[Closed] married?been cheated on? if you forgave her did you ever get back to how u were?

The Punctuation Police are gonna be all over this like a rash.

that sounds shite mate and I feel for you.

what's your gut feeling on it? generally its the right course of action even though it might be the hardest.

have you got any mates who can put you up for a bit? parents or other family?

If she ain't been making the beast with two backs it will be easier.

this

our relationship was rocky before and we both didnt really make the effort.

One for professional counselling [i]if and only if [/i]you [i]both[/i] want it to work again

Would she have done this if things had not been already rocky?

Congratulations on the use of a phrase from the 1500's, TJ!

I don't think you ever could forget. Whether you could forgive only you can really know the answer to that.

If it was me I know I couldn't forgive so I think I would have to walk away no matter how hard it might be financially.

Is she likely to do the same thing again?

Maybe it's worth using this as a trigger to get your relationship back on track; if that happens then great, otherwise may be time to call it a day.

TJ makes sense, though in my view however good it is afterwards, you can never undo what has been done - it's how you both decide to go forwards that makes the difference.

Time to sit down and be frank with each other. But not in front of the children. It's sh*t when you're a kid and your parents are in a mess, so sort it between you (either way) before hand.

You need to be reasonable now - get to the root of where it's been going wrong and either decide how to work out what's best for both of you or, better, consider professional advice on how to work through it.

Remember, the people most hurt will be your kids. Make sure both of you look after them above all else.

Good luck.

just kissing and that

How do you know this?

This:

missus has had an affair for three weeks

doesn't tie up with, this:

would have ran off with him if he would have done the same.she was in tears for days because he is gone.

My cynical side is saying she told you the least she thought she could get away with. I reckon I would always have questions/doubts and would have to bin it.
Not got kids or anything though, so not sure if that would change my view.

TJ gives the best advise - counselling, but it might be tough to get over. I'm sorry for you mate. If it was me I'd kick her out.

fairly tame-just kissing

Your definition of fairly tame differs greatly from mine

if she thought about shagging him, thats just the same as actually doing it.

and she very likely did, but is too spineless to tell you, not that you actually want to know.........

You became her ex when she had the affair that she didn't want to finish. The bloke who cleared off is now, in her eyes, her most recent ex. I wouldn't believe for a second the idea that they didn't shag, though it's possible in some parallel universe I haven't visited. Time to sort the CDs out and move on, or forgive her and wait for the next affair. Sorry.

If it were just to two of ye then I'd show her the door - not worth the heartache of trying to winch the relationship up out of the mineshaft it currently resides in.
With a family, though, it's just so much more complicated. Most of us are going to put up with a lot to try and keep things together for the kids. How old are they? If you're both on the same page with putting the bairns first then I'd roll the sleeves up and start picking up the pieces. If she's baldly pining after another fella, though, it doesn't sound good.

How does divorce work in this situation - can you f_ck her right off out of it and keep the kids, because of her infidelity? [probably not :(]

i'd walk away, take the hit

i really cant decide if i could forgive her and to be frank [b]she hasnt once begged me to do so[/b].

Some real remorse on her part would be the only way I could comprehend working at it IMO.

I'll tell you to MTFU whether you like it or not.

Neither have been making the effort? OK, why have [b]YOU[/b] not been making the effort? Relationships are a two way street. If you had made more effort would your wife have reciprocated accordlingly? Have you been negelctful? Be honest with yourself before sitting down with her.

She says she would have run off with him had the opportunity arisen but [i]would[/i] she? 2 children involved. I doubt she would have dumped them.

As TJ said, it's one for the professionals but you both need to be fully honest with each other.

Oh, and good luck.

Walk away..She's probably thinking of him right now as she flicks the bean

Time to move on fella. When you've reached this point there really is no going back. Literally

I did about 18 months ago. Its been really really hard. Unbearable at times. But you have to take a long term view. No matter how much that hurts in the short term. Just concentrate on looking forward.

Staying together for the sake of the kids is the most profoundly stupid decision that anyone could ever make. This much I know. Nobody benefits. If you do, then neither of you will be happy.

If your citing finances etc as a reason for staying then that pretty desperate. The only thing that's important is your mental health. The rest will follow. Put up with the initial hit and move on with your life

Walk away..She's probably thinking of him right now as she flicks the bean

😆

leaving aside the punctuation, the only thing you've listed as a positive reason for staying together is financial - doesn't seem like a robust basis for an intimate relationship.

I'm surprised that you're surprised - if your relationship was rocky, and neither of you is making an effort to improve it, then it was probably only a matter of time before one of you started playing away.

I think Dear Deidre has a leaflet about this.

My opinion, if it was rocky before, it's over now.

yep we have two kids.
my gut feeling is to forgive.i consoled her first when she told me.it took twenty mins or more for it to sink in and then i broke down.
i found an email that is to a friend stating what happened and he got cold feet before it became sex.
we have previously been to relate and sexual counceling to try and improve the relationship.relate helped a little bit.
she says she felt an amazing spark with this guy that we never have had.i think that it would always be exciting as its breaking the rules and the spark would go in time.she thinks he was "the one"
it could trigger something good to come out of this.im going to change my behaviour and be a bigger better man from now on regardless of where i end up..

Why was it rocky before? Why were neither of you attempting to improve things?

I think you need to see this dalliance as a symptom of what has gone wrong in the relationship. You need to man up and accept some blame for what has gone wrong in the marriage. It takes two to tango.

How opld are you? She [i]might[/i] be so upset because she thinks her last chance at happiness has gone and / or she has ****ed up the marriage and not got anything out of it.

edit

this

it could trigger something good to come out of this.im going to change my behaviour and be a bigger better man from now on regardless of where i end up..

Of course you can make it work - whatever it was that brought you together in the first place can be rekindled. Me and t'missus have had our difficulties and indeed separated for a year but got back together. 20 yrs later we are still together ( 30 yrs in total)

I am very much in favour of counselling. Its a good way of cutting thru the crap.

"Neither have been making the effort? OK, why have YOU not been making the effort? Relationships are a two way street. If you had made more effort would your wife have reciprocated accordlingly? Have you been negelctful? Be honest with yourself before sitting down with her."

chers coyote, you pretty right there man.

we have had the most honest,baring your soul chats about this.i fact all we do is talk non stop about it.calmly as well which is really weird..

Even on an issue like this people on STW still take the pi55 time and a place people.
As other says really your decision.
I suspect she is not telling you everything re affair. Willing to leave but only kissed does not add up to me.
No remorse make me think it will be harder for you to forgive and move on as she is not asking you to!
Seems a symptom of a poor relationship overall but above has not helped.
Try relate or walk away.

Walk away. I tried to work through a big betrayal once (not an infidelity though) and it WILL rear it's ugly head sometime in the future, then you'll wish you'd just walked away when you had the chance.

The kids make this very hard, but I don't think you'll ever get over this.

Best of luck mate, hope you work things out and don't lose too much...

:o(

Shocking punctuation junkyard 🙄

OP - Follow TJ's advice. Financial reasons aren't enough and will likely just mean it drags out to the same conculsion but over more time.

Staying together for the kids is a lousy idea. I was so happy when my dad (=serial adulterer) finally moved out & put an end to the constant arguements between him and my mother.

From what you have said I think you deserve better than her. If she was genuinely remorseful and wanted it to work with you it may be a different story but it sounds, on face value, that she did what she did and is expecting you to accept it simply because she admitted it to you.

Why did she tell you after he had called it off anyway?

i have to say im with you TJ. im 34 and shes 36.we have been together for 11 years but we have always been turbulent.we fought violently to star with got over that after a year and it got better but we have always bikkered and sniped.i never want to go back to bikkereing.that is a deff no. our sex life has been mediocre for some years and we have been taking each other for granted for years to.the kids and little money made it really crap at times(she also has three older kids who live with us so we botha re carrying five in total)
it could be a huge kick up the bum.but it could keep hurting.i also think give it a go again.whats the worst that could happen..id be on my own...thats about to happen anyway.maybe one last go at it after we both have had the shock of our lives...?

she thinks he was "the one"

Seems to suggest to me that in her eyes your not.

Im afraid to say if it was me i'd be thinking 'Eject, eject, eject'

we have had the most honest,baring your soul chats about this.i fact all we do is talk non stop about it.calmly as well which is really weird..

It's a start. Go with it. Things can be turned around if the will is there.

Good to see how many people on here view relationships and family as a disposable commodity...

it could be a huge kick up the bum.but it could keep hurting

Will you ever be able to make love to her again knowing that she's done what she's done?

If it was just a passionate fumble, I'd say that could be forgiven, but it sounds like she's fallen in love with this guy, or at least she thinks she has...

Telling ya mate, you're storing up a whole heap of anger that will manifest itself at some point in the future.

You don't want to be the next Michael Ryan/Derreck Bird do you?

Coyote - Member
Good to see how many people on here view relationships and family as a disposable commodity...

Pretty stupid thing to say. Plenty of people know that a relationship founded on fear of being alone/poor can be worse for all (inc kids) than a clean split.

Coyote - Member

Good to see how many people on here view relationships and family as a disposable commodity...

I think she's the one that did this...

^^^Agrees with Clubber

she was acting so weird.was suddenly really into me and sex with me.she was crazy and i was over the moon.i questioned it but she just bull shitted me etc.she says she wanted me becuse she felt so good as i said when upset that when we were shagging she was thinking of him.but she swears blind it wasnt so and he just made her feel alive and special etc and so she wanted me.
then loads of text messages etc etc.then suddenly she is all depressed and crying all the time.i kept pushing for an answer and being really supportive which made her crack and she fessed up.

To put it in a slightly odd way. If I were your doctor and I said to you:

"Your hand is ****ed, its never going to get better, its only ever going to be 60% useful and its always going to cause you pain for the rest of your life. However we can cut it off, its really going to hurt and continue to hurt for a year or so, but you'll grow another one eventually and that will be better."

Which option would you choose.

I forgave, the first time, and mostly forgot. Until the second time. And the one after that.

Yes, I'm a slow learner, but I got there in the end.

To answer your question, yes it is possible, but there may be a deeper issue.

"Telling ya mate, you're storing up a whole heap of anger that will manifest itself at some point in the future"

This is my main worry.i thought there would be more people on here who have "been there"...

nols, thats a very eye opening way of looking at it...

Do you want a deep and meaningful relationship or a superficial one and perhaps for the short term an easy life? Former - dump her, latter go and have an affair yourself, see how she like it. Any settlement is likely to be better now on gounds of infidelity on her part. Most inportantly you'll get over it and wonder what all the fuss was about.

odannyboy - Member
i thought there would be more people on here who have "been there"...

There probably are mate, but I bet most of them would rather not share their experiences.

Trust is the issue here - you might be able to forgive her, you might even be able to forget her indiscretion. But trust is almost impossible to restore after such a betrayal. Let's face it, you probably trusted her 100%, and she did this to you. Even if you were strong enough to get any where near that level of trust in future, you'd know that any minute she could throw it all away. That will eat away at you.

Zebras don't change their stripes.

If it's any concelation, I divorced last year after trying to patch up a sinking relationship for 6 years. It was only after I left that I realised there was a lot more 'patch' than 'relationship'. Admittedly, as I said, infidelity wasn't involved, and we didn't have kids - we were heading down that route when I realised it wasn't a strong enough relationship to bring children into. But I've never looked back, and whilst I lost the house, all my furniture etc, I have a sort of stability that you can only get by cutting out the cancer that is a partner you can't trust or rely on.

Any settlement is likely to be better now on gounds of infidelity on her part. Most inportantly you'll get over it and wonder what all the fuss was about.

You'd be surprised how little difference this makes. Long gone are the days when courts punished infidelity.
Unless you can prove that her behaviour is a threat to your childrens' wellbeing, it'll make no difference the financial settlement.

Falling knives and runaround wives... Don't try to catch them.

shobolith - whereas I was in a similar position and indeed separated for a year - but got back together and are still together 20 yrs on.

It can work. We had to carefully rebuild our relationship from scratch which took effort and goodwill from both of us

Think back to when you both first met - when there wasn't the reality of underwear drying on the radiator and babysitting to sort before going out. Think back to how you saw each other. She was looking at this bloke through the rose-tinted eyes of fiction and fantasy and not sharing a bathroom, looking after kids and worrying about money. He was an escapist fantasy to focus upon.
Do things as adults, without kids, just for you two. Some people forget that when they take each other for granted.

there is a general opinion that im feeling here.what i dont get i why i "think" it would be ok to forgive her.why will i consider this when otheres havent? am i just weak or do i appreciate the closeness we did have sometimes.it wasnt all bad...when im away from her i can be angry and strong but when she is there i just loose those feelings?
this is so hard..

I'm sorry to hear this mate, it really is completely sh1te.

I'd echo what other posters have said about counselling: it can be a good thing, but only if both of you really wnat to save the relationship. It sounds like you do, and that's as brave a thing to do as walk away (I'm sure some will disagree with this, but we're all entitled to our views).
However, you can only do 50% of the healing of the relationship. If your missus isn't 100% committed to trying to make it work, counselling will be time and money wasted, as you'll end up going your separate ways sooner or later; whether she leaves you or vice versa, it's immaterial, and, yes, you, she and your kids will suffer. Better, then, to call it off now.
I do think you can learn from counselling what went wrong and how to avoid it in future, but as you've already said you're talking to each other a lot now, calmly and honestly, and that's a process which can help you learn more about yourselves.
I wish you the best of luck, fella.

too tall, that is very very good advise...and would have worked...before this..

I would suggest, before you make any choices, that you find out what options and support are available to you.

Get legal advice on your standing.
Do not under any circumstances move out of your house until you have legal advice. You may also wish to look into applying for custody of your children.
Go to the citizens advice bureau and find out what financial help you can get
http://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/

Sadly, people who cheat sadly tend to cheat again. If you stay together you run the risk she will just cheat and leave you in a couple of years anyway. Also staying together 'for the kids' as my parents claimed they did, did nothing at all to benefit my sister or myself - you are left with an unstable unhappy home which is 'all your fault' or seems so as a child.

Best of luck to you and your kids whatever you decide. I am sorry you have been hurt and cheated on. No one deserves to be lied to in that way.

It's the easy option mate. It's far easy to make that 'decision' now because the alternative is losing your home, access to your kids, bikes, etc.

It's easy to just 'say' "OK, I'll forgive her, move on, forget about it".

Unfortunately, I don't think the reality will be as easy. I made that mistake, I thought that taking her back was the easiest option because the alternative was to completely rewrite my life plan and start from scratch on my own. Now, 7 years later, I wish I'd snatched the opportunity to start from scratch rather than letting it mumble along for another 6 years, become far more complicated, and still end in separation.

I understand TJ's stance, but do you want to sacrifice your life to try and make a bad relationship work?

You deserve better. If you honestly think you can get past this, good luck to you, but be 100% sure why you're making that decision.

You want to forgive her because you love her. Still, despite this. That's why it hurts you.
Actually, that gives me hope for your future. You're not talking like an angry man, but a hurt man who's trying to make sense of what's happened to his family. If you were overwhelmingly angry and negative, I don't think there'd be any point in you trying to restore the relationship.

As TJ says, this could just be one big wake-up call... IF she feels the same way.

cheers all for this.it is beneficial.
got to go and try and do some work now...i will be back soon for more tho

Yes, I've been there. She cheated, I begged her to stay, she left to have a string of relationships, I was gutted and did not cope well at all. When she came back three years later asking if we could try again, I immediately agreed.

But that lasted all of two months. It took me that long to admit to myself that I just did not trust her any more. And that wasn't fair on either of us. So when that ended we finally divorced.

odannyboy -

a lot of what you have got here is bitter mens views. remember that STW is not a good cross section of the population.

You want the relationship to work. One of the things that has to happen for that is for you to forgive.

Give yourself some time - no immediate descisions. Get professional help.

Of course " staying together for the sake of the kids" is bad. However rebuilding a loving relationship is good. It can be done.

I know women wha are serial adulterers ( and totally messed with a mates head) and I wouldn't advise attempting to remain with someone like that but to me in this case it would appear the " affair" was as result of the relationship having problems not the cause of them.

If she wants to make it work of course you can.

Shibboleth - Member

I understand TJ's stance, but do you want to sacrifice your life to try and make a bad relationship work?

No you don't - its only worth making the effort if you can make a bad relationship into a good one and my experience is is that this is possible.

She strayed, she's the one that should move out IF it comes to that. Hope it doesn't but rose tinted spectacles don't suit me

bitter mens views

I wonder what the posts would be like if it was him straying and her posting on Mumsnet...

Just to add my 2p worth, have been there myself, forgave (could never quite get myself to forget) it ate away at me for months, I constantly doubted myself, wondering why I wasn't good enough, let myself get turned into a complete doormat, which he took advantage of and treated me even worse.

Eventually I found out about numerous other affairs, including attempts with my 2 closest friends.

Walking away was hard, I went for a very comfortable life, to living from pay check to pay check, it would have been so much easier to stay, and I did consider staying and just having my own string of affairs to get back at him. It was hard, it hurt like mad, I lost all confidence and self worth.

But looking back 10 years later, I wish I had done it sooner, the baggage of that first time never left me, and even in new relationships I found it incredibly hard to trust anyone. I'm now back to my old self and so happy again.

Sorry to have to say this, but move on. Can you really ever trust her again?

TBH does she REALLY want it to work, was the affair a means to an end, an escape route from this relationship?

You mention she hasn't asked for you back, she's told you she would have left you for him, she cried for weeks cause he dumped her.

Be very careful that she isn't playing you. What would have happened if he didn't dumper her, where would you be now if she HAD left you?

From the little information we have been given, taking into fact you have previously had issues, she has children from another relationship that hasn't worked, she has told you she would have dropped you for this guy who was 'the one', it really is time to call it a day if it was me.

I could never forgive nor forget.

Completely disagree - not bitter, just realistic - it is what some men tend to be good at.

I think men are pretty bad at emotional stuff, or maybe it's just me that is. But, anyway, to me it seems that a lot of what is suggested is a bit simple, whereas relationships are more complicated and simple one-size-fits-all solutions don't help. Relationships can exist in all sorts of ways and it is hard to be too prescriptive.

My view, anyway, for what little that's worth.

I agree men can be crap at the emotional side of things in a relationship but I haven't seen much posted on here that sounds bitter - just realistic. But I am quite confident that if it was the other way around on Mumsnet there would be plenty of bitter women suggesting castration and the like...

Personally, the cheating is less of an alarm bell than the fact she cried for ages, told you the other bloke was "the one" and admitted she'd have gone with him if he'd wanted. That says she's left the relationship mentally to me. If it was "just" some kissing then perhaps it would be an easier problem to get the head around and fix.

Go with what your heart and head tell you, but I don't think I could stick around.

In your OP you mentioned that you couldn't afford to move out.

I think given the situation you need to try and ask yourself what you would do if money were not in the equation. That will help you make the right call on what you want to do. It's not possible for anyone here to make your mind up for you but it does sound like your wife is done and dusted with your relationship and the fact you have had counselling before that hasn't worked seems indicative of the relationship being over. I wouldn't be able to trust her but more importantly I'd want to find someone who I did want to be with.

I would seek advice on your legal position first off, the noble thing is to leave and then spend your life in a bedsit whilst you pay for your wife to live in your house etc, that is also the stupid thing to do.

Sounds to me that she has given up on your relationship. I would tell her to walk away. Probably help her pack as well.

She obviously has mentally left anwyay. Was she going to leave you with the kids whilst she had dreams of runnning off with another man? Had she even thought about that.

Always baffles me that the man traditionally packs up even if the wife is the one that is leaving the relationship?

TandemJeremy - Member
No you don't - its only worth making the effort if you can make a bad relationship into a good one and my experience is is that this is possible.

Erm... Am I missing something TJ? Because it looks like you're just trying to contradict me for the sake of it!

TBH, if I were you Jeremy, I'd cling to any woman that gave me a second glance. But then, I'm not encumbered by a personality disorder and self-worth issues.

OP- Im guessing alot here but from the nature of the affair and the mechanics/lack of it strikes me that its a call for help from her but she can not articulate or verbalise as such.

Can you be self-critical?

Think back, ask your best friends what they feel your strengths and weaknesses are. Can you say sorry easily? Have you been stressed/snapped at her before due to work etc?

I think you need revisit what the relationship has been like for the past few years and be prepared to take a bit of self-critism.

It strikes me that she is starved of affection, is looking for that 'feeling' again.

If it was a case of liked the guy, had sex etc but at the last moment he didnt want to leave with her then I'd say move on.

Get someone to baby sit for the evening. Go out somewhere to talk and don't go with an attitude or anger. Relax and then she will relax. Be prepared to take something on the chin.

Tootall has a good opinion too.

Talk. Its what men sometimes aren't very good at.

Talk and listen.

Bloody hell - good advice from Hora - the world has gone mad I tell you!

Now slightly cynical-

He probably got cold feet when he realised 5 children would also be part of the deal?

++++1 talk...

Been there, the first time after 10yrs of marriage, took me a LONG time for forget. The second time again after another 10yrs she left..
I stayed for the wrong reasons...was scared i'd be screwed finacially etc, and i was jealous.. We didn't talk about how we felt until it was too late.

My advice, clean break fella...take the hit and move on.

He probably got cold feet when he realised 5 children would also be part of the deal?

I cheated on my wife this year. We'd been married for 5 years, together for nearly 10 (no kids). Things were never good, we'd been in counselling for 2 years and from my perspective she was behaving in such a way that I thought the relationship was over. I hadn't really got the balls simply to announce that I was leaving, so I fairly calculatedly had an affair to make sure that I had to leave. (Not that it wasn't huge fun, because it was.)

Mrs claims she hadn't realised things were so bad, hadn't wanted me to leave, was simply putting her head in the sand about our problems. We are now (from the distance of separate houses) trying to work on things. She accepts that I wasn't going to try and carry on an affair behind her back without moving out and has actually taken it as a huge kick up the arse and is working hard on the problems she's had that had been wrecking the marriage. It has forced us to tackle head-on an awful lot of things that just weren't being discussed, which is good in a way. I'm not particularly proud of the episode, and I think screwing someone else as a means of communicating with one's wife is not really ideal, but there we are.

I suppose part of it is that I absolutely am not into cheating, and am not going to pretend to myself or anyone else that's big or clever, or that I couldn't help it or anything like that. It was perfectly deliberate, and did not really involve any sustained deception (everything happened while my wife was out of the country, and as soon as she came back I announced that I was orf). Hmm.

Hang a left...

[url= http://www.singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/speed-datingexperiences ]Link...[/url]

Currently on my dashboard page:

married?been cheated on? if you forgave her did you ever get back to how u were? - You last replied: 45 minutes ago | Most recent reply: 13 minutes ago

What is your relationship with your parents like? - You last replied: 1 hour ago | Most recent reply: 8 minutes ago

speed dating....experiences?

Ironic the links.

OK, who's stolen Hora's login?

From a female perspective, I’d say end it now. Call me old fashioned (or bitter, if you like), but you shouldn’t be consoling your wife because her boyfriend has done a runner. It doesn’t sound like she’s confessed all because she desperately wants your relationship to work, it sounds like she’s confessed all because she wants to end your relationship, but wants [b]you[/b] to be the one to do it. She seems pretty unrepentant and unconcerned about your feelings and that, given with what you’ve said about your relationship having always been rocky/having prior counselling suggests that it’s just not going to work.

ODB - i've been there, got the T-shirt etc...

We were already seeing relate when the former MrsMM went on a works do and ended up in a snog-fest with a colleague (apparently no sex involved..) when she was staying over at his place (when I say his place, his pregnant wife was upstairs in bed...)

Can't recall how but the Mrs fessed up and it knocked 7 bells out of me... spent some time trying to make it work, we were pretty newly married at this point.. looking back it was evident, though that she wanted out...

My mind went to all-sorts of silly places - even managed to get his home phone number so I could ring up and tell his wife what had happened, put him through the same stress I was going through etc etc but, thought better of it in the end.

Fortunately no kids etc involved so that was bit easier. It was her house we lived in so, she could have stitched me up royally but the whole thing remained amicable and she paid me out.

Took me a good while to, as I put it 'get my head out of my ar*e' but, 8 or so years down the line and life is the best it's ever been - Married to MrsMm Mk2 for 4 years now etc. etc...

Given what you've said, i'd suggest close the door and move on.
However, If you (by which I mean both of you) really want to make it work, i'd still suggest moving out - give each other space and time to work out just how you feel.

HTH..

Chris

whether you want to admit it or not. Your relationship is over.

The only questions id be asking myself are. How many holes will i need to be digging under the patio..