[Closed] Long lost child - serious emotional content

I cant offer you much advice other than if the girl is 18 its a pretty sensitive time. I know some of my friends have had stuff happen to them between 16-20 that has completely derailed their lives. Perhaps it would be better in a few years when things aren't so hormonal and changing as it is.

Shit. I have nothing that'll help, but wanted to say good luck either way fella...

The child's been raised by the other bloke? Tough one. On one hand I appreciate your point of view, but on the other, the child has had a mum and dad all her life and her mum has said she doesn't want the tests done..
If the girls 18 though she's an adult and has the right to decide for herself if she wants to know..

My initial instinct is if the child is in a happy family then leave it alone. Does the other man know the girl may be yours? I cannot even really imagine the turmoil he must be in.

Let sleeping dogs lie - my view - but needs to be balanced by the fact I have never wanted kids

Avoid...And be thankful you haven't been paying the CSA for the last 18 years

TJ - Yes he does, and I believe he cooked up this 'I'll be the Daddy thing' to won her back and it is the lie that has sustained their relationship. I forgot to add that they are now split and have been for a while.

Houns - good point!

If the "parents" are split then it adds a slightly different dimension. You are not busting up the happy family

What is your motive in this? What do you want to achieve? are you feeding your own ego or is it for the mum or for the girl?

have a careful think about your motives and consider which will leave people happier.

It's weird because the couple concerned have two other kids one older one younger than the girl in question, they look very alike.

She stands out like a sore thumb and looks just like my other older daughter.

I think I will be leaving it fr for the time being, but it is still nice to have your valuable opinions on the matter.

Perhaps if the tests come back positive he will make a claim against you for the cost of looking after your daughter!

But seriously, if the daughter wants to know then yes but if she doesn't care or would rather not know then no. Afterall its the daughter that this is most likely to have the greatest impact upon.

Good luck

I have a son, he will be 13 this year and I haven't seen him since he was 1, I won't bore you with the circumstances of why though it was my decision.

Since the birth of my 15 month old daughter there has been the odd occasion I had the urge to get in touch with him, I know where he lives (roughly) and I've even seen photos of him accidentally at my mums (she normally hides them away when I visit) who is still in touch with my ex wife, however I feel I do not have the right to cause such an emotional trauma to the lad as I'm not even sure he knows who I am, plus it would cause massive upset to my family and his I'm sure.

So what I'm actually trying to say is by all means find out if you are the father, if it's positive then weigh up the pros and cons of the emotional bomb you will be dropping if you reveal to her who you are and how the fall out from that will affect both families.

I hope that made some sense, best of luck.

I think you're looking at things from a purely selfish POV. Your opinions and needs are probably the least important in this situation, so I'd back right off and let the mother and daughter decide what they want to do, if anything.

Basically, you were very irresponsible and you've managed to get away with it scot-free whilst other people picked up the pieces and built lives for themselves, no doubt compromised by your irresponsible and selfish actions.

Now you're thinking you might have missed out on a child growing up?? I doubt you'd have been so keen to "do the right thing" if she'd rocked up on your doorstep 18 years ago with a babe in arms that needed supporting!

Where's your motivation to try and determine the father coming from?
Do you think it'll help the girl- what positivity will it add to her life?
What will happen if you're wrong- I assume the test will require her consent?

I was adopted, and told this from a very young age, so not an identical situation, but spent some years rebuffing my birth mothers attempts to meet, before agreeing to one meeting to give her some closure. My attitude was, and still is that my parents are the people who nurtured me, loved me and bought me up, not the people who provided their genes.

Consider the feelings of the family, before your own. Sometimes we have to take the difficult road and walk away.

No offence, but are you going to offer her something other then the truth? You're not just going to say, "I'm, your dad", then go off to ride your bike? Do you want to get to know her, and be a dad to her? She may be an adult now, but it doesn't mean she doesn't need that.

FYI you can buy a DNA test kit from boots.

The poor girl's parents have split up already, don't add to her woe by revealing that her dad isn't even her dad. Some things are best left.

As above - ask why you are doing this, and who might benefit.

Does the girl know what's going on? Her welfare must be the priority.

In fact it'd be pretty dodgy to get her DNA without consent for the test IMO.

Also, does she already know you as a friend of the family or something? Would it be best to get to know her a little before making any decisions? Sounds selfish, but it could give you some idea of what to do and how to do it.

Being a dad is not about biology. Its about being there ALL the time they are growing up, holding them when they are scared, laughing with them when they are happy, hugging them when they cry. You haven't done that.

Fair to say, despite me previous mistakes I am keen to do the right thing

I think you;ve missed your chance at doing this long ago.

My advise is back away and forget it.

Even if biologically you are the 'father' - lets face you're not her dad - you just sound an irresponsible, selfish **** to me - why would anyone want/need you in their life?

you just sound an irresponsible, selfish **** to me - why would anyone want/need you in their life?

and with that comment i'd stop reading STW and speak to friends and family that know you 🙂

Speaking from personal experience even if the girl does find out, she may not want to know you at all.

I got told at 17ish that my dad wasn't my biological father, didn't change a thing for me with regards to my Dad, he was the one who raised me from several months old and who I class as my Dad despite not sharing his DNA. It's now been 8 years since I found out, I've never met my biological father and I'm still pretty ambivalent about meeting him, even though I've been told he's always wanted to meet me and has followed my progress as it were. To be honest, he has no relavence to me if that makes any sense.

*Edit:

Being a dad is not about biology. Its about being there ALL the time they are growing up, holding them when they are scared, laughing with them when they are happy, hugging them when they cry. You haven't done that.

This is why my Dad is and always will be my Dad.

Thanks for the input.

It is against UK laws to obtain a DNA sample for paternity without consent!

My motivation is mixed.

1, I fell I have been cheated of a chance by the Mothers lies and yes been cowardly in not facing up to this before.

2, I have a close family friend who is adopted and her adoptive father refused her the chance to meet her real father who then died of the cancer he was suffering from at the time he asked to see her. She now has the same form of cancer and the lost opportunity haunts her.

3, I believe the young woman in question may know somehing about this (though I can't be sure without asking her directly) but I have evidence to suggest strongly that she does.

4, She may want to say something to me, like why did you leave me to grow up on this scruffy estate when your other kids had pony club and expensive holidays, driving lessons, cars etc.

It is complicated and I accept I am no saint in all this, but then neither are any of the 3 adults involved - they deceived her and me - and I let them do it.

Since the girl is now adult, leave it be unless she has come to you requesting the test. Even if she did I'd be wary of getting involved(again).

Phil - I may sound harsh, but I'm talking from experience of an absent parent who decided to try and make contact me, pretty much to try and justify their actions and to make themselves feel better about what a **** they'd been......jog on 🙂

I think some people watch too much day time TV.

I think there has to be a time when the child is told - she does have a right to know. But as has already been said, it is a difficult time to do it at 18.

I too have someone very close to me that has a teenage daughter who doesn't know her past - one day she should be told but at the same time I think it could hurt her very badly to find it out.

Do you feel disenfranchised? Do you feel excluded? Do you need closure?

[img] [/img]

you may talk from experience... but you talk from only your own experience, not others who have been through similar situations with different outcomes.

your experience sounds like it had a negative effect on you, as a result your making accusations and questioning the worth of a forum user who (and this is me assuming..) you've never met... might be worth working on some of those issues as you still sound angry.

from personal experience (my own, so its subjective and i dont want to assume this will apply to everyone) with counselling/some help its possible to work towards a much more positive view of the experience. 🙂

I think there has to be a time when the child is told - she does have a right to know. But as has already been said, it is a difficult time to do it at 18.

I too have someone very close to me that has a teenage daughter who doesn't know her past - one day she should be told but at the same time I think it could hurt her very badly to find it out.

The point is that at the moment [b]nobody[/b] knows- it's conjecture and supposition, and can't be decided without a dna test, and the girl's consent. Why even go there if there's no reason other than the, imo, largely selfish ones the op provides.

Phil and yoshimi,
you both have a point, but listening to friends and family has led me to this position as, to be fair, they all have a vested interest and have something to gain or loose by the outcome - strangers don't and so I felt would be more objective.

I have left it for a few months now and will probably just leave it with them to decide, but that means leaving it with the mother to decide as is that fair on the child?

I have already lost a close friend over this and I am putting myself in the firing line by even trying to resolve it but some things just have to be done.

Shibboleth - are you suggesting that I appeal to Jeremy Kyle 😮

I agree with midlife crashes. Leave the situation alone unless she approaches you.

Tricky. The truth will out tho, one way or another. If you have figured it out others might. Boyfriend of mine when I was in my early 20s found out he was adopted when a friend of the family let it slip. Scarred him for life (well that and his mother going to prison then setting up house with her former cellmate, but thats another story)

Honesty always the best policy. You might be wrong, after all.

Sorry but:

I don't see how the OP has done anything wrong bar an affair 18+years ago.

If the girl finds out her "dad" is not her biological father she may well want to know who is.

As usual the frustrations of the desk jockeys come out in swathes 🙄 seriously guys try to get laid every now and then?

hels -

Honesty always the best policy. You might be wrong, after all.

That is - if i shake off all the advice - my stance on this.

maybe I'm still being a coward?

Phil - Angry at the abandonment...nope, fortunately I had a good upbringing with a family who loved me so I never felt like I missed out on anything. Angry at her making contact...yes, there was nothing I needed or wanted that I didn't already have and for a 'stranger' to come and try to invent some kind of bond that wasn't there just felt very selfish.

ST - if you're really gonna do this I hope your motives are pure

The point is that at the moment nobody knows- it's conjecture and supposition, and can't be decided without a dna test, and the girl's consent. Why even go there if there's no reason other than the, imo, largely selfish ones the op provides.

What does the child want?

[i]I have left it for a few months now and will probably just leave it with them to decide, but that means leaving it with the mother to decide as is that fair on the child?[/i]

It would seem more fair being left in the hands of someone who has brought the child up and has an intimate understanding of their emotions, and a life long concern for their welfare than someone who hasn't.

That's not meant as a dig, just that if you don't really know her, are you the best arbiter of what's good for her?

fortunately I had a good upbringing with a family who loved me so I never felt like I missed out on anything. Angry at her making contact...yes, there was nothing I needed or wanted that I didn't already have and for a 'stranger' to come and try to invent some kind of bond that wasn't there just felt very selfish

🙂 fair play dude... very common feelings to have in that situation thats for sure! just trying to point out that everyone's experiences are different tis all

I'm not sure it is for the mother to decide. Taking a sample for a paternity test without consent is very illegal.

I've for a wierd feeling that somewhere in Sheffield is a 20yr old thats related to me..

is it binners? 😯

If you have let this lay for 18 years I think you need to ask yourself why you now feel the need to sort things out? Are you really think of the girls best interests?

Sorry - I'm not quite getting this. You haven't shown any interest for 18 years and now you want to potentially turn the lives of a family upside down? Perhaps I'm missing something - isn't this just a bit selfish?

Hora

Daddy?

is that you?

I agree with the comments that you need to be clear why you would want to find out for sure. There are a few of ways it could go:

you are her father - she wants you in her life. If she does are you ready for that? how will you cope with/approach it?

You are her father - she wants nothing to do with you. Do you force yourself into her life or live with the pain that actually she doesn't give a toss about you? Do you have other children that would know about her - what if they want to get in touch with her and she doesn't want that? How do your other children/family cope with it. How would her siblings react to her having a different dad?

You are not her father - but have made it known that mum slept about a bit when she was younger. Not very nice for someone of 18 to get their head around.

There are loads of different things that could happen, but before you start pushing one way or the other you just need to be clear on your motivation. Someone will get hurt at some point in this I suspect, everything comes out eventually and I've seen it happen a few times actually.

Condoms are the future I tell you! Or keep it in your pants kids... 8) 8)

Having read some of your other recent posts, Supertramp, I suspect this might be for [b]your[/b] benefit, not hers. Perhaps it's better to step back, and just wait 😕

Stay away and let her contact you. She already has a dad. I don't know you, so its hard to be correct and if the following comments are way off the mark then I appologise. You let another man raise your daughter for 18 years, at his expense, and now you want to get close to her? Don't you think thats a tiny bit opportunistic?
Now I understand that this may have been to play along with the mothers lies to conseal any infidelities, in which case I think you can ask her to get involved with the daughter. But as for rights, well the other bloke (parental dad as opposed to spunk donor) and the daughter are the ones whose considerations should come first.

I understand from the OP that the mother and 'husband' kept things hidden, but you did know she got pregnant and had a child. You've then managed to work out 18 years later it could be yours. Was it convenient 18 years ago not to be pops? I am just trying to understand the motivation. I can see why you might want to know now, but why didn't you want to know then?

I think it has some bearing and the types of responses you are getting the discussion here are all possible from 18 year old when/if they find out.

I have been away for a few days and I am glad to see that so many of you have taken the time to contribute - thanks.

It's a complicated situation - obviously - but here is my mot recent motivation. I will keep this brief to avoid to much exposure for all concerned so forgive me if it seem sketchy.

My ex has admitted to mentioning this to my son when he became friends with the girl in question at school as she long suspected this. Only recently I found out that he knew this might be possible and so did my daughter. So my ex has been spreading this around to who? and for how long? my main concern is that the young woman concerned will find this out in a very brutal way. Or that she already knows and is already confused?

On the face of it living this 'lie' for all these years seems heartless, but is it any more heartless than having a child adopted or being a sperm donor?

I am going to let it lie for the time being but is this just the cowards option?