[Closed] my dad

I'm with the meet him camp

My dad left my mum 3 years ago - told me & my brother he wasn't with anyone (and we're 39 & 37). He was found dead in a hotel room in Oct (natural causes) and then we found out he was living with another woman (and we had to tell her he was dead).

I'll never get the answers I want. Wish he'd been honest with me (not like I was a child) - but at least I'd asked him to be truthful when he was alive.

Meet him. Ask him the hard questions. Make your own judgements. If you never see him again - at least you will know you tried.

As John_Drummer pointed out - he's still your father, however much a c*ck you think he is.

i just have the cycnical feeling hes doing it to ease his concious....

But when I read the "harsh" suggestions above, I can sympathise with those too. Some parents are just ****ing poison - child abusers, bigots, liars, hateful people - and any kind of contact with them just ends up eating away at you and sustaining their shit.

So...unless there's a good reason not to, go. I suppose that's not very helpful advice.

he has 16 years of pocket money, Christmas and birthday presents to make up?

three words: carbon fibre nomad.

Do you know the reasons why he wasn't around?

I had similar - My father was in the Navy (Although the Royal rather than Merchant Navy) and I didn't meet him until I was 21 - we've stayed in contact and I now understand what the reasons why he wasn't around at the time and they make sense and I hold no grudge - its all just water under the bridge and I don't hold any bad vibes towards him - wasted energy being angry about what has happened - Neither of us can change it now and I think he knows what he's missed out on now and I know it hurts him. Plus once I knew him it put answered a lot of questions I had about myself.

Go and meet him - be positive and friendly. What have you got to lose? - being negative and defensive perhaps will reinforce his feeling of why should bother and he did the right thing at the time.

I think you should meet him (I watched that bbc2 thing last night too).

I'd avoid a restaurant.

If things don;t go as you planned/wanted you'll find it far more difficult to leave.

Pick somewhere quite (but public) where you can sit and have a coffee/tea. If things go well then arrange to meet up at another time for longer but I think you'll both want a bit of time to think about things once you do meet before you take things further.

Just a different perspective...

You've mentioned how you're quite different from him, both emotionally and socially. My old man left when I was in my early teens (although I still saw him); he was a tyrant back then, and I swore I'd never be like him. In a funny kind of way, doing what he did made me the man I am today - compassionate, patient and willing to help folk if I can. I kind of owe him for teaching me those values, even if he didn't do it directly.

And for the record, we get on very well now. He's learnt a lot about himself and our relationship. So give it a shot, and remember what you and your values represent.

Good luck!

My Dad left when I was 2 and I didn't see him again until I was 18.

We met up, he explained his reasons for leaving and I started to get to know him again (very tentatively).

It's taken us a decade, but it finally feels like a proper father/daughter relationship.

However, if on that first meeting it doesn't feel right, or even if the 20th meeting doesn't feel right - walk away. You should never feel obligated to stay in touch with someone because they are your family.

And let us know what you decide to do 🙂

i think me and my sister are gonna meet him somewhere neutral...im less emotional about it all(ill be in charge of questions!)

ill let you know how it goes.... 😀

I think the first time you meet you should set some ground rules.

The first, maybe, being for you not to ask any questions. Let him say what he wants to say without being backed into a corner and having to justify. When he wants you to ask, let him tell you.

I think you're right to meet him, I think this is a situation where it really is better to regret something you have done, than something you haven't.

If you still can't stand him, at least you'll know that, but I think you'd always wonder if you missed the chance to find out.

He's a cook?

I recently met my parents after an absence of sat 3 years, but has been over 35 years since I've had any meanifull contact.

So I think I understand the situation , but not the detail, as every relationship is different.

I suppose the key thing for me, is that how would I feel if the next time I see them is at their funeral?

So, I went to see them and was quite upset about it all. There weren't any arguments or anything, but a sad realisation of what had come to happen.

Regret is probably the wrong word, but it made me realise some of the waste and fret.

Can't offer any advice, than follow your heart.

my 2 pence.
my dad was around until i was 15ish and my parents broke up.my dad made it really longwinded and messy.he got really hateful and nasty and i saw a side to him i never had seen as a kid.i avided him because of this and as he tried to keep seeing me i thought ok ill give this a go.he just constantly blamed my mum for everything and lied and contradicted himself.what little respect i had for him soon dissapeared. i told him on a leter occasion i wanted nothing more to do with him.over time he has drifted away 9didnt attempt to send a card to me this year) its sad but i actually dont think he is a very nice person.it cuts me up to write this, thinking how he used to be so much fun when i was little but i really dont think i can every forgive or forget what he did and how he acted.
i really dont miss him now to be honest.i miss a father figure but he was never a strong one of those when i was little anyway.
nowadays my life just functions without him. dont know what i would do if he died tommorrow.dont really think id be that bothered??

on a seperate note i would say meet somewhere public and open, plus i would say dont drink any booze.it just clouds your judgement.when ive had a few im everyones mate and this is not what this is about.

We're all old enough and wise enough to make our own choice in life. I'm +1 for the kick him into touch, or atleast keep him at arms length camp.
Me and the missus wish the inlaws would just do one and snuff it.....no really. Rude, arrogant, selfish, oxygen wasters.
So he's your dad.....so what....you've managed this long without him. Unless it turns out he's been working for Mi5/SAS on secret missions all this time then tell him to sling it.

Some shocking people on this thread, there really is. I may be seeing a link between arsehole dads and their kids..!

Care to elaborate Molgrips?

yeh what's the worst that can happen?
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Unless it turns out he's been working for Mi5/SAS on secret missions all this time then tell him to sling it

Judging him before hearing his side of the story, or even meeting him? That's what I was talking about.

I'm not in the situation, so it's hard for me to say how I would feel. But I think that, unless the absent father had made life hell by leaving, I'd probably be quite welcoming initially. Can't see any reason to take his original leaving as a personal insult, nor his return as a problem. Unless he wants money or something unreasonable.

Judging him before hearing his side of the story, or even meeting him?

People can only speak from their own experiences, and only the OP knows the circumstances and facts specific to him, but sometimes parents do things that are so awful and selfish they lose their claim. And some parents are so venal and self-delusional that they see other people (including their children) as accessories to their own lies and never admit to their own mistakes - they make everything about them and how they've been wronged. And all of that ends up working over their children again and again, when the right thing for them to do would have been to look after themselves but build as high a wall as possible.

I was very lucky in my relationship with my parents but I have certainly seen others around me who weren't, and I wouldn't go tossing around the word "arsehole" if any of them urged caution for someone in the OP's position. So...

it's not a totally outrageous thing to think that someone who hasn't manifested any interest in the last decade and a half has lost the right to spend time with you and skepticism is well-placed.

Well it depends what their reasons are, doesn't it?

I'd never slam the door in anyone's face without hearing them out first. On principle. IF they turn out to be a c*ck then my all means go ahead.

I'm fine with caution, that's a good thing, but that's not what I was talking about.

39 and 5 days

Aye,so you are! running a shop must take it out of you 😀

I know you and think you are a decent bloke,other people speak well of you,why would he be any different? At the very least you and your sister have taken the moral high ground if you meet him.I didn't speak to my sister for 12 years for various reasons.In the end I decided life was too short and made up with her,still have no relationship,but in theory we are speaking.

Another vote for tj's suggestion (off to scrub myself now)

 

My male parent told the police he did what he did because that was what was done to him and he couldn't help himself and at more than one point, couldn't see the harm. It was "discipline". The police treated that with the contempt it deserved. Other agencies gave it greater breverty.
My daughter adores me and has never even had (nor needed) a stern word from me. That kind of blows the b*****d's theory to bits.
I treat parents of both male and female gender who do anything less than their damn level best with complete and utter contempt by default.
People who know me sometimes suggest I'm in the wrong job, my boss and colleagues think otherwise.
I would say the op owes nothing to his dad so go if you want to and don't if you don't. Either descision you make, as long as it's your descison is the right one.

If I'd made a shocking mistake, I'd be upset if no-one ever listened me trying to explain or apologise for it.

The worst thing you can ever do to me is not listen to what I have to say.

Actually, you're sort of acting like the worst type of parent and proving the point right there: you (hypothetically!) made a "shocking mistake" and yet all you can talk about how upset you feel and how other people have wronged you by not listening to you. Me me me me me me me...

Give him a call

He might be the one that won the euro millions lottery

--------
Seriously though
Dont harden your heart 😉
Phone, meet, talk.

As they say, it is better to regret things you have done, than things you haven't.

If you meet him do it on your arrangements, so it's you taking charge. Not him calling the shots. Meet him in a neutral venue at a time you choose. If he wants to see you now he will make the effort to be wherever, whenever.

Good luck

I wouldn't be bothered if he had won the Euromillions. Willy Wonka had a chocolate factory but you still wouldn't want him as ya dad. He could be a Joseph Fritzl in which case you'll probably want to kill him to death in the face.

i think me and my sister are gonna meet him somewhere neutral...

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How weird this thread is, I got a message via Facebook from my old man this morning after 17 years. Last time I saw him I was in my twenties, I can't even remember exactly. He was never around when I was growing up, working shifts and working abroad. When my parents split up he became angry and poisonous. The last thing he said to me was "**** off you little 5hit!".... nice!

In the message this morning he asked "Are you my long lost son" ha ha! He was the one who left, he didn't invite me to weddings saying that I would embarass him! He didn't invite me to his birthday. He didn't help with my growing up and development, if anything he had a negative effect.

Should he have another chance to **** everything up angain? No, I don't think so!

Good luck with your meeting. I hope it goes well.

met my father yesterday with my sister...completely underawed we both were...i was freindly and approachable but this slipped after spending 40 minutes doing small talk.at this point i suggested that maybe he would like to know what we'd been upto for most of our lives...we got a question each..

i dont think ill see him again...many thanks for all the input!

So glad you gave it a chance 🙂 Some people might say that you need to see him more than once, but if it didn't feel right and he wasn't making an effort then follow your instincts.

Well done to you and your sister 🙂

This exact situation happened to my brother with the same result.
He got the closure he needed.

all the best mate.

I cut my own Father off 25yrs ago. I was the one who said 'no more contact' and I've stood by that ever since. I do however send him updates; Grandfather etc but I don't want any contact coming the other way.

I don't believe in the bitterness-angle or the opposite of that either. I am perfectly happy.

Will I be a better parent? Who knows. I'll just continue being me.

All the best OP. No one can offer advise or tell you what you should do.

You decide.

At least you did it. Now you know. No what if's.

Well done, it must have been quite challenging for you both.

Now you can move on.

I wish my dad whoever he is would find me as he knows I exist and would be able to trace me just by visiting old grounds.
Though the only tantalising info I have is that he was an American airman based at Northolt in the late 50s, but was killed in an accident.

met my old man after a long hiatus (nearly 20 years)still see him fairly regular now but a bit strained not sure we will ever be proper family but life ios too short to be bitter IMHO. He as an utter c0ck though and he has been told this in no uncertain times, accepts this and has apologised for this... the little child who grew up without a dadddy cannot forgive him ever, the father I am now cannot fathom how he left his kids and the adult I am now tries to work at it but it is difficult