[Closed] Other 1/2 says "I need some space" Suggestions please!

who owns the house? (if it was my house then her wanting space would mean her packing her bags and vacating for a bit)

take the kids on holiday, leave her at home alone for some space.

Last night I was asked if i could give her some space which loosely translates to can you pack your bags.

She needs some space, so you have to leave? How much 'space' is she going to have with the kids around? Hm.

Do you do things apart, on your own or with friends, ever? Sometimes, "I'd like some time to myself" simply means "I'd like some time with myself."

There's more space outside of the house than there is in it, so the logical conclusion is that she leaves. There will also be more space around her if she doesnt take the kids, so the logical conclusion there is that you keep them.

Its a shared house althoigh I am paying the majority of bills. I don`t think there is much chance of her giving herself her own space as i suggested that she finds somewhere else but her needs of being with the kids are apparently important than mine.
Trying not to get to bitter about it but can feel the obligiatory F@3K OFF then on the end of my tongue.

Stick to your guns. I'd be making her kip on the couch too.

had that exact conversation with my ex.
we talked, and talked, and talked through the problems we had.
she agreed to try and make things work, then immediately went online and found a 'millionaire' businessman from hertfordshire and ****ed off 3 months later.
ime 'i need some space'= ive already found someone else.
thats been my experience, i hope it doesnt turn out to be yours bro.
sorry if that sounds negative, its not meant to be, 8 years on im a lot happier now than i ever was with my ex.

Can't you buy her a star? Or at least pay to have one named after her?

she agreed to try and make things work, then immediately went online and found a 'millionaire'

How'd you do that, exactly?

Not that I'm in the market. Just for future reference.

PS. Sympathies for the OP's situation. Been through something like that myself, once. Only she didn't find a millionaire, she found a part-time cinema usher!

I try not to thiink about the possibility of there being someone else but of course it crosses your mind.
Without being to negative she has some close friends that are also single with kids and I sometimes think that that is exactly the life that she is after.
Obviously i have said this as it has been a concern of mine and she just mentions that she is very strong minded and isn't influenced / pursuaded by other but I can`t help thinking - Really?

I try not to thiink about the possibility of there being someone else but of course it crosses your mind.

Have you asked her?

Does that not just look paranoid? and i would be surprised if she was honest about it anyway, as wouldn`t that just hand the kids over to me as she would have forced the end of the relationship?

DONT MOVE OUT!

If she needs space then she needs to go and find it. You move out, next thing you know you will be paying the mortgage and watching her new bloke move in.

Repeat.. DO NOT MOVE OUT, not even for one night.

[url= http://www.coeffic.demon.co.uk/advice_divorce_csa.htm ]Read this![/url]

I wouldn't say it's paranoid, the thought's crossed your mind after all.

If she is seeing someone else, it gives her an opening to tell you, or forces her to lie brazenly. Can you tell when she's lying?

Mooly - i would stop worrying about how things 'look' and find out exactly how things are.

You need to know what 'i want some space means'. If it means I want you to move out then you need to get your head together, find a flat for her, go see a solicitor, start documenting what's happening and have a throrough check through your finances.

take control of the situation and make the best of it for [b]you[/b].

make her move out and enjoy your freedom, best move I ever made (no kids involved here though so that might change your desicion)

its only crap for the first few months then its amazing 🙂

if its just not right then no amount of time will make it so, we wasted 2 very emotionally draining years trying to [i]make[/i] it work.

Find all the cash you can, go to the bank and borrow as much more as you can and put it into an account in a French or German bank, think of all the things you've ever wanted to do but haven't because of wife, kids and financial constraints. Pack a rucksack and go walkabout for a year sending the wife and kids e-mails and pics of your adventures.

When you come back they'll all either throw their arms around your shoulders or the locks will have been changed.

Went through all this earlier this year. Never been happier now mate on my own with joint residency of my kids. The ex has found that the grass is perhaps not quite so green after all. Tough times for you mate, but it will get better.

wow.. I've heard this exact story from a family member recently.. even to the whole 'she's being influenced by her single friends' ego/denial trip

for what it's worth.. the guy I know relented and moved out..
then he got very bitter and twisted for a few months as he watched his partner doing exactly as she pleased in the home that he had created with his own hard work..
then he was able to be very smug as his ex partner fearfully realised that the grass just isn't greener..
during which time he had got himself a new job and a nice little place to live..
he is now thoroughly enjoying being a part time single parent without waking up to the harrowing weight of a failing relationship on his shoulders every morning..

If I was you I would take the break but make sure that you get half access to the kids.. enjoy the freedom

leaving my kids would feel like being flayed alive though..
you have my sympathies

yossarian - Seems like some good sound advice. Its is how I feel at the moment. We did have a discussion and she is pretty certain that i need to move out for a couple of week but i dont see myself returning if that happens. maybe thats for the good.
the problem is, is that the end? Seems a bit dramatic, my kids are everything to me and over the last 7 years i have had a massive influence on their time working full time and also taking on alot of parental resposabilties. cant help feeling somewhat cheated after all this effort which I in no way begrudge.

Been through this myself and its the kids that are the emotional "magnet", GF's/partners/wives can come and go, you get over them pretty quickly but the kids are the really important factor in the equation. Definately "look after" yourself, thats crucial but also your priority should be the little ones. Trust me its VERY difficult at first living fulltime with them and then all of a sudden switching to fortnightly or whatever access you have.
Play the game, try and keep things "civil" and try to keep a cool, clear head...Good luck man.

Couples often just move apart emotionally, the love can just fade away, it can be hard to face up to, but its doesn't mean you should treat it as a war with your partner as some seem to suggest.

What do you actually want?
You mention if you moved out you prob wouldn't move back in which to me sounds like you have had enough of the relationship. If thats the case, and thats fine by the way, you have two options depending on if you want to have a flat or live in the house with the kids.

1. Take the oppurtunity and leave.

2. Tell her if she want the space you're more than happy for her to have it but your not willing to walk out on the kids, ergo she can have her space when she moves out.

If you actually want to make things work then I would suggest either option two or if she only wants a short space of time on her own then take the kids away on holiday for a fortnight. You get quality time with the kids, she gets her space. no one has to move out.

Good luck in whatever you decide fella

Hmmm, far be it from me to comment, but it won't end well. Use this policy..

[img] [/img]

gravitysucks - well put. Im not really sure what I want to be honest. When i mention moving out and not wanting to move back in i guess its because i dont want to be on a yoyo. i.e. I need some space. Actually its fine move back in please.
Im really dont want this to turn out nasty but get the idea that it might which is very sad as i can`t be arsed with getting all twisted over it.

I would 2nd what gravitysucks says. If nothing else by pushing either of those options you will find out soon enough if she does "want some space" or she just wants you out the door and gone. Once you know which it is you can make sure you respond accordingly.

She wants the space - she moves out. simple as that.

Find out WHAT she means about wanting space? Is she expecting you (or her) to actually move out, or perhaps just take a step back.

I went through this with my wife (then fiancee) when she was having self-doubt about getting married. We still shared a bed and carried on like two people sharing the same space (we just stopped any touching). She did things with her friends more, I did things with my friends more/went riding.

When she got her head straight things went back to as they were.

I know probably my experience isn't quite the norm, but it does happen - she genuinely just needed a bit more space from me - and the fact I was willing to allow it and not crowd her, push her for answers etc meant she was able to get her head straight in her own time.

EDIT: And perhaps she respected me as being my own person, rather than being dependant on her, I don't know?

Talk talk and then talk some more. You need to know how she is feeling and why she wants space.

Don't do anything until you get an answer. You have kids and this could affect them.

Thanks again - another sceneario to think about.
I wish it was like your situation but I think in my heart of hearts that this may not really resolve itself although prt of me wishes it would.
The other thing is maybe this is the oppportunity to make a clean break and move on but I have to say slightly shitting my pants about how emotionally challenging this will be.

The other thing is maybe this is the oppportunity to make a clean break and move on but I have to say slightly shitting my pants about how emotionally challenging this will be.

(Apart from the above, I went through the mill pretty badly in 1991 - 2 months away from getting married to be told something similar by my (another) fiancee). At the time I thought my world had imploded, but looking back I soon realised it made me happier in every way, I became really close to my brother (who is now my best friend in the world) and went on to have other (better) relationships culminating in finally getting married in 2007.

i would do what wifey asks as nothing will come of being awkward other than her resenting you. however you need to move out on your terms and in a manner that is good for the kids.

if you move out for a short period of time you will probably need to get a holiday flat or something as otherwise it will be difficult for the kids to stay over with you. them staying with you i think is really important as it keeps the bonds better and you keep proper daddy time. dont move far away as its a pain to pick up and drop off. it will ne expensive but stick to your guns, its whats best the kids and they are all that matters.

i wouldn't do that having them for the day and giving them back thing. it sets a precedent and, from experiemce, is really bloody horrible.

i have my daughter roughly half the time so half a weekend (or a whole weekend depending on the rota) and one evening in the week (pick her up from school and drop her off the next day). tell work as they are likely to be sympathetic.

always tell wifey what you are doing and why.

good luck. i hope it works out.

Thankfully never been in this situation but have 2 close friends/work colleagues who have and I'll re-iterate what has been said above.

Don't move out. If you do the chances are high you won't get back in again. If you do go on holiday, take the kids.

I hope things work out for you, but guard against the possibility that they don't - don't make any moves now that will prejudice your position with your kids at a later date.

Try to work out your problems but if it does come to the worst I wouldn't move out mate. My Dad did this and my Mum took him to the cleaners.

Makes my piss boil when I see him scraping by representing himself in court and her swanning about in a flash new car, holidays, good wine living off the 66%+ of the house that my Dad paid the deposit and mortgage for and throwing Johnny Cochrane at him to squeeze everything out of him even though she cheated on him. She's even trying to do him for the money he used to "give her some space" renting a flat.

That's just my experience, i'd say get some proper advice on how to protect yourself in the event of it turning ugly.

Been through this earlier this year, fortunately no kids involved. But I'd echo what others have said here in that if she wants space, she should be the one to move out, whether or not she takes the kids with her.

I'm just finalising paying off my ex and transferring the joint mortgage into my name only. It hurts, but it gets better (and you can bring the bikes in/buy more of them, which is a silver lining, eh?)

Thanks for all your suggestions and advice. I really helps getting impartial advice and has given me plenty to think about.
I think i definately need to get some legal advice as we are not married so I would imagine i have much less rights to the Kids that if I was.
i cant help thinking that moving out would be the right thing but scepticle because of what happens if she turns around asnd says she wants me back. Dont think I would particualrly want that myself.
Time to buckle up for the ride i supose and see what happens.

I was in this situation at Xmas, but my daughter was only 3 months old, I spent 4 weeks on the Sofa and to tell you the truth the atmosphere in the house was not very nice. The relationship was long dead way before my daughter was born. I was fed up with her moaning about my friends, biking money etc etc - she humiliated me in front of her friends & family - I tried to talk to her but it always resulted in more domestic abuse - physical & mental.
The house is jointly owned, but I left the house back in January - yes times have been tough but Im starting to get my life back on track.

Mooly, have you parental responsibility? (not that it means jack shit), seeing as your not married the situation with the house ownership is a little bit more favourable than if you were married!

buy her a shipping container - loads of space.

buy her a shipping container - loads of space.

STW never ceases to amaze me, let the trolling begin

 

House near me has a shipping container in the driveway!

[url= http://maps.google.co.uk/maps?f=q&source=s_q&hl=en&geocode=&q=hd6+2pa&aq=&sll=53.800651,-4.064941&sspn=13.888082,43.286133&vpsrc=0&ie=UTF8&hq=&hnear=Brighouse,+West+Yorkshire+HD6+2PA,+United+Kingdom&ll=53.714997,-1.798797&spn=0.006781,0.021136&z=16&layer=c&cbll=53.715048,-1.7984&panoid=snGERFOZKoWLqyxEp5frsQ&cbp=12,174,,0,4.2 ]Linky[/url]

buy her a shipping container - loads of space.

If you get her one on a boat, there's loads of space to be had at sea... 😉

And I guess she can have a few months worth of time if its long haul. Brilliant idea. Got any chloroform?

going through something similar, having just moved to Finland to be with 'her indoors'. It's a stressful situation.

I wouldn't move out. It may be a test of how easily you'll leave or that she can get rid of you. If she wants space, she should go find it. Looks like woody2000 may be able to help! If not, there are many uninhabited islands here in finland which can be used 😉

If she has already also told her friends that she is looking for more space, then it could be time to build the new patio you always wanted.

A mate of mine with two kids moved out recently. His wife changed the locks within a few days and he is still paying the mortgage plus she has hit him with a CSA letter. She earns more than him.

Move back in - would be my advice mate.

Other half said she wanted some space.
.
.
.
.
.
So I put up a set a shelves.

if you are named as the father on the kids birth certificates then you have equal rights as the mother, unless they were born before 2003, then you have to apply to court for it. (parental responsibility)
hth.

MSP - Member

If she has already also told her friends that she is looking for more space, then it could be time to build the new patio you always wanted.

...Like your thinking!

My eldest son was born before 2003 but he's very much a daddies boy so if push came to shove i don't think access would be a problem.

A mate of mine with two kids moved out recently. His wife changed the locks within a few days and he is still paying the mortgage plus she has hit him with a CSA letter. She earns more than him.

The women are always the winners!

The women are always the winners!

Not if you play the game properly. And that involves finding out your rights as a father / householder before you make any rash decisions. I would reiterate my earlier advise... DO NOT MOVE OUT, or you will most likely not get back in and be stuck paying the mortgage.

Looks like i need to visit a family solicitor and try and get some advice. I suppose it certainly can`t hurt to get the lowdown and walk into this with my eyes wide open.

Eyes wide open is certainly better than being bent over and...

[i]if push came to shove i dont think access would be a problem. [/i]

I think you need to get some legal advice.

The partner with 'possession' of the kids can make things very difficult for the other one if things get nasty.

Women arent always neccesarily the winners. I negotiated the financial side of things and access terms etc during my divorce. I got better than 50/50 despite my solicitor telling me It'll never, ever get through court. It did. Pick the bones out of the advice you are given but push for what YOU ultimately want and deserve.

PS. Sympathies for the OP's situation. Been through something like that myself, once. Only she didn't find a millionaire, she found a part-time cinema usher!

probably wanted someone who could find the right aisle quickly and easily

Wouldn't it be worth talking to the lady concerned before the solicitor. You don't seem to know exactly what "more space means" so it might be worth asking. Are your sexual demands unwelcome? Do you hog the TV remote? Do you leave a trail of mess wherever you go? None of us is perfect but some imperfections are easier to live with than others and some might merit her need for a break from them.

Book her a couple of weeks at switchbacks or rivierabike. you can always change the name on the booking...

You right Edukator. There is still plenty to get to the bottom of but without blowing my own trumpet i have worked bloody hard to support our family taking on a 70/30 in terms of childcare and cooking for about 5 years. The past few she has had to step up and take on more responsibility as i had to up the anti at work due to spending a year asking massive favors from my boss over working hours so she could do a PGCE course. And was this appreciated . Our survey says X

while Im on a rant i cant even go out on my bike as the frame snapped and i`m waiting for a replacement. Bollox

@ camo16,
he wasnt actually a millionaire, he was actually a professional bullshitter,
told her he was gonna sell 4 or 5 of his houses, pay off his ex and he should have enough left over for a new ferrari.
she believed the lot.
i asked her 'how do you know this guy youve never met is a millionaire?' she replied 'because he told me'
i said 'i realise he told you, but how do you know?'
her reply 'he told me, i trust him'
needless to say, he wasnt a millionaire.

I bet that hurt.

If the relationship hasn't been good for a while, then get out of it - you have the rest of your life to enjoy. As others have said, talk to her, and don't make any hasty moves.

We seem to be forgetting that you are a family unit. Since when does her wanting 'some space' equate to removing you from the family unit and your house? Does the whole family want space away from you?

If she wants space, she can leave. Don't be mean about it though, I'd give her 48 hours notice.

P.S. You could even show willing by being helpful and packing her bags for her while she's out!

i`m waiting for a replacement. Bollox

When your replacement bollox turn up, you can use them to MTFU and tell her you're not going anywhere but that she can take as much time as she needs.

Joking aside, I'm getting the impression that you've spent far too long going 'yes dear' for a quiet life. There's no shame, we've all done it. But you're running a very real risk of making a rod for your own back here, IMHO.

"I've had a think about it, and you're right, you should take time for yourself. When will you be back?"

sorry OP 🙁 , but my bet is that she's already taken legal advice. you should do the same and not move anywhere at least until then

"I've had a think about it, and you're right, you should take time for yourself. When will you be back?"

So you're making a contribution, far from a dead weight, and she still wants shot. How does she think she's going to get along without you? No babysitter, no-one to cover when kids are at home sick, no-one to share the chores, deal with the crap that lands in the letterbox, less income. Either she has a replacement lined up or she's going to work very hard for her "space" and suffer financially.

I wouldn't contact a solicitor yet but I might hire a private detective. I hired a private detective in a business context, very efficient she was too. I think it would be unfair on yourself, your kids and ever her if you made decisions without having fully understood her motivations.

So after a further talk it seems that she has plenty of issues and will be doing one at the weekend for a couple of days. Doubt it will sort the problems out as she has no idea of what she wants. Basically thinks she gets no support = Bollocks / is bored of family life and chores = tough shit / only really enjoys the kids = don`t we all.
Thanks for all suggestions. It gave me plenty to think about and saved many a rash decision. Well done STW'ers - good job.
p.s. there will be a box container on the drive when she gets back.

Without coming over all Mumsnet on you - what do YOU want to happen ? I mean, it's a 2 way thing a relationship - what you get out of it is as important as what the other half does. Also, what you get out should be influenced by what you put in. Sounds like she is bored or looking for an easy excuse. Saying that, if you've decided that for your reasons you do not want to persue or fight for it then equally you should get out.

Top tip would be wait for her return and drop the shipping container on her perhaps 😯 That was a joke 😀

Mooly:

Whatever you decide to do make sure you have a certificate of parental responsibilty. Without it you only have a financial obligtion to the children and your (ex?)partner can make it hugely difficult and distressing to see your kids.

If you decide to call it in then also make sure you have an access agreement in writing that is signed by both of you. One drawn up by a solicitor will obviously hold more clout but having something in wriyting will make it that much easier to maintain access should it get hideous.

If you leave then contact the CSA yourself and find out from them what you need to pay and make arrangements to do so. If she says she doesnt want to go through the CSA then get this in writing. Any financial agreements you come to get in writing.

Above all and no matter what do not get abusive, rude, offensive etc despite whatever provocation may come your way and how hard it gets. Always concentrate fully on maintaining the relationship with your children above all else.

From experience walking away from your home and children is without doubt the biggest mindf##k I have ever known and if it comes to this you'll have my sincerest sympathy's.

However hard it gets they WILL always be worth it.

Hope thats not all hyper preachy but having had to fight to keep contact with my son I know how difficult can be.

Sounds as though there could be some depression going on here. Perhaps she needs to see a GP?

If you just accept that the relationship is over, then you will always wonder if you should have tried harder.

cinnamon_girl - She has been suffering from depression and was on anti depressents last year but didnt stay on them as decided that they werent working.
We also had counselling for a while which I found helpful but again she thought that it was all about her problems and depression and she was being ganged up on.
The problem is that I offer help and it is not accepted and then at a later date i get accused of not offering emotional support. Women hey!

"Basically thinks she gets no support = Bollocks / is bored of family life and chores = tough shit / only really enjoys the kids = don`t we all."

Ok this is the first bit of this thread I have read... and taking at face value what you have put here your are not at fault at all, or interested in helping sort the issues, and its you who has the attitude.

It takes two to Tango and all that

Ok this is the first bit of this thread I have read...

So you skipped out on reading the back story and then though the best answer was to criticise him for being simplistic and not wanting to help the other party?

The problem is that I offer help and it is not accepted and then at a later date i get accused of not offering emotional support. Women hey!

Help and emotional support are different things. Not meaning to have a pop at you btw.

stayhigh + 1

"If you leave then contact the CSA yourself and find out from them what you need to pay and make arrangements to do so. If she says she doesnt want to go through the CSA then get this in writing. Any financial agreements you come to get in writing."

IME be very suspicious of the "I need some space" line as it indicates she's already moved you out of her head.
My ex- went the through the whole depression GP thing as well. Given the pattern of my-ex's subsequent relationships she's unhappy inside her head and no amount of pills/surgery/wealthy men will fix that....

Ignoring the kids for a minute. Is there still [url=

If not it might be broken.

Love. I think you may have to dig down a long way to find that under everything else that's going on. Sadly.