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I was a former frequent poster on here, but now I'm a long-time lurker. Apologies for the length of this post. There's a lot to unpack here. I genuinely have no one to turn to on this - and I can't talk to my family for obvious reasons, so I thought I'd bare all to a bunch of strangers on this internet (ha!). Apologies also if I'm slow to respond to any replies.
My partner / girlfriend (Late Thirties) and I (44) have just learnt that 'we' are pregnant. This was semi-planned - in that we'd thought about it for some months, maybe years, off and on - and I think decided that it was pretty much now or never. Things happened a great deal quicker than we were expecting - and suddenly the realty of this situation has taken us by surprise.
When the inevitable pee-stick test came up positive, I could hear the fear in her voice as she came to find me, before I even learnt the result. One of the first things we immediately both did was ball our eyes out, not with joy or wonder or anything like that, but because of the sudden reality that hit us. I this goes ahead, nothing between us will ever be the same.
We've been together for 9 years and, over the course of that, of course, we've had some difficult times, but on the whole we have been very happy and very much in love. We are best companions and enjoy each other's company, sharing our time, life and experiences together. It's never, ever felt like something was 'missing' from our lives.
A little while after I learnt the pee stick result I drove off to go for a run in the local forest, but completely broke down in tears on the way - probably triggered by driving past a secondary school at kick out time. "I just can't do this" was my overriding and desperate thought.
We have probably both long been children agnostic at best. I didn't realise this until our new conversations on this topic over the last few days. I always thought that I was being the ambivalent one, but it seems as though this has never really been a strong 'dream' of my GF either. Which I find hard to compute - aren't women supposed to have a 'maternal' instinct driving this? She has repeatedly brought up the topic over the years - but it seems she was just 'testing' to see what my response would be. Neither of us seem to have this great 'parental' urge that I see other people must have.
Both of us a really worried about how we will afford this, how will we ever be able to afford a house, or get approved for a mortgage now, how it will affect our careers, how it will affect our ability to go out and enjoy the things we like doing together, on a whim. She's worried about the impact it will have on her body, and the fear of giving birth.
I'm worried about how, at nearly 45, I will be 70 years old by the time this child could be 25! That is simply terrifying. I could likely end up spending the entire rest of my active life before I die emotionally and financially supporting this child, with none of that "we were so glad once the children finally left" thing that you hear retired parents say once the children have flown the nest. What if I'm not able to financially support a dependant child at, say, 65? What happens if I get made redundant at some point?
For what it's worth. Both of us are on good professional salaries. We are both well above the median out here in the Antipodes, where we emigrated from the UK a few years ago, but it STILL doesn't seem like enough. This is now the first time ever in our lives that we could even consider financially having a child, which is ridiculous, but so true. We can still barely afford to buy a house, given the house price bubble out here - and we are still renting well into our mid thirties (and forties in my case). Even now life still does not feel 'stable or secure' enough for us to bring a child into our lives. We both have absolutely no idea how other people actually manage to do this.
Last night my GF confided in me that she was considering a termination. I'm not sure how I feel about this. There was a sense in me of relief that this fear, doubt and worry would be taken away from both of us. But also a concern that by choosing this path we would be taking the easy way out - and this could be something we both regret in the future. Perhaps we both just have to take some responsibility, 'man up', and step up to the challenge? Isn't that what all parents do? The trouble is unlike most other parents I see in the world around us - neither of us feel this strong innate desire or pull towards parenthood. Everything for us here at the moment is just clouded with fear, doubt and worry. There's no instinctive drive to push through this.
I think we are both now struggling to see any positives that could come from this, despite whimsically daydreaming about the possibility of them only a few weeks back. It's easy to daydream, but reality it seems certainly hits harder.
Eek!
First of all> i can empathise with your immediate reaction. My Mrs and I had basically given up on having kids when we got the same news. It was over Xmas/New Year, so even finding a chemist to get a test was an issue!
How ready you are/will be, the finance side, the lifestyle thing - all of these issues in your thoughts make you just like everyone else, even if folk don't admit it in public.
I was a bit younger than you (38) and did sometimes feel I was the same age as my daughters peers grandparents 🙂 However, determination to be around for her made me even more intent on keeping fit and healthy - so look on it as a positive.
Termination is a valid (though irreversible) option but I suggest you give yourselves more time to consider the positive changes in your life that a child might bring. At the very least, get over that initial shock. That way you can look back at your decision knowing it was taken with a (relatively) clear head.
Investigate counselling services too. You are definitely not unique and they will be well versed in helping you out.
Fear of the unknown is very understandable.
As a father of 3 girls (Inc twins) all now >19 years old all I can say is that it's brilliant.
I have no money now but wouldn't swap it for a thing - and I had zero idea of what to expect.
For whatever little it's worth, that is one of the bravest and most honest posts I've read one here, and I've been here aaaaaaaaaaaages
Well there is no right or wrong answer for you, and everything anyone will say will probably be obvious.
It changes your life - my wife (GF at the time) was 39 when we had our girl and it's been by far the best decision I was ever persuaded to make.
Scary, yes, hard work, yes, worrying, yes. But I wouldn't change it for anything, as I think most people think.
It's not about manning up, but the fact that you are really thinking about it, communicating and considering it, will make you amazing parents.
Life is a journey we all take once.
Good luck in whatever you decide, there is no right or wrong - whatever you decide for you is right
You’ll be fine, she’ll be fine, the baby will be fine.
My aunt had her first baby at age 42, she was absolutely fine.
Daughter is now 21 and also absolutely fine.
It’ll be a big change for you both, but you’ll manage just fine.
Do you have a Vrs estate yet?
It’ll be an immensely exciting time for you both.
Wait until the first time YOU feel that baby kicking, you’ll never ever forget that.
Everything you've said is what all parents I know have said, all of it. It's shit scary.
But it's also awesome having kids. Amazingly they aren't just total leeches but bring hilarity and a new perspective on increasingly mundane and repetitive lives!
Saying this as a dad at 39 and 41.
As a 60 year old man that remained childless through choice your post sounds to me like you do not want a child.
the idea of having a 15 yr old child at this point in my life is basically frightening to me
Its seems to me that its one of those things that are expected of couples to have children and too many ( IMO) folk just go along with it. fortunately we have good biological drives to love that child - oxytocin is a wonderful thing
Advice? i would sit on it a few days and discuss it with your other half - and a termination is not "the easy way out" at all. Again IMO having the child is the easy decision as you need to nothing. I would be strongly considering termination if i were in your shoes but that bit of your brain that makes you want to have children just does not work for me. I cannot understand why anyone would want to have a child.
My partner and I are very very similar ages (inc. age gap) to you, literally a couple of years younger when we had our first. You'll be fine. Yes the age gap between me and my children does concern me sometimes but it's not that much more than between my parents and I. It's a good motivator for keeping in good shape. Remember to let them play, don't expect them to behave like mini adults LOL, can be easy to forget sometimes.
Wow there's a lot there to unpack.
Clearly can't speak for your partner, but your reaction isn't unusual. Our first came as a surprise/shock, when I completely was not ready for it, trying to rebuild a career working full time while doing a part time degree. I didn't take the news that well.
I still wasn't sure when we got to the delivery room. I'm the cliche reluctant dad who "got it" the first time I held him. Other dad's are not that fortunate.
My degree got screwed - grades went from a first to a 2:2, career never got restarted, never got the bigger house, car or decent holidays. Sometimes that's a factor in my mental health, I'll admit. I've never achieved my career potential because I chose to invest time and energy in my kid(s - in for a penny, in for a pound). I don't regret that, but hugely resent being managed by less experienced idiots.
You can never afford them, you can never get back the "you" time. You have to change your priorities and plans and expectations.
If you are lucky, you will replace that with great memories, new priorities and supporting them and watching them grow. Easy for me to say, both mine are happy(ish) teenagers being successful with their interests.
I've waffled, probably not helped. But being scared and lonely and isolated and confused is not unusual. 19 years in and I still have those moments
I’m the cliche reluctant dad who “got it” the first time I held him.
thats that ole oxytocin!
As above. Everybody goes through this, it’s quite normal. You will cope, you will be fine, yes you’ll have less money. You will wonder how you can love and dislike something so much, often minutes apart. You will laugh and cry again often minutes apart. What you put in you will get out. This is especially true when you start feeding solids. Good luck.
Congratulations. I know a couple of couples who had their first child at a similar age to you. They have coped well and couldn't be happier. I don't think it's uncommon, I expect it depends a lot on the demographics of your area.
You come across as a very considered person, just the sort of person a child needs as a parent. I think almost everyone has to make huge sacrifices for their children, but few regret it.
Even if you plan on it happening for years, it's still a huge step into the unknown.
I was 40 at the time of birth. Life will not be the same, it'll be different and fantastic in a million ways you've never considered, but it'll never be the same as being child free.
My lads (twins) were a bit of a surprise, and me and their Mum have split before they're two years old, they were very premature and were in hospital for 7 weeks post birth, they've not been able to settle for any period into childcare due to pretty normal colds and illnesses sending them to hospital for weeks at a time (both me and mum work full time) so for around 3+ months we've had to work split shifts one does AM / one does PM while the other looks after the lads then we both catch up in the evening (we've not lived together through this period) - we're both managers of teams of people so it has been very stressful - but, you manage, you overcome, you get buy, there's no option not to, you'll find a way to make it work no question
Yeah I'd have had a nicer house, nicer car if we'd not been paying £1800+ for childcare a month but that's not forever, and so what.
Take your time to let it sink in (in the nicest way possible make the most of the time you have now) and good luck for the day you're life changes - its a ride and a half, don't let it pass you by.
I was 38 when I had my first, 40 when I had my second. Had all the same worries! Wouldn't change a thing either.
Lots of people manage this on lots less money.
Bernie Ecclestone had a kid when he was 89! He's probably not got any money worries like the rest of us though.
Wow. Lot's to unpick there but a few high (or low) lights.
Disclosure; I wasn't sure - it's my wife's life ambition, so of course we ended up parents. My eldest turned 18 2 days ago. I might tell you about my youngest later on depending how this thread goes.
1/No-one's ever ready to be a parent. Even those that think they are. But pretty much everyone gets through.
2/ Yep, you'll be broke financially, and possibly for longer (or until later) than others. But you can do things with your kid(s) that money can't buy as well.
3/ Not all women are maternal, just as not all men like beer and football. Look at it as individuals, and make decisions based on that, not on any societal expectations.
4/ Take time, talk to people, professionals if necessary. You do not need to rush this. If termination is the right decision, of course it is better to act before too long but that doesn't have to be 'tomorrow'.
In terms of the thought that you'll be old by the time they leave home, think of the fact that you've had a good 27 years of prime adult life to do whatever you like without children so you've hardly missed out on anything.
With regards to thoughts on termination, my advice would be to think very seriously about it and don't rush a decision. You have time to think it through so take it.
It's easy to think that the option of children is always there but it's not necessarily the case, you might never get the chance again.
I thought I wasn't ready - maturity or financially - @35
She's nearly 3 .
Best thing I ever did. Showing her the world has been great although tough.
Yes it might head south from here on in....but Im certain I (YMMV) will never regret it.
Don't rush your decision.
You will wonder how you can love and dislike something so much, often minutes apart. You will laugh and cry again often minutes apart. What you put in you will get out.
Very true.
This is especially true when you start feeding solids.
Oh Christ, yes
Firstly: congratulations!
My advice: don’t worry about any of that bollocks. You’re overthinking it
A colleague has got his first born due tomorrow. I repeated a quote I can’t even remember who it was from:
‘Parenthood is like being smashed in the face with a sledgehammer, but in a really good way’
All those hypotheticals you’re worrying about? Yeah, good luck with that
Parenthood is an absolute ****ing nightmare whilst also simultaneously being the absolute best thing in the world ever. Get on with it! It’s ace!
Your kids won’t give a shit how old you are as long as they’re loved and supported. They’ll just love you right back. And believe me, nothing feels better than that. It’s the best thing in the world
I only have 4 things to say,
Congratulations
Oh dear
Kiss the next 16 years of your life goodbye.
It’ll be fine.
What essel said !
You get to access a whole new set of experiences and emotions. You will get used to it in about 10 years !
Good luck.
Wow!
Don't know where to start but here goes...
I have three children and three grandchildren; that gives me experience but I'm far from qualified to talk knowledgeably about your situation.
Sharkbait's posts above are well considered.
I would definitely endorse the recommendation of counselling - about the whole situation, not just the termination option.
Parenthood isn't for everyone that's for sure.
Whatever decision you take will have emotional consequences.
Take time to talk about and think about the consequences of the options; they will cover emotional, practical and financial considerations.
I have never, for a moment, regretted becoming a parent; having said that I know people who made a clear and rational decision they didn't want to become parents and have never regretted that choice.
You and GF appear to be in the position of prospective 'accidental' parents; you aren't the first to be in that position.
As for financial implications - yes, there are costs of becoming a parent but it's never ceased to surprise me how people find a way and the 'random kindness of strangers' should never be under-estimated.
This site can be infuriating as **** at times but can also be hugely supportive.
There will be many others with more insightful and relevant comments.
All the best in whatever decision you both come to.
Plenty said above - I was a fraction younger than you at 41 when the boy came along. I went through some of the same thought processes. All I can say is, you’ll be reet, you’ll both find a way if you go ahead with it. You sound like you communicate well with each other so you’re in a better place for the adventure ahead than a lot of new parents. Best of luck.
We had kids 'late' in life, at 35 & then 37, planned.
Then a surprise at 40, which turned out to be twins!
A few things
Youre never ready, but you manage it just fine, mostly, it's a test of a relationship, you need to be a team
Financially it's tough, but as you have no social life or time for your hobbies any more you haveoads of extra cash 😁
As for age, what better motivator to stay healthy and fit!
Being a parent is terrifying and rewarding in equal measure
Whatever choice you make it's very important your honest with each other, and fwiw my wife certainly became more maternal as her biological clock ticked louder
TL: Dr
I thought they were shit until about 18 months old, then they were cool.
Never a good time but a bit of effort and they are ace.
Met my wife at 34, married at 37 after 3 years of agreeing to no kids. She then changed her mind and basically gave me an ultimatum... We started trying but I found myself in a dark enough place to eventually seek councilling.
Long story short I was feeling scared of commitment and scared of the whole pressure of the responsibility of bringing someone into this world.
Reuben was born when we were 40 and cheesy as it may sound all my fears melted away and I wouldn't change it for the world or a Starling Mullet. I still get to ride my bike and snowboard, plus I get to watch him get a buzz from these things too.
Conclusion, I think feeling terrified is good, its because you are taking this thing seriously.
Would be interesting to get a female perspective - assuming, that is, we haven't already had that!
I think we are both now struggling to see any positives that could come from this,
As many have posted there are lots of positives to being a parent, they are just different to those of those who choose to be childless.
Choices either way are valid but you need to commit to one or the other and enjoy. If you choose to be childless get the snip it's far more ethical.
Parents either think they can do it, and are very much surprised, or know they cent do it but muddle through. That's you, you'll muddle through.... Brilliantly.
I was a late comer to fatherhood. Now have 3. Girls 6 and 4 yo, boy 20 months, I'm 49 soon. I'm tired. Very very tired. Always. Being tired I'm grumpy, always. I love the kids though and muddle through!
Congratulations!! Don't stop at one.
Conclusion, I think feeling terrified is good, its because you are taking this thing seriously
Doesn’t every bloke feel like a rabbit in the headlights? Then a bit of a spare part during pregnancy and childbirth? It’s all part of our role as ****less nobheads. Luckily we get to rectify that. The whole spare part/nobhead thing?
Just off the top of my head, taking my 9 year old to Old Trafford for the first time and watching the look on her face as she walked onto the terraces and listened to 75,000 people being abusive about Scouser’s 😂 after spending the morning watching her play centre back in a muddy field in Salford
I enjoyed it more than watching us win the champions league to do the treble, even though we lost to Sunderland
tj - your post ^^^ was tone deaf and, probably, unhelpful to someone asking for constructive comment.
I’ll start this post honestly by staring that I am slightly hammered on Discarded Banana Peel Rum. This is due to the fact that my lovely wife is staying at her parents with our kids tonight.
I turn 45 in a couple of months and had a pretty shitty upbringing. Took me a while to come around to the thought of having a child. Cliche, but I always feared being a terrible parent like mine were. Ended up having a son in 2014 and he is ace!
Never intended on having another. Four years later and Mrs F calls me at work to tell me she is pregnant. She burst in to tears as she knew my feelings on this matter. I had to leave work to come home and talk to her about it. Long story short, there is a thread somewhere on here that covers most of it and a lot sounds familiar in your post.
I now have a four year old daughter and I can’t even begin to describe how much I love her. She truly lights up my life. I have no disposable income and work my arse off to support my wife and two kids. Our house is falling to bits, sleep is something other people have and caffeine is my best friend. I wouldn’t change a thing.
I lay awake at night worrying about how I’ll support them financially and how I’m an older dad. I’ll be in my late sixties before my kids are looking at independence and I struggle daily trying to be a better parent than mine were. We are in a two bed house and I have no idea how we’ll ever be able to afford a three bed. Worst happens and Mrs F and I will simply sleep in the living room.
I honestly don’t know what I’m trying to type here (that’ll be the Rum) but I can’t imagine a world without my daughter in it and I honestly don’t give a shit about the financial and personal impacts. All I know is that she is an utter joy to be around and the world would be a lesser place without her. This is coming from someone that always assumed they would be a terrible parent and negative impact on a child’s life.
All that being said you both need to do what is right for the both of you. If you genuinely feel that you can’t do this then seek professional help. If you want to chat to someone who was scared, full of doubt and didn’t think they could cope but deep down wanted to drop me a pm and I’ll gladly chat.
Both of you take care and think long and hard about what you want. Not an easy or simple decision either way and keep posting if it helps.
I had no desire to have kids but then the inevitable happened. We considered all the options first time around as it came quite early in our relationship but decided to go ahead. Despite what tj said, it wasn't easy, there were tears and fears. Ultimately my partner really wanted to go through with it and I couldn't deny her that. I had no idea how we'd manage, financially or emotionally. When my son was born it was a fairly traumatic birth but the staff were amazing, even the trainee midwife who soon realised why she was the only person with expensive white trainers on. Due to the situation my son was quickly passed to me for the skin to skin contact, it felt odd, I didn't feel an instant love for him, it felt kind of surreal. But it didn't take long. As a result I don't pay much notice to the likes of TJ. I don't really believe you can say 100% that you absolutely don't want kids because you can't miss what you don't have. I wasn't even sure I wanted a 2nd but I was allowed a new bike before number 2 so that sealed that. I still don't know how we manage it but you do. Number 1 is 18 now and we are so proud of him and the way he has turned out, more through good luck than any intent on our part. His little sister isn't doing too badly either. They're growing up fast but I love being around them, sharing experiences and seeing how they are turning out. No regrets.
You're going to have a lot of emotional replies here, both from those with and those without. What I would say to you this:
The only thing that matters is what the two of you want to do. After a decade together you should be in a position where you can have a frank and honest discussion with each other. Talk it out, be sensible. If you want to do this then yay, congratulations! If you're both going "oh shit, what have we done" then right now you still have an alternative.
tj – your post ^^^ was tone deaf and, probably, unhelpful to someone asking for constructive comment.
I know it’s bash tj week, but no it wasn’t. Just because he has a different opinion to most others in the thread doesn’t mean it’s not valid.
FWIW I agree with tj, I couldn’t ever imagine having a kid of my own. It’s not the right thing for everyone, I’m sure I could muddle through etc but would that necessarily be the best thing for me, my wife or any child?
For my part, for what it's worth, it's a gene that passed me by. I've never had a desire to reproduce, I would be actively horrified if it happened to me. The cats are more than enough.
I rather suspect that it's genetic. I think my dad was the same, the only differences between us being that a) I didn't have three children and b) if I had I would've stepped up rather than ignoring the buggers for 40 years.
C'est la vie.
A few more thoughts now I've read the left half off your post. If you want your old life as it was that's fine, don't feel guilty. If you have kids live will change totally, and you will at times long for single time/pub time/bike time/ sex/etc etc. All of these are going for a bit! But being a parent is better in ways you won't understand until it happens.
But you'll be very tired. And grumpy.... Especially if you have more.
Have more.
I wasn't bashing tj so I stand by my post.
Neither his view nor mine are particularly relevant as we're not directly involved.
TJ has provided some sound advice from the other side of the fence so to speak. He is just giving his opinion on the OP’s situation. As long as you don’t ask him for sartorial advice his opinion is worth taking on board.
Before I pass out - You’ve done the right thing by posting on here OP. You’ll get lots of input, support and advice that may help you and your partner. Best of luck to the both of you whatever you decide to do. At the end of the day only by sitting down and having a full and frank discussion will you come to the best solution for your lives. Take care
I've been with my partner for nearly 26 years. We decided many years ago not to have kids. Our 2 dogs were in essence like our children and we were happy with that. My brother (12 years younger than me) and his wife then had a boy, when he was a toddler and old enough to play etc I would enjoy my time with him and always played and my partner noticed something about how I was. I had joked half heartedly bringing up kids with her, looking back it was obvious I had changed my mind. She was not clucky at all still. We talked and she said be honest and I was, I said I wanted children and she said let's do it. We tried for almost a year and weren't getting anywhere and then suddenly the day before Christmas eve she took a test and hey presto, it was positive. It hit me like a ton of bricks and massive doubts and worries were flooding my head and it was unbearable. It didn't help that 2 weeks after the news we had to put one of our dogs to sleep, he was old and ill and it was not a surprise but I was still a wreck. The dread and doubts subsided and then worry over the little person we were going to bring into the world took over. 2 weeks before he was due, our other dog had to be put to sleep, again very painful and we had hoped he would be around to see my son but it was not meant to be. Son was born and the joy I felt was immeasurable. He's 2 and a half now, and I'm 44, partner is 43. Everything was turned upside down, we can't go out anywhere we want, do anything we want but I still wouldn't change it for the world.
Wow. Thank you all so much for all your replies. Even TJ's viewpoint is appreciated. It's useful to hear such a spectrum of views, experiences and feelings on this. It's also very reassuring to understand that I/we are not the first or alone in feeling like this.
I have been deeply moved by some of the replies here - thank you.
Congratulations first and foremost. I hope your partner has a healthy pregnancy and a lovely healthy baby. Your life will not be the same again. In my experience it will be better and richer. It will certainly be busier. The truth is, you just get on with it.
Come back and read your post in a year, five years. In my family’s experience kids keep you young. My grandfather was surrounded by them and actively looked after them (including myself quite a lot) from 20 until 90 and he just got on with it too. You don’t really get much choice 😉
Biggest advice, go and get as much support as you can now, friends, family, doctor, citizens advice or whatever they have in Oz.
It's a huge change, so much to fact and so much mental pressure for your GF and yourself, you need real support around you, there's a lot of romanticising it just now, but there's a hell of a long road, a lot of life changes and pressures, for either decision.
For me, i was 39 when my little girl arrived, wife was 36, but we'd wanted kids, medical issues had caused carnage with us over the last decade, so making sacrifices was easy, and i can't put myself in your shoes, you just need some support for both of you to then make a decision on the best way forward for your family, be it 2 or 3, the biggest judge on any decision will be yourselves over the years, so keep on top of whatever decision you make and get that support!
TL;Dr
It's the best thing.
I'm a 68 yr old grandad and we're looking after 2 of our grandsons, both under 3, this week.