My mum was in hospital and they decided that she can't swallow. They reckon that her arteries to her brain are furred up meaning she has no idea what's going on.
They took her off the drip on Friday afternoon and since then she's not had any food or drink.
She has the occasional morphine injection. They won't put her on a syringe driver until she has endured some more horrific experiences.
She is awake, moaning and reaching for me.
I assumed they would whack her full of drugs and she would slip away.
Instead she is just left to starve to death and given relief when the " protocol" allows.
Is there any steps I can take to override the form fillers to give her a few moments of comfort?
You need to speak to her Ned consultant who is responsible for her care. Their name should be on the board above her bed. Good luck
Sounds very much like MIL TBH. Syringe driver given very late and it wasn't connected correctly. We were there 24/7 so had to call nurses when she got agitated to administer some more morphine. It took over a week for her to pass and it was horrific. You'll find she will have some moments of clarity. MIL came round and told her niece that it was about time she got married whilst they were doing goodbyes over the phone. You knew she wasn't there as such as her eyes were black.
What a horrible situation to be in. I feel for you.
When my Dad was at end of life his care home in conjunction with the doctors put him on what was known as the Gold Pathway protocol, which included regular injections which 'might' hasten the end of life. No food or drink just occasional moistening of the lips and tongue. They had to ask us for permission to start the Gold Pathway as we had POA for health and welfare. But it did ease his passing and we were glad of it.
Perhaps the hospital has something similar.
Sorry to hear this Zippykona and sorry I can't be of assistance, speaking as one who witnessed my father-in-law's and a good friend's passing we certainly seem to have end of life care very much wrong in this country currently. I sincerely hope your mum can be given the relief she clearly needs.
So sorry to hear this, Zippykona. Maybe give Marie Curie a call on 0800 0902309. They are a specialist end-of-life advice charity who will be able to help you. I would say drawing the attention of the palliative care team to the fact she is agitated and moaning - a clear indicator of pain/discomfort in a non-communicative patient - should trigger a discussion about increasing her pain relief, even if that has the side effect of hastening her death.
Look after yourself.
It's ****ing sick and we treat animals better.
Sorry you're going through this mate. It's still raw for me.
Sorry to hear this zippy.
My colleague has just been through this last week - they did indeed pump her mother full of morphine on a driver quickly, but her mother had broken hip in a fall. Still took a few days 🙁
It's a terrible time Zippy. Thoughts to you.
It seems hospitals take a different path to dying at home.
My 89 yr old mum went in at Easter with pneumonia and pleurisy - the hospital kept her alive, patched her up and sent her home 3 weeks later. Alive, but not well and a bag of bones. I hate to say it but they'd ticked all the boxes but at many points it seemed better if they'd just let her pass away.
A couple of weeks later she went downhill again but refused to go back to hospital. Dr's surgery became more involved, knew how things were going to pan out and sent a bag of end-of-life drugs to the house and arranged carers as well.
A couple of days later we called the paramedics out as she had deteriorated - he did all his checks, checked the ReSPECT form, and asked us if we were comfortable with him administering the drugs. He was great, did the injections and an hour or so later she passed surrounded by family. It was a close to assisted dying as you could get but the calmness of her passing made up for the horrible time she had spent in hospital.
Mum has had some more morphine and that has made her comfortable. The oxi whatever they gave her this morning didn't do a thing. The syringe driver should be fitted today.
She is fast asleep now and looks healthier than she has been in ages.
3 parents in one year. Roll on 2026.
Is she still in hospital? If so ask to speak to the palliative care team. If that gets you no joy then I’d raise a complaint with the Patient Advice and Liaison Service (PALS) team.
Mum has had some more morphine and that has made her comfortable. The oxi whatever they gave her this morning didn't do a thing. The syringe driver should be fitted today.
She is fast asleep now and looks healthier than she has been in ages.
3 parents in one year. Roll on 2026.
Sorry, posted my reply before I read your post.
Sounds like a step in the right direction. Don’t be scared to ask them to increase the strength of the syringe driver if you feel that they need to.
Can't help, but just sorry you're having such a crap time.
Exactly what Squirrel said. My thoughts are with you & your family.
A truly awful time for you and your family, having seen it with FiL a couple of years ago. I hope she passes peacefully for all your sakes.
I'm sorry to hear this my FiL is in palliative/end of life stage (oesophageal cancer) can't eat, probably managed 200-300ml liquid a day. Doc said he has max of 8 days left.
At home, doesn't want to die in hospital. Twice daily nurse visits, morphine pump, antiemetic driver, and a tablet to ease pain/agitation.
It's taking a lot of nagging to get here. Macmillan no help as he refused treatment that prolonged his suffering so their help cannot be engaged. So it's family and district nurses. GP totally useless prescribing tablet form antibiotics when he was in hospital as nil by mouth.
It's frustrating as we've just put our dog out of his misery, with a liver tumour. FiL has been crying that he just wants to die every day for the last 10days
There were times when we thought MIL would go, but the hospital staff have to intervene, which then meant she improved enough to last another year or so, but quality of life deteriorated with each admission. FIL passed at home but we had issues with one of the daughters not wanting him to take the morphine - she admitted some years later she was wrong. He went peacefully, although a little longer.
It's horrendous to watch, and the end of life protocol does vary by hospital. We had to have a lot of meetings with the team to discuss increase of dosage, they were incredibly cautious. Remember, don't panic or flap about, and make sure things are peaceful - same 'daughter' kept fussing over her mum, then saying she was about to die and started singing hymns, which only agitated her mum as she could hear the commotion. I ended up telling her, outside the room, that she was agitating her mum and she wasn't at the 'passing stage'. She didn't die for a few more days.
Remember to look after yourselves and take breaks.
Sorry to read this . Both my parents died in the last couple of years my dad quickly and my mum slowly but with good pain management. I hope something can be done to reduce her suffering.
Edit good advice from Fossy
Been through this twice this year, My Mum died in April, MIL in September. Both under palliative care plans.
Both were on morphine drivers by the end, but there was quite a difference in capacity and conditions between them. MIL was talking until the day before and enduring significant pain for several months with COPD and an oesophageal tumour. My mum was on the driver for several weeks, not eating, barely drinking and was non-verbal, having had a stroke 2 years earlier, and with progressing dementia.
My Mum was at home with my Dad very much in charge, MIL was in a Hospice (for 3 days) having been living with us for 7 years, neither wanted to be in a hospital at the end...
All you can do is be there, and keep asking for re-assesment of the pain management.
Stay strong OP, I know it's not a pleasant experience.
This is timely.....
Feel for you, OP.
On the orders of his doctor my old man went into hospital yesterday with suspected heart failure and/or sepsis.... Got his GP to write out a DNR letter. He's 83, has severe COPD and had a rotten cold the last 7 weeks that hasn't budged.
Waiting on news from my sister as to whether or not I need to make the trip back over to the UK....
Mate of mine in Germany recently went down the assisted dying route for his dad. Dad had the onset of dementia and didn't want to end up in a home. Mate organised everything via a charity. They provided a lawyer to cover his arse and a doctor who provided the necessary drugs.
Massive respect to all involved.
Mum got her syringe driver last night and she looks totally comfortable. The nurses repositioned her with no repose at all. Merely stroking her hair caused her pain before.
Why they couldn’t put her straight on the driver I don’t know.
Interesting to read about the experience in Germany , we should be like that.
Is there a group in this country pushing for more realistic palliative care.
I would hate for anyone to be going through what my mum is right now.
It took us days to get the driver put on for MIL as it was previously given as an injection into the drip, so it would work, then wear off, so it was a stress getting the right qualified nursing staff to administer the next dose. It's an excellent method of administering a low dose of medication to keep someone settled.
As an aside, my wife now makes syringe driver bags for the local hospitals so they can look less 'medical'.
Is there a group in this country pushing for more realistic palliative care.
It's a terrible mess.
This is a superb hospice in my area that is having to make massive cuts. This sort of service shouldn't have to beg and rely on public donations.
https://ashgatehospice.org.uk/2025/11/21/joint-statement-from-ashgate-hospices-board-of-trustees/
Another local hospice - Treetops - provided nurses in my mums final days. And it was Treetops who verified my mums death as NHS 111 couldn't give us any sort of time frame to get a doctor or paramedic out. Treetops were out with an hour and this was at 1pm in the morning. They are taking a huge load off the NHS.
Interestingly, my sister said at my old man's previous doctors appointment the doctor prescribed him some serious painkillers and said "now be careful with this because if you take more than the prescribed dosage you'll simply fall asleep and that'll be the end of you".
Given my old man's first question when he gets to the doctor's is usually "how long?". He's not referring to how long the tests are going to take, but rather how long he has to live (much to my sister's embarrassment), it's no surprise that the doctor said as much.
Unfortunately for my old man (and subsequently my sister who deals with all his shit) he didn't take the hint.
I know suicide is a problem, but there's also a time and a place for it.
They are taking a huge load off the NHS.
Hospices are, but they’re largely charitably funded at a time there’s a cost of living squeeze with a predictable effect on charity donations.
There really needs to be a discussion about proper funding for these services.
FiL is getting close. I was there last night and he's noticeable nearer the end. The nurses have turned the morphine up to 11. My parents visited (they've been friends for 50years) and my dad, with dementia, was pretty upset.
If things don't change in this country I'll take myself for a long winter walk with inappropriate clothing if I'm able, leaving a suitable donation to local mrt.
I think that one of the problems in hospitals is that medical care has become so fragmented that it's hard to find one doctor who has an overall big picture view of a patient. Therefore as noone is in overall charge, they all take the "safe" option and continue treatment.
Something that we see more and more is also that everything is done by protocol, rather than by holistic care through medical leadership, and protocols fall short on this (and many other IMO) points.
OP, I'm pleased that your mother seems more settled and I'm sorry that you've all had to go through this to get to this stage. Please DM me if it would help to chat.
my sympathies with OP. My FiL and stepFiL have both been down that road.
As a nation we need to think about how we manage these scenarios, and fund them so we can all go with dignity (and I'm pretty sure we are not there yet)
I have been following Dr Rachel Clarke since 2020, and her take is we need to do end-of-life care much better, and we need to do assisted dying much better. I know there are other threads on here that deal with this, but I just struggle with the idea that we allow people in distress to pass without water and adequate pain relief - when we could allow them greater dignity and comfort
https://bsky.app/profile/drrachelclarke.com/post/3m5e7dnhi5s2y
Nothing to add except glad to hear your mum's not in pain any more. It's awful to go through; I know many of us are of an age where we have, or are trying to prepare ourselves to go through it, buit it doesn't make it any easier.
Been through similar with both my parents (one in hospital one at home). It's pretty awful and takes a long time to process, with not thinking about it for a couple of years being my approach. Go easy on yourself.
And sorry to get political - these experiences are so common, not just some rare exceptions. It makes me very cross about what's going on in the House of Lords right now.
As of Saturday afternoon care is no longer needed. To be fair all the services we're manned by brilliant and caring staff. The system is broken though and we will be making a complaint about the GP surgery.
My mum passed in a similar way at the start of this year. She had dementia and seemed calm and totally unaware of what was happening which was a huge blessing. It took just under a week one they stopped trying to feed her. All the best zippykona, its a horrid thing to have to go through.
Sympathies to zippykona and onehundredthidiot on their losses.