I can understand this, but recently I realised that I'm looking forward to living my life through them. Sounds cheesy I know, but my aim in life is no longer to get that next promotion, or go on that nice holiday, it's to make sure that my kids are in the best position to live their lives as well as they can. By that I don't necessarily mean financially (although that is part of it), more that they are better prepared for whatever life brings their way and that I can give them the best advice possible. By helping them to learn from my experiences I suppose I'll be living my life through them to some degree as I'll take pleasure in whatever they experience.I suppose I am just wary of the idea of 'living through your kids' which is how it can sometimes appear to be
(I'm not naive enough to believe that they'll necessary accept or heed my advice, but they'll get it none the less!)
@op there must be a nagging doubt in your mind or you wouldn't have posted
Our little one arrived when I was 44. We were never on a mission at all, but up she popped and it's great having her here, she's very welcome and she's more fun than I or probably you could have imagined.
But you have to be ready in your head. If you're not it would be the toughest thing in the world, and unfair on the child too.
I certainly wouldn't recommend having one just to avoid the possibility you might regret it if you didn't! That would be a fairly negative motivation.
Are children really that expensive ?.
Only when they're still living with you in their 30s because the only house they can afford is one they built on Minecraft.
[i]rise geometrically[/i]
THM.
Sir !, I salute you !. Oh, the times I read or hear people describe it as exponential !. Does my OCD reet in.
[i]pretty women smile at me a lot.[/i]
Dude, that happens to me anyway.
Its been part of the reason I'm in my 40s and childless.
But thats probably for another thread.
😉
[i]I certainly wouldn't recommend having one just to avoid the possibility you might regret it if you didn't! That would be a fairly negative motivation.[/i]
I'm not 100% sure I need to, but part of me feels as though I'm read now.
And, I feel that its just one of those things in life you have to do to know about it.
I think people think everything through too much.....Just have one & if you don't get on with,sell it & have a nice holiday,bike or car with the money.......
[i]I think people think everything through too much.....Just have one & if you don't get on with,[s]sell it & have a nice holiday,bike or car with the money[/s].......send them to boarding school[/i]
I've got a couple of little boys and TBH my life before them seems like a total waste of time.
I totally respect people's decisions not to, but I don't really understand them.
Not having children seems like the safe option, barring medical reasons. I'm sure it's not and someone will be along to correct me but it seems that way. Also the couples and individuals I know who don't have them are at great pains to tell me how it's a decision they are happy with and then make a huge fuss of my lads. I detect a lot of sadness in some, not all, of them.
We never wanted kids. We were out on the razz most nights of the week, and would party all weekend long.
A contraception fail, and both us grew up sharpish.
Two kids now, and no regrets. In fact if not for the kids I think I might not be here. We certainly lost a couple of friends who never stopped partying.
tell me how it's a decision they are happy with and then make a huge fuss of my lads. I detect a lot of sadness in some, not all, of them.
Yeah I see that in my brother-in-law. Him and his wife made a huge fuss of their 5 nieces and nephews when we went to see them in LA over Christmas and I couldn’t help but notice when he said 'well we couldn’t have them now if we wanted to’ (he has had the snip) and there certainly seemed to be a tone of regret in his voice.
One thing, having kids makes you wonder what the **** you did with all your time before you had them!
I didn't think I would be able to have kids but it happened and wasn't really too happy about it. I literally WTFU and threw my heart and soul into bringing up two kids.
It was an amazing experience, bloomin' hard work having two close together though! I developed as a person and I guess it's what has made me what I am now.
They're grown up now, I have a good relationship with my son but my daughter hasn't wanted anything to do with me for 3 years.
I do genuinely believe in choice, it's just not right for everyone.
[i]One thing, having kids makes you wonder what the **** you did with all your time before you had them![/i]
😆
A lack of [i]Me time[/i] is showing to be a common theme amongst all you parents.
🙂
Also the couples and individuals I know who don't have them are at great pains to tell me how it's a decision they are happy with and then make a huge fuss of my lads. I detect a lot of sadness in some, not all, of them.
It's probably something to do with constantly being questioned by other people as to why they don't have kids. Having to justify yourself over and over again is very wearing.
[i]I do genuinely believe in choice, it's just not right for everyone.[/i]
Possibly, but with the caveat that we're never the same person all our lives. We change as we age (hopefully).
I feel as if I'd be a better parent now than when I was a younga Man.
No kids, never been interested in having them and life's fine and complete and I have no regrets about it. There's some patronising rubbish on this thread about how life's incomplete without kids.
There's some patronising rubbish on this thread about how life's incomplete without kids.
I don’t think it is meant to be patronising, it is just how being a parent makes people feel.
I feel as if I'd be a better parent now than when I was a younga Man.
I think I am (tho a different parent would probably be more accurate really).
A lot of people on the "no or not decided" side of the fence talk a lot about restrictions, limitations, having to give things up.
It really doesn't feel like that to me. I don't even notice. Whether that's really the case, or it's just my brain tricking me (we're evolved to do this) I don't know, tho the result is the same.
I know couples who have kids who are happy and some who are not.
I know couples who don't have kids and are unhappy and some who are not.
My advice would be to make you decision on your/your partner's wants/feelings/whatevers and NOT on anyone else's.
[i]My advice would be to make you decision on your/your partner's wants/feelings/whatevers and NOT on anyone else's.[/i]
Fairly obvious, but its been a good thread, imo.
🙂
I think you live the life you think is best for you. If you are lucky you will manage to be happy for much of it. I don't think there is any component* that guarantees you happiness or satisfaction. Do what feels right.
FWIW my wife always said no to children, then changed her mind because she knew I wanted them (there was no pressure from me). It worked out OK for us.
* Not children anyway. Possibly a carbon framed Lapierre Zesty.
There's some patronising rubbish on this thread about how life's incomplete without kids.
Its not meant to be patronising. And you should pity us. Its just that having kids turns you into a right soppy bloody girlchild! I don't know whether its your mad paternal hormones, or what? But Its bloody embarrassing at times, believe me!!!
How on earth are you meant to keep any kind of decorum, when you inexplicably burst into tears watching Rolfs Animal Hospital. Awwwwwwwwwww... the puppy's got a thorn in his paw.....
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH 😥
I do notice the stuff I've given up. I gave up some stuff when I got married, and I've given up more with kids.
My wife like some light outdoor stuff but isn't a hardcore biker, mountaineer, explorer or anything like that. So whilst she never prevented me from doing anything, I didn't end up going on expeditions because I wanted to spend time with her and make her happy. She wouldn't have stopped me going off to wherever for a week, but I would have missed her a lot.
Likewise with the kids. I'm reduced to snatching short training rides here and there when I can, but it's all part of the project and that'll ease up later in life. My aim is to make sure it does, at any rate.
what binners said. I blub at the drop of a hat now.
I don’t think it is meant to be patronising, it is just how being a parent makes people feel.
Being a parent makes people smug and patronising? I don't need any help with that TBH. 🙂
I dunno, there is a bit of a hint here of some people thinking they are somehow superior to those who don't have kids, or that having kids is somehow a noble higher calling free from base selfishness etc.
I don't see it that way - if you want to be cynical people have kids to fulfil basic biological urges - nowt noble about that (not saying it's wrong either).
Having kids is selfish - it's saying 'my dna is soooo good that it's my duty to bequeath it to future generations.
For me I don’t feel like I don’t get to do what I want to anymore, more that it makes me experience things I wouldn’t have done before.
Like:
Go camping (with my wife rather than at a 24hr bike race)
Going to Disneyland
Softplay
Birthday Parties
Dens
Make-believe
Hugs
Making cakes and buns
Sunday morning pancakes
Watch childrens’ films such as Toy Story, Mary Poppins etc
And lots more besides...
EDIT: And I can’t wait for them to go to school (September) so I can hear about the things they have learned that day, see them in nativity plays, go to parent / teacher meetings...
binners - Member
But Its bloody embarrassing at times, believe me!!!How on earth are you meant to keep any kind of decorum, when you inexplicably burst into tears watching Rolfs Animal Hospital. Awwwwwwwwwww... the puppy's got a thorn in his paw.....
Binners thats just you 😆
I don't decry anyone for not having kids, but for those comparing their thoughts, feelings and opinions of other people's kids with how they would feel about their own, it is very very different. I don't much like other people's kids, whereas my own is the single greatest thing that has ever existed, ever.
Having kids is selfish - it's saying 'my dna is soooo good that it's my duty to bequeath it to future generations.
What if your DNA really is that good though? 😉
I can't believe people have them in this day and age. Species going extinct everywhere, rivers and oceans polluted, industrial levels of farming required to sustain the population, energy, water, and other resource wars in the future.
It's pretty arrogant and selfish IMO. What's the stats for nappies alone? 3000 in the landfill per child I think. Something ridiculous anyway. The friends I know who have them lead the most dull lives. Racing around in the SUV to pick up the little darlings from school so they can get to dance class etc. All that investment and when they reach teenage years they can't stand you.
A mugs game IMO. Don't let your genes con you into it.
s, Biology innit. Looking at your own child floods you with dopamine, other kids, nothing -> you see them as the annoying odd looking things you KNOW yours aren't. You can experience this after extended interaction with neices & nephews etc but it's difficult to describe.
@JCL then just when you need a bit of help in payback they shove you into a retirement home in Bulgaria, flog the house and disappear off to Miami
I am the eldest of five children (I've got four younger sisters - 😯 ), raised by a frankly incredible mother. Even now, I don't know how she managed it.
I don't want kids - I don't feel especially qualified to bring anybody into this world and (biology aside, ha) I struggle to imagine the circumstances inwhich it would happen. I'm a single bloke in my mid-thirties, and (outside my job), I do whatever the fug I want. But there's no point debating the merits of such a decision: it's like being in Love - if you're in it, it's real. If you ain't, so what?
A lack of Me time is showing to be a common theme amongst all you parents.
To be honest, people who end up losing all their "me time" tend to be the ones who whinge on about it most. I know plenty of parents who manage to do lots of fun stuff. And lots who don't. They were roughly as shit or good at time management before having kids too.
I don't much like other people's kids, whereas my own is the single greatest thing that has ever existed, ever.
Hmmm - you do know that your kid isn't actually anything special and you're just blinded by a biological connection don't you? Again, not sure I want to get so blinkered and obsessed with something based on primeval urges to procreate. 🙂
Grum - I am sure he knows that, I think irony was in his post.
We're all special grum. Even you.
I know plenty of parents who manage to do lots of fun stuff. And lots who don't. They were roughly as shit or good at time management before having kids too.
Worth quoting as possibly the only thing I'll ever agree with Darcy about.
I reckon the cross-over age when you do more because you have kids to do things with rather than pass up things they can't be involved with is about seven.
It's pretty arrogant and selfish IMO
Would you call your parents that?
If you're right, no-one should have kids and the human race would be extinct. Would the Earth be a better place without humans? It would simply be full of other species who would take over the world and mould it for themselves if only they knew how.
Life is selfish, and without life the Earth is a floating rock. So really, who cares if we live on it or not? Given our biological makeup it makes more sense to care about those close to you. And having kids is an excellent way to have people close to you.
Now I'm not saying that everyone needs kids, but it's not particularly selfish to have two. Having 15 is a bit daft mind.
Hmmm - you do know that your kid isn't actually anything special and you're just blinded by a biological connection don't you? Again, not sure I want to get so blinkered and obsessed with something based on primeval urges to procreate.
Hate to suggest this Grum - but perhaps most of your (and everybody's!) behaviours have a fairly "primeval" basis...!
No kids, now in my mid-40's and never had any regrets. I don't dislike children, but I have never enjoyed playing etc with them. I don't think I'm selfish, and life isn't all one big snowboarding party 🙂 but I do enjoy having the freedom to go out onto the hills and wander for as long as I want to, or to have a quiet evening reading etc
One thing that never gets mentioned by people who are thinking of having children (or very annoyingly telling me "you'll change your mind ...") is the possibility of having a child with disabilities. It can happen to anyone, and the impact will change your life, and that of everyone around you. My brother was born with severe disabilities, and 40 years on my mother is still caring for a "child" (including all those basic toilet functions you think you'll only be doing for a couple of years). He needs 24 hour / 7 day a week care.
He is the most important person in my life, and I love him to bits, but I do think he has had a massive, and at times extremely difficult effect on all our family. And it never ends. Caring for my brother has dominated my mother's entire life, and that responsibility is now transferring to us, his siblings.
My only advice to others is that having children is everyone's personal decision, but never ever take it lightly, and be prepared for whatever the consequences might be - even when they can last for your entire lifetime.
I struggle with long sentences but just do what feels right for you. Kids are as huge a commitment as there is but if you want them then they are awesome. I can only imagine a much less fulfilled life for me if I hadn't had mine but it's different for everyone. Right now it seems they get less hard work as they grow up but increasingly expensive, esepcially under this Govt! I'd only have spent the money on toys, holidays and wimmin anyway.....
I can't help but wonder if the subject and timing of this thread might be a bit inappropriate. Maybe it's just me?
I met my lady at 34 & married her at 37. Three weeks before we got married she dropped the bombshell that she wanted a kid.
This was inspite of her saying she didn't want kids at all. I tried to want a child but no matter how much I tried it just forced me into a deeper funk. Eventually I resorted to a councillor to save my marriage and try and get things straight in my head.
I won't bore you with details but at 39 I became a dad. And all those fears turned out to be stoopid. It may be frustrating at times but the rewards are way bigger than I could ever imagine. Nothing could prepare me for the amount of laughing I do and the pride that every little bit of progress brings.
Having said all that 'what you've never had, you'll never miss'.
The really wierd thing is that more often than you'd expect you don't mind missing that bike ride. Especially when it involves taking the little bugger out on his balance bike 🙂
