what's blue and doesn't fit?
a dead epileptic
Surely not Sparkyspice! -
Why did the chicken cross the moebius strip? .... to get to the same side!
A neutron walks in to a bar "How much for a double 25 year old Bruichladdich"?
Barman - "to you sir, no charge"!
da dum.
With thanks to Dr Sheldon Cooper.
Blonde in car accident and the paramedic gets to her and checks her brething and pulse etc then checks for blurred vision holding two fingers in front of her says "How many fingers have I got up"
The blonde replies "Oh my God I'm paralysed"
I was accused of interfering with a kid in our street, got off with it because there are no cute kids in our street! (This is a joke by the way not a statement!)
Why did the broccolli keep swearing...........he had florets.
Polar bear walks into a bar. Goes up to the barman and says
'I'll have a pint of.....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
lemonade please'
Barman 'No probs, but why the big pause?'
Polar Bear 'Because I'm a bear!'
That's up there with,
Horse goes into a bar.
Barman asks, "so, why the long face?"
After digging to a depth of 1000 metres last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network a thousand years ago.
Not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug 2000 metres and headlines in the U.K. papers read: "English scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that our ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital network a thousand years earlier than the Scots."
One week later, the Irish newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5000 metres, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, our ancestors were already using wireless technology."
This is a true story:
Man goes and visits remote tribe and asks them how they get news of the outside world. "We use the Bush Radio" was the answer. He assumes this is some version of the Bush Telegraph that he knew about from Tarzan etc. He's slightly surprised later on when someone brings out a transistor radio and tunes it into the World Service.
A really scruffy, tangled piece of string walks into a bar...
The barman points to a sign which reads 'We don't serve pieces of string in here'
The string says 'ah, but that doesn't apply to me'
The barman says 'why, aren't you a piece of string?'
The string says 'No...I'm a frayed knot'
Horse goes into a bar.Barman asks, "so, why the long face?"
The horse says 'Well, if you must know, I've just had some bad news'
A man walks into a sweet shop and says to the girl behind the counter: "I'll have a kitkat chunky".
She gets him a kitkat chunky.
"No I wanted an ordinary kit kat, you fat cow."
Building on andrewh's...
What's got 2 legs, spots and bleeds..?
Half a leapard!
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a pint and a....
.
.
.
.
mop.
Three American hunters come across some tracks...
Biff says 'I reckon they're mountain lion tracks'
Hank says 'Well I reckon they're bear tracks'
But before Chuck could say anything they were all hit by a train.
A little old lady goes to see the doc...
"Doctor, I've got constant TERRIBLE flatulence, but it's silent and it doesn't smell"
"OK" replies the doctor "Take these pills and come back and see me in a week"
A week later she returns
"Doctor, I've still got the terrible flatulance, it's still sielnt, but now it smells AWFUL"
"OK" grimaces the doc "That's sorted your sense of smell, now lets work on your hearing!"
I rear-ended a car this morning …
I tell you, I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day. The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it! He was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said, "I'm NOT fing happy!"
So I said, "Which fing one ARE you then?"
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
pingu66 - Member
Blonde in car accident and the paramedic gets to her and checks her brething and pulse etc then checks for blurred vision holding two fingers in front of her says "How many fingers have I got up"
The blonde replies "Oh my God I'm paralysed"
😆 😳
found my level
What's red and isn't there.
No tomatoes.
Why are pirates called pirates
They just arrrrrrr!
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in a microwave 'till it's Bill Withers.
Man walks into a Buddhist chip shop,
orders some fish and chips and hands over a tenner.
He gets his food, and waits, and waits.....nothing.
He says, 'hey mate, hows about me change?'
'Change must come from within', the chip dude says...
Why are poets always sneezing?
Because of their analogies....
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients. He felt an overwhelming sense of guilt and betrayal. But, he kept hearing this voice in his head, reassuring him, "Dave, you aren't the first doc to sleep with a patient, and you wont be the last, just let it go"
But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality, "Dave, you're a ****ing vet!"
Man walks into a Buddhist chip shop,
I think that's a chain. I went into one of their pizza shops and ordered a Zen Pizza. So, he made me one with everything.
Q) What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died?
A) Nothing.
Bloke walks into a chippy and says, 'Please help me, I think I'm a moth'.
The chippy owner says 'Well, that's all very well, but this is a chippy, you need to see a doctor'.
The bloke says 'I am seeing a doctor'.
Chippy owner says, 'Well, what are you doing in here?
Bloke says, 'Well I was just walking past and your light was on...'
What's ET short for?
Cause he's got wee legs!
What do you call an Irishman with a pane of glass behind each ear?
Paddy O'Doors
Why do elephants have big ears?
Because Noddy won't pay the ransom demand.
I think I got this from a similar thread some time ago.
A penguin is driving along the coast when his car breaks down. He takes it to a garage and the mechanic says he'll look at it in about half an hour. As he's at the seaside the penguin decides to go down to the beach to pass the time. It's a nice day so he has an ice cream and lies on the beach for half an hour.
On returning to the garage the mechanic is looking at the penguins engine. "Looks like you've blown a seal" he says.
The penguin wipes his mouth, blushes and says "It was just an ice cream!"
Just to get this post back up there seeing as its Friday.
Dear Dierdre
I was at the bedroom window watching the nextdoor neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless.
As I was knocking one out I turned to notice my wife just stood there, arms folded....watching me!
Do you think she's one of those perverts!!
A man walks into a sweet shop and says to the girl behind the counter: "I'll have a kitkat chunky".She gets him a kitkat chunky.
"No I wanted an ordinary kit kat, you fat cow."
Brilliant!
I'll add my effort:
Paedo goes up to a kid and says "if you come in my car I'll give you a sweetie".
Kid replies "I'll come in your mouth for a whole pack".
(shudders at what I've just posted!)
DrP
Two Mexican bandits lost in the desert. Sunstroked, crawling in the sand and slowly dying of hunger, when suddenly:
[i]"Look.. looook José...eeetz a bacon tree."
"Estúpido. Eeeet eez another mirage Miguel. There eez no such thing as a 'bacon tree'."
"No, eet eez real José. I must have bacon"[/i]
Buoyed by the thought of the fresh pig flesh, Miguel summons all his strength, gets up and runs towards the tree. As he gets near a single gunshot rings out and Miguel falls to the ground. With his remaining strength he crawls back to his amigo.
[i]"Don't... don't go José... You were right.... Eetz not a bacon tree.. eetz.. eetz.."
"Si, Miguel?"
"Eeetz...eetz.. a ham bush"[/i]
Camel says to a horse "Why the long face?"
Horse replies "Cause I'm fed with you always having the hump"
Wanted:
£20,000 reward.
Schroedinger's Cat.
Dead or Alive
alternative punchline - [i]Dead [b]and[/b] Alive[/i]
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
.
Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement. Whereas the party of the first part, who will be henceforth be addressed as 'the lawyers' and the party of the second part, henceforth addressed as 'the light bulb' do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (light bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1.The party of the first part (lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (light bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (light bulb) in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (light bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (lawyer) throughout.
2.Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (light bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ('receptacle'), the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (light bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.
3.Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (lawyer) shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part ('new light bulb'). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part (new light bulb) becomes snug in the party of the third part (receptacle) and in fact actually becomes the party of the second part (light bulb).
NB: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (lawyer), by said party of the first part (lawyer), or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do so with the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.
What do you call a dog with two dicks...
N~DUBZ
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man?
None.
The bee's have gone on strike. Thy're demanding more honey and less flowers.
Why dont communists like Earl Grey?
Because all property is theft.
I got stung by a bee yesterday.
Six quid for a jar of honey!
My Jewish mate has been with his Tourette's suffering girlfriend for years now.
I always wondered what kept them together.
Then I saw the swear jar.