[Closed] my dad

go easy on him. I don't know the situation, but as time passes it gets harder and harder to make contact. At least he's made the first move.

Not been in that situation myself though, so I'm completely unqualified to offer any advice.

very similar.

This was 10 years ago, and I'm still in 'the early days'

With me, I didn't want the first contact with him to be at his funeral...so I am making a bit of an effort. There's no right an wrong though mate, so whatever you feel is right, then that's right.

My heart goes out to you, it's upsetting. All the best.

EDIT - I also have an older sister, who just wishes he was dead, and a mum who still misses him. It's awkward.

My old man pissed off abroad when I was 10. got in touch when I was 20 and met up, not spoken to him since (i am 44 now). He now lives 40 miles away and cannot say I am fussed about not seeing him

At least he's made the first move.

+1. Mr Jimbo, he speak sense.

Go. Meet. Ask. Listen.

See what happens.

Good luck!

I didn't see my mum for about 8 years for various reasons but we get on fine now.

I am however a very much live and let live person and realise that when she left things were really not going well for her

do you want to meet him?

ta for that....its a bit creepy cos only the other day i was chatting to mum about wether id go to his funeral and then i get this letter..hes been missing most of my life,he made contact when i was 23,then before that i was 12....i dont treat him as anything really,hes a complete stranger to me.we have the same surname thats it..

i just have the cycnical feeling hes doing it to ease his concious....

You must meet him, don't let the opportunity pass. It may not resolve your issues with him, but it will get the ball rolling.

I basically found out last year I have a sister, I am 37 and never seen my natural parents, made contact with my sister couple weeks ago to find out she has 12 months ish to live. Live is too short to mess around, go for it.

tbc,i guess i do want to meet him and i am a live and let live type character also but its been a bit odd today...

i do seem to have a fair bit of resentment which i'll keep a lid on!

Wow, that must have been a shock for you!

You're right to have questions, only you can decide whether to meet him, and perhaps question your motives in meeting him and his in meeting you.

Maybe you need to arrange to meet somewhere neutral, and if you have anyone in your life that you'd call upon for support who could be classed as neutral then perhaps see if they would attend for some moral support and to act I suppose as a "chaperone/moderator" type of person.

Big move for you, your dad, & your sister.

How old are you? Go and meet him if you want to, don't if you don't. Tell him what you feel.
Wrong section too 😉

hes 78 and the first thought was he was sick or worse...i reckon my sister wont want anything to do with him as he made it very plain that he didnt want anything to do with her when we were very small.....this is the first time hes expressed interest in her..

39 and 5days..

Happy 39th!

Never been in this position but as has been said listen and talk to him and see how you feel, might be great might be terrible but I'd make the leap if only to settle my 'what ifs'

As to your sister, that's very difficult I have an awkward situation within my family over 'blood' ties and I've made it clear I think it's shit. Having said that I'm still close to both parties

[devil's advocate]

If you are asking, you are unsure. Do it before it's too late - save yourself years of 'what ifs...'

Well if nothing else you might find out from him why he chose to leave, and then chose to not stay in touch once he had.

My father did something similar to his first family. However he might not tell you anything and indeed might be a c*ck without remorse. 😉

I never met my dad and never will. Couldnt hurt to see him could it?

nope i kinda thought that... ill meet him in a restaurant and he's bleeding paying! see what hes got to say

many thanks all....a load off an all that!

My grandfather did something similar, only it was 35 years. His family didn't want anything to do with him, so we never heard his side of the story, and we know nothing about our paternal line.

Thus my children only know 3/4 of my side's family history.

Whatever you may think, talk to him, stay engaged. Get the family history and stories. You owe it to your children.

My old fella walked out on us when I was 11, and I didn't hear from him again till I was 29, no contact at all. Then he only contacted as he had cancer, and had been advised if he had kids there was a chance in would be passed down so contacted to let me know I should get checked. Despite the shite he put my old girl through and his absence, I never really thought about him and figured I was over any anger I felt at him. So after his intial contact he contacted a few times after to see how my checks went, and did ask if I wanted a pint. Turns out he had been only streets away from me with a new famil for a few years, so did meet up, as I figured I'd got nothing to lose. Since then I've seen him once or twice a year, and will ring/ email. I made it clear to him that I no longer really considered him to be my dad, as my step dad had filled this role, but I was interested in knowing what he had been doing with himself. It's been an interesting experience as there are bits of myself I see in him, both physically and in personality. It did bring a few feelings up I thought I had got over, but nothing I could say really upset me. Overall I glad I'm in touch with him, and I've learnt a bit more about myself.

This is a difficult one. I didn't speak to my dad for a good few years (I was raised by my mum alone), and it was the only thing which could genuinely upset me. Made contact recently and feel much better. Give him a go, what have you got to lose?

My parents divorce came through on my first birthday, that was rhe last time I saw him, of course I don't remember him, and we never really talked about him, although I was curious.
I'd used some detective work online and tracked him down but didn't make contact.
A couple of years later my gran gets a phonecall out of the blue to day he'd died, I then spoke briefly to one of my half brother's and an uncle I didn't know I had, but made excuses not to go to the funeral, as I didn't feel it was my place to attend.
I know where he's buried and I'll visit next time I'm in the area.
Do I wish I'd made contact? One day yes the other No.
It's only yourself who can make the decision.

As smell_it, I can see similarites in myself to my dad, the only difference is my have been picked up from things written on memorial articels

My Dad & my 1/2 sister never had contact for 30 odd years & I never even met her till my 1/2 brother got them in touch. Turned out their mother had 'poisoned' my sis against my Dad! She now wishes she'd got in touch a lot lot earlier. I do too cos she's great!
Go with it & give him a chance. Good luck!

CaptainFlashheart - Member

At least he's made the first move.

+1. Mr Jimbo, he speak sense.

Go. Meet. Ask. Listen.

See what happens.

Good luck!

Indeed.

My dad had not seen his dad for 30 yrs until one day we came back from holiday to find a message that he was dead. My dad was very upset.

If he is a twunt you can walk away again but don't miss the opportunity to meet him

what i cant get my head round is how a bloke with a good job(he commanded oil tankers at one time) a young wife and family can be not at all interested in them and theyre development.

its just immeasureable slackness....i guess im wired differently, im close to my family/freinds and would do anything for anyone of them..

last time we met when i was 23 i did thank him for giving me a reverse blueprint of how a father should act! i just feel pity for him really...hes missed so much...

He may have won the lottery,

He may have been diagnosed with some terminal illness,

He may just want to see you both,

At least he is still alive,my dad isnt and every day i wish he wasnt,enjoy every day with him, as one day he wont be there.

If you do meet him, just bear in mind the impact it can have on those around you. Out of three brothers I'm the only one that continued any contact with my old man, and my old girl wasn't keen that I did. But you have to make your own choices, and be open with your folk.

cycleworlduk

Until you know his side of the story you cannot judge him.

he may have thought it better for you to keep away rather than appear now and then. He may have been ashamed of his actions and afraid of facing the consequences. There may be all sorts of benign reasons or he might just have been a selfish twunt.

Meet him with an open mind with a generous spirit. You have nothing to loose

You might regret it forever if you don't take the opportunity. You only live once.

What's the worst that can happen? You meet and decide you can't stand him. You don't meet again.

My circumstances are the reverse, my duaghter doesn't want see me even though it's her mum who has caused the rift between us, fuelled by my own parents. My sisters all back me up but my daughter won't have any of it and so I've not seen her for years now and it's hurts like hell. I've spoken to her, she's been to my house but she will not build any bridges and I'm not trying do it to clear my conscience, as I see it as we're only here once so why carry bad shit with you when you die. It's bad also for my kids who live with me as they have a sister who wants to stay out of their lives yet they've done nothing, even if she wants blame me. It upset my two kids for a while but I think they're getting used to the fact she will never be a part of their lives. Sad isn't it.

thats a real shame hadge,i hope things work out for the best...

im naturally a generous open person (with an underlying yorkshire cynicism!) and ill try not to judge him....

thanks all...the wisdom from here is all encompassing!

Cheers matey but I doubt they ever will. I've been judged by her and my honest, truthfull side of the story will not be listened too even though my family know it all and played their part in making it worse. I don't want die for her to feel sad when I'm gone, because when them pearly gates call that's it and if she wants say something then it will be too late.

I literally spat on my father's grave. I wished him dead (and sometimes me) from a very early age despite him being my only parent.
Just mentioned as a counter to the ineviteable "he's your dad, how can you bare not to see him again" comments.
No offence to the commentee's like but only you know how you feel and you aren't obligated to see him again just because he was one half of the reason for you existance.

You have to learn his reasons. There's always at least two sides to every story.

If he wants forgiveness, you have to decide if you want to throw it in his face or not. Sounds like you are a decent enough sort though. Everyone makes mistakes after all, some are bigger than others but still.

Just remember he will lie. His whole world has been a lie and whatever he says take it with a very large pinch of salt. My wife's dad tried to top himself and everything in the suicide note was a pack of lies - unbelievable.

You sound pretty sorted so don't waste your time

Just remember he will lie

Very very harsh indeed mate.

My wife's dad tried to top himself and everything in the suicide note was a pack of lies - unbelievable

So mental illness doesn't distort your perception of reality then, it was all just deliberate lies to annoy you?

Blimey - compassionate lot you seem to be.

My Dad got in touch after around 8 years when his mum (my nan) died. Me and my brother travelled up to Scotland to see him, to find he was shacked up with a wife the same age as me, two kids and we were immediately asked to lie about his age as she didn't really know how old he was.

The atmosphere was slightly strained, and then I didn't hear anything for a while when I got back, so I called him to find out that he'd moved with no forwarding address.

Still, half an hour on google a couple of years ago tracked him pretty easily, nice to see that he's doing well for himself, living in the lake district with his own yaucht, and spends a lot of time trying to track down his old sportscar from the 70s, because he was "forced to sell due to his expanding family". I do wonder how his young wife felt about the birthday balloons delivered to their house on his (real) 60th though, and how he got on explaining that one away. 😆

I guess it's going to be difficult, you will have nothing in common with him (probably). Maybe a good yardstick will be to see how much he talks about himself, and how much he asks about you and your sisters lives over the last 16 years and the next 16 years. Though, he's going to be as nervous/apprehensive as you, so you need to cut him some slack. IMO, you should go with it for a while, be positive, and then make a decision.

Interesting programme on BBC2 Scotland on this topic tonight.

I grew up without a dad for different reasons, I would hope I'd give an absent dad a chance.

he may be a c**k, but he's still [i]your[/i] c**k

**** it, go see him, it won't hurt. You might even find you actually like him as a person. You'll never know if you don't, and at 78 I guess time's running out

I had very little to do with my father, he left when I was young and I was lucky enough to have an amazing mum and a fab step father who will always be my ' dad' as far as I'm concerned. However I did get in touch with my real father as a teenager and I think we both realised that we didn't like eachother, we had nothing in common and he is pretty much a bit of a dick (not sure he realised that but I did). I think u shud meet him, I know people that made contact after 20 yrs and now get on like a house on fire, it's just that it's not what happened with me. He may have genuine reasons. Just don't feel bad if it doesn't work out. They say blood is thicker than water. I say that's bollocks. Also, if ur worried bout ur sis, my bro is very close to our father, we just don't talk about him and we get on fine. Good luck whichever way u go

Sleep on it.

Have a think in the morning and do what your instincts tell you.

Remember - 2 sides n all that. Without knowing what the past has in it... etc - family is a funny thing. You don't get a choice and sometimes things just don't work. If it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out. Nothing you can do.

Meet him with an open mind with a generous spirit. You have nothing to loose

TJ is spot on.

You have to do it.

I'm with the meet him camp

My dad left my mum 3 years ago - told me & my brother he wasn't with anyone (and we're 39 & 37). He was found dead in a hotel room in Oct (natural causes) and then we found out he was living with another woman (and we had to tell her he was dead).

I'll never get the answers I want. Wish he'd been honest with me (not like I was a child) - but at least I'd asked him to be truthful when he was alive.

Meet him. Ask him the hard questions. Make your own judgements. If you never see him again - at least you will know you tried.

As John_Drummer pointed out - he's still your father, however much a c*ck you think he is.

i just have the cycnical feeling hes doing it to ease his concious....

But when I read the "harsh" suggestions above, I can sympathise with those too. Some parents are just ****ing poison - child abusers, bigots, liars, hateful people - and any kind of contact with them just ends up eating away at you and sustaining their shit.

So...unless there's a good reason not to, go. I suppose that's not very helpful advice.

he has 16 years of pocket money, Christmas and birthday presents to make up?

three words: carbon fibre nomad.

Do you know the reasons why he wasn't around?

I had similar - My father was in the Navy (Although the Royal rather than Merchant Navy) and I didn't meet him until I was 21 - we've stayed in contact and I now understand what the reasons why he wasn't around at the time and they make sense and I hold no grudge - its all just water under the bridge and I don't hold any bad vibes towards him - wasted energy being angry about what has happened - Neither of us can change it now and I think he knows what he's missed out on now and I know it hurts him. Plus once I knew him it put answered a lot of questions I had about myself.

Go and meet him - be positive and friendly. What have you got to lose? - being negative and defensive perhaps will reinforce his feeling of why should bother and he did the right thing at the time.

I think you should meet him (I watched that bbc2 thing last night too).

I'd avoid a restaurant.

If things don;t go as you planned/wanted you'll find it far more difficult to leave.

Pick somewhere quite (but public) where you can sit and have a coffee/tea. If things go well then arrange to meet up at another time for longer but I think you'll both want a bit of time to think about things once you do meet before you take things further.

Just a different perspective...

You've mentioned how you're quite different from him, both emotionally and socially. My old man left when I was in my early teens (although I still saw him); he was a tyrant back then, and I swore I'd never be like him. In a funny kind of way, doing what he did made me the man I am today - compassionate, patient and willing to help folk if I can. I kind of owe him for teaching me those values, even if he didn't do it directly.

And for the record, we get on very well now. He's learnt a lot about himself and our relationship. So give it a shot, and remember what you and your values represent.

Good luck!

My Dad left when I was 2 and I didn't see him again until I was 18.

We met up, he explained his reasons for leaving and I started to get to know him again (very tentatively).

It's taken us a decade, but it finally feels like a proper father/daughter relationship.

However, if on that first meeting it doesn't feel right, or even if the 20th meeting doesn't feel right - walk away. You should never feel obligated to stay in touch with someone because they are your family.

And let us know what you decide to do 🙂

i think me and my sister are gonna meet him somewhere neutral...im less emotional about it all(ill be in charge of questions!)

ill let you know how it goes.... 😀

I think the first time you meet you should set some ground rules.

The first, maybe, being for you not to ask any questions. Let him say what he wants to say without being backed into a corner and having to justify. When he wants you to ask, let him tell you.

I think you're right to meet him, I think this is a situation where it really is better to regret something you have done, than something you haven't.

If you still can't stand him, at least you'll know that, but I think you'd always wonder if you missed the chance to find out.

He's a cook?

I recently met my parents after an absence of sat 3 years, but has been over 35 years since I've had any meanifull contact.

So I think I understand the situation , but not the detail, as every relationship is different.

I suppose the key thing for me, is that how would I feel if the next time I see them is at their funeral?

So, I went to see them and was quite upset about it all. There weren't any arguments or anything, but a sad realisation of what had come to happen.

Regret is probably the wrong word, but it made me realise some of the waste and fret.

Can't offer any advice, than follow your heart.

my 2 pence.
my dad was around until i was 15ish and my parents broke up.my dad made it really longwinded and messy.he got really hateful and nasty and i saw a side to him i never had seen as a kid.i avided him because of this and as he tried to keep seeing me i thought ok ill give this a go.he just constantly blamed my mum for everything and lied and contradicted himself.what little respect i had for him soon dissapeared. i told him on a leter occasion i wanted nothing more to do with him.over time he has drifted away 9didnt attempt to send a card to me this year) its sad but i actually dont think he is a very nice person.it cuts me up to write this, thinking how he used to be so much fun when i was little but i really dont think i can every forgive or forget what he did and how he acted.
i really dont miss him now to be honest.i miss a father figure but he was never a strong one of those when i was little anyway.
nowadays my life just functions without him. dont know what i would do if he died tommorrow.dont really think id be that bothered??

on a seperate note i would say meet somewhere public and open, plus i would say dont drink any booze.it just clouds your judgement.when ive had a few im everyones mate and this is not what this is about.

We're all old enough and wise enough to make our own choice in life. I'm +1 for the kick him into touch, or atleast keep him at arms length camp.
Me and the missus wish the inlaws would just do one and snuff it.....no really. Rude, arrogant, selfish, oxygen wasters.
So he's your dad.....so what....you've managed this long without him. Unless it turns out he's been working for Mi5/SAS on secret missions all this time then tell him to sling it.

Some shocking people on this thread, there really is. I may be seeing a link between arsehole dads and their kids..!

Care to elaborate Molgrips?

yeh what's the worst that can happen?
[img] [/img]

Unless it turns out he's been working for Mi5/SAS on secret missions all this time then tell him to sling it

Judging him before hearing his side of the story, or even meeting him? That's what I was talking about.

I'm not in the situation, so it's hard for me to say how I would feel. But I think that, unless the absent father had made life hell by leaving, I'd probably be quite welcoming initially. Can't see any reason to take his original leaving as a personal insult, nor his return as a problem. Unless he wants money or something unreasonable.

Judging him before hearing his side of the story, or even meeting him?

People can only speak from their own experiences, and only the OP knows the circumstances and facts specific to him, but sometimes parents do things that are so awful and selfish they lose their claim. And some parents are so venal and self-delusional that they see other people (including their children) as accessories to their own lies and never admit to their own mistakes - they make everything about them and how they've been wronged. And all of that ends up working over their children again and again, when the right thing for them to do would have been to look after themselves but build as high a wall as possible.

I was very lucky in my relationship with my parents but I have certainly seen others around me who weren't, and I wouldn't go tossing around the word "arsehole" if any of them urged caution for someone in the OP's position. So...

it's not a totally outrageous thing to think that someone who hasn't manifested any interest in the last decade and a half has lost the right to spend time with you and skepticism is well-placed.

Well it depends what their reasons are, doesn't it?

I'd never slam the door in anyone's face without hearing them out first. On principle. IF they turn out to be a c*ck then my all means go ahead.

I'm fine with caution, that's a good thing, but that's not what I was talking about.

39 and 5 days

Aye,so you are! running a shop must take it out of you 😀

I know you and think you are a decent bloke,other people speak well of you,why would he be any different? At the very least you and your sister have taken the moral high ground if you meet him.I didn't speak to my sister for 12 years for various reasons.In the end I decided life was too short and made up with her,still have no relationship,but in theory we are speaking.

Another vote for tj's suggestion (off to scrub myself now)

 

My male parent told the police he did what he did because that was what was done to him and he couldn't help himself and at more than one point, couldn't see the harm. It was "discipline". The police treated that with the contempt it deserved. Other agencies gave it greater breverty.
My daughter adores me and has never even had (nor needed) a stern word from me. That kind of blows the b*****d's theory to bits.
I treat parents of both male and female gender who do anything less than their damn level best with complete and utter contempt by default.
People who know me sometimes suggest I'm in the wrong job, my boss and colleagues think otherwise.
I would say the op owes nothing to his dad so go if you want to and don't if you don't. Either descision you make, as long as it's your descison is the right one.

If I'd made a shocking mistake, I'd be upset if no-one ever listened me trying to explain or apologise for it.

The worst thing you can ever do to me is not listen to what I have to say.

Actually, you're sort of acting like the worst type of parent and proving the point right there: you (hypothetically!) made a "shocking mistake" and yet all you can talk about how upset you feel and how other people have wronged you by not listening to you. Me me me me me me me...

Give him a call

He might be the one that won the euro millions lottery

--------
Seriously though
Dont harden your heart 😉
Phone, meet, talk.

As they say, it is better to regret things you have done, than things you haven't.

If you meet him do it on your arrangements, so it's you taking charge. Not him calling the shots. Meet him in a neutral venue at a time you choose. If he wants to see you now he will make the effort to be wherever, whenever.

Good luck

I wouldn't be bothered if he had won the Euromillions. Willy Wonka had a chocolate factory but you still wouldn't want him as ya dad. He could be a Joseph Fritzl in which case you'll probably want to kill him to death in the face.

i think me and my sister are gonna meet him somewhere neutral...

[img] [/img]

How weird this thread is, I got a message via Facebook from my old man this morning after 17 years. Last time I saw him I was in my twenties, I can't even remember exactly. He was never around when I was growing up, working shifts and working abroad. When my parents split up he became angry and poisonous. The last thing he said to me was "**** off you little 5hit!".... nice!

In the message this morning he asked "Are you my long lost son" ha ha! He was the one who left, he didn't invite me to weddings saying that I would embarass him! He didn't invite me to his birthday. He didn't help with my growing up and development, if anything he had a negative effect.

Should he have another chance to **** everything up angain? No, I don't think so!

Good luck with your meeting. I hope it goes well.

met my father yesterday with my sister...completely underawed we both were...i was freindly and approachable but this slipped after spending 40 minutes doing small talk.at this point i suggested that maybe he would like to know what we'd been upto for most of our lives...we got a question each..

i dont think ill see him again...many thanks for all the input!

So glad you gave it a chance 🙂 Some people might say that you need to see him more than once, but if it didn't feel right and he wasn't making an effort then follow your instincts.

Well done to you and your sister 🙂

This exact situation happened to my brother with the same result.
He got the closure he needed.

all the best mate.

I cut my own Father off 25yrs ago. I was the one who said 'no more contact' and I've stood by that ever since. I do however send him updates; Grandfather etc but I don't want any contact coming the other way.

I don't believe in the bitterness-angle or the opposite of that either. I am perfectly happy.

Will I be a better parent? Who knows. I'll just continue being me.

All the best OP. No one can offer advise or tell you what you should do.

You decide.

At least you did it. Now you know. No what if's.

Well done, it must have been quite challenging for you both.

Now you can move on.