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Just walked into the kitchen at work, to hear a bloke talking to a lass in her early 20s. "Virgin?" he asked.
Somewhat taken aback, I thought, "rather a personal question..."
Then she replied, "no, we're flying British Airways."
I heard a female colleague announce she'd had a threesome at the weekend.
As I was struggling away, bent over to hide my stiffy, I realised she'd said "free swim".
My wife, working from home today, on phone to work friend "he's a fat, lazy ****"
Me, obviously.
I heard a female colleague announce she'd had a threesome at the weekend
Once overheard a conversation where one guy, Ronnie was relaying the tale* to another guy, Stevie, about the time that Ronnie had a threesome with his girlfriend and her twin.
Stevie was practically drooling at the thought and was pressing Ronnie for more detail.
"Whilst you were all rolling about naked together, how did you manage to tell them apart?" asks Stevie.
"It was quite easy" replies Ronnie......."Her brother has a moustache" 😯
*completely made up, as it turns out.
My MiL on sunday, on seeing a big dog bounding along the path:
"Oh that doggie's looking for it's daddy!"
except we had already clocked that the doggie had 2 mummies..
Massive straining from the next door cubicle.
"COME ON! GET OUT! GNNNNNNNRRRRRAARGH!
OH YEAH BABY! THERE IT IS!"
Thankfully it was a maintenance guy.
One for the Bristolians...
Overheard in my local off-licence:
"ere, mate. You got any of they pinal coladals in bottles?".
"The Queen Mum is dead???", oh that was me this morning, not sure how I missed that one.
Or morning briefing a few weeks back while discussing record breaking event that is being planned - "we could play the Record Breakers theme tune, and have someone dress up as Roy Castle."
Silence from the room, forgetting that those who are younger than me and British won't remember him and the rest are from other parts of the world.
"Don't tell me he is a nonce like Jimmy Saville, not another Yewtree" Wide eyes staring back at me with the "he didn't just say that, did he?" looks like the love to give when my mouth overtakes my brain.
Later that day I had to let people know that Roy Castle wasn't a nonce.
She'd be 115!"The Queen Mum is dead???", oh that was me this morning, not sure how I missed that one.
Does SaxonRider know that the QM is dead? 😆
Mum in Poundland to offspring "don't say eh, say wot"
Mum in Poundland to offspring "don't say eh, say wot"
You should know better. She's told you a fousand times before 😉
Getting a massage yesterday....all I can hear from the behind the curtain next to me is.
"I'm sorry...."
....
"no sir we dont do extras"
....
"no...we offer traditional Thai massage only"
....
"absolutely not"
....
I had a little chuckle as my torturer proceeded to beat the crap out of me.
Cameron was overheard telling the Queen today that Nigeria and Afghanistan were fantastically corrupt and their presidents were coming here soon. Everybody else guessed it was being recorded and were meekly backpedaling like crazy.
A good few years ago I was in the lift in The Caledonian Hotel in Edinburgh, heading down to breakfast. One old dear to her friend, "Oh, I see they turn on that Large Hardon Collider this morning". I hate to think what that one smashes together!
"The Queen Mum is dead???", oh that was me this morning, not sure how I missed that one.
I was working in Spain when that happened and actually asked that question a few years later, much to the amusement of all those I was in the pub with.
😳
On a canal boat making very slow progress against a strong headwind, my mum asked
"Is it because we're going up hill?"
A few years ago watching "walking with dinosaurs" with the in-laws.
MiL says "I thought these things had all died now?".
She says some whoppers.
Our driveway slopes quite steeply down to the house. When we first moved in she asked if were going to get it levelled.
Mother to young teenage son leaving Halfords - on new bikes.
"the new wheels are bigger,so it's easier"
In the lift in one of the buildings at work. It stops and the door opens. Attractive young lady walks in holding a cup of coffee in each hand.
"ooh, I'm sorry" she says, "I'm double teaming. Can you press my button for me"
Seemed like a long time to keep a straight face on the way to the 9th floor!
Waiting at a zebra crossing a few years back. Bristol Bridge. Two 20-ish girls talking: "..and then he ejaculated onto my face!"
Mrs Moses wouldn't let me wait to hear the rest of the story.
I was on a train, across the aisle from me was a couple of young people, probably early 20s, one male (turns out he was called Jamie), one female.
Young Man "I don't want to become a wage slave after Uni, I might just become a gigolo"
Young woman "Don't be ridiculous Jamie, you'd starve, you're crap at sex"
Businesswoman sitting opposite me stifles giggles....
Me listening to an upset female student who'd broken up with her boyfriend
'Yer (sobs) I relly fort ee loved me. I let im finger me when I woz avin me period an everyfing (sobs)
Wife's family watching Queen Mother leave at the end of Proncess Diana's funeral my father in law remarks about the Queen Mother: "Hardly worth while taking her back to the Palace."
On a residential course with a bunch of 10 year olds as colleague overheard part of a late night conversation with the line "and that's why Switzerland is the best small country in the world"/
Couple of people at work discussing swimming in the sea on holiday;
"ooh I'm not sure I fancy that; you e got to watch out for those Pekinese men of war..."
I had visions of swimmers being chased by small yappy pirates on Spanish galleons.
On the train, "I told him he'd never get his whole foot in there, and I was right" Sounds like the setup for another "I misunderstood an innocent comment" punchline, wasn't.
Supermarket self checkout and just as I'm putting my card in the slot a mum with a little cutie in tow says " No, keep your hands out of that gentleman's bagging area."
steveoath - Member
On a residential course with a bunch of 10 year olds as colleague overheard part of a late night conversation with the line "and that's why Switzerland is the best small country in the world"/
Well the flag is a big plus I suppose.
my supervisor and one of my workmates taking about workmate going on holiday. This lad wasn't the sharpest tool in the box....
S :- " oh right, when are you going on holiday "
W :- " Saturday morning, going Dublin "
S :- " sounds good, who are you going with ? "
W :- ' Ryanair "
Sat outside Costa having a post-ride coffee when a suit wearing gentleman in his mid to late 40s greets his colleague with the word "dude".
S :- " sounds good, who are you going with ? "W :- ' Ryanair "
It's an almost standard response that one.
If you're on Twitter and like this kind of every day observations, follow [url= https://twitter.com/MirandaKeeling ]Miranda Keeling[/url], she's wonderful.
Woman on the train: Where do you want to sit?
Man: I don't mind.
Woman: We both know you do Tony, so why not prevent disappointment now.
Or
Small boy in town pointing at an oil slick on the ground: Mum! I think a rainbow has died.
His mum: No, it's just oil.
Boy: Good. I was sad.
Sat outside Costa having a post-ride coffee when a suit wearing gentleman in his mid to late 40s greets his colleague with the word "dude".
He's the same bastard that was wearing big DJ headphones last week, I'll bet.
http://singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/over-ear-headphones
"and that's why Switzerland is the best small country in the world"/
Well if nothing else, the flag is a big plus.
[quote=Cougar said]
Well if nothing else, the flag is a big plus.
Bindun ^^^^
Outside Durham post office. Fat lass in tracksuit is pushing a pushchair up the hill. Thin lass in tracksuit is pushing one down the hill...
TL: Eeeeh hiyaz!
FL: Eeeeh hiyaz!
TL: Are ye alreet?
FL: Aye, guess what? Ahm aaanly ****ing pregnant again, inn I?
TL: Eeeeh!
Overheard by my wife a few years ago - two lads about 12-14 years old walking down a residential street.
"At least she was wet when it was your turn - she were dry when I was licking her out..."
Overheard by me a few months ago - two matronly ladies on the reception desk and one was relatively new.
Pointing to the reception television that constantly plays BBC News 24 "Is that a smart TV"
"No, it's not Pam."
"Shame." said Pam. "I could have logged into my account and we could have had a bit of Netflix and Chill every day."
Sat outside Costa having a post-ride coffee when a suit wearing gentleman in his mid to late 40s greets his colleague with the word "dude".
Reminds me of being in Oxford one day several years ago. Two classic red-trouser-wearing Oxfordians parting company at the corner of a road (outside Blackwells, should you know Oxford). One says "OK ya, see you later then" and the other replies "Yes, yes. Keep it real, eh."
I smiled. 🙂
A few years ago, in a small nightclub toilet, in Hereford.
I'm at the sink washing my hands/trying not to pay £3 to the 'toilet attendant' for a piece of chewing gum and some knock off aftershave.
One lad at urinal (trough type) already, another walks in and stands beside him. A few seconds later.........
" 'Kin ell, you don't shag with that, d'ya? "
In Homebase, from the next aisle where a little kid is doing a bit of whinging:
"Will you shut up, you're pissing me off." "And now you've made me bloody swear. I didn't mean to but you're pissing me off."
All said sounding very much like a cockney Joe Pasquale.
" 'Kin ell, you don't shag with that, d'ya? "
...."Yep and I also beat a cheeky **** to death with it once"
Bindun ^^^^
Oops. That'll teach me to skim-read.
not so much as overheard as said directly to me... a few years ago minivader was playing at superhero's and of course i was the baddie... up comes superminivader and announces in a loud voice "You cant kill me daddy! I'm INFLATABLE"
cue much laughter from me and other shoppers around
I hope you let him down gently.