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cg
I haven't read all these posts. However my dad died when I was 15. I just gave up, left school and didn't return home and spent the time I should have been sitting exams working in youth hostels.
What I'm saying, even given the age difference is that it can make you take stock of your life. So although it might seem he has given up, it might be he is just contemplating things.
In my case I thought whats the point if you can die that young, 34 in my dads case.
?
Been intresting reading this thread. My brother died in an accident almost a year ago. Since then i've been pretty closed off from the world, havent met up with friends, havent done much other than work and have been pretty depressed. The only thing that really makes me smile is my son. Have tried " talking about it" but it doesnt help no amount of talking will change whats happend or make me feel any different. All i need is time and the knowledge that friends are about if i need them. I dont have a sister but if if i did all she'd have to say is "i'm here when your ready".
I think you are doing the right and caring thing by trying to help your brother. I'm sure that you know him well enough to talk frankly with him should he confront you about it, and that he's smart enough to see that your intentions are good.
Loss is one of the hardest situations to deal with. I think your suggestion of bereavement counselling is very sound indeed.
My tuppence:
It seems that your brother is withdrawn, is likely to be depressed and is possibly even blaming/criticising himself; a classic case of the 3 ego states like this - critical internal parent (blame yourself), vulnerable internal child (just wants to be loved but is scared) and under developed internal adult (doesn't know how to cope).
It sounds like your mother could be the source of his issues. A demanding, possibly critical, parent is almost guaranteed to inculcate within their children a sense of unworthiness. It may well be that your brother has coped with this for a long time, possibly buoyed by his relationship with your father (was your father a generally positive influence, was the bond between father and son very strong?) and now that your father has died he feels vulnerable and his relationship with your mum is in sharp focus and he finds it hard to cope with it.
In summary, I think you're doing the right thing. It sounds to me like you, your brother and your mother need to calmly and openly discuss the situation but I understand that's easy for me to say.
I hope things improve for you all.
I'm not really in a position to give any advice from my own experience as my own dad died when I was just six..
This caused lots of behavioural problems - your bro isn't problems throwing stones at the neighbours windows and getting in trouble at school is he..?
At a guess I would say that you should investigate problems centred around an exaggerated sense of duty.. maybe he's suffering inside but a sense of duty as the man supporting your mum is forcing him to soldier on above and beyond his emotional capabilities..
strong booze and long mutual drinking sessions will lead to late night emotional outpourings.. it's the traditional way to break down the necessary boundaries that are preventing the grief from flowing freely.. this is what is halting the communication..
a tradition that is sadly frowned upon by the irrationally puritanical..
Dad died two years ago. Had no idea how much i'd be affected by such a loss of the one guy i looked up to and aspired to. I found myself in exactly the same situation and definately didnt want any form of unsolicited intervention no matter how well meaning. I didn't grieve properly for a long time until funnily enough last weekend when reminiscing about 'Haddad' with my 12yr old lad. Wept buckets unexpectedly but fortunately realised what was happening and just ran with it.....
Feel as if i have been run over by a bus and emotionally drained but also refreshed and ready to grab life by the throat again, rather than just shuffling on behind it as i was before...
IMHO Just give it time and be there for him.
V difficult but try not to interfere. The emotional stuff for many men chugs through internally, and medicalising it may delay resolution. You need to go through the whole grief process to get out the other end whole.
I'm sorry CG but you asked opinions and you got mine. Of course I can only speak from my own personal experience and, as I said, we have been through exactly the same (dad 3 years ago, mum 7 months ago). The very last thing my brother would want would be to have me interfering. It is only my opinion but I found I had to take a step back and wait for him to open up, not try to force the issue. He has on a couple of occasions but then we are best friends and regularly go out to gigs and beers together but, in general, he wants to deal with his grief in his way and I have accepted that.
Of course it is your choice as to whether you listen to my opinion but, as I just said, I can only give advice based on my experience of this matter.
Some very sad posts here, it's obviously been tough for a few of you who have lost your fathers at such a young age. 🙁
mastiles - yes, you're right, I did ask for opinions and certainly don't expect people to agree with me. It's a tough call because you think you know someone but can still get it wrong and the last thing I want to do is hack him off.
Unfortunately the older generation have tended to suppress their feelings so thank goodness us 'youngsters' are more enlightened!
How do you define young? I'm 41 & TBH I would never bother others with my troubles, they are mine to deal with & most counselling is twaddle IMO. Let him get his head around things & let him know you are there if needs be. The job thing comes with age anyway, you feel you have made the wrong job decision in life & want something better, something more akin to what you always thought you would be able to do, even if you never could, the death just brought it forward IMO.
Just give him space & be there is the long & short.
Hope is all ok for him.
Cheers.
CG
Unfortunately there really is little you can do. you certainly cannot arrange things for him in any way.
Talk to him, say you are concerned, say you are feeling it too even make suggestions - thats about as far as you can go.
Its tough one and hard in part because there is little you can do
"he doesn't want to offload on me"
100% He expects to be strong one. But it sounds like he's not coping so well. Hard to know what to do, except find an excuse to spend some fun time with him, so he knows you are there. Be subtle. Good luck.