If I gave you an enema you'd fit in a matchbox
Too Posh to Poo
You can't spell.
just googled and despite being the mirror there are some hilarious one [url= http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/30-best-ever-put-downs-wittiest-945130 ]here[/url] for anyone interested
If shit were music, you'd be an orchestra.
Someone said you weren't fit to **** pigs the other day. I stuck up for you though, and told them you were.
Your girlfriend told me she needed shagging badly. I told her you were the man for the job.
Who spat in your test-tube?
Got any pistols
'Why are you so fat?'
'Every time I shag your mum, she give me a biscuit'
Google cricket sledging, there's some belters in there...
Don't listen to what everyone else says, I think you're okay.
If brains were dynamite, you couldn't blow your cap off.
You're uglier than a blind welder's bench.
Shame we didn't just leave this after post#2, but since we're going:
The mighty Dennis Skinner, needed the preceeding context but "OK, half the Tory members aren't crooks" was magnificent
A mate and his brothers were being introduced by his old mum to long lost American relatives;
'This is Marcin, he's a Surgeon, this is David, he's a headmaster and this, this is Conrad. Doesn't he have a lovely smile'?
🙂
Who cut you hair? The council?
Two I used in real life as a custody officer, both to pissed up belligerent students
Don't worry son, I remember my first drink.
and
You do know your hairdresser's taking the piss, don't you?
I'd explain it to you but I have neither the time nor the crayons.
Got any pistols
I keep seeing this on here. What is it referring to?
There’s an oft-told story in Ghana — perhaps apocryphal, perhaps not entirely — of Richard Nixon’s visit as vice president in 1957, during the newly born nation’s independence celebrations. Turning to a group of revelers drunk on the emotions of the day, Nixon asked, “How does it feel to be free?”“We wouldn’t know,” came the reply. “We’re from Alabama.”
That's one of the best I know.
got any pistols is still my No1!!! 😆
Churchill being spiteful about Clement Attlee:
"A modest little man with much to be modest about".
And
"An empty car pulled up outside the Houses of Parliament and Attlee got out".
But then he lost the 1945 election to him, so maybe that was the best put-down of all.
You are one load your mother should of swallowed
You smell and your mother dresses you funny.
Also, the last person to insult me could spell phenomenal, and knew the difference between of and have.
I keep seeing this on here. What is it referring to?
http://singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/nearly-had-fisticuffs-this-morning
Can't remember who it was, but one of those bluer comedians, Bernard Manning or Chubby Brown or someone. You know the type that picks on you and gives you a hard time if you get out of your seat to go and have a pee or get a drink. A guy gets up and wanders of, comic says something along the lines of" oi where the **** are you going" guy answers back without breaking stride, " just going to get a drink before the comedian comes on"
"Well stop ******* clapping then"
"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries."
Yer Maws got baws and your dad loves it
Overheard in the works canteen.
"No, I don't want any chips. You don't get a body like this by eating chips!"
"Yep, it's going to take a lot of Sausages too."
Same lad, next time he is trying to loose weight.
"I'm going to have to put a new hole in me belt!"
"Which end?"
In a student house back in the day we had an unpaid lodger on our sofa who showed no intention of leaving and was becoming an increasing PITA as time went on. One day, after about 4-5 months, things came to head so I said to him "Rich, are you going to sort your sh*t out, or are you just going to be a c**t for the rest of your life."
He moved out the next day
Sgt major pokes pace stick into soldiers chest and says " there's a piece of shit on the end of this stick". Soldier looks at it and replies "nothing my end, sir"
I think this comes from the legendary Don Whillans, whilst trying to push some new routes in the mountains. A group of German climbers, after nabbing the first ascent, said to him "Ha, we have beaten you English at your own game!" to which Whillans flatly replied "We beat you at yours. Twice."
"Got any pistols"
🙂
A lad I used to work with was a nice bloke but liked a drink and would frequently be off on a Monday after a drunken weekend. One day the manager asked him "why do you only work 4 days a week?"
The reply - "because I can't live on 3"
i can explain it for you but i can't understand it for you.
keep up the work.
You've got a face like a stuntman's knee
If you want my come back you'll have to scrape it off your mum's teeth
Close, but I think it was actually on the 1972 International expedition to Everest, after they received the result of a W Germany V England football match "We have beaten you at your national game"…I think this comes from the legendary Don Whillans, whilst trying to push some new routes in the mountains. A group of German climbers, after nabbing the first ascent, said to him "Ha, we have beaten you English at your own game!" to which Whillans flatly replied "We beat you at yours. Twice."
Some woman to Churchill "You, sir, are drunk"
Churchill supposedly replied " And you, madam, are ugly. But in the morning, I will be sober"
A lad I used to work with was a nice bloke but liked a drink and would frequently be off on a Monday after a drunken weekend. One day the manager asked him "why do you only work 4 days a week?"The reply - "because I can't live on 3"
Sort of a related answer...
After the SAS Iranian Embassy siege, allegedly in debriefing one of the soldiers was asked why he'd shot a terrorist 18 times.
He answered "I ran out of bullets, sir"
Another Churchill.
"Sir, if you were my husband I'd put poison in your coffee"
"Madam, if you were my wife I'd drink it"
Or words to that effect.
You sound poor.
'Your face'
Drac called me a troll
Solid burn.
I think
[quote=ulysse ]I think
Dunning Kruger 😉
Can you google that for me?
"Would the miniature for sport please stand up please". Dennis Skinner to Colin Moynihan
Thick as mince.
Crazylegs, it was the Gibraltar ambush involving the SAS and IRA
http://www.csmonitor.com/1988/0927/osas.html
'cheers, youv'e been a right laugh, shut the door on your way out'
Rodney Marsh: "Hey, Botham. How's your wife & my kids?"
Botham: "Wife's fine, thanks, but the kids are retarded".
"I remember" - Gough Whitlam
He also took aim at Sir Winton Turbull when the rural MP shouted: 'I am a Country member'. Whitlam quickly responded with 'I remember', which earned an applause from both sides of the house
If wit was shit you would die of constipation.
Johnny Gahagan, ex Motherwell FC winger and boyhood hero, now an after dinner speaker, went to see recently appointed manager Jock Wallace. Asking why he couldn't seem to hold down a regular first team place, he enquired of Mr Wallace "why are you only playing me in the reserves?"
To which the less than sensitive manager replied "because we haven't got a third team, now f#*k off".
Spotted on Twitter, regarding Theresa May:
"She's got the negotiating skills of a crackhead with a broken DVD player in Cash Converters"
Just remember, Jesus loves you...
everyone else thinks your a Cu...
The Churchill ones above: the coffee one is attributed to an exchange with Lady (Nancy) Astor but is believed apocryphal, with no evidence supporting it. The ugly / sober one was an exchange with Bessie Braddock (a Labour MP) and confirmed true by Churchill's bodyguard. However, it is also often attributed (incorrectly) to Lady Astor.
Favourite was when i went to Frankie Boyle at Hammersmith Apollo, some lad was heckling him and he just responded "I don't know what the **** your shouting at, you look like they shaved a monkey and threw it through a branch of Top Shop"!
Guy asks a girl in a bar, "Would you sleep with me for £10 Million?"
Girl looks the guy up and down and says, "Yes!"
Guy says, "Would you sleep with me for £5?"
Girl replies, "No! What do you think I am?"
Calmly the guy responds, "Look, we've established what you are, now we're haggling..."
"Got any pistols..."
Idongeddit..
Please explain!
DrP
One told by Warren Mitchell from when he was touring in Australia. About halfway during the show a bloke walks into the theatre and takes his seat somewhere near the front.
"Where the bloody hell have you been? We're halfway through the show!"
"Ah" says the bloke, "My mate came to watch you last night and said not to bother with the first half as it wasn't any good".
My brother was doing lights for some comedian in teh festival, the guy had a big run of jokes about terrorism and "muzzies". Anyway, halfway through this, a big arab dude stands up and walks out. Comedian says "Can you not take a bit of criticism", the guy shouts back "No, it's just I've finished setting the fuses so..." and then walks out.
Guy asks a girl in a bar, "Would you sleep with me for £10 Million?"
Girl looks the guy up and down and says, "Yes!"
Guy says, "Would you sleep with me for £5?"
Girl replies, "No! What do you think I am?"
Calmly the guy responds, "Look, we've established what you are, now we're haggling..."
I've heard a variation of that that was attributed to Churchill as well.
Not necessarily a put-down of the person in the argument, but a line that killed it.
My Dad had a go at me when I was at school, thought I was 'falling in with the wrong crowd' or some such (I wasn't, but had been partnered with a couple of our class idiots for a project and was being more-or-less forced to hang about with them until the work was done).
Dad: "That Lee lad, he's a bad 'un"
Me: "Dad, Lee isn't ****ing smart enough to be a bad 'un. If he had a brain he'd be dangerous, but he hasn't. I've had yoghurts worse than him..."
For once, my smartarse father had no response.
Geoff Boycott ruefully asked a teammate:
"Why do people take an instant dislike to me?"
Teammate:
"Because it saves time".
I love Stuart Lee talking about Adrian Chiles. Paraphrasing here "that man signed a contract with ITV for six million pounds. When I was younger there was a man called Lee Majors, the six million dollar man. He could outrun a train. Adrian Chiles can't even out walk the cloud of bitter disappointment that follows him around the corridors of ITV.
"Got any pistols..."Idongeddit..
Please explain!
DrP
http://singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/nearly-had-fisticuffs-this-morning
Not proud of this one, but it came out of my mouth before I could stop it. Irritating lads at work was partnered up with a significantly younger, prettier and funnier lass, and lass A was complaining about it bitterly.
Lass A "Oh come on, next to 'X' I look old, fat and ugly"
Me "Oh come on <redacted>, you're not old..."
Cue stifled guffaws from the other people present. I felt a bit bad. But she IS annoying...
Favourite was when i went to Frankie Boyle at Hammersmith Apollo, some lad was heckling
I always liked Billy Connelly's come back to a heckler "Don't tell me how to do my job. I wouldn't come into your work and tell you how to sweep the floor."
Brian Sewell once said of Arthur Negus 'He was someone who knew very little about an awful lot'.
I don't know why but I think Arthur would have felt quite at home here.
I'm sorry but I don't get into arguments with idiots as they tend to drag you down to their level and best you with experience.
'He was someone who knew very little about an awful lot'.
TBF, that's ostensibly me.
I always liked Billy Connelly's come back to a heckler "Don't tell me how to do my job. I wouldn't come into your work and tell you how to sweep the floor."
Jimmy Carr version
"I don’t come to your work and knock the sailors cocks out of your mouth, do I?"
TBF, that's ostensibly me.
Can you Google that for me as well?
Frankie Boyle describing Boris Johnson as "a cross between a head injury and an unmade bed".