[Closed] married?been cheated on? if you forgave her did you ever get back to how u were?

Any settlement is likely to be better now on gounds of infidelity on her part. Most inportantly you'll get over it and wonder what all the fuss was about.

You'd be surprised how little difference this makes. Long gone are the days when courts punished infidelity.
Unless you can prove that her behaviour is a threat to your childrens' wellbeing, it'll make no difference the financial settlement.

Falling knives and runaround wives... Don't try to catch them.

shobolith - whereas I was in a similar position and indeed separated for a year - but got back together and are still together 20 yrs on.

It can work. We had to carefully rebuild our relationship from scratch which took effort and goodwill from both of us

Think back to when you both first met - when there wasn't the reality of underwear drying on the radiator and babysitting to sort before going out. Think back to how you saw each other. She was looking at this bloke through the rose-tinted eyes of fiction and fantasy and not sharing a bathroom, looking after kids and worrying about money. He was an escapist fantasy to focus upon.
Do things as adults, without kids, just for you two. Some people forget that when they take each other for granted.

there is a general opinion that im feeling here.what i dont get i why i "think" it would be ok to forgive her.why will i consider this when otheres havent? am i just weak or do i appreciate the closeness we did have sometimes.it wasnt all bad...when im away from her i can be angry and strong but when she is there i just loose those feelings?
this is so hard..

I'm sorry to hear this mate, it really is completely sh1te.

I'd echo what other posters have said about counselling: it can be a good thing, but only if both of you really wnat to save the relationship. It sounds like you do, and that's as brave a thing to do as walk away (I'm sure some will disagree with this, but we're all entitled to our views).
However, you can only do 50% of the healing of the relationship. If your missus isn't 100% committed to trying to make it work, counselling will be time and money wasted, as you'll end up going your separate ways sooner or later; whether she leaves you or vice versa, it's immaterial, and, yes, you, she and your kids will suffer. Better, then, to call it off now.
I do think you can learn from counselling what went wrong and how to avoid it in future, but as you've already said you're talking to each other a lot now, calmly and honestly, and that's a process which can help you learn more about yourselves.
I wish you the best of luck, fella.

too tall, that is very very good advise...and would have worked...before this..

I would suggest, before you make any choices, that you find out what options and support are available to you.

Get legal advice on your standing.
Do not under any circumstances move out of your house until you have legal advice. You may also wish to look into applying for custody of your children.
Go to the citizens advice bureau and find out what financial help you can get
http://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/

Sadly, people who cheat sadly tend to cheat again. If you stay together you run the risk she will just cheat and leave you in a couple of years anyway. Also staying together 'for the kids' as my parents claimed they did, did nothing at all to benefit my sister or myself - you are left with an unstable unhappy home which is 'all your fault' or seems so as a child.

Best of luck to you and your kids whatever you decide. I am sorry you have been hurt and cheated on. No one deserves to be lied to in that way.

It's the easy option mate. It's far easy to make that 'decision' now because the alternative is losing your home, access to your kids, bikes, etc.

It's easy to just 'say' "OK, I'll forgive her, move on, forget about it".

Unfortunately, I don't think the reality will be as easy. I made that mistake, I thought that taking her back was the easiest option because the alternative was to completely rewrite my life plan and start from scratch on my own. Now, 7 years later, I wish I'd snatched the opportunity to start from scratch rather than letting it mumble along for another 6 years, become far more complicated, and still end in separation.

I understand TJ's stance, but do you want to sacrifice your life to try and make a bad relationship work?

You deserve better. If you honestly think you can get past this, good luck to you, but be 100% sure why you're making that decision.

You want to forgive her because you love her. Still, despite this. That's why it hurts you.
Actually, that gives me hope for your future. You're not talking like an angry man, but a hurt man who's trying to make sense of what's happened to his family. If you were overwhelmingly angry and negative, I don't think there'd be any point in you trying to restore the relationship.

As TJ says, this could just be one big wake-up call... IF she feels the same way.

cheers all for this.it is beneficial.
got to go and try and do some work now...i will be back soon for more tho

Yes, I've been there. She cheated, I begged her to stay, she left to have a string of relationships, I was gutted and did not cope well at all. When she came back three years later asking if we could try again, I immediately agreed.

But that lasted all of two months. It took me that long to admit to myself that I just did not trust her any more. And that wasn't fair on either of us. So when that ended we finally divorced.

odannyboy -

a lot of what you have got here is bitter mens views. remember that STW is not a good cross section of the population.

You want the relationship to work. One of the things that has to happen for that is for you to forgive.

Give yourself some time - no immediate descisions. Get professional help.

Of course " staying together for the sake of the kids" is bad. However rebuilding a loving relationship is good. It can be done.

I know women wha are serial adulterers ( and totally messed with a mates head) and I wouldn't advise attempting to remain with someone like that but to me in this case it would appear the " affair" was as result of the relationship having problems not the cause of them.

If she wants to make it work of course you can.

Shibboleth - Member

I understand TJ's stance, but do you want to sacrifice your life to try and make a bad relationship work?

No you don't - its only worth making the effort if you can make a bad relationship into a good one and my experience is is that this is possible.

She strayed, she's the one that should move out IF it comes to that. Hope it doesn't but rose tinted spectacles don't suit me

bitter mens views

I wonder what the posts would be like if it was him straying and her posting on Mumsnet...

Just to add my 2p worth, have been there myself, forgave (could never quite get myself to forget) it ate away at me for months, I constantly doubted myself, wondering why I wasn't good enough, let myself get turned into a complete doormat, which he took advantage of and treated me even worse.

Eventually I found out about numerous other affairs, including attempts with my 2 closest friends.

Walking away was hard, I went for a very comfortable life, to living from pay check to pay check, it would have been so much easier to stay, and I did consider staying and just having my own string of affairs to get back at him. It was hard, it hurt like mad, I lost all confidence and self worth.

But looking back 10 years later, I wish I had done it sooner, the baggage of that first time never left me, and even in new relationships I found it incredibly hard to trust anyone. I'm now back to my old self and so happy again.

Sorry to have to say this, but move on. Can you really ever trust her again?

TBH does she REALLY want it to work, was the affair a means to an end, an escape route from this relationship?

You mention she hasn't asked for you back, she's told you she would have left you for him, she cried for weeks cause he dumped her.

Be very careful that she isn't playing you. What would have happened if he didn't dumper her, where would you be now if she HAD left you?

From the little information we have been given, taking into fact you have previously had issues, she has children from another relationship that hasn't worked, she has told you she would have dropped you for this guy who was 'the one', it really is time to call it a day if it was me.

I could never forgive nor forget.

Completely disagree - not bitter, just realistic - it is what some men tend to be good at.

I think men are pretty bad at emotional stuff, or maybe it's just me that is. But, anyway, to me it seems that a lot of what is suggested is a bit simple, whereas relationships are more complicated and simple one-size-fits-all solutions don't help. Relationships can exist in all sorts of ways and it is hard to be too prescriptive.

My view, anyway, for what little that's worth.

I agree men can be crap at the emotional side of things in a relationship but I haven't seen much posted on here that sounds bitter - just realistic. But I am quite confident that if it was the other way around on Mumsnet there would be plenty of bitter women suggesting castration and the like...

Personally, the cheating is less of an alarm bell than the fact she cried for ages, told you the other bloke was "the one" and admitted she'd have gone with him if he'd wanted. That says she's left the relationship mentally to me. If it was "just" some kissing then perhaps it would be an easier problem to get the head around and fix.

Go with what your heart and head tell you, but I don't think I could stick around.

In your OP you mentioned that you couldn't afford to move out.

I think given the situation you need to try and ask yourself what you would do if money were not in the equation. That will help you make the right call on what you want to do. It's not possible for anyone here to make your mind up for you but it does sound like your wife is done and dusted with your relationship and the fact you have had counselling before that hasn't worked seems indicative of the relationship being over. I wouldn't be able to trust her but more importantly I'd want to find someone who I did want to be with.

I would seek advice on your legal position first off, the noble thing is to leave and then spend your life in a bedsit whilst you pay for your wife to live in your house etc, that is also the stupid thing to do.

Sounds to me that she has given up on your relationship. I would tell her to walk away. Probably help her pack as well.

She obviously has mentally left anwyay. Was she going to leave you with the kids whilst she had dreams of runnning off with another man? Had she even thought about that.

Always baffles me that the man traditionally packs up even if the wife is the one that is leaving the relationship?

TandemJeremy - Member
No you don't - its only worth making the effort if you can make a bad relationship into a good one and my experience is is that this is possible.

Erm... Am I missing something TJ? Because it looks like you're just trying to contradict me for the sake of it!

TBH, if I were you Jeremy, I'd cling to any woman that gave me a second glance. But then, I'm not encumbered by a personality disorder and self-worth issues.

OP- Im guessing alot here but from the nature of the affair and the mechanics/lack of it strikes me that its a call for help from her but she can not articulate or verbalise as such.

Can you be self-critical?

Think back, ask your best friends what they feel your strengths and weaknesses are. Can you say sorry easily? Have you been stressed/snapped at her before due to work etc?

I think you need revisit what the relationship has been like for the past few years and be prepared to take a bit of self-critism.

It strikes me that she is starved of affection, is looking for that 'feeling' again.

If it was a case of liked the guy, had sex etc but at the last moment he didnt want to leave with her then I'd say move on.

Get someone to baby sit for the evening. Go out somewhere to talk and don't go with an attitude or anger. Relax and then she will relax. Be prepared to take something on the chin.

Tootall has a good opinion too.

Talk. Its what men sometimes aren't very good at.

Talk and listen.

Bloody hell - good advice from Hora - the world has gone mad I tell you!

Now slightly cynical-

He probably got cold feet when he realised 5 children would also be part of the deal?

++++1 talk...

Been there, the first time after 10yrs of marriage, took me a LONG time for forget. The second time again after another 10yrs she left..
I stayed for the wrong reasons...was scared i'd be screwed finacially etc, and i was jealous.. We didn't talk about how we felt until it was too late.

My advice, clean break fella...take the hit and move on.

He probably got cold feet when he realised 5 children would also be part of the deal?

I cheated on my wife this year. We'd been married for 5 years, together for nearly 10 (no kids). Things were never good, we'd been in counselling for 2 years and from my perspective she was behaving in such a way that I thought the relationship was over. I hadn't really got the balls simply to announce that I was leaving, so I fairly calculatedly had an affair to make sure that I had to leave. (Not that it wasn't huge fun, because it was.)

Mrs claims she hadn't realised things were so bad, hadn't wanted me to leave, was simply putting her head in the sand about our problems. We are now (from the distance of separate houses) trying to work on things. She accepts that I wasn't going to try and carry on an affair behind her back without moving out and has actually taken it as a huge kick up the arse and is working hard on the problems she's had that had been wrecking the marriage. It has forced us to tackle head-on an awful lot of things that just weren't being discussed, which is good in a way. I'm not particularly proud of the episode, and I think screwing someone else as a means of communicating with one's wife is not really ideal, but there we are.

I suppose part of it is that I absolutely am not into cheating, and am not going to pretend to myself or anyone else that's big or clever, or that I couldn't help it or anything like that. It was perfectly deliberate, and did not really involve any sustained deception (everything happened while my wife was out of the country, and as soon as she came back I announced that I was orf). Hmm.

Hang a left...

[url= http://www.singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/speed-datingexperiences ]Link...[/url]

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speed dating....experiences?

Ironic the links.

OK, who's stolen Hora's login?

From a female perspective, I’d say end it now. Call me old fashioned (or bitter, if you like), but you shouldn’t be consoling your wife because her boyfriend has done a runner. It doesn’t sound like she’s confessed all because she desperately wants your relationship to work, it sounds like she’s confessed all because she wants to end your relationship, but wants [b]you[/b] to be the one to do it. She seems pretty unrepentant and unconcerned about your feelings and that, given with what you’ve said about your relationship having always been rocky/having prior counselling suggests that it’s just not going to work.

ODB - i've been there, got the T-shirt etc...

We were already seeing relate when the former MrsMM went on a works do and ended up in a snog-fest with a colleague (apparently no sex involved..) when she was staying over at his place (when I say his place, his pregnant wife was upstairs in bed...)

Can't recall how but the Mrs fessed up and it knocked 7 bells out of me... spent some time trying to make it work, we were pretty newly married at this point.. looking back it was evident, though that she wanted out...

My mind went to all-sorts of silly places - even managed to get his home phone number so I could ring up and tell his wife what had happened, put him through the same stress I was going through etc etc but, thought better of it in the end.

Fortunately no kids etc involved so that was bit easier. It was her house we lived in so, she could have stitched me up royally but the whole thing remained amicable and she paid me out.

Took me a good while to, as I put it 'get my head out of my ar*e' but, 8 or so years down the line and life is the best it's ever been - Married to MrsMm Mk2 for 4 years now etc. etc...

Given what you've said, i'd suggest close the door and move on.
However, If you (by which I mean both of you) really want to make it work, i'd still suggest moving out - give each other space and time to work out just how you feel.

HTH..

Chris

whether you want to admit it or not. Your relationship is over.

The only questions id be asking myself are. How many holes will i need to be digging under the patio..

OK so hora...good points sir.yes ive been crap for approx three years.i used to be wet pathertic, didnt have an opinion etc.i changed a lot 18 months ago and "found myself" she likes the new me more but old habits die hard.she is very very critical and by her admission regualry puts me down unfairly.we both built up a wall of resentment to the point (i think) where resentment was the default setting even before anything happened it was presumed the other party would do it wrong,badly,late etc etc.
i do belive its highly unlikely sha would do this again.i know what you will all say and yes anything is possible,but i still say unlikely.
we joked once that we are just like pete and pammy from gavin and stacey, and then i thought thats actually not funny cos we are. 😯
whats so strange is my mood and feeling change almost every five hours or so,i hate her, then pity her, then miss her,then something else.i guess this will change in time as its only five days ago so still really early.
ironically we have had mental sex twice since she told me and lots of cuddles and long calm chats, but i still just feel suspicious that she hasnt begged me to forgive her etc.she has apologised quite humbally twice.
im sleeping in another room and on sat night she said she did i want to sleep back in our bed if i wanted to?i declined and then she got all moody with me because i said no.i read that as her being upset at my decline but im sure you will all say she has a damn cheek to "offer"

Don't make her beg! Sounds to me like there is an element of you that wants to punish her.

Establish if you both really want to make it work - not patch things up for the sake of the kids but really make a happy marriage.

If you do then get professional help.

Be careful of that amazing heart-break sex. It's a sure fire way to cloud your judgement.

If you are going to sort this out, I'd suggest a bit of time apart so you can both get your heads straight - it's too easy to just drift back into life as it was prior to this incident without addressing the issues and causes.

Be careful of that amazing heart-break sex. It's a sure fire way to cloud your judgement.

Be careful? **** that!!!!!! Balls to the wind if I was offered amazing sex. Heck if sex with men was interesting I'd switch sides! 😆

mrs toast, your post is very interesting. i kind of think the same.we could have split at any time and were always throwing the threat of divorce at each other.in fact it was loosing weight as we had said it so much it didnt really mean anything anymore.sad isnt it.but yes i think she prob deff doesnt have the balls to just choose to end it.she has been divorced once and never wanted that to happen again..
thing is i am intrigued as to weahter this could help us "break the cycle" so to speak.we get on great when its good.we took the kids out the other day and had a great time.on a day to day basis, it now seems ok as we both dont see to be stressed any more?weird?

Possibly just because she isn't carrying the guilt anymore?

As has been said above, mainly by TJ, you clearly seem to want this to work so all you can do now is find out whether she wants it to work. Ask her directly whether she loves you and wants to be with you and the expense of all others and is prepared to change wherever required in order to make it work.

If she says yes then go forward together. If no, move on.

If she says 'I don't know' then you will just continue to drift along as you seem to have done for some time.

Do you think you can get past it? Will you always be listening out for her saying another guy's name when you're making love? Will you be able to put it out of your mind that she might be thinking about someone else?

Sorry to put it in such blunt terms, but unless you can hand-on-heart say you can put it behind you, you're gonna have to move on.

I'd leave forgiveness to the christians. If she has done it once she could do it again, I'd walk away very safe in the knowledge that you deserve better and intend to find it.

Feeling for you chap.
As a younger, more niave chap, I did the consoling her mullarkey, after she's been dumped by someone she had been having an affair with. I put it down to having been in love with her & it being a reaction to seeing someone I loved being hurt. Christ, what a bloody mug I felt a few months down the line.
With years of life experience behind me I'd waste no more time on anyone that put me through that again. Make plans to move on.

I agree with Takisawa. I've done the same thing. Moved on now. Too 4 years abroad and well away from her. Much better off now. I live with Mrs Admiralable near the sea with 2 gorgeous kids. 🙂

But why is is that I always seem to get adverts for makeup on this thread?