[Closed] monogamy.....

have you talked to your gf about these thoughts..?
I think that's the key to good monogamy

I thought it was a type of hard wood?

I'm sure the STW self-righteous brigade will be along shortly to tell you that by merely having these thoughts you've been unfaithful already.

Who asked who to meet up?

I don't believe that there is only one person in the whole world for each of us. Chances are that you'll meet several potential partners, before, during and after any ongoing relationship.

Different people have different standards. The biggest issues are caused when the 2 people involved have differing opinions on what is acceptable and what is not...

Me, I've never been unfaithful and don't think I could be even if it was offered on a plate, I'd have a guilty conscience overload! But that's not to say I'm any more right than the next person, it's just me personally. But being as I am, I do expect total faithfulness from anyone I enter into a relationship with too...

Never stops me looking mind! 😉

Look but don't touch was a phrase my wife told me years ago.

I could of on more than one occasion, but never did. Wasn't worth losing what I have for an unknown

Mahogany is a construction. Same with marriage. Not a bad thing bit not natural either.

I take it you find it hard to say no. Or simply find someone you care about.

Swans stay together for life, and they are nicer than humans, so monogamy must be right. I swear I could see tears in the eyes of one when I shot it's partner and dumped the body in a lake.

Swans? Oh no.....here we go again!

Druidh makes a good point.

I thought it was a type of hard wood?

There could indeed be hard wood involved here Tazzy 🙂

but it did make me realise how hard monogamy is.

you might be doing it wrong.
Plus... your life isn't just about you or meant to be easy all the time. There are other people involved.

Interesting that everyone just takes monogomy as a given and therefore considers anything else to be 'cheating' or an affair.

I think monogomy is a social norm, and probably one of the strongest ones in our society. However, that doesn't mean it is the only option. I have had two very long term relationships over my life - one was monogomous and one was non-monogomous. Both required discussion, honesty and sometimes compromise. Neither were 'right' and neither were 'wrong'.

Maybe it would be better if as a society we at least were more accepting of ways of life that step outside our standard concepts of what is acceptable? From what I can gather, it is the 'lying' that can cause the greatest sense of betrayal if someone has a fling with another person outside of their main relationship. Would that be alleviated if we were prepared to question and discuss whether monogomy is always the right type of relationship for everyone?

why has no one asked for pictures of the two ladies involved so we can make a proper decision?

My lady killing skills are so poor anyway I've got to hang onto the one i've got, wouldn't be able to find another 😀

Interesting that everyone just takes monogomy as a given and therefore considers anything else to be 'cheating' or an affair.

I think monogomy is a social norm, and probably one of the strongest ones in our society. However, that doesn't mean it is the only option. I have had two very long term relationships over my life - one was monogomous and one was non-monogomous. Both required discussion, honesty and sometimes compromise. Neither were 'right' and neither were 'wrong'.

Maybe it would be better if as a society we at least were more accepting of ways of life that step outside our standard concepts of what is acceptable? From what I can gather, it is the 'lying' that can cause the greatest sense of betrayal if someone has a fling with another person outside of their main relationship. Would that be alleviated if we were prepared to question and discuss whether monogomy is always the right type of relationship for everyone?

Quite possibly the most sensible and balanced post i've ever seen on here Sue (i'm being serious) - on STW for goodness sake, and before 8.30 am!

balanced post, Sue....

i've often thought that if mt GF did have a kiss with someone then i'd rather not know. i'd rather i wasn't told or we'd end up risking losing what we've got.

is it worth throwing it all away (nine years!) for the sake of some lustful action?

our closet relative are apes and they sahg each other all the time.

they also defecate in their hands and throw feaces at one another.

Thats a regular thread on here for some then?

That is not really much of a species differentiator. I know students that do that...

Monogamy is hard, but if you want a relationship to last, you have to work at it sometimes. By the way, even though there may be nothing deeper in just meeting up, your other half may not understand. Mine still refuses to believe that I did no have a relationship of some sort with a lass at work, despite me repeatedly saying otherwise and this being backed up by a lot of other people. It's always a good way for her to start an argument and has lost me a good friend.

OP. Isn't it just a little grass-is-greener blip? I think it's only human now and again to wonder what if. . . And then you think about what you've got and decide that it's pretty good really and worth hanging onto.
To Sue. My ex cheated on me and I know I cannot cope with being systematically lied to. I wouldn't have liked it if he had been honest either - it's monogamy for me - but each to their own and I agree it is the lying that is the worst part.

our closet relative are apes and they sahg each other all the time.

they also defecate in their hands and throw feaces at one another.

no wonder their mrs's go off with other apes then

@ karin...

the green is very green where i am right now. the grass on the other side is also green. it wasn't some green lust. i like my friend very much and care for her too. i think she feels the same. if we acted upon our feelings then something would - with 100% garuntee - happen.

my GF knew where i was and who i was with. i phoned up late in the evening to let her know i'd be back late. i rolled in at 6 a.m.

yesterday was a great day.

bit confused.

I found that thoughts of other women became insignificant once I was lucky enough to find Mrs Grips. Sure there are many amazing people out there, but Mrs Grips is so awesomely right for me that I realise nothing else could ever work out as well.

Makes it all very easy.

I think there is a trade-off between the search for the ideal partner and the security of a good one. People are quite right to consider that too.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Beware the non consomethinged affair or the platonic affair.

Women and men tend to think differently on this. to men its what you do that counts, to women its what you feel. So even an affair where you hardly touch may be seen as a betrayal if you invest so much emotion in the other woman. returning at 6 am?

I see what you describe as stepping over a line or certainly coming close to it.

In general monogamy appears to be what works beat for people

There's no green grass on the other side, only a patio.

With a swan's body buried under it.

Swans don't wander because they'd break your arm if you looked at another swan!

I've heard that "cycling" can come in handy...

alpin - Member

@ karin...

the green is very green where i am right now. the grass on the other side is also green. it wasn't some green lust. i like my friend very much and care for her too. i think she feels the same. if we acted upon our feelings then something would - with 100% garuntee - happen.

my GF knew where i was and who i was with. i phoned up late in the evening to let her know i'd be back late. i rolled in at 6 a.m.

yesterday was a great day.

bit confused.

To be frank you sound a bit like a self centred, egotistical, bellend who just wants to tell us lot that at leats 2 women fancy you and find you attarctive!!

You got home at 6am? Having spent the night with another woman? I would not be happy if I were your GF, I know it's 2011 and men and women can be just friends, but no, not out all night, sorry, you would be packing your stuff up now (from off the front lawn and while dodging various missiles). Of course I accept I don't have all the facts but so what Lol
Confused? Concussed more like! 🙂

I wouldn't mind having a bit on the side, but frankly it is just too much trouble.

I guess that just makes me lazy

you would be packing your stuff up now (from off the front lawn and while dodging various missiles)

Lol!

Alpin if you need a place to stay let me know 😉

oddjob, I like your style. 😆

Karinofnine - Member
You got home at 6am? Having spent the night with another woman? I would not be happy if I were your GF, I know it's 2011 and men and women can be just friends, but no, not out all night, sorry, you would be packing your stuff up now (from off the front lawn and while dodging various missiles). Of course I accept I don't have all the facts but so what Lol
Confused? Concussed more like!

Are you joking?

nah, life's good, thanks molgrips.....

just got me thinking about the whole one-on-one forever and ever idea.

it's not the first time i got home late.

willard - Member
....
[s]Monogamy[/s] being in a relationship is hard
....

Fixed that for you.

Being in any relationship is hard work, whether it's with one person, or multiple. You have to find someone you trust, and who trusts you to be honest with them. It's all about communication, finding compromise and being totally honest about how you feel.

People often say that they are monogamous because they can only truly love one person. If you have multiple children/pets/bikes, are you only capable of loving one of them?

timc - part tongue in cheek, part not - why? What would you do? You wouldn't mind your partner being out all day and all night with a friend of the opposite sex? What would you say on their return? Hi honey, have a good time? Anyway, the OP has stated he has more than 'just friends' feelings for the other woman, so there IS something going on. ,

timc - Member

Are you joking?

If my other half had done thins then its probably what she would get and I would expect to get my marching orders if I had stayed out all night with another woman and was clearly emotionally involved with them

alpin - tell your girlfriend about it and how you feel and see how she reacts?

timc - part tongue in cheek, part not - why? What would you do? You wouldn't mind your partner being out all day and all night with a friend of the opposite sex? What would you say on their return? Hi honey, have a good time? Anyway, the OP has stated he has more than 'just friends' feelings for the other woman, so there IS something going on. ,

Karinofnine - Member
timc - part tongue in cheek, part not - why? What would you do? You wouldn't mind your partner being out all day and all night with a friend of the opposite sex? What would you say on their return? Hi honey, have a good time? Anyway, the OP has stated he has more than 'just friends' feelings for the other woman, so there IS something going on. ,

Id put their stuff all over the lawn before they returned, 🙄

Ofcourse there would be question marks, but you ask questions, not make presumptions... well i do anyway

you come across as the kind of women who ironically ends up driving their partner to stray by being a weirdo, I await your abuse 😈

TandemJeremy - Member

timc - Member
If my other half had done thins then its probably what she would get and I would expect to get my marching orders if I had stayed out all night with another woman and was clearly emotionally involved with them

No indication of knowing the emotion envolvement, plus your a bit weird anyway 😉

ok timc, I've already told you it was partly tongue in cheek - A JOKE
As for wierd, you've bracketed me in with TJ - a man for whom I have a great deal of time and respect - so, thank you.
You're obviously looking for an argument which I am not going to give you as I am going to go for a bike ride.

so you can make jokes, but cant take them, calm down on your ride xxx

Someone pointed out to me there's no harm in keeping all your eggs in two baskets. I jest. The point is the truth will out, always. Nothing's the same again. The thought could be better than the reality. You might have jumped for the wrong ship.
Weigh it all up, go ahead and do it, then find all this out for yourself.

one thing led to another and could have gone much further, but being responsible people it didn't.

If i was your GF id be out of the picture at this,even if you told me or worse i found out later, regardless of it not going further, this time.

why hang around to be second best to whatever might just happen along, you might not be feeling so responsible the next time.

trust is a hard thing to give to someone, it would be quite hard for me to give it back to someone who betrayed it.

Marsdenman:

Quite possibly the most sensible and balanced post i've ever seen on here Sue (i'm being serious) - on STW for goodness sake, and before 8.30 am!

Thanks 🙂 I was just trying to say that not being monogomous is not necessarily synonymous with lying to your partner, and that, like many social norms, it is always interesting to question and debate what are supposedly 'accepted' ways of behaving.

TimC - I think these topics are always worthy of debate, but some of your comments to Karinofnine are rather unnecessarily personal and critical.

I didnt think they were that bad, just ironically Presumptuous?

its a chemical trick, your instinct is to mate with as many partners as possible, no wonder it makes you horny. I say a real man can withstand the urges and stick with his bird. Once you've shagged the other bird and effed up your current life (which might be a good thing to do I'm not judging) you will realise that a hole is a hole and all sex is just a very posh ham shandy, designed to get you in as much trouble as possible.

Try thrapping one off next time you think about calling her, then have a think obout how your life might change for the best or worse. and then see if your fingers do the dialling..

I think [b]SWANS[/b] are [b]EVIL[/b].

Not as evil as geese. They always hiss at me when I ride past on my bike. Always.

alpin - tell your girlfriend about it and how you feel and see how she reacts?

No idea discuss with your partner how you feel without naming names saying how hard you find being monogamous.

Are gay swans monogamous too?

sorry to say binners... but they've got a horrible reputation for being complete slags.

gay swans... not gays in general.

I suspected as much. The feathery depraved bastards!

i hope you're still talking about swans...

thinks better of hugely inappropriate joke

What about ducks ? I like ducks, but they do gang rapes until the lady duck is dead and then they carry on a bit more. Cluster-necro-[b]d[/b]uck.

I don't mind ducks.

They've got their priorities right.

Swans aren't whiter than white either.

Are you being racialstic at ethinic swans ?

So you went out with a nice girl you like, stayed out till 6am and didn't do the dirty?

If I had a monacle I'd stare pointedly at you through it.

[img] [/img]

I'm not an expert by any means, but I don't think those two are swans.

Oh, and I am not racialistic at all, I treat trumpeters, mutes and blacks all the same.

alpin, you've posted stuff like this before haven't you?
You sure this isn't some sort of social experiment to try and find out what makes us tick, a'la the allotment annexing thread from last year?

Personally for me Binners is sound until Brad leaves Angelina then he's toast BUT we have had a frank and open conversation about it and he knows how the land lies.... its all about being honest you see....

He has posted stuff like this before.. makes you wonder...

I think STW is clearly his dear Deardrie, absolve me of my sins....

OP - I have viewed, contributed to, and even started, topics on relationship stuff on STW and this one is particularly interesting.

I have learnt, through my long and varied life, that people are strange creatures and have various interpretations of honesty and truth. Perhaps admitting you have feelings for this 'other' woman, even to yourself, is the most honest of all. Would feeling this and stifling it be any more honest or just more devious as you are hiding it even deeper?

Morals are also something that seems to mean different things to different people, and I'm not talking about this in a multi-cultural way, but right here in contemporary Britain. Interesting examples I have come across are a woman who has three children by different fathers and has had two abortions, but she finds the though of her boyfriend in a close relationship (even non physical) highly immoral! Now I'm not judging her life here, just finding her 'moral' standards a little confusing!

Another is is a woman I know who has set up home with a man who walked out on his 5 children to be with her (her own child was put into permanent care years ago) and has not seen them for several years, but who thinks 'cheating' is a terrible 'sin'. I think you will agree it's confusing.

I think the thing is our modern lack of moral direction, in the past we relied on the church to tell us what was right and wrong, now we have odd snippets of that 'thou shall not' past mixed in with teenage playground understandings and none of it makes any real sense. I think most people get their relationship education from their peers in school where it's 'fill your boots' for the boys and 'don't let him unless he really loves you' for the girls. This is then continued through adulthood by girly chats and womens magazines, and for the men locker room banter and men's magazines

What we need, as a nation, is a new moral code - a handbook if you like - that is issued to everyone, it would avoid all this confusion, and I'm sure STW members could help write it.

While we are waiting for this new handbook all you can do OP is follow your heart! You can never know the outcome of your choices before hand no matter how hard you try so, think it trough and trust your own judgment as you are the one who has to live with it.

Where's Hora when you need him? There are some obvious flash grenade opportunities on this thread. He's losing his touch.

Oh... and I'm voting TJ writes the handbook 😀

Blimey it all sounds confusing and Mrs Hillsplease is a bit old testament on such matters and I understood this afore we got hitched.

On the more pressing matter of aquatic waterfowl I prefer moorhens.

I dunno, your missus didn't seem bothered when you were out the other night..

Right hand (or left if you fancy a change) big box of tissues. Job done.

If you are not happy with your current partner get rid, life's too short!

nibby - Member

If you are not happy with your current partner get rid, life's too short!

druidh is right. You may always meet better potential matches than your current one. If the attraction is mutual, the feelings are very compelling and resisting the urge is taxing. But deciding how too behave for the best outcome (for everyone) is key.

The lowest-energy long-term approach is often to pick a partner wisely*, and if they turn out alright, stick with them: Manogamy

*a total minefield in itself

Just lay off ducks 'kay?

A bit like bikes then. Perfectly happy with your current ride until the latest model comes out and you are tempted by that. The only problem is that it will usually cost you a lot more than a new bike 😀

temptation can you resist 😈

i heard dolphins are just gay sharks

Nibby - are you calling alpin's partner a bike? thin ice! 😆