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Later today I am going to see someone who I know very well and whose wife has a 50/50 chance of living. Without going into details I need to prepare her husband for the inevitable whether it happens soon or over the next few weeks or months. They have been married for over 50 years and he is likely to be totally grief stricken. He is very dependant on his wife and is about to loose his soul mate. My intention is to make this process as easy and gentle for him as possible but only do it once, so I need to get it right. I'm coming up with a list of questions but would really appreciate anyone's advice who might have been in a similar situation so I do not miss anything important. What questions do I need to ask him? What questions should she be asked too? It would help if any questions are listed "for him" and "for her".
Is it your father?
I'd split it into 2
Emotional
and
Practical
they need to prepare for both.
I've got no specific advice, but I don't envy you 🙁
Not a relative, just long term friends
Why not just leave the questions until after she dies? Seems a shame to spend any of the last moments of her life asking awkward questions.
Because he is not going to cope with the situation, he is denying everything at the moment and it will make things a lot easier all round if "things" have been discussed before the event.
Hi
I don't believe there is anything you can say that will make it easier for either of you. I guess all you can really do is make it clear to him that you and yours will be there for him whatever happens
He'll cope. There is no other option but to cope.
I understand that you're trying to do the right thing by them, but what's right for you might not be right for them.
TBH I'd back off - this is a situation where being pro-active could possibly make it worse. You need to be supportive but the more you try to prepare him, the worse his denial will become.
He has to come to the realisation himself. Deal with issues as they arise, bu tbe as patient as you can.
Seems to me that if his wife is so I'll, there should be professional and/or charitable support helping him to prepare? Try and steer him that way rather than jump in with both feet?
Good on you for trying to help though
just be honest, tell them/him that you're there, offer help. not a lot else you can do, i wouldn't try to impose anything on either him, her, or yourself, good luckMy intention is to make this process as easy and gentle for him as possible
Presumably the wife is aware of what's going on and can handle it? As said earlier there is emotional and practical. If they have faced up to the emotional in advance it will be easier. The practical is also way easier if sortd in advance. Is there a will, does someone know where it is, if there isn't can you help them to sort it, is the house in both names or just one, do both of them have access to all accounts for Internet banking, are there pensions/policies that will pay out?
Well done for attempting it, it isn't easy but it's way better to sort it now rather than have to do practical and emotional at the same time
See if you can find any info online about "breaking bad news". This is the bread and butter of a decent consultation (GP/hospital).
Start with 'warning shots' and 'signposting:
"the doctors have said the news about Jean* isn't very good...." *made up name
"we've all seen her health getting worse over the last few weeks..."
Then seek understanding - aim to help HIM realise the inevitable:
"what were your thoughts about her health...?"
"have you noted any changes...?"
"can you see why the doctors would be saying this...?"
Let him talk about it for a bit. At some point you'll need to be frank, and it's important to be sensitive, but not beat about the bush...:
"the doctors think that Jean isn't going to get better, and that they say she is dying. Did you expect this?"
"it's been suggested that Jean only has a few more weeks to live, maybe less..."
Put in lots of pauses after strong statements - don't fear the silence.
Best of luck with it. If down well, it's one of the most important aspects of end of life stuff
DrP
Once again I agree with DrP, you clearly think the guy is going to find it hard to cope so very noble of you to help. Many people don't cope and end being ill from it, especially the older generation who have been together for many years. I see it regular where we visit people after their loved one has died, too many of them become depressed and fall ill due to consequences of this.
DrP thank you and Drac - you've hit the nail on the head. I will deal with this sensitively and if I see he can't cope with the gentle probing and honesty, then I will stop. I just feel it would be easier to have the practical side of things dealt with in advance, then we can deal with the emotional side of things when they occur. Sorting practical with emotions all over the place could make for wrong decisions, I would like to avoid this if at all possible. This is scary for me too and I'm busy plucking up courage for my visit later today. Thank you all for your input, please keep the suggestions coming.
Breaking bad news is scary, I hate doing it and people react either very well or really badly. It's terrible thing to do but your offering them support which is very good thing for them, he may get angry and frustrated be relaxed about this it's a normal reaction. He may just thank you and take you up on the offer, there is no real way of telling before hand.