[Closed] Overheard today

Cannock Tackeroo campsite, couple rowing over where they'd parked:

"Goo an ask them!"
"They woh no f all!"
"Fin ask them!"
"F*** off!"
"Doh tell me ter **** off yer ****!"

Lovely people

Overheard at work yesterday:
"Why do you think you shake hands with your right hand?"
"Dunno"
"To show you don't have any weapons and you're not a threat"
"Oh, right"
"It's good for me - I'm left-handed. I can f*** them up"
"Hmmm"
"It's all about the right to bear arms. I need to protect myself and my home"

He's like the 'military' guy in The Office

On the train last week..

"Have you heard the new Chloe Kardashian track?"
"no"
"it's great"

Honest, I'm not making this up.

Not over[i]heard[/i] so much but,

At work we have TV in Reception, with the sound muted and subtitles on. Walking past it, you can get an out-of-context snippet of conversation from the subtitles.

A little while ago as I was passing, there was some woman dressed up in some sort of animal onesie, looked like a dog with big floppy ears and everything. But I hadn't processed any of that when out of the corner of my eye I read the subtitle, as she was asking "does it come with bottom flaps?"

At the tip this morning:

Old lady " hello young man, can you help me with this bag?"
Me "why, of course I can"

Thats it.

Another not heard but seen.

Glance down side road as I'm passing it.

Man lifting a 3ft tall Chinese looking vase wrapped in blanket out of boot of his car.

Vase slips out of blanket and heads towards the ground.

I don't think I saw the vase actually hit the ground except in my minds eye but I'm sure his shoulders were already slumping as he went out of sight.

Not so much overheard, you need to have the actions too.

The Cast:

Him - old, Surrey Market town retired Colonel type.

Her - Sainsbury's worker, obviously one of those immigrant types, possibly Polish? (yes, it's important given his actions)

Him: {loud voice, as used on the continent for talking to foreigners}

Have you got any cheese flakes?

Her: {in impeccable english, BUT WITH AN ACCENT!} Cheese flakes?

Him: Yes - you know cheese. In flakes.
(making what is clearly, although I didn't know it, the internationally recognised sign for cheese, which is making a round with your hands and then touching your hand to your lips)

Her: Yes, I know what cheese is.

Him: Good. So CHEESE. In FLAKES.

Her: Ah, do you mean shaved parmesan? For a Caesar salad? Do you need croutons and dressing as well?

Bloody foreigners, not supposed to know about difficult stuff like culture!!

But I hadn't processed any of that when out of the corner of my eye I read the subtitle, as she was asking "does it come with bottom flaps?"

What kind of TV do you have on?

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=furry&defid=976476

She wasn't a Furry, it was more like a fancy dress outfit.

My favourite ever was in Dubrovnik a few years ago their was a Dutch couple and and English couple with the bloke that sounded like Boycie from of&old, he tried to one up on everything the Dutch couple said
Anyway after us laughing for a good half hour,
they started talking about kids
The Dutch man said his son was a DJ, boycie says disc jockey not much talent playing other people's music
The response well he does write his own music and plays it in his dj sets,
Boycie ' well it can't be much of a living'

Dutch man well he seems to do well
Boycie, so he's plays the local clubs not much talent in that

The Dutch man 'oh no he flys around the world first class, paid for our trip out to Croatia, has houses in Miami and Ibiza and pulls in crowds of 50,000 plus'

Well boycie at that point was lost for words

I can only assume I was sat with my back to dj Tiestos mum and dad

Yesterday lunchtime, Princes Street Gardens, walking away from bridge over rail tracks. Man walking towards railway bridge on mobile phone 'I've been depressed and suicidal since I was eleven...'

Overheard by MrsMC in Hartington Hall YHA last weekend, "I've got the cleanest taps in Hemel Hempstead."

Walking down Fishergate (main road) in Preston, just behind me I heard someone bellow, "why don't you just **** off back where you came from?!"

I stopped dead in my tracks (as I had to look at a calendar to check I hadn't gone back in time 40 years) and turned to see what was going on, just as the target of this outburst shot back, "what, Bolton?"

All along I kept thinking the "Colonel" must want some sort of cracker...cheese flakes 😆

B&M bargains in Penrith during the Ebola outbreak, I heard a man telling his wife.

'There's gonna be zombies walking around the streets, I'm just going to run them over in the car'

Heard on Saturday's ride round the Trossachs - "Daaaad, where's my lunch?"

on a fast moving train between Cardiff and Bristol, a drunk bloke shouted at an old guy who told him to mind his language "Do you want to take this outside?"

Two young teenage girls on seeing how many people were queuing for the escalators to get out of Paddington tube station:
“Lets take the stairs YOLO”

I could have despaired, but I shrugged it off

One of the funniest I've ever had was in 2004 in our local Thai restaurant, (in Lymm, nr Warrington), the day after the Thai tsunami.

We were sat behind a couple who were obviously on a first date and the conversation from that was V entertaining alone. The waiter came over to them, (who was actually the owner and is about 50yr old), and before he could say anything the girl started commenting on the terrible disaster and she hope his family was safe and not involved etc, etc. He then replied in his broad, Manchester accent, "Yeh they're fine, they live in Altrincham"!

There was a demo day/uplift at innerleithen. saw a chap looking a bit lost as he got off the bike, he said to his mate "Can you remember what bike I'm riding"?

I was just thinking more or less the same thing tbh.

http://www.theguardian.com/culture/2010/aug/21/michael-holden-all-ears

My favourite of all time

I stopped dead in my tracks (as I had to look at a calendar to check I hadn't gone back in time 40 years) and turned to see what was going on, just as the target of this outburst shot back, "what, Bolton?"

Reminds me of my Gran who has a habit of 'sharing' britain-first type crap on facebook. One was "the Rochdale groomers should be deported back where they came from". So I commented that it seemed a bit harsh to force them to live in Rochdale once out of prison.

a snippet of life

6:30am commuter train into the city, back when most of the carriage was still mostly suits. Last stop before the final terminal and lots get off for tube but a builder/labour gets on.

Scottish, covered head to toe in dust n grim with a can of Tenets super in one hand and an angle grinder in the other 😯 ... Hardest looking bloke I've ever seen in my life... but that's not the reason no one begrudged him his beer before breakfast sitting on that train ... he looked as if he'd been proper grafting all night and it was well deserved.

Teenage girl in a card shop points at picture of a pouting Marilyn Monroe and says to friend "Who does she think she is, Madonna?"

"It's all about the right to bear arms. I need to protect myself and my home"

😆

I hope you pointed him at [url=

Jeffries[/url].

Overheard in a student union.
" I knew it would sell if I posted a moany thread in the chat forum"
😉

Heard in Sainsbury's

Woman walks up to man she knows: "Hello. What are you doing here?"
Man deadpan response: "Shopping"

From the table next to me in the local pub the other week.

Bloke says to his wife, son and daughter-in-law,

"You know there's a saying the goes, what goes on in Vegas, stays in vegas".

Looking all pleased with himself he then says, "It means, what goes on on holiday, stays on holiday"!!

****ing Genius!!

My 13 year old son is away on a residential outward bounds course. Just had a call at work from his [s]young enough to be my daughter and rather attractive[/s] form tutor to say he sprained his wrist last night.

On passing this info to my colleagues, 2 of them responded in perfect harmony "No shit Sherlock!"

A walk along the canal with family on a sunny Sunday summers evening. Pass another family, nods and hellos all round. Two small boys are lagging behind, maybe 10-12ish. As we draw level, one says in a slightly condescending way "and that's why dogs lick their testicles".

Overheard in KFC in Glasgow city centre.

Bloke looks at the poster for the then newly launched Zinger meal.

Points at the poster and asks the girl behind the counter...

" This new Zinger meal you're doin', what is it exactly?"

Without skipping a beat and completely deadpan she responds....

"It's a Zinger........wi' chips"

Heard in Sainsbury's

Woman walks up to man she knows: "Hello. What are you doing here?"
Man deadpan response: "Shopping"

I like to mess with people who ask questions like this. "I'm here for the movie." Or delving into the surreal, "I'm varnishing a badger."

Overheard on the summit of Goatfell on sunday, a pretty looking 20 something telling her boyfriend 'I don't understand people that cycle' then she caught my eye, as I was standing holding my bike....

She went rather red, the daft bugger.

A while ago in Woolworths, a tracksuit clan mum and her son in front of me in the queue..
Him "Am we going to the cinema this afternoon?"
Her "How many times have I told you, it's not 'am we' it's 'is we'..."

"You know there's a saying the goes, what goes on in Vegas, stays in vegas"

Unfortunately not, they don't call Virgin Atlantic VS43 the Syphilis Express for nothing.....

Walking against the flow in Brighton, picked up two different conversations from two couples, but only a sentence from each. Kinda wish I heard a bit more of both

Girl to her BF, "So it is like a butt plug but bigger?"

The second was a 20ish YO bloke saying to his GF "Of course you know I only drink beer from a glass".
At 20 I would drink beer from pretty much anything, these kids don't even know they are born etc...

Walking down Fishergate (main road) in Preston, just behind me I heard someone bellow, "why don't you just **** off back where you came from?!"

I'd need a TARDIS to do that, it was last year some time.

I'm pretty sure it was an STWer who once posted about being in the magazine aisle of WH Smiths, looking at a recently shamed Lance Armstrong on a mag cover, when two neds walked past and took note:

"He did a load of drugs and he walked on the moon, too!".

"It's a Zinger........wi' chips"

In a past life I worked in a bowling alley, which had an obligatory diner which I took great pains to avoid shifts in. Each area had this stupid questionnaire that everyone had to fill in, generally banal questions so that Manglement could proudly display a chart showing how well trained their staff were.

By the time I was cornered like a rat into doing the diner questionnaire I'd run out of shits to give, so had a bit of fun with it. One question that sticks in my mind was "how would you describe a [i]Fish In A Bun[/i] to a prospective customer?" So I wrote, "it's a bun with a fish in it." I earned a verbal warning for that one.

Speaking of fast food WTFs,

Once in a Burger King (that one on the bridge on the M6 if memory serves, but it's not important), I ordered a beanburger without cheese. I was duly informed that they couldn't fulfil my order as they'd run out of cheese.

Two kids walking through ASDA the other day, the eldest looked maybe 14 and the younger one about 12. As I passed, I heard the eldest take a deep breath and then say in a sage voice, "well, when I was your age..."

Yesterday lunchtime, Princes Street Gardens, walking away from bridge over rail tracks. Man walking towards railway bridge on mobile phone 'I've been depressed and suicidal since I was eleven...'

Reminds me of a quote form a guy who used to work with us. He had less confidence than anyone I've ever met.

He'd screw up everything he did. We got some professional help for him, but ended up letting him go.

During the sessions with the professionals they asked him what would he like to forget about his life. "Everything from the age of 10" was his reply......

Two old ladies at the next table in a cafe - one as deaf as a post like the one in Fawlty Towers

1st Lady - Blah blah blah blah
Deaf Lady - WHAT!? SHE'S INCONTINENT?
1st Lady - Blah. Blah blah blah blah blah
Deaf Lady - AH! SHE'S ON THE [u]CONTINENT[/u].

Just walked into the kitchen at work, to hear a bloke talking to a lass in her early 20s. "Virgin?" he asked.

Somewhat taken aback, I thought, "rather a personal question..."

Then she replied, "no, we're flying British Airways."

I heard a female colleague announce she'd had a threesome at the weekend.

As I was struggling away, bent over to hide my stiffy, I realised she'd said "free swim".

My wife, working from home today, on phone to work friend "he's a fat, lazy ****"

Me, obviously.

I heard a female colleague announce she'd had a threesome at the weekend

Once overheard a conversation where one guy, Ronnie was relaying the tale* to another guy, Stevie, about the time that Ronnie had a threesome with his girlfriend and her twin.

Stevie was practically drooling at the thought and was pressing Ronnie for more detail.

"Whilst you were all rolling about naked together, how did you manage to tell them apart?" asks Stevie.

"It was quite easy" replies Ronnie......."Her brother has a moustache" 😯

*completely made up, as it turns out.

My MiL on sunday, on seeing a big dog bounding along the path:

"Oh that doggie's looking for it's daddy!"

except we had already clocked that the doggie had 2 mummies..

Massive straining from the next door cubicle.

"COME ON! GET OUT! GNNNNNNNRRRRRAARGH!

OH YEAH BABY! THERE IT IS!"

Thankfully it was a maintenance guy.

One for the Bristolians...

Overheard in my local off-licence:

"ere, mate. You got any of they pinal coladals in bottles?".

"The Queen Mum is dead???", oh that was me this morning, not sure how I missed that one.

Or morning briefing a few weeks back while discussing record breaking event that is being planned - "we could play the Record Breakers theme tune, and have someone dress up as Roy Castle."

Silence from the room, forgetting that those who are younger than me and British won't remember him and the rest are from other parts of the world.

"Don't tell me he is a nonce like Jimmy Saville, not another Yewtree" Wide eyes staring back at me with the "he didn't just say that, did he?" looks like the love to give when my mouth overtakes my brain.

Later that day I had to let people know that Roy Castle wasn't a nonce.

"The Queen Mum is dead???", oh that was me this morning, not sure how I missed that one.

Does SaxonRider know that the QM is dead? 😆

Mum in Poundland to offspring "don't say eh, say wot"

Mum in Poundland to offspring "don't say eh, say wot"

You should know better. She's told you a fousand times before 😉

Getting a massage yesterday....all I can hear from the behind the curtain next to me is.
"I'm sorry...."
....
"no sir we dont do extras"
....
"no...we offer traditional Thai massage only"
....
"absolutely not"
....

I had a little chuckle as my torturer proceeded to beat the crap out of me.

Cameron was overheard telling the Queen today that Nigeria and Afghanistan were fantastically corrupt and their presidents were coming here soon. Everybody else guessed it was being recorded and were meekly backpedaling like crazy.

A good few years ago I was in the lift in The Caledonian Hotel in Edinburgh, heading down to breakfast. One old dear to her friend, "Oh, I see they turn on that Large Hardon Collider this morning". I hate to think what that one smashes together!

"The Queen Mum is dead???", oh that was me this morning, not sure how I missed that one.

I was working in Spain when that happened and actually asked that question a few years later, much to the amusement of all those I was in the pub with.

😳

On a canal boat making very slow progress against a strong headwind, my mum asked
"Is it because we're going up hill?"

A few years ago watching "walking with dinosaurs" with the in-laws.
MiL says "I thought these things had all died now?".
She says some whoppers.
Our driveway slopes quite steeply down to the house. When we first moved in she asked if were going to get it levelled.

Mother to young teenage son leaving Halfords - on new bikes.
"the new wheels are bigger,so it's easier"

In the lift in one of the buildings at work. It stops and the door opens. Attractive young lady walks in holding a cup of coffee in each hand.

"ooh, I'm sorry" she says, "I'm double teaming. Can you press my button for me"

Seemed like a long time to keep a straight face on the way to the 9th floor!

Waiting at a zebra crossing a few years back. Bristol Bridge. Two 20-ish girls talking: "..and then he ejaculated onto my face!"

Mrs Moses wouldn't let me wait to hear the rest of the story.

I was on a train, across the aisle from me was a couple of young people, probably early 20s, one male (turns out he was called Jamie), one female.

Young Man "I don't want to become a wage slave after Uni, I might just become a gigolo"
Young woman "Don't be ridiculous Jamie, you'd starve, you're crap at sex"

Businesswoman sitting opposite me stifles giggles....

Me listening to an upset female student who'd broken up with her boyfriend

'Yer (sobs) I relly fort ee loved me. I let im finger me when I woz avin me period an everyfing (sobs)

Wife's family watching Queen Mother leave at the end of Proncess Diana's funeral my father in law remarks about the Queen Mother: "Hardly worth while taking her back to the Palace."

On a residential course with a bunch of 10 year olds as colleague overheard part of a late night conversation with the line "and that's why Switzerland is the best small country in the world"/

Couple of people at work discussing swimming in the sea on holiday;

"ooh I'm not sure I fancy that; you e got to watch out for those Pekinese men of war..."

I had visions of swimmers being chased by small yappy pirates on Spanish galleons.

On the train, "I told him he'd never get his whole foot in there, and I was right" Sounds like the setup for another "I misunderstood an innocent comment" punchline, wasn't.

Supermarket self checkout and just as I'm putting my card in the slot a mum with a little cutie in tow says " No, keep your hands out of that gentleman's bagging area."

steveoath - Member
On a residential course with a bunch of 10 year olds as colleague overheard part of a late night conversation with the line "and that's why Switzerland is the best small country in the world"/

Well the flag is a big plus I suppose.

my supervisor and one of my workmates taking about workmate going on holiday. This lad wasn't the sharpest tool in the box....

S :- " oh right, when are you going on holiday "

W :- " Saturday morning, going Dublin "

S :- " sounds good, who are you going with ? "

W :- ' Ryanair "

Sat outside Costa having a post-ride coffee when a suit wearing gentleman in his mid to late 40s greets his colleague with the word "dude".

S :- " sounds good, who are you going with ? "

W :- ' Ryanair "

It's an almost standard response that one.

If you're on Twitter and like this kind of every day observations, follow [url= https://twitter.com/MirandaKeeling ]Miranda Keeling[/url], she's wonderful.

Woman on the train: Where do you want to sit?
Man: I don't mind.
Woman: We both know you do Tony, so why not prevent disappointment now.

Or

Small boy in town pointing at an oil slick on the ground: Mum! I think a rainbow has died.
His mum: No, it's just oil.
Boy: Good. I was sad.

Sat outside Costa having a post-ride coffee when a suit wearing gentleman in his mid to late 40s greets his colleague with the word "dude".

He's the same bastard that was wearing big DJ headphones last week, I'll bet.

http://singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/over-ear-headphones

"and that's why Switzerland is the best small country in the world"/

Well if nothing else, the flag is a big plus.