[Closed] People with no kids - any regrets?

I'm father of two, a three year old and an 18 month toddler. I regretted having the first (my son) for the first six months of his life.

I was pretty ambivalent about having kids, but my wife wanted them, and I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with her. We were financially (relatively) secure and had space in the house. The pregnancy was a nightmare, morning sickness etc... the birth was traumatic, operating theatre and that. I didn't bond with my son for a long time (as above six months) I thought I'd spend my life bringing up a child I didn't really want or understand. Pretty depressing time to be honest. Hence all the regret None of this I relayed to anyone, just got on with it, it was my duty after all I helped make him.

Not sure what changed, or when, but after six months or so I suddenly realised that I was starting to enjoy spending time with the family, rather than just my wife. There was no epiphany, nothing dramatic, just a gadual realisation over time. Two years later and I wouldn't want for a different life.

Interestingly, my daughter was an accident, unplanned pregnancy. Again it was a traumatic time, my wife spent a few hours in theatre while I had my daughter stuffed up my t-shirt in a maternity ward (skin to skin contact and all that). Maybe it was this, but I've found it a lot easier the second time round, despite being unplanned there were no regrets that time.

Sorry, bit of a tangent there!

To have kids? To not have kids?

It's all a progression through life though isn't it. Some people do it as a family. Some people do it alone.

Yes - having kids means you DO have to give up certain luxuries and activities. [b]If you're not willing to change your life AT ALL[/b], then kids aren't for you.
But life is a place of change - one day you'll get ill, lose a lung, and have to give up shark wrestling or whatever sport you chose as 'yours'. Or not.
But, if you're keen on adventure and entering into the unknown, with the true knowledge that (if you do it right) you'll never lead the same life again, then crack on a pop out a sprog....
A different life needn't be a bad life. The same life isn't always a happy one....

Plus, you still get to explore fresh powder Grum...

DrP

Some interesting posts.
IMO parenthood is a pretty amazing adventure. Nothing I have ever done in my life has ever come close.
It can be as good or bad as you want it to be.

I struggle with long sentences but I regret having kids if that helps...

Seeing as DrP's gone for pics.. we've got the weirdest, funniest, cheekiest 2yr old going..

He has to 'read' when on his potty. No idea where he got it from
[img] [/img]

and on only his third time on a balance bike (bike at all) he can balance with no help..

http://www.flickr.com/photos/30625376@N06/8272214721/in/photostream/

I think either is a valid choice, although I can't really speak about the not having children stance I have friends who have chosen that option.

Luckily being the teenage tear away that I was I haven't got any wistful sentimental thoughts about what it was like before children - as I was 16 when i fell pregnant. And i have no regrets about that either and am pleased i didn't go through the bereavement process of lost freedom and funds that I see many of my friend go through when they have a child later on.

'Children are brillilant' - well no, children are just little people and there is no knowing whether you are going to produce a child you get on with, see eye to eye with or ever really share anything in common. They come fitted their own personalities and the trick is to try and bring the best out in them - and hopefully having fun in the process.

There will be times when it is excruciatingly hard - but they do generally bring more positives that negatives. Although only just getting to that point with one of my brood - who has been hard work since he was a week old,it's slowly getting better 19 years later

As for the parent vs non-parent, i think there's a saying it takes a village to raise a child,and i think a lot of parents and non-parents would be better if they considered that. I am single parent now - but that does not mean i credit myself with single handedly doing everything, there are many people in my childrens lives, with and without children and they all contribute to their upbringing.

'Some people do, some people don't'
I have 2 kids and both are made of what effort you want to put into them. One's at Uni at 19 years old and one is nearly 10 yrs old. Personally, yes it was a very hard time bringing them up. Wife working part time, me doing 6 days a week. Sleepless night for a while and various other growing up issues. But now, its great, love every minute of it. Knowing they are both a part of me and the wife and are happy with their lives. Big holidays and big cars peter out of your lives in no time at all, but children become adults and I hope I can be their best friends for life. I do hate this ' NO, NEVER, HORRIBLE' , who people proclaim towards children. Sometimes I think they are creating a denial for them. Personally i cannot think of any reason why i wouldnt have wanted kids, in fact we looked at adoption and wished we could, but the system was far too long winded and complex sadly.

question for the people with grown-up kids.... are you pleased with the person they've become? feel free to shut your computer down and go and have a cry if they've grown up to be a parking attendant, hipster or BNP member.

A lot of people say 'I miss doing xxxxxx but I wouldn't change it for the world etc' - but you kind of have to say that don't you? Not saying it necessarily applies to people here but it's a big taboo to admit you regret having kids.

I miss skiing, diving, spontaneity, sleep, money and meals out. But it simply doesn't compare with the sheer, unadulterated joy I get from spending time with my daughter.

question for the people with grown-up kids.... are you pleased with the person they've become?

Well yes, of course I'm pleased

[img] [/img]

Ha ha yes - but at 23 and 19 are my grown up ones grown up yet?

My 19 year old son who has been slightly trying to say the least did proclaim that he was my best creation to date the other day - at least it shows he has confidence and a fine sense of humour!

Very proud of all 4 of them, and I am sure they will be just fine. I have made an efforrt to let them mix with real people and the great outdoors more than tv and computer games and that seems to have helped

[img] [/img]

convinced me tbh.. The Duplo stage is dragging a bit though.

I don't regret having kids, just some of the poor choices in who I pregnated.. Despite this they've all turned out great!

The other question is, "can you have kids"?

Its got to be the most frustrating thing in the world, to want kids and be unable to. All you see is horrible teeange chavs who got up the duff with a wink and feel.

6 years of treatment in total and I've got 2 lovely sons. Worth every second of stress, grief and heartache that it took to get there.

Just saying like, if you decide to go for it, some things take time so best get on with it!

Far too ****ing easily ^^

[img] [/img]

I miss skiing, diving, spontaneity, sleep, money and meals out. But it simply doesn't compare with the sheer, unadulterated joy I get from spending time with my [s]daughter[/s]sons.

I've never understood the people that claim their children are perfect and that they've never struggled at some point, especially when they're babies. You should see the looks I've had from people (especially NCT earth mother types) when I've told them I considered smothering my eldest. I never would have done it of course, but 6 months of colic driven sleep deprivation and constant screaming can do funny things to you.

as with a few folk above, we don't have kids. The decision was kind of made for us.
I have the odd, rare, moment of broodiness. That is soon offset by hearing nappy / illness / school / exams stories etc etc etc. On the occasion we 'babysit' we do take delight in going out, having fun and sending them home full of e-numbers 🙂

Seriously? I thought my wife and I were maybe a little weird for not wanting kids, but this thread is suggesting there are others out there too. Where do they hide whenever the conversation comes up again, and again, and again?

My wife is adamant that she never wants kids, I don't really mind either way. We have it understood that if I change my mind, I will have to find another woman to have kids with.

We're both 30, have been together 12 years, and have been completely open about our feelings the whole time, so no nasty surprises.

Have a 2 friends who are going through painful trying to have kids or IVF, which is not a nice situation for them - it sounds full of stress and pressure.
Also have a couple of friends who will being giving birth this year, and I'll be interested to see how they get on. Quite happy to babysit occasionally.

Genuine Q, please.

Are children really [i]that[/i] expensive ?.

We have it understood that if I change my mind, I will have to find another woman

woohoo, ticket to ride! 😛

Solo - Member
Genuine Q, please.

Are children really that expensive ?.

Childcare is, the wife taking a year off when first born is... The actual upkeep of a child, not too much... less than my hobbies of MTbs and motorbikes that's for sure.

when I've told them I considered smothering my eldest. I never would have done it of course

Anyone who denies this is a liar...

i wish some of you babysitters lived near me.... Me and Mrs weeksy went out a couple of weeks ago on our own... for the first time in 15 months.

It's crap not having family nearby.

In my opinion life is richer for having children. Imagine the pleasure you get from riding the best alpine flowing trail, on the perfect day, then multiplying that by a number so high, it hasnt yet been quantified! That is the feeling you get everytime you come in the door of your house, and your toddler comes running into your arms shouting daddyyyyyy.

After having this, I can't understand why anyone would not want it! It's damn hard work, but worth it 🙂

Genuine Q, please.
Are children really that expensive ?.

Yes but No, before child we had perhaps quarterly city breaks to Barcelona/Paris, We drank more wine, We smoked, We went to the theatre/cinema, bought CD's and dined out far more than we do now.

So when you factor in the amount you actually save when having a child it has pretty much balanced itself out, I don't earn a great deal being a self employed designer but we were able to afford the missus having a years maternitiy and she's going back part time. and I've just about to spaff a load of money on a new plastic 29er so they can't be that bad.

My first two were relatively cheap initially, then i went to uni and got a 'proper' job. took 11 months off after baby 3 and then 9 months after baby 4. tried to minimise childcare costs by doing 4 working days in 3 actual days, but when i totted up the total childcare bill when the nursery time was over it was about 60k!

Other than that they are generally reasonable until the wants for christmas' and birthdays get more expensive and they realise what a label is, as much as you try to stop it it does happen.

Oh yes and when they hit the age where you stop worrying if they eat enough and start worrying they will actually eat the fridge - the food bill does shoot up

i don't believe the world will be a friendlier, better, more secure place than it is now

I do. I caught a bit of Location Location Location or some such whilst flicking through channels the other day, it featured a gay couple. I'm constantly reminded of how far we've progressed when you look back through history, even 20 o 30 years. Kids now don't have the security of a local factory job for life (re the Buying British thread of yesterday) but they do have amazing opportunities to do stuff that would never have been possible in my parents' generation, for most people.

I went to America for three weeks whilst at uni, on a shoestring. The River Taff has Salmon in it. I'm talking to you all over the internet whilst working at home. I've got a facebook window open with my overseas family telling me about their lives and people campaigning for things, publicising themselves and generally making something of life. There are six different nationalities in my immediate neighbours and we all get along well.

[i]Childcare is, the wife taking a year off when first born is...[/i]

Hhmm. Now, although in my 40s, I may be up for a bit of parenthood. But financial struggle would be a hassle. However, I can't help but wonder how people "cut their cloth" to suit their needs.
From your remark there, I can't help but think that the year off was a year's wage lost ? and that this was an issue.
I guess what I'm thinking is I'd probably accept spending less in other areas in order to finance the child, rather than rely on two strong incomes to [i]have it all[/i].

And I'm not criticizing anyone, I'm just wondering about the remarks made by a few, on how expensive children are / can be.
Is it a fact or more a choice on how much they cost you ?.

I have a nephew and he is now brand aware, but no matter how much he may protest, he only gets what his mother can afford.

when I've told them I considered smothering my eldest. I never would have done it of course

Anyone who denies this is a liar...

Absolutely - eldest son, during the screaming baby, tantrum throwing toddler and obnoxious teenager phases ...

Solo: Kids are not expensive if you don't need childcare. You buy a few hundred quid's worth of gear up front, then you either get given second hand clothes or get them from ebay for buttons. Then it's just a bit of extra food. The extra laundry is the biggest ballache.

You do need to accept second hand stuff though, and be wary of manufacturers taking you for a ride, which they will try to do.

Genuine Q, please.

Are children really that expensive ?.

In my case.. the older they get.. the more expensive they get !

Grum, it has to be a personal decision and something you both want. You will never know how you will feel if/when children arrive as it so personal and no one else can tell you how you feel. From my perspective, children are the most precious blessing that one can have, but I say that with care as it is not meant to be loaded with any sort of value-judgment, but can be easily interpreted as such.

Life does change - massively. Its up to you how you react to that. Yes, there are sacrifices but in my mind they are outweighed by the benefits. But our own habits change as we get older and it would be a pity to worry too much about current lifestyles when those will change with or without children.

To come back to you skiing/snowboarding passion. There is a lot of fun in teaching your kids, then skiing/boarding with them, then watching them leave you behind. As frustrating as the last bit might be at the time, its is a great pleasure in truth...

...good luck with your decision!

p.s. the cost, effort and sacrifices rise geometrically with each child. Ignore those who claim otherwise!! 😉

I get the idea that some people don't want kids. Cool, don't have 'em. What I think is a mistake is when people think they do want kids but not yet, because they're still enjoying snowboarding holidays in term-time, they're not where they want to be professionally / financially yet, whatever.

Thing is, there will always be a reason why now's not yet the right time, there's always another year of holidays, there's always that promotion or new job to strive towards, there's always going to be the desire to move to a better area or have a bigger house where you are now.

If you're gonna do it, get on and do it, don't wait until tomorrow / next year / the lottery numbers come in.

Solo - Member
Childcare is, the wife taking a year off when first born is...

Hhmm. Now, although in my 40s, I may be up for a bit of parenthood. But financial struggle would be a hassle. However, I can't help but wonder how people "cut their cloth" to suit their needs.
From your remark there, I can't help but think that the year off was a year's wage lost ? and that this was an issue

Some was lost.. some was on maternity at a reduced rate.

We sold the wifes Ducati before he was born to fund it.... She now has a Yamaha R1 after a couple of years of shit bikes...

It wasn't a mmajor issue.. but we are more fortunate than some i admit.

I always really wanted kids, but sadly have yet to find a person to have them with. Now in my early 40's so it's unlikely to happen now. No nieces or nephews either and all my old friends are now married with kids so they all do the family days out things together. Being single is OK, having no single friends when you are single sucks.

On the plus side I have a garage full of bikes and I get to do what I want when I want. But the grass is always greener etc. etc.

What I think is a mistake is when people think they do want kids but not yet, because they're still enjoying snowboarding holidays in term-time, they're not where they want to be professionally / financially yet, whatever.

Well, I think I probably don't want kids - am I allowed to carry on enjoying my snowboarding holidays please? 🙂

To come back to you skiing/snowboarding passion. There is a lot of fun in teaching your kids, then skiing/boarding with them, then watching them leave you behind. As frustrating as the last bit might be at the time, its is a great pleasure in truth...

Yeah I can certainly imagine that. I suppose I am just wary of the idea of 'living through your kids' which is how it can sometimes appear to be (not saying this about you, just something I've observed generally).

Kids are great,you really can't beat 'em.......which kind of takes the fun out of having them..............

My kids never run into my arms when I get home from work 🙁

They are usually hiding and I have to go and 'find' them under a cushion or a table or behind a chair or something 🙂

The Duplo stage is dragging a bit though.

^ This. Bored of building Princess castles.

One other benefit of kids: when I'm out and about with my daughter, pretty women smile at me a lot.

Shallow, moi?

Shallow, moi?

I thought having kids was meant to stop you being shallow? 🙂

pretty women smile at me a lot.

I thought having kids was meant to stop you being shallow?

It hasn't worked so far.

I don't think anyone can answer this Q but the individual in question - and they may never know 100%