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You’ll be fine honestly. The hardship of raising children is balanced with the joy of people at your diner table and partners, grandkids etc in later life.
My hobbies are biking, fishing, walking all of which my 3 boys do with me and every day is full on and great.
Terminations are not be considered lightly is all I will say and don’t underestimate the impact when the chance has gone and everything is a bit sterile
We're all different and I can think of friends and family that could match every scenario, kids or no kids, young or old, choice or not.
Age is far less a barrier than it used to be, we are healthier and better cared for and inevitably we'll probably end up working for longer than our parents (especially those that become parents).
The financial worries are no different to if you were 25 years younger, it is a big commitment and you really don't want buyer's remorse. No one is ever really ready.
For ourselves it was a delicate balancing of medication before we could even try so it had to be a certain thing we wanted and even when we were successful the prospect was exciting but scary. We are happy that we have a child, the opportunities are different. It's not necessarily easy and we know that the practicalities of life with illness really rule out anymore for us.
I enjoy being a dad but respect it's not for everyone. To choose either way is not easy.
I’ll just add one thing that really resonated with me and made me giggle. I live listening to Nihal on Five Live in the afternoon and he has two daughters, as do I
He recounted what someone older said to him when his second daughter was born: “you’ll never have any money, but you’ll never go short of a hug”
Amen to that. It’s so true
The eldest (now 17) texted me last night from the mosh pit of a gig in town to say that someone had chucked beer in her eye and signed off ‘love you dad x’. That’s pretty much all I need out of life. Watching them flourish is an absolute joy. I just can’t imagine my life without it.
I know that you’re looking for advice and you’d prefer it to be impartial but you just can’t be when it comes to this subject. It’s the most important thing in your life.
Make the right decision for yourselves because it’s a huge, daunting thing. But don’t underestimate the huge positives that you don’t yet know about. And a ton of shit, obviously, but you tend to mentally just gloss over that 😂
Fear of the unknown is very understandable.
As a father of 3 girls (Inc twins) all now >19 years old all I can say is that it’s brilliant.
I have no money now but wouldn’t swap it for a thing – and I had zero idea of what to expect.
Similar here, but only one 11 year old. The idea of having a kid is terrifying, but even really stupid people manage to do it so it's not as hard as you think. Don't fall into the trap of thinking you have to be perfect, if you just spoon food in at one end and wipe it up at the other end the other stuff will usually take care of itself. It's exhausting for the first couple of years, but it gets much easier once they can talk and stop shitting themselves constantly. After that, it's a lot of fun. Kids have fantastic imaginations and are constantly doing goofy stuff. Being a parent gives you the right to do fun, goofy stuff along with them and people think you're great instead of thinking you're a weirdo. I wouldn't miss it for anything.
Once again your blinkered “expert” world view is at odds with pretty much everyone else.
Well, no, it's at odds with your opinion.
You clearly have some serious issues that need some time to solve.
"You don't want children? You must be mentally ill!"
And TJ is the one with issues?
As ever, the forum rallies round to support someone when they really need it.
Really hope the OPs partner has access to similar advice and support.
Not sure why TJ is getting heat for his post, I actually felt he provided a useful alternative point of view.
Neither am I sure why I am getting heat for that post in fact boarding bobs post attacking me personally is somewhat unpleasant and unnecessary
The OP asked for perspective. thats my perspective on it. Its all it is. the perspective of someone who knew they never wanted children.
Can we please not make this about me?
Me and MrsRNP can't have children, we wanted them and MrsRNP was fully put on this planet to be an awesome mother so that really hurt when we found out.
life without has been good, financially we are sound (no mortgage/debt) which has been a blessing during the turbulent last few years. But otherwise we haven't really capitalised on our 'junction in the road of life' - we still live in the same area as 'pre kids' so it's not like things are magically Instagram better or different by not having kids (for us).
MrsRNP has answered her calling by helping others (started a charity - have posted about it on here) and we have a dog furchild instead. I think I would have like kids but only for the 'passing on of genes' and for someone to be there at the end of our lives.
Contrast to my brother. Lives in Oz with younger Australian wife, late 30's early 40's when he has kids. Not much assistance from parent in laws with childcare. Semi feral / Australian approach to raising children (?) have broken him - he's constantly knackered - looks decades older than me. Drinks too much 'to cope'. Has broken his marriage - only together for the kids - they don't argue but the love has gone.
Financially they got on the ladder over a decade ago so have a roof over their heads but they can't afford to move as they now need a kids 2nd bedroom as they are getting to old to share. Realistically they need to leave Tempe and move 'out west' where housing stock is cheaper but they don't want to loose their 'coffee shop lifestyle'
Raising children in Oz looks better than the UK due to weather and facilities (skateparks/BMX tracks/beaches/swimming etc).
Imho I'd examine your relationship with your partner and make sure that is strong enough more then the financial/age thing. My brother should have 'won the lottery' - lives in Sydney/younger wife etc but isn't happy which really saddens me.
Good luck.
* I hate calling children 'kids' but it's quicker to type on an iPhone. Kids are baby goats!
Lots of "you'll be fine" type comments and the OP and his partner probably will be but in the interest of balance, I'll put an alternative view across.
The concerns you and your partner raise are similar to those I had. I'm childless out of choice, in as far as any of us really has free choice, but have considered it in the past. There were a number of things on top of the reasons you've highlighted that held me back. Mainly environmental.
But ultimately the reason I could never have children was because I didn't think that I would be a good enough parent. I had totally inadequate parents myself who pretty much parented as they had been parented. I see my sister parenting not in the same way but in a way designed to bring about the same results.
Now before anybody gets out a violin, there are people who have had it much worse than me. But what I'm saying is, take a little time to consider your own upbringing, your partner's upbringing. Ask yourself are you likely to make the same mistakes your parents did. Are you capable of and willing to learn and change when you do make mistakes because of course you will. Are you able to put another person's needs above your own. There's nothing wrong with saying i'm too 'selfish' to have a child. I think in many ways it is actually an unselfish thing to do to remain childless.
As well as asking yourself how you're going to cope - that's valid - also ask yourself can you be a decent parent to your child. Are they going to be glad that your brought them into this world.
Sadly, it's too late to have any meaningful counselling but it might be beneficial to talk things over with a professional.
I was always proud that I didn't have kids. But I did eventually have a dog. She's not here any more but it's only with hindsight that i can see that I 'parented' her just as inadequately as my parents did me. And if you make that same mistake and you go on to recognise that, then you sure as hell won't be fine and nor will your child.
On a more practical note, don't know how settled you or your partner are in Oz but if you do go ahead then that's something else to take into consideration. I mean, what if she wants to come back and you have to decide leaving Oz for life in the UK again or having a kid on the other side of the world. Obviously, that might not be a factor but it can happen.
Just some thoughts. Teaching a kid to bodyboard and then watching them turn into a skilled surfer all underneath the Australian sun... well I couldn't think of anything much better than that. Good luck whatever you decide.
Edited to say: Wow. Just seen RNP's post. Puts a different sun on living the dream in Oz!
I was a first time dad at 45 and it's been a blast. We had a second child soon after the first and they've kept us both young, we've had some great adventures as a family. I sympathise in that it is a very scary time when you first find out, there's loads of uncertainties and it's not an easy journey, but in my experience it's been well worth it.
I found that as older parents we've done our solo adventures and are ready to put our energies into activities with the children
We have two great kids. I was never sure if I wanted children, I was never very kid-focussed even on children in the immediate family, so I wasn't sure I 'got it'.
I did have a hard think about why though. A lot of it came down to how we were living at that time. Once I thought about the future and how things would change anyway, whether we had kids or not, and how that would look, I started to better understand that it was what I wanted.
Yep it can be tough sometimes but I wouldn't be without them. Just been re-discovering skateboarding with them 😀
FWIW I think the content of TJ's post was just fine, it's a very valid opinion. The language was a bit blunt but that's partly TJ and partly written vs spoken, etc.
Boardin Bob's response was not OK, IMHO.
I've re-read my own post and I want to reiterate one point and take it out of the equation.
You're never ready. Even if you think you are. So drop that from thinking entirely, it's not relevant. You'll get through, we all did. Even now, with mine 18 and 15 just when I thought I'd got it sussed we got given a new situation and we're trying to work it out all over again.
Woman here, 51, no kids.
My view is I was always ambivalent about the idea of being a Mum. If I had been with a partner who had wanted a child then I'm sure I'd have been the "traditional" mum of 2 but I fell in love with someone who actively did not want children.
You are always likely to get polarised responses as people who are parents are likely to say it's the best thing ever and people without children say the same.....
Good luck with whatever you decide
I am currently sat on the floor of our nursery. 2 minutes ago my wife and I were in bed feeling utterly broken, me with a cold her lack of sleep. Our 6 month old with a chest infection sat between us...but there's nothing like a bit of a poop explosion where it shoots right up the back to spring you in to action and wake you up. It's tough being a parent, there are times where we both really struggle. Mentally and physically. Times where I wonder what on earth we are doing. Going out to the pub at night is a distant memory, I don't go biking or fishing as much as I used to. Your life revolves around naps and feeds.
Saying that, when I am feeling low and then I see my daughter, her amazing little face makes me forget how tired I am, seeing her change and develop is awesome. She is just an all round perfect little thing and wouldn't be without her.
My wife and I are a real team, but it has put pressure on us. So I think you guys need a really open and honest chat about it all. But don't feel bad if you decide you don't want to go ahead with it. I think we seem to demonise people who don't want kids, so actually TJs comments are really helpful. Parenting isn't for everyone. I really hope you guys manage to find a way forward that you both agree on and makes you both happy. Good luck OP.
My experience:
I'm 40, live with my girlfriend (both of us previously divorced), we don't have kids and don't want any. She had an abortion earlier in our relationship.
Now, I like kids! I'm not a hater. Enjoy spending time with my niece and nephew and my friends' kids. I think if I had a kid I would be a good dad.
However, I don't really have any urge within me to have a kid. If my partner really wanted them then I'd probably have one but if it's up to me - I'll stay childless.
I do worry that I won't have people around me in old age. And sometimes I worry that my life is meaningless without children to bring up. The old existential angst thing!
However, I also have lots of benefits from not having had children. I have lots of time to do what I want. I've worked part time for charities for most of my adult life as haven't needed much money and value my free time. Mostly because I really like walking around for hours on end every day! I've probably had about as much expendable income as my friends with kids, but much more free time.
Currently doing public sector IT contracting to put some money away as I'm planning on retiring in the next year or so (i.e. at 41/42). Though not sure if that counts as retiring? I might go back to work, dunno. Or open that brewery I keep talking about.
That wouldn't be possible if I had children - they're expensive!
In comparison to my friends I grew up with who have children, they're all a bit more haggard and chubbier than me - stress and lack of time to exercise I guess. Though as their children are getting older (i.e. > 5 years old) I can see that reversing.
I don't know if that helps at all. I could say do a cost/benefit analysis or write things down on two sides of paper or something, but this decision isn't one you can make like that. It's an emotionally fundamental decision.
What I can say is that no matters what happens, you will be fine. If you have the kid you'll do your best to be a father and it won't go perfectly and be lots of hard work but you'll be a good dad.
However if you don't have the kid, there is much beauty and enjoyment in the world around you and you have the opportunity to go and see it.
I guess you also have a certain amount of time to think about whether you want to stop the pregnancy or not, so you don't have to make a decision right away.
Someone up thread asked for a female perspective.
I wasn’t sure about kids, lacked a maternal instinct but we got to a point where all the holidays, mountain climbed, weekends biking, meals out and fine wines etc. got a bit same-y.
My son was born when I was just shy of 42. For the first few months I went entirely through the motions of keeping him alive because that is what you do. Really didn’t enjoy the early months- it was brutal and I didn’t have that immediate adoration you are supposed to get. I was so relieved when I met some other mums (not many) who felt the same way.
At about 5 months the love hit me like a tsunami. And it has got better. He is truly the best thing that has ever happened to me. And turns out I am really good at being a mum (which I didn’t expect) - whilst holding down a full time job. And we still have holidays, climb mountains, spend weekends biking, have meals out but now skip the wine as you never get a lie in.
aren’t women supposed to have a ‘maternal’ instinct driving this?
No they don't and that antiquated view of how life should proceed (meet someone, get married, have kids, raise them, have grandkids) means that those people who don't proceed as 'expected' can struggle to not be judged all of their lives. It's completely fine now to not be married, not own property, not want to have kids and to spend all your time and money just enjoying life as we see fit instead!
Going out to the pub at night is a distant memory...... Your life revolves around naps and feeds.
Sounds pretty much like my life now. Not got kids mind... 😂
I read this last night but it's impossible to respond when there's a screaming baby within earshot.
I'm 39 and our first arrived 8 months ago. I feel like I've aged 10 years in that time. I'm not going to lie, it's been brutal. If you enjoy the sickening disorientation of extreme sleep deprivation, loud noises, physical exhaustion and frayed tempers, I'm sure you'll thrive on it. Plus, no matter what, my alarm clock goes off at 7am every day and I have to trudge to work in the Yorkshire winter and do an impression of a functional human all day. It's been the hardest time of my life. Then at about 6 months he started smiling and giggling and that was the first sign that it might be alright.
Honestly I wouldn't change it. I love having a son. Now he's starting to get a personality, he's happy all the time. Apart from when he really isn't. He gets a look of pure amazement when he manages to balance on his hind legs for a few seconds. He cracks up and laughs hysterically which absolutely makes my day.
As for all the other stuff, it doesn't really matter. We've had 11 years of freedom together so I don't mind skipping the adventures and socialising for a while. Financially could be better, but could also be much worse. We were lucky enough to get on the property ladder just before Covid or things would be very different. We're both on pretty crappy salaries but with nice safe jobs and there's a good nursery at the end of our street which is about to start taking every penny we have.
So that's it, we're in it for life. We both always said we we're indifferent about having kids but I think we were just scared. I certainly was! In a few years we'll be doing laps in Morzine together and I can't wait.
A life long friend of mine had his first at 40, the second at 44. He still gets "me time", but some of it has been replaced with "kids time". He wouldn't change a thing, and it's nice to see them growing up in a loving home.
As a childless 57 year old, I can kind of see TJ's point about being 60 with a 15 year old, but he/she won't be dumped on you at 60. You'll have 15 years experience by then. Your priorities now, will change to different ones, some of them slowly, some of them quickly but you'll adapt, that's what everyone does when they have kids.
Congrats, and good luck
I’m 41 with an 8 year old and a 3 year old , both boys . The first one was pretty straight forward to deal with and still is , the 2nd one a bit more of a challenge. I remember just being so tired as he wasn’t sleeping through the night but these stages don’t last long although they feel like it at the time . I look back now at choices I made or things I didn’t do 20 years ago that would have meant I would have more money in my pocket now and I don’t regret it as it all meant I ended up with my 2 boys who mean everything to me and I wasn’t sure pre kids that I would feel like that .
I have the best dad you could hope for so it wasn’t anything like some people on here have experienced, I just wasn’t sure I was that guy , but it really did hit me like a brick when they were born , and I know that was a chemical response in my brain and an evolutionary trait but I couldn’t care less .
It’s hard and I’m skint but I still get to ride my bike regularly , your life doesn’t end with kids , it just changes .
for you I would just say take a breath and take your time as either way is a big decision, talk to your partner but know you can have fulfilling life either way .
TJ although I think you have a right to an opinion, you have no experience and the words you used and the inference of them are abhorrent to a parent - they lack sensitivity. Sometimes, you could consider enjoying a thread and not being involved and in my opinion this was one of those times.
OP, I’d just be repeating what others have said but in my view kids are the hardest yet most rewarding job ever. It is hard, it isn’t cheap, you have to be selfish and unselfish at the same time, but it’s a lot of fun with many good times you just can’t imagine right now and won’t ever see without them. You’ll find a way, parents always do. Good luck.
Some points there that very ring true. I'm 39 almost 40. My missus is 43 and doesn't never did want kids, I didn't when I was younger. Convinced i was going to die young/smash my self up which to be fair i did almost do.
now I'm a bit less set on that stance, again I worry about old age but feel having kids to stop that isn't the right reason!
Currently having a minor midlife crisis not helped by loosing my dog wondering if I've done the right thing!
We both have disposable income and free time. Recently moved out to the sticks. And really enjoying it.
Just wonder who's going to inherit all my stuff😄
Don't think there's a right or wrong answer in this case it's such a big decision it's got so many variables.
What ever you do will be both the totally right decision the trick will be not to dwell on "wondering what if"
And I'll stick My oar in and say TJs post honest and blunt. If you want stuff wrapped in cotton wool he's not your guy!
Humans are complex things and thoughts and emotions are not like a maths problem.
What happens if I get made redundant at some point?
What if I’m not able to financially support a dependant child at, say, 65? What happens if I get made redundant at some point?
To put your comments into perspective, I got laid off when my y0ungest was 7 months and we'd just found out my OH was pregnant with our 2nd. I've been laid off 6 times, the last time was when my youngest (3rd) was 10.
You're 45 y/o, get a grip.
You sound like you've been considering a child.
It's scarey even when planned - Mrsf told me she wantd the first child before she was 30 (we married at 25). We've a 21 year old and an 18 year old, and it doesn't get easier, and you are still learning - I've just got two adult children now. Daughter is more grown up, but very stubborn, son still acts like he's 14.
no-one will lie it's easy, it will change your lives - my brother and sister have had their first kids in the last few years and they were 40 before their first. You are still young - I wouldn't be wanting a baby at 60 though - it's the younger years that are demanding physically.
PS you'll never have lots of money - it's always a fine balance of childcare or working or not.
Great fun and you'll have a mini-me bike buddy.
My sister in law never wanted kids, but that changed and she'd have loads if she could now !
I've seen how my neice's life has changed, her instagram is just full of baby pics now, no more partying for a while. You do get your life back eventually - we can now go away - TBH we're off to our static caravan most weekends without the young adults, and have been for a fair few years. We just bring 'the cats' with us if daughter isn't going to be at home.
I'm not in the OPs position, having an 18 yo and a 15 yo at 48.
But, I recognise the fear.
I was never terribly keen to have kids, but my wife got the baby bug as soon as she became an aunt and if I'm truly honest, I agreed to no.1 because I wanted to keep her happy. By the time no.1 was a toddler, it felt right to us that she should have a sibling.
It is single handedly the hardest and most fulfilling aspect of my entire life.
Much has been said of the massive change in lifestyle/available resources and this is true, but the task of raising decent human beings is demanding and long. Despite this, my heart swells with pride and I feel like bursting when I see the people they are becoming.
Knowing what I know about parenting, the prospect of being a parent my mid-40s is not one I would relish unless I had significant cash to buy in assistance. It will change your relationship and make it harder to perform at your work. You will not have the resilience and flexibility of your 30 yo self. Despite this, if my wife fell pregnant now, I would shrug and get stuck in to preparations.
Do not under estimate the value of nearby family either.
Only you can make the decision. The feedback on here is overwhelmingly positive, but that doesn't mean it is necessarily is for you.
Canvas as much opinion as you can get as soon as possible, because termination is the time window beyond which you will no longer have choices.
I also felt that tj’s post was reasonable.
I personally, in that situation wouldn’t consider a termination, but that is my and my wife’s personal opinion, I wouldn’t villify someone else for their opinion.
OP: you’re right to be a bit terrified, it’s a huge undertaking to have kids.
But it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.
I never wanted kids, but i have 2 grown up now, I don’t regret it at all, we’ve had some great times.
I think this thread shows the unbridgeable gulf between the childless by choice and the parents
When I said " I don't understand" thats purely aimed at me. I do not understand the urge to have kids. Its not implying or inferring anything apart from perhaps I have a wiring fault in my head around kids!
Kryton - I have a couple of things i would like to say to you ( apologies and pleading for understanding) but I cannot PM you and don't want it to take over another thread
I never wanted kids, but i have 2 grown up now, I don’t regret it at all, we’ve had some great times.
Same here, but I wouldn't want to do it again. Especially in this day & age of the planets uncertainty.
I know there's always been uncertainty but I'd be thinking about any kids future, by which I don't mean how they'll turn out but how climate change will affect them.
I never really wanted kids, they just happened!
OP I remember the feeling of helplessness and feeling utterly overwhelmed by the idea of children when my partner told me she'd missed a couple of periods, and feeling just wildly unprepared for it. Like many folks have said on here, when he actually came along, while everything changes, I wouldn't now not to have had the experience.
But, be kind to each other, talk to each other, don't lie (even your the sake of feelings) and support each other.
Congratulations.
Remember there is no "right" way to rear a child, just that which works for your family.
My first arrived when I was early 30's and I fund out after a night-shift. We had been told that it wasn't likely and had become lax with contraception. I was too tired to be worried but was pleased for my wife. They're both 30's now and it has been a blast watching them overcome their hurdles and get on with life. It's also been a privilege to help out when they have had problems of their own. Sometimes only dad will do.
Whilst on the subject of age when having the first my eldest brother in law was 60 when he had his first! He's now 71 and the two children keep him active and mentally agile.
Good luck with your choice OP.
Lots of thoughts an opinions from all over the shop, so I'll not add to them.
One thing stood out to me in the original post was the line 'Last night my GF confided in me that she was considering a termination.'
The typical bloke type answer, especially when unsure, is 'oh' and then we go off into a spin internally without sharing or supporting.
Not saying this is you Mr Deer but, the fact your good lady has said it clearly means it is high in her thoughts, which means it has to be discussed between you without prejudice.
There is no right and wrong answer, only what is right for you.
It is terrifying. And exciting.
OK, you’ll be 70 when junior is 25. Let’s hope you’re still around as it will be great to reach that point.
Just take each day as it comes.
Be glad you’re not doing the ‘heavy lifting’ on the child production front. But you have a huge part to play in support and involvement for the preparation and rearing. puts most work activities in perspective.
Get you and your SO’s legal and financial stuff in order. Having children is a great motivator to get these priorities sorted out.
Get saving for university funds. Given your age, you might want to take advantage of your pension allowances to do this tax efficiently as you could make it a part of your ‘tax free’ lump sum in your early 60s. And if junior decides not to take advantage as they want to travel the world and ‘find themselves’ NP, buy them a ticket or get yourself a new eBike.
We had 2 children in our mid-30s. Both planned, as much as such things can be. Now we have 2 ‘adults’. They’re as complicated as people tend to be and I’m very glad we have them.
I do not understand the urge to have kids
By contrast, I came from a very close and extended family, my father died at 29 and I wanted to be a father by 30. Came in a month under and no immediate role model and living away from both families. Now they’re grown up (but still on the payroll). I’d do it all again tomorrow even at my age (54). Raising children will keep you young. As I said, you really have no choice.
The happiest couples are the ones who have no children and didn’t want them. You can infer the rest. I have seen the other end of the spectrum at close quarters.
I'm a 53yr old parent of one 19yr old daughter who has pretty much left home now and I'm in the TJ camp and would consider termination (although I very much do understand why people want children!). I wouldn't have a child at 45 out of choice, I wouldn't run away though.
And as professional people if you haven't got your finances in order by 45 then you've got sod-all chance with a child in the equation!
And those who say - it'll all be OK - if my extended family is anything to go by it'll all turn into a shit-fest of parents and kids falling out and having nothing to do with each other. 🙂
I was child agnostic. Now have two. Started late ish.
Don't, don't do something because you are scared. Just deal with the now. It is hard work but also fun. Worry not about how old you will be when you are 70 worry only about today as that is what you can deal with.
Remember you will regret what ever decision you make. You have the opportunity to start an adventure but not to do that adventure because of fear is not a good reason.
If you marry, you will regret it; if you do not marry, you will also regret it; if you marry or if you do not marry, you will regret both; whether you marry or you do not marry, you will regret both. Laugh at the world’s follies, you will regret it; weep over them, you will also regret it; if you laugh at the world’s follies or if you weep over them, you will regret both; whether you laugh at the world’s follies or you weep over them, you will regret both. Believe a girl, you will regret it; if you do not believe her, you will also regret it; if you believe a girl or you do not believe her, you will regret both; whether you believe a girl or you do not believe her, you will regret both. If you hang yourself, you will regret it; if you do not hang yourself, you will regret it; if you hang yourself or you do not hang yourself, you will regret both; whether you hang yourself or you do not hang yourself, you will regret both. This, gentlemen, is the sum of all practical wisdom.
Kierkegaard
I’m a father of 2 lads (20 & 17) and I can say, as much as it pains me to do so, it has not been a positive experience for me overall.
My main error was having them with the wrong person.
I’m now with the person I should have been with back then, but now I’m too old in late 40s so I’ve had the snip.
People often over-romanticise parenthood; it’s classic Cognitive Dissonance. The world is vastly over-populated too, so there’s no need to breed really.
The cost of having a kid at Uni etc when I’m in my 70s terrifies me; I’m worried about how I’ll fare then as it is.
Apologies for my slightly depressing take on things, but that’s how it is for me.
I became a dad to twins at 42. I’ll be 55 this year just after they hit 13. They are wonderful and I’d not change a thing. How old I am when they are 25 doesn’t matter - in fact it will probably mean they get a decent inheritance at an age where it will be useful for them.
Kryton – I have a couple of things i would like to say to you ( apologies and pleading for understanding) but I cannot PM you and don’t want it to take over another thread
You don’t need to apologise or plead to me TJ. Because of the history I’m trying very hard to respond to you sensibly on threads. I don’t have a good family history, and my opportunities with my two kids are hugely emotionally valuable to me, so blunt talk of “termination” feels very sensitive and whether you or someone else had posted it, I’d have said the same. I appreciate the op finds themselves in a tricky position, but we are ultimately talking about a child’s life here, not a bike part you can put back on the shelf.
Maybe that sensitivity is about my issues not yours/others, and I’m happy to accept that.
41, no kids here. Never been completely against it, but never been sure so haven’t.
I’ll likely get in trouble with this comment, but I always find the comparison between “shall we have kids” threads and “shall we get a dog” threads fascinating.
On the latter the general sentiment is that you have to have everything in place before you say yes with lots of people saying how much of a commitment it is and saying to be sure. You should default to no unless you’re 100%.
On the former, a bigger, longer, more life changing commitment, the default is yes and I’m sure all will work out.
I personally find this odd.
I’d suggest the OP needs to have a frank and honest discussion with his other half about his concerns. They should both be 100% on board, if they’re not it’ll cause issues down the line.
Kryton - OK. I have noticed your change of approach and appreciate it and will try to reciprocate. Thanks
I do still have a couple of things I would like to say to you but this thread is not the right place
Read the OP last night but mulled the topic over a bit before spouting.
We had our first when I was 30 (missus is a bit older), it wasn't planned, but wasn't actively avoided if that makes sense. The thing is we were both set on keeping it from day one. Not that we didn't have the same concerns as you, we were renting, generally enjoying our own "extended childhood" with some disposable income, free time and few relative responsibilities.
So the same concerns were there, and an appreciation of the responsibility that being a parent is, which I think you seem to have. That alone is a decent starting point whatever you decide between you. But don't get too caught up in the logistics and financial implications, not every family is well off and financial security alone does not make functional family or a happy life. I wouldn't change my life today for anything, but that's me and I think you've had enough cheerleaders for kids and family life already...
I have friends who knew they did not want to spawn and most of them seem happy, just aware that their decision will forever be questioned by everyone they meet for the next 30 years and that they'll inevitably lose a few friends to the parenting cliques...
The current realty for you and your GF is stark OP, this will change your lives whatever happens:
You will either become parents and manage to face that together, become parents and find the changes test your relationship beyond breaking point (this is a distinct possibility), or decide on a termination and that choice will also play a part in your relationship going forwards as it will always be something that happened and which the pair of you will need to deal with. Either way you are in for some irrecoverable change. So long as you are both open and honest about what you both want and what is worrying you, that's the best you can do...
It's no good any of us telling you we loved or hated being parents, we're not you. all I can say is it is something that you can do, plenty of people have managed before it's not an unassailable task whatever resources and capacity you have, your concerns are pretty much universal and I would worry more if half them didn't occur to you.
Ultimately you only get to find out if the choice you make today was the 'right' one in about twenty years or so, and the answer will probably just be a general sense of well-being or some distant regret at how things panned out, its not a binary thing unfortunately.
I'm not really in any similar situation as we had planned kids at an earlier age (I'm now 37 with 4 young boys) however for my 2p's worth of advice I'll add that one thing to be careful of is your relationship with your partner, especially around the time of the birth.
Be strong and be there for each other! Things will be tough at times and you particularly need to understand that her hormones will be going completely haywire, which can lead to strained relationships at a time that's already stressful enough. If she snaps at you or says something hurtful, understand that it's not really meant or what she truly believes. Let it wash over you and if needed, discuss at a later time when things are settled.
It's a 2 way thing of course, but will be harder for her to bear in mind at this time, especially if she gets the baby blues as well.
Oh and about the termination, bear in mind that this may be your last chance as if you regret the decision, when trying again you'll be even older and will have all the same doubts as now, but stronger! Termination is irreversible however if you do have the kid you still have the option to terminate at any point in the future 😉
What an honest post. Respect.
I can understand where you are. I was always child-agnostic, partner actively against it. However, once she became pregnant (she 39, me 49), she was adamant against a termination. We now have a 5 year running around. When he's 20, I'll be 70, so I empathise with you!
My sister is 3 only years older than me, but her youngest is nearly 27, so I can see pros and cons to having children at different times in life. Yes, the overlap when we can do sporty things as equals will probably be when he's about 10, but I think I'm a much better father than I would have been 15, 20 years ago. I'm much more reflective and aware of how my behaviour effects the family dynamic.
My advice would be not to overthink it, though I appreciate that's easier to advise than to achieve. People have been bringing up kids for millennia, and - spoiler alert - [b]nobody knows what they're doing[/b]. Everybody is just making it up as they go along. Try to relax into it and be as empathetic as you can. There's often a reason when they're being a complete terror. It's amazing how much you see your behaviour reflected back at you.
And remember, they're gonna turn out ok.
All kids are different, but FWIW ours is more effected by fresh air and diet than anything else. Outdoor time (in any weather) has a real positive effect on his behaviour. Processed food does seem to have the opposite effect. But it's all about balance. It's not fair to be mega strict on everything, and the occasional bit of what's bad for them is probably good for them (a good motto for life, that).
His mum got her pre-baby figure back within 6 months (without breast feeding), whereas I've put on 10 kilos, so there's no telling how it will affect you both.
Overall I'd say the important thing is to relax. Yes, there will be hard times. Yes there'll be times when you're washing shit off every surface. And I know he'll think I'm a massively embarrassing dickhead within the next 10 years. But all the negatives are outweighed by the fun he brings. It's life affirming to see the world with a 5 year old's sense of wonder and excitement, and the pleasure of sharing laughs is off-the-scale.
I've not articulated this very well. Feel free to PM me if you're having a wobble and want to talk through any part of being an older dad (though you're a whippersnapper from where I'm standing)!
Good luck, and enjoy it.
We had our boy when i was 35, and i can't deny that age died make me fear a little for the future.
My experience is coloured by losing my dad when i was 26 (he was 41 when i was born).
That being said i wouldn't change it for the world, 42 now though and not sure i would have another simply because i wouldn't want to put my wife through the damage child birth and pregnancy does.
Ask that being said it is normal to be utterly terrified of it, your world does change beyond anything you can imagine, if that is for you or not i cannot answer but vid luck either way.
Also fwiw i think tj's input was valuable in this