Never snapped the banjo but sounds nasty... how,do you actually fix it?!
After my first Colonoscopy Mrs W came to collect me, clearly the effect of the sedative had an effect on my brain / mouth when I decided to tell everyone in the reception area that "my bottom was no longer a virgin". I had a colonoscopy last week - oddly it was fascinating watching your insides on the big screen
Mine was when I was at school:
Messing about on the old PE wooden benches and I got a splinter in my arse cheek. Went to see if I could get it out in the loos but failed so had to pluck up the courage to go and see the school nurse. She had a poke about with a needle etc but couldn't get it out either so went and got one of the other nurses. She also failed. I think I ended up with a couple of nurses, a secretary and the head of 6th form all peering at my arse bent over the nurse's sink but all to no avail.
Had to spend the rest of the day sitting on the unaffected cheek before heading to A+E and having to explain the whole affair all over again. Eventually, I had a local anaesthetic and offending article cut out. Turned out to be 1.5 inches long and broken into two pieces so no wonder the school nurse struggled.
An awful lot of people saw my bare bum that day which as a 13 year old boy (not at a private school) was pretty embarrassing.
The Doc said it would eventually heal to me, he just said take it easy and if it happens again we will 'explore options'. He did not allude to what other options there were. Luckily (touch wood) has not happened again.
Never snapped the banjo but sounds nasty... how,do you actually fix it?!
never mind that, I have visions of your foreskin rolling right down and then continuing to roll round like a roller blind - like in the old Tom and Jerry cartoons
Probably a toss up between "I've either got a dvt or I've slept funny" in a&e, I'd slept funny. Or "basically my ex girlfriends ex boyfriends ex girlfriend has moved in with me and she has herpes and I need to check if I'm in the clear" fortunately I was.
Re the banjo. Mine never snapped and pissed blood everywhere, just repeated tears over time which bled a little and was just sore. They sliced it and reattached it a little lower, basically have no 'string' now. Much better design
I had a catheter inserted by a gorgeous 6ft blond Eastern Euro doctor after getting my collarbone plated, because they couldn't discharge me until I peed and I was proving somewhat stubborn in that regard.
As she was inserting it I had a sensation further down the pipe not dissimilar to the happy moment when one loses all control of the fluids within one's genital area. I gave her a split-second's notice to take evasive action before the cannon roared*.
Fortunately the almost completely inserted catheter took the brunt of the fusillade, but poor gorgeous doctor was still hit by some errant liquid shrapnel.
I apologised most profusely, and was discharged shortly afterwards. I should also add, having a catheter removed is far more unpleasant than having one inserted, which is pretty horrible on its own.
*'Cannon' and 'roared' may be somewhat exaggerated for theatrical effect.
The 6 week, post circumcision, lay off proved too much for me. Various methods were employed to try & gain some "relief", but it was inevitable that the inevitable would happen, & one particularly bored day the inevitable did happen.
A torn stitch whilst the old boy was in his engorged state was not pleasant. Where does all that blood come from ? It was a bloodbath.
I fractured my pelvis in an MTB crash in Switzerland, necessitating a helicopter ride out.
In hospital they were able to remove my baggies but then had to cut the lycra shorts off. I was unable to move, stand or roll over so I was dressed rather clumsily in an open back gown once they'd cut the shorts off and everyone had had a good look...
Anyway they were very keen for me to urinate to check it for any blood - breaking your pelvis can sever all sorts of delicate arteries that go through that area so they need to see there's no blood in the urine.
Lying on my back made it very difficult to go and I was on morphine and slightly out of it. Anyway eventually I relaxed enough to feel ready to go, called an orderly over and he placed a bowl in the right position. Then reached down and "adjusted me" to ensure correct positioning. 😳
After that, be disposed of the contents in the loo and then the doctor had a right go for not being able to examine it for blood!
Little shame left after a vasectomy.
Prior to that I'd had two operations for pilonidal sinus - don't Google it if your squeamish, but they had to excavate the top of the crack of my arse.
I half woke up after the first operation for the surgeon to tell me they'd had to excavate a bit more than normal. Drifted off to sleep and woke up in a blood soaked bed. The nurse went to change the dressings and said "Wow! I could fit my fist in there!" Apparently it was so big the surgeon had taken photos for his medical students.
There was then a month or so of my district nurse calling to change the dressings with an endless procession of trainee district nurses coming to admire the bottomless pit at the top of my arse.
Second operation was less severe, but just took months to heal properly. The district nurse involved this time decided to shave me back there in case the regrowing hair was preventing it healing, but had to get a colleague to help her as I kept tensing and she couldn't prise my arse cheeks apart and shave it with just two hands.
Oh,and if you ever need to have a proper check for moles/possible melanoma, they are VERY thorough. And they always have a team of mostly female student doctors who "need" to see the process.
Snapped banjo string, had it operated on under a general anaesthetic, woke up to a school friends mum who was a nurse inspecting the wound
Imagine one of those observation wards that are pretty small and have about 8 beds, now imagine it really busy at visiting time. This is when a junior doctor decided it would be a good time to ask me about my sexual history over the previous few years......and his parting comment as he opened the curtains....."because I think you may have SYPHALIS"
............everybody in the room was staring at me 😳
It turns out I has staphylococcus septicaemia (or something like that) from an insect bite and ended up in a pressurised room for a few days being pumped full of lots of anti-biotics.
I went through ivf to have my son, which includes having to produce some man goo in a room next to the lab. Horrific ! I am normally a 2 min regular sort of guy but whether it was the pressure or just too early/i hadnt had breakfast i struggled to produce the goods, despite a good 10 mins of fapping...This led to me having to tell the ivf doctor I was having issues. I was given a pretty poor raz mag to help (it didnt) and having to Lucozade up /have a 20 min break to get some sugar in me to have more pep.... thankfully it worked and i have a great son. He is huge (95th percentile, I am 5.10 ) so I often wonder if the orange sugarry Lucozade goodness contributed...
Some of my friends went through an IVF process to avoid a hereditary thing that would have meant if they had a son there was a 50-50 chance of this thing meaning a short life, most of the males in his wife's family died at 15 or so - anyway that's how I remember it, we were fairly drunk at the time.
Anyway to avoid it an IVF style thing at this fancy clinic on Harley street - once a month for nearly a year my mate had to take a train down the London, produce the goods, and come home again. Which was a long way to go for a **** in anyone's book.
15 years old. Full of hormones. RAF selection. Medical checks. The first person to delicately cradle my veg in their hands was a 50-odd year old female doctor. "Just checking for Lumps and bumps". Her ****ing hands were cold as well.
Fast forward 2 years and the next person to do it was a septagenarian male doctor. Took a while longer to persuade a female nurse to explore the same area for fun, but boy was it worth it!
should also add, having a catheter removed is far more unpleasant than having one inserted, which is pretty horrible on its own
Is this something you do regularly now that you learned that trick
You know that scene in 'There's something about Mary' when he gets his thingy caught in his zipper?...
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That. 😯
I remember there being pain. I remember there being blood. I had to get my Mum to help me to extricate myself.
I was about [s]35[/s] 8 at the time I think.
😐
Is this something you do regularly now that you learned that trick
No.
I'm not overly squeamish and consider myself pretty open-minded, but no.
Just no.
One of the lads i played rugby with had his right testicle ripped by a sharp stud, all the tubing inside was literally hanging down by his knees, not a dry eye on the pitch and the bar was very quiet after too. (same team used to have a lad with false eye, who's party trick was popping it out into peoples pints when they were stood there!)
I also once saw a mate attempt to jump over a barbed wire fence, which also has an electric part (who needs both!) Get a bit of the barb wire straight into his scrotum then was stuck in agony being intermittently shocked whilst trying to free his nutsack...
I did nothing to help apart from provide moral support in the form of hysterical unable to breath laughter
My day is better for reading all these tales, thank you all!
Mine is slightly sordid but true. 2nd trip to give a sample at the IVF place. Wasn't looking forward to it. Makes you feel a bit stained and cheap. The nurse (volunteer) was a little older than me and she would not **** off. Made lots of thinly disguised lewd suggestions including, "Now, are you sure you wouldn't like a hand?".
Spent ages wondering if I had perhaps just been a bit over sensitive but the memory of her licking her lips is enough to assure me otherwise. Seriously considered sticking in a complaint but it was pretty harmless, if a bit embarrassing.
Ooh - I have along, long list of moments. I’m just not sure you lot could cope.
Oh go on, spill the beans. You can't leave us hanging like sausages.
Oh go on, spill the beans. You can't leave us hanging like sausages.
No Sausage. No Beans.
Spent ages wondering if I had perhaps just been a bit over sensitive but the memory of her licking her lips is enough to assure me otherwise. Seriously considered sticking in a complaint but it was pretty harmless, if a bit embarrassing.
Now that sounds more than a little bit weird – at the very least it was very unprofessional. Going to drop off my little swimmers in a cup this very afternoon. I shall report back should I have any amusing anecdotes to share....
Phoned up the GP, and thanks to all the cutbacks and overworking them you now have to talk things through with the receptionist on the phone, before they arrange a call back from a nurse/GP, before you get an actual appointment.
Knowing this drill I'd already decided that shame was just going to mean more delays.
"and can I ask what the problem is"
"Yes, my left testicle is at least 3x bigger than it should be and very painful"
"..........(very long pause).......... errrrr, you could have just said it was personal"
Turned out to be shingles when the rash presented about 10 days later.
Having just returned from hospital after suffering from kidney stones, my most embarrassing moment is when the nurse gives you rectal suppository (still in the packet and for insertion later) in front of your mum
My dignity was sprinting down the road
Not embarrassing as such but most surreal was having 'the snip' several years ago in early December, there were 6 or 7 in the theatre at the time and the radio was playing the top 10 Xmas songs, the surgeon had never heard The Pogues 'Fairytale of New York' and was being ribbed about it as he went about his business, took my mind off what was going on but was the most bizarre medical incident I have ever been involved in 😀
"Mr Woody, you're not trying to swallow that are you?"
"Well what do you think I'm going to do with it, shoving it up my arse?"
I was on a business trip to France and had one of those nightmare streaming colds with runny nose, sneezing, watering eyes..... my colleague took me to a pharmacist who sold me some OTC suppository cold relief which to his great amusement at my discomfort he assured me were 'normal' in France.
They didn't work at all...... but then they wouldn't seeing as they went straight in the bin back at the hotel.
Like some others I sit on the other side of the fence.
and tbh its never the things above that stick in my mind, reading some of these make me think of similar experiences but these are what is expected, the routine.
The ones that stick in my mind are the ones where people have explored just what they can fit in holes... and then ask for the items back once they have been retrieved.... especially when the whole experience is preceded by some very elaborate story about how they always organise their candle collection naked....
I walked into the end of a barbell, cock first and floored myself. Full on stomach churning vomit inducing pain.
I then went on holiday for a week with a mate who was in Thailand.
After a few days at the beach, I had to admit to my mate, that I was concerned the blow to my nuts had done some damage, one was very tender and swollen. So off I went to the local private hospital on the island.
It was very busy, and full of western couples, all looking ill. I had to tell the receptionist I had a problem with my man parts, and they were very painful.
She handed me a large A4 book with photos of STDs in it asked me to look through it and see if I could identify my problem....I was given this large colour book, right next to a very prim and proper couple, whose wife had just fallen off a motorbike.
To make matters worse, she ushered me away from the desk to sit with the other patients, whilst clutching this, by that time A1 sized book of infected cocks.
Then to have to go into the doctors room, have a really pretty doctor fondle my balls, give me some antibiotics just in case I had managed to get an infection, and told me to come back in a week if the swelling hadn't gone down.
AND THEN, have to walk back out with a cup to piss in to check for blood in front of the same people who had seen me go in having been made to hold the book of gory cocks in front of them all.
Horrific. Gave up exercising shortly after that.
I walked into the end of a barbell, cock first and floored myself. Full on stomach churning vomit inducing pain.I then went on holiday for a week with a mate who was in Thailand.
Thailand? Was it Bang-Cock?
I'll get my coat......
Not me but a colleagues cousin...
Link kinda tells you all you need to know really...
The ones that stick in my mind are the ones where people have explored just what they can fit in holes...
Got a peanut stuck in my ear once.
Doctor poured some chocolate in and it came out a Treet.
IGMC
theotherjonv - Member
... your foreskin rolling right down and then continuing to roll round like a roller blind - like in the old Tom and Jerry cartoons
😯 I must have missed those cartoons
After one surgery (full anesthesia) I had problem peeing, it is pretty common problem apparently. Head nurse then decided that it was time to use a catheter.
I then heard a junior nurse muttering that "we have run out if small catheters" to which head nurse responds that use whatever size there is, it'll fit.
In my drug-induced haze I felt bit proud that I'd need bigger size until I learned that catheter goes inside your personal plumbing and not on top. Eek.
"You haven't been catherized before? This will sting a bit". Aargh..
a woman I work with was eating shepherd's pie while semi pissed.The next day she couldn't find her denture .The mystery was only solved about a month later when she finally gave in and reported her crippling stomach cramps. The medics found the false teeth by which point it had chewed its way into her bowel .she would have died within days but to her credit she laughed at the novelty chattering dentures I left on her desk when she came back to work
This is a "my mate.." story but if you think it's really my story, that's fine.
Anyway - my mate Sean (aged 15/16) was enjoying a Sunday night bath when thoughts got around to releasing some adolescent tension. Part way through his frenetic five fingered festivities, his frenulum was overstressed and duly snapped. It was a royal spurter and the water was soon great white attack red. Sean screamed in agony and fear and his mum came racing up the stairs to see what the hell was going on. On entering the bathroom, she saw her precious boy immersed in diluted claret and for some reason, thought he had slashed his wrists. She immediately passed out, smacking her head on Armitage Shank's finest and was knocked out cold. I can't imagine what his dad thought when he happened upon that scene.
I did my knee in a few years ago sliding on mud and using the tree stump for an anchor, i had this very young blonde who stitched me up 4 hrs it took her as there had to be internal stitches too, to cut a long story short she made a cracking job of it and i happen to be in the same ae with my son two months later and there she was im right off down to my pants just to show off her handywork my son was so embarrassed but i thought she should see how good her embroidery skills are
I've never lost as much dignity as the time I broke my collarbone.
Did it coming off the road bike, got a mate to pick me up and drop me off at A&E.
Nurse managed to get my top off and then send me for an x-ray. I had to walk through the whole of casualty and into the main hospital in just my bibshorts and fully cleated road shoes. I'm a fair way above an ideal weight and have nothing like a physique that looks good in lycra, so I hobbled/slid/clopped my way to the x-ray department sounding like a broken horse and looking like a failed Mexican wrestler!
[quote=mmannerr ]After one surgery (full anesthesia) I had problem peeing, it is pretty common problem apparently
Both times I've had a general I've had to have a pee before they've let me go home - both for hernias though, so not sure if that also affects things. Don't think there was any offer of catheters - were you an in patient?
Though having not thought I had one, I suppose that does bring to mind an embarrassing medical moment - sitting around in the waiting area drinking water and discussing whether or not we could pee with all the others in a similar predicament.
Made lots of thinly disguised lewd suggestions including, "Now, are you sure you wouldn't like a hand?".
So you went private?
^^ They told me I had to be emptied because of bladder was getting close to bursting. Going home was not option in this case due injuries.
After that incident I have been able to do the thing without help. The body remembers... 🙂
as a yoot I'd properly smashed myself up courtesy of an over-active right wrist.......although this was connected to the throttle of a 600cc bike not a fragile banjo string (for once)
I thought I might be able to 'do a Glastonbury' and simply go without a poo whilst I was in hospital, but as it dawned on me I was going to be there for many weeks not just a few days I bowed to the inevitable and requested the paper tray for a bed-bound dump and had the curtains drawn around my bed. I won't dwell on the effort to lift myself into position with feet, ankles, legs, wrists, hands and fingers all smashed, let alone that to squeeze out a monster dump whilst in a prone position......but there were tears in my eyes.
When done, and feeling quite proud of myself, I placed the tray on my legs and pressed the big red button for the nurse / HCA to take it away. Nothing happened for a minute or two until the curtain was pulled back by an entire crash team who then explained the difference the 'call a nurse' button and the 'I'm dying' alarm
Sat in A&E with a foot injury feeling somewhat less sorry for myself after reading this thread.