[Closed] Parenting advice needed - racist child

FFS....he's SEVEN!!!!

He could have friends with these views, and they are polluting his.

Take this opportunity to show him some of the great black role models there have been in history, so he has other information with which to adjust his views.

Conversely also show him some of the terrible white personalities from history.

Like a personal "Horrible Histories" lesson.

Massive over reaction. He's 7, he's picked this up from someone else. All that was needed was a chat asking why he said that and then an explanation as to why it was wrong. All could have been done with no histrionics and no excessive punishments. Banning from football and beavers for 2 weeks? Please. Oh, and did you really call your son a little bastard?

He has had the xbox taken away and banned from Beavers and football for a fortnight.

Both football and Beavers are very positive activities, especially in the context of learning about and understanding 'other people', and developing important social skills. I don't understand the logic of withdrawing those as a punishment, I think you have over reacted but with good intentions.

I had this but with sexism, and a slightly older boy. I simply explained firmly it was wrong and led by example, repeating the message over the coming weeks and being observant. I commanded enough respect and authority that it didn't need 'punishment'. Not a dig, but something to think about. In my view if punishments are needed for minor attitude adjustments, there are bigger issues.

Massive over reaction. He's 7, he's picked this up from someone else. All that was needed was a chat asking why he said that and then an explanation as to why it was wrong. All could have been done with no histrionics and no excessive punishments. Banning from football and beavers for 2 weeks? Please. Oh, and did you really call your son a little bastard?

Quite! (And.... I'm not known as a tolerant Dad!)

FFS....he's SEVEN

I have no issue with an "excessive punishment"[its not] for a racist outburst but i dont think your son is a racist and I applaud you for taking the right steps to ensure this remains the case.

I expect my children to understand racism is never acceptable and they have understood this from an early age

what is the relevance of this ? are you saying a 7 year old cannot learn or understand ? That only happens with adults on the internet.

Did I say a seven year old cannot learn or understand? Go back to sleep Junky.

Morrissey could pen a song about him?

Has he seen the Simpsons movie?

Maybe you remember the time your (White) three-year-old told his (Black) babysitter that he was glad his skin was “nicer than hers” or the time your five-year-old shouted that the (dark-skinned Latino) man at the end of the grocery aisle had “dirty skin”. At that moment maybe you wanted to shrink away in horror, disown your first-born, and forget the myths of blissful parenthood. What was going on there? How did you perfectly delightful, well-meaning, angel of a child, whom you’d raised to be so polite and socially-appropriate, suddenly take on the shape and sound of a raving racist? If you are like most parents, your child certainly never heard you say something like that.

Or maybe you are one of the parents, like many who enter my laboratory at Yale and like my closest friends and relatives, who explain that your child is definitely not aware of race—in fact, your child is that very product of Dr. King’s vision—able to treat others based on character rather than skin color.

In my experience as a developmental psychologist, White parents tend to fall into these two camps—those who recall in horror embarrassing incidents in which their children made racist comments to strangers or loved ones—and those who are certain their children are colorblind. In reality, our studies suggest neither portrayal is quite right. In fact, children are not blind to race. Instead, like all of us, they notice differences, seeing that some people have darker or lighter skin or curlier or straighter hair than others. What’s more they notice that these features of people’s faces, hair, and bodies seem to mean something because in nearly all towns they predict (to a lesser or greater extent) the neighborhoods people live in, the places they shop, and the cars they drive. White children often learn very quickly, that simple questions or comments about these observations are shut down, stopped, and hushed with incredible velocity. Children become aware that this topic must be important because unlike their other questions, these ones go unanswered and leave their parents with looks of worry.

As evidence, Rebecca Bigler and her colleagues at UT-Austin found that nearly all White mothers in their research study adopted a “colormute”/ “colorblind” approach when discussing a book that was either directly or indirectly about race with their 4-5 year old children; most chose not to discuss race at all. (In case you wonder why I’m focusing on White parents here, previous work has demonstrated that as opposed to White parents, parents of minority children in the U.S., do talk about race and ethnicity quite regularly.)

Now you might be asking yourself—why not avoid talking about race—after all most of us don’t want our children obsessing with the concept. Well there are many reasons, but one of the most persuasive to me has been recent work showing that children often come to their own (sometimes worrying) conclusions about race and if they think they can’t discuss them with us, then these theories do not get checked. After all, children are smart and inquisitive and as such are trying to understand the world around them. As they do so, they often create explanations for why things are the way they are.

Another study by Dr. Bigler demonstrated how children’s logic in trying to understand race can go awry. In a study conducted in 2006 (published in 2008) before Obama was a candidate for president, Bigler and her team asked a group of 5-10 year old children why they thought all 43 presidents to date were White. She offered possible explanations and a whopping 26% of children endorsed the statement that Blacks could not be president because it was presently (in 2006) illegal! It’s doubtful anyone taught their children that it was illegal in 2006 for a Black person to be president, however children, reasonably I might add, searched the world for a possible reason why this would happen. How could 43 presidents in a row all be from the same racial background?! Certainly illegality would explain such a disparity. Thus not talking about race with your kids can result in surprisingly problematic views about race. (For surprising kid logic in domains outside of race, check out my favorite episode of This American Life).

What’s more, decades of research suggests that even if parents are not talking about race, children are noticing it, so avoidance will not make it go away. By 3 or 4 years of age, White children in the U.S., Canada, Australia and Europe show preferences for other White children. For example, while parents of children in the storybook study above predicted that their children would show no race bias, the children did on average tend to favorite Whites to Blacks. Results like these demonstrate that those very same White children whose parents insist their children do not see race, walk into research labs across the world and, when presented with a line-up of possible friends, are quick to select the White ones rather than the Black, Asian, Hispanic, or Indigenous ones.

So how do we get our kids to be non-racist if avoiding talking about it is not the solution? Well one thing’s for sure—your kids pay attention to who is around them and who you spend your time with. Bigler’s storybook study mentioned above finds that the 4-5 year old children of parents who have more diverse friends show less racial bias than the children of parents who have less diverse friends. What is more, a study done by Bar-Haim and colleagues in 2006, showed that growing up in a multi-racial environment versus a mono-racial one produced differences in race-based responding in children only 3-months of age! This and other work suggests that one clear thing parents can do is to not just talk about race and challenge children’s assumptions, but model through their own behavior, the importance of interracial interactions and relationships.

- Psychology Today

In other words, want your child to be less racist OP? Have more black friends, you subconciously racist bastard lol.

We don't tell our kids off unless they knowingly do something bad. If a kid has no idea what he's done then there's no point in all those sanctions. You're just going to make him miserable.

You have to explain why it's wrong and what it means to say those things. THEN if he still does it knowingly, you take steps.

Exactly. I also stand by my opinion that the punishment is massively over the top.

Maybe sign him up to a far right group so he can see what utter dickheads white people can be.

Do UKIP allow such young members?

TomW1987 - very interesting article.
fwiw my 4/yo little boys best friend has different colour skin to him.
It's been fascinating listening to them, talking to each other,about their differences.They seem happy that people are different.
He still calls her "stinky" though. 🙂

Reading this thread makes me appreciate I've got all this within the four walls of our house, so it's easy for our kids to appreciate "differences".

I've had to discuss my son referring to his friend as the "fat one". It wasn't done maliciously, so I just politely educated him that some times people get upset about you referring to them in a way that's different to others, "fat" being one of them. You have top be careful, otherwise how do you start to describe a person if you've removed all ability for a child to use any of the obvious descriptors? So imagine if they can't talk about size, colour, height, gender, hair colour - and then ask them - " so who is Matthew then?" It falls to common sense for the parents and education for the kids IMO.

My 8 year old got in trouble at school for calling another kid 'fat'

Yet when I complained when a kid called him 'gay'; I was over-reacting as they are 'just kids'

Schools are so wrapped up in singling out why people look different, they give not a toss if someone is singled out for any other reason.

Superficial and shortsighted

All schools, or just that particular one Scott?

Maybe sign him up to a far right group so he can see what utter dickheads white people can be.

I don't think being a dick is limited to white people!