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@tjagain, if you are right, then you are talking about low-grade altruism which is really selfishness.
But how do you explain what is known as "radical altruism" - that is someone putting their life on the line to save a stranger's life?
"Altruism" itself is a fairly new term, I suppose the old term would be charity.
handybar - I'll have a think about that.
I’ve been stuck in a bit of a rut for the last few months too and feel that I’m just the taxi service, personal shopper, DIY specialist, landscape gardener, fixer of broken things and cook. Not helped by my missus having a busted knee that means that she can’t do as much as she used to.
I’m utterly fed up with it TBH and have been a right miserable git as a result. I’ve had a moan and am now trying to get a bit of time to myself just to flush my head.
I’ve ridden the bike twice since July, but my kit is packed and I’m going out tonight whatever the weather/demands at home.
TBH quite the opposite, the last 10 years have been really tough for me. I'm not complaining, I've had some great times and done some great things but from May 2009 until now, life has been one multi-year project/mission after another. We're right at the end of it now, bar actually moving house we're done, just waiting for Solicitors to do whatever they do to justify their fees.
At the weekend I actually had a mini Sid Waddell / Alexander the Great moment and felt a bit sad because soon i'd have no more personal 'worlds to conquer' but really I'm looking forward to sitting in a happy little rut for a while at least. I'll probably manage 6 months.
Day one of a bit of a contemplative stage of life here too.
(Contract finished on Friday, not in a hurry to start another one)
Ive been feeling the same, Saw some similar threads on here recently, saw "Reset" recommended so I bought that and started reading it this morning.
I have, to all intents and purposes, all the supposed ingredients for a happy life: Lovely partner, kids, house, toys, decent income etc etc.... but often I dont feel happy, everything I do seems to be for others and not in TJ`s altruistic way, just seems everyone makes demands on my time and I get very little thanks or acknowledgement for any of it.
Any time i can steal for myself is very rare and if I do get any it normally comes with a big guilt trip too.
I have made a decision to take some time out for me, as I seem to have got a bit lost the last few years, so Im going to see if i can clear out a lot of the stuff I dont need / havent finished and in the process see where I want to go from here.
I want to be around for my family, but I also want to be no longer lost
Addressed in most ways by the book Reset by David Sawye
Des'ree's formulation captures it better for me:
Life, oh life, oh life, oh life,
Doo, doot doot dooo.
Life, oh life, oh life, oh life,
Doo, doot dooo
I'm afraid of the dark,
Especially when I'm in a park
And there's no-one else around,
Oh, I get the shivers
I don't want to see a ghost,
It's a sight that I fear most
I'd rather have a piece of toast
And watch the evening news
Think I'm going to have a look at that Reset book.
Seems there's a few of us feeling as though "Everything I do, I do it for Others", which isn't as snappy as the version Bryan Adams went for in the end, to be fair. When I find myself dwelling on it and missed opportunities to do stuff for myself - from about 5am this morning, funnily enough - I wonder if this is how housewives have been feeling down through the ages, and it's just a societal payback.
Its an interesting philosophical point but I do feel that altruism does not exist in the dictionary definition.
There probably isn’t an agreed definition in existence. I see it defined mostly often as a willingness to help others at a cost to self (or with little or no thought to personal cost)
And this I think is the problem with defining events and motives.
In simplistic terms I think most (considered mentally healthy) individuals fall variously (and at various times of life/various situational responses) along a spectrum of selfish-selfless.
ie Being paid to do something one enjoys (and also benefits others) is not really ‘altruistic’ in the sense that I understand altruism to be most often defined. Neither is manning a soup kitchen (broadly speaking). But there again is the problem of definitions! Speaking transactionally - it can be argued that the greater good is served with mutual benefits. Relational benefits of voluntary service are also worth mentioning.
My favourite definition* of ‘altruism’ is
‘Acting out of concern for another’s wellbeing’
Whether motivated by ‘payback’** or simple concern/empathy takes me again to the spectrum I mentioned. Not to mention (nor discount) the societal/evolutionary benefits that may compel unknowingly to jump in front of a train to rescue a complete stranger.
* https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/basics/altruism
**Evolutionary biologists also use the term ‘reciprocal altruism’ which I think is closer to your ‘glow’. Described as ‘helper’s high’. I guess it could become addictive?
My idea of adventure is just having time to explore ideas. I'm never board and don't need much in the way of entertainment. My job means I'm around 30+ people every day who need support and attention, so when I have time to myself I often prefer to be on my own somewhere quiet and can hapily spend an entire evening sitting on the sofa without the TV on. Thats why I'll happily sit on the turbo instead of going outdoors at time. It's a good chance to just think about stuff.
Think I’m going to have a look at that Reset book.
@sadepunk I’d be interested in your review. I wasn’t so taken to follow his “FU” approach directly more a blend of his common sense, sense of direction and the day-to-day tips at the back of the book which I use as a reminder.
I think you’ll get what I mean.
well i finished it, it wasnt quite what i was expecting. i was hoping for a book of 'enlightenment' on why we're here, the meaning of life etc, i was left with the feeling that its mainly a 'guide to retiring early'.
no issue with that at all, in fact that would be great, however not everybody is in a position to save loads of wedge and invest it to draw from in later life.
it made a lot of sense as i was reading it tho, and it prompted me to set up a suggested 'moneydashboard' account (which i havent even looked at since, which is maybe part of my problem).
i was heartened to read that some of the suggested proposals for looking after your money (transfer old stagnant DC pensions into a SIPP, spread investments globally) i had already put into practice thanks to excellent advice from here a while ago. the recommended pots were slightly different but the process was the same, so im comfortable that the little money i do have is doing the best it can. i think i now have one SIPP and one DB pension, and theres nowt i can change about my current pension anyway.
ive also been reading more about FIRE (financial independence retire early) advice, but all thats done is make me wish id thought about that 30 years ago! 😀
at 55, theres not a lot more i can do to change my financial situation for the better now.
i think ill read it again, see if i can relate to it a little more.
i was left with the feeling that its mainly a ‘guide to retiring early’.
no issue with that at all, in fact that would be great, however not everybody is in a position to save loads of wedge and invest it to draw from in later life.
You see, my interpretation was different in that I saw it as a realisation / goal to having a reason for working as I do, and then managing my current situation toward that goal, instead of walking the endless treadmill to no end. Even the author states that although his desire is to end up drinking wine in the South of France he'd likely need a little employment.
What I took from it was:
a) a re-inforcement of my own journey this year away from materialism
b) using my wages/funds/savings appropriately to quicker get to a point where my lifestyle allows my life choices to be more flexible
c) a reinforcement of the day to day, Sleep properly, my effort bias is equally toward my non working life as it is my life, eat well, exercise, don't concern myself with others and some of the other tips he provides.
You see, my interpretation was different
i need to read it again
What I took from it was:
a) a re-inforcement of my own journey this year away from materialism
b) using my wages/funds/savings appropriately to quicker get to a point where my lifestyle allows my life choices to be more flexible
c) a reinforcement of the day to day, Sleep properly, my effort bias is equally toward my non working life as it is my life, eat well, exercise, don’t concern myself with others and some of the other tips he provides.
i need to read it again 😀
Lol! I may not be right. But I took my focus away from “retire early” and the financial stimulus and more toward what it is I can with what I have to make life easier, more flexible and therefore happier for me and those around me, and to change an enforced stressful career to a more flexible and relaxed one.
The one person I owe my attitude to life to is my grandfather. I always learned more from him the one month a year I used to go live with my grandparents than I did the other 11 months of the year. He taught me young to take joy from simple pursuits. If I can be happy in life doing things that require minimum expenditure then no matter my financial circumstances, I'll always have something to do. Outdoor pursuits is great for this, walking, running, cycling, fishing and gardening can all be done for minimal outlay and are great for the mind as well as the body. Throw in some indoor hobbies such as cooking, woodworking, painting or whatever and you will always have something to escape to no matter your financial circumstances.
He also taught me never to rely on anyone else for my own happiness, that should come from within. If you are not happy in life then take the steps required yourself in order to change that. Never rely on anyone else to do so. If after making changes in order to be happy, this has somehow made loved ones unhappy then there is something much bigger wrong.
He warned me young not to fall into the trap when looking for a partner of settling down with a materialistic person. Someone who's success in life is measured by the holidays they can take, size of their house or car they drive for example is unlikely to make you happy. Doubly so when that person is relying in you to provide them that success.
Both grandparents are still alive today and have been happily married for over 70 years. He is still the most contented man I know. Never been abroad in his life, lives in a council house, still grows his own vegetables in his garden and takes wee trips into the glens to look at the hills and still joins me occasionally fishing for trout. A flask of homemade soup and a piece in hand, he sits there lochside wrapped in his tartan blanket with the most satisfied grin you'll ever see that tells you instantly he has won at life.
That's a warming story BenV, thanks for sharing.
just beat me to it, sounds a special man ben and hes definitely worked out the secret.
he should write a book...... 😀
Thanks both, aye, he is a good guy.
@Kryton57 that’s a good summary of 'Reset'. There are different aspects of it, but b in particular resonated for me. That flexibility and, above all, control are objectives in themselves. Even if it's only conscious control over what you want/need. That is undoubtedly something it's easy to forget once you get caught up in career ladders, family life, etc.
You are right in that it needs to be a constant reminder / discipline to keep on the track, it’s easy to forget.
At the same time qwertys post above comes at a poignant time for me. I’ve been muddled in my head recently without knowing why and it’s causing me a bit of stress but reading that article - of which I’m halfway through a second read - has enlightened me to what’s going on - I’m firmly having a mental mid life crisis. The words “...having climbed life’s first mountain only to be disillusioned with the view” are very appropriate to me at the moment. Referencing both, I need to remind myself now to continue with my Reset journey and decline the offer to party with the 20 somethings, and at the same time reestablish my social credentials within my peer age group. I need have a think about my career direction - up, down or sideways.
it’s been quite a weekend of (re)discovery for me.
just read the article, makes a lot of sense, and itd be a good 'pointer/explanation of whats going on' for anyone struggling to come to terms with 'mid-life' and its connotations.
also started reading 'Reset' again. id actually recommended my wife read it too, to see if anything resonated with her, but im 25% of the way through it and i dont feel she'd make it that far. i say that as so far theres a lot of 'this is what PR is', make sure youve got a digital profile (LinkedIn etc), blogging, podcasts...... its just so far removed from us (and to put it bluntly, boring) that i feel the author may lose a lot of other readers too by this point.
ive just started the 'decluttering' bit, i may advise that she starts from there.
on a personal note, im really happy with life in general, i get a lot of job satisfaction, my job really suits my home life, but...... its a temporary position at the moment and if i ever get 'bumped back down' itd be such a negative move for our family well-being (having to live away half my life again) that im really interested in being able to reach that 'FU money' stage. after reading the amounts needed for a 'stash', im never going to reach that position i feel, so im looking really for a 'back-up plan' so i can still say FU.
this book hasnt given me the answers to what to do if you cant acquire that 'stash', although there is some really useful advice in there, and it has prompted me to start a spreadsheet of our finances and see where we actually are with pensions, outgoings etc.
so, in a way im having a mild mid-life crisis of 'its all good at the moment, what do i do if it all changes, whats my back-up plan?'
i havent got one.
ill read on 🙂
Man makes Plans. God laughs.
Man makes Plans. God laughs.
“No battle plan ever survives first contact with the enemy,”
Yep, struggling with it right now due to family issues and work problems. Aiming for a way out sometime next year or so depending on a few things, should mean I can escape to where I grew up and get the balance of work/riding time and peace/space better to my liking. Doesn't help that I'm a country bumpkin currently living in a city.