[Closed] Lazy wife with bad back

Sounds like what you need is a physio. And if she reads this, a good divorce lawyer.

Start simple, countryside walks?

I started exercising properly again last year after a few years of just riding. I’m more ruined physically now, but blood pressure is better. Swings and roundabouts! Can’t win either way 😀

Being active I have always really struggled with people who do no exercise so it’s a contentious issue and I struggle to be sympathetic or diplomatic when it comes to trying to educate her.

And you got married to her because......

My wife has little sympathy when I get injured exercising or riding, but no education is forthcoming

Sounds like that she married the wrong person

If it colours your view, my wife had an emergency back operation to trim a disc 8 weeks ago.

She’s back swimming and doing strength and conditioning stuff, no running for a few months yet, but she has managed a short road ride.

She’s annoyed she won’t be doing her half iron man this year, and we had to cancel two weeks skiing in Canada, but she’s (will be? - not sure) putting her name in the hat for next year's London Marathon.

Actually reading that back, my wife is blinking amazing. I need to tell her more often.

PS - people are different, don’t let this colour you’re view.

Remember that "for better, for worse" bit? Seriously, get a grip man and stop being so judgemental.

Not everyone is into exercise, but it's key to keep moving and flexible with back issues. I have to keep active to help my back (badly broken 3 years ago, and now missing half my L1).

You possibly need positive encouragement, try walks to the pub or for a meal, stuff like that. Walking helps my back, as does the bike.

the problem is OP... you make exercise look difficult and boring. In terms of health outcomes theres negligible difference between being moderately active - walk around a bit, using the stairs sometimes, doing a bit of gardening -  and smashing the shit out of training. If there was marathon runners and round the world cyclists would live to 200... but they don't.

Don't confuse being fit, in sporting terms, with being healthy - they're not the same thing. She may have the same concerns your enthusiasm training and exercise will leave you with a heart thats stronger than the veins in your head and having to care for a stroke victim in later life (or sooner than that) 🙂

Your dressing up your enthusiasm for your hobby as concern for her health. Your gym stuff bores her - she's had plenty of time to find it interesting but she doesn't. Find something you can do together that isn't a regime.

If I found out my husband posted this about me on the internet I would struggle to forgive him. Just because someone doesn’t like what you deem to be ‘exercise’, doesn’t mean they can’t be healthy.

My wife on the other hand does no exercise and I believe this is why she ended up having a back operation to fix a herniated disc 5 years ago.

So she had no interest in exercise before the op?

Well this is going to get nasty, fast 🙂

But what Mr Maccruiskeen said is the right answer, but will probably get lost in a load of stuff.

You are both right and wrong. Of course exercise and activity will be good for your wife, as it is for everyone. However, your attitude seems to stink a bit.

I struggle to be sympathetic or diplomatic when it comes to trying to educate her.

So with that being the case, what do you expect to change? Fix that attitude first, then work on her.

I am petrified of having to look after her in later life as a result of not making an effort to help herself address the back problem

I kind of understand where you’re coming from but don’t agree with what you’ve said. In some cases being fit and healthy does not equal long and happy life. Maybe try suggesting an activity she might enjoy and do it with her and see how it goes. Or ask her if and what she would like to do.

Remember that “for better, for worse” bit?

This, very much this. When we said our vows all those years ago, I meant every word of it. And I stuck to it, no matter what was thrown my way, no matter how difficult it got. If you love someone, you will support and help them through any situation. I only wish the “til death do us part” didn’t happen as early as it did.

Find something fun to do together that's not watching tv? Like crazy golf.

My girlfriend isn't into exercise other than gardening. I don't get on her case but sometimes we go for walks together

Ouch! Time for some soul searching.

That "for better or for worse" applies both ways remember. She also made vows...question is, what did you both sign up to at the time??
If both of you were fitness fanatics and she's now lost enthusiasm, I'm with the OP.
If both of you were couch potatoes and the OP has turned into a fitness nazi, I'm with the wife!
😉

As yourguitarhero says, it has to be fun. There has to be something to look forward to, to make you think there's a reward for missing Pointless or whatever.

In terms of health outcomes theres negligible difference between being moderately active – walk around a bit, using the stairs sometimes, doing a bit of gardening – and smashing the shit out of training. If there was marathon runners and round the world cyclists would live to 200… but they don’t.

Don’t confuse being fit, in sporting terms, with being healthy – they’re not the same thing. She may have the same concerns your enthusiasm training and exercise will leave you with a heart thats stronger than the veins in your head and having to care for a stroke victim in later life (or sooner than that)

Is that true? My watch tells me that if I do three half hour runs a week I'll be healthier and I mindlessly obey it. My blood pressure has dropped from a bit high to perfect. Can I get away with a bit of gentle cycling and some walking instead? I'd much prefer that.

Oh, forget the biscuits..... I’ve just opened a box of these 👍👍🤣

.

If you think we're a tough crowd, you should post this on Mumsnet and see how you get on. 🙂

But, in short, you may mean well, but if she wants a strength and conditioning coach and a boot camp atmosphere at home, she'll ask for it. People with long term back pain are often terrified of exercise 'setting it off' or making it worse. So pumping iron and doing squats and crunches isn't the thing. It may be that something like swimming, yoga or pilates would help, but it needs to be her idea, not yours.

Since the op she has continually had lower back ache on and off

I bet that sucks both physically and emotionally. Maybe she would like a bit of sympathy and support and it would probably do more to help her than a workout plan.

I used to know someone like the OP, now I don't I actually enjoy riding my bike.

In my experience walking is the best exercise for a bad back and or neck.

Exercise doesn't mean you won't develop problems - I know plenty of people who now wish they had taken it easier in their youth as they've worn out their knees from too much running.
The idea that "building up your core" is the answer to what sounds like a specific back injury is the kind of thing I used to overhear in gyms from dodgy personal instructors who in a previous life would have been estate agents. From what I hear back problems can be debilitating and understanding/sympathy are needed in abundance as well as professional advice, i.e. physio.
She is also 52, not a spring chicken, and she may have a valid point in taking it easy and resting as the best way to manage the condition.

I have a bad back. I'm very fit compared to the average person (which is a very low bar), but riding a bike is terrible for my back so I need to make sure I stop and stretch a bit every 30 minutes or so. My job involves sitting at a computer a lot, that's the worst thing for my back. Walking and stretching seem to be the best things. I should probably join a gym and do a proper program to build my core, but I hate gyms and can't think of anything less enjoyable than being stuck inside with a room full of exercise nuts.

Telling someone to exercise is pretty much guaranteed to have the opposite effect. If they don't enjoy it, they aren't going to do it and having a fitness freak lecturing that "you should be more like me" is just going to piss people off. Taking some nice walks several times a week is probably going to help. Key thing is that it has to be enjoyable for someone to keep doing it.

I bet that sucks both physically and emotionally. Maybe she would like a bit of sympathy and support

Well it would appear that she’s out of luck on that front

Exercise doesn’t mean you won’t develop problems

My knees (especially the left) are in bad shape from Muay Thai, skateboarding and general tomfoolery. Exercise can mess you up.

 

she may have a valid point in taking it easy and resting as the best way to manage the condition.

It's not the best way to manage ageing though.

I understand both sides of this. My Dad is similar - has had some health troubles but just goes to the doctor and doesn't do much else.

Maccruisekeen where does that come from?

In fact it'd be helpful if anyone making similar statements could back them up.

Tough crowd. I have similar concerns for my wife, but I certainly couldn't call her lazy. Long hours and 6 day working weeks. But I'm desperate for her to become more active and spend less time in the office. We walk as much as I can force her (which she does enjoy), and is puffing at the first sight of a hill. And then on the other hand I've got major back problems caused by it being smashed to pieces whilst riding. Now exercise of any form is painful. Still keep doing it though. Who's the fool I wonder?

Ok. I phrased the question badly, so I'll try again. I'm not saying I want her to become a fitness fanatic, all I want for her is to see someone about her back to identify whether she can do anything to help herself.

I also don't buy the argument on here about not having a strong core. When you actually have a strong core you can really notice the difference when you pick things up or bend. And I definitely know through personal experience that sitting at a desk all day == tight glutes + weak hip flexors so posterior chain work is very important for lower back.

It's like the old saying. You can lead a horse to water ...

I've been the same through the same operation twice in a few years. The last operation was 10 years ago.
I have a little sympathy for you wife as I know what the aches can be like following this operation but exercising it is key.
I found the best way to manage it was regular exercise, cycling always worked well for me, better than walking actually as less impact. I also took up pilates to help build my core.
It certainly took a few years to get back to doing what I could before hand but you also have to appreciate that there is likely to be residual pain doing certain tasks from here on in.
In the last year I have taken up running again and have my first 1/2 marathon planned for later this year.
You certainly need to get her active but as others have said, think of something that can be enjoyable but not construed as exercise.

You certainly need to get her active but as others have said, think of something that can be enjoyable but not construed as exercise.

My wife does loads of exercises and core strength work - she spends at least 20 minutes every morning doing stretching and yoga moves.

I roll out of bed, never stretch and get in the shower.

Guess who suffers from a bad back!?

Just because you excercise doesn't mean you are immune to back problems.

What do her friends do? She's not going to wake up tomorrow and suddenly take responsibility for her fitness on her own, so you need to figure out some social mechanism to get her interested. Hiking with you would be great, if you can resist the urge to whip her up Snowden and just start easy with some touristy sort of walks in the countryside.

Plenty of Road to Damascus conversions out there of sedentary people suddenly getting in shape, but there's always something that switches it on, you have to find what that is.
[Often seems to involve crossfit for some reason - sure there's an older crowd who do that. It would mean having to listen to her babble inanities about 'the box' morning noon and night, but she'd be in great shape]

Definitely these!

Exercise doesn’t mean you won’t develop problems

Just because you excercise doesn’t mean you are immune to back problems

Just as lack of exercise isn't the cause!
Gyms are so bloody boring anyway. Unless you love looking at yourself in a room sized mirror that is.

You need to find something she enjoys.

Something where the experience part of the activity masks the boring exercise part.

The gym is never going to do that.

Or even sailing at local boat club - if she likes the sailing enough she might be motivated to do a little exercise to help her manage the boat.

Or badminton, or swimming.

i.e. probably something very different from your choices, although you could try an ebike to see if you get lucky.

I use a macebell because it gives me a lot of benefit in a very short time - you could try a very light one for her and both do sets in the garden at the same time.

If she was into sailing the benefits on her core strength and being able to manage the sail/boom would immediately be obvious and an incentive to keep doing it.

I’ve put on 4kgs reading this whilst scoffing my Krispy Creme Doughnuts (above^^) 🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩

Keep adding to the thread chaps, I’ve got the second layer to get through yet..

Just because you excercise doesn’t mean you are immune to back problems.

I don't think anyone thinks that, do they? It's pretty obvious. However, being relatively fit and strong has been shown many times to help preserve mobility, activity and independence in old age. I think this is the OP's point.

Pilates or gtfo, how would that go down?

I think folk are being a bit harsh on the OP.

If I start doing something bad for my health my wife will often give me a gentle nudge (beer / coffee / cake consumption creeping up, too stressed at work, too little exercise etc). Likewise, there are times when I've said something to her when it's appropriate and in a sensitive way. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

NHS guidelines for exercise are a couple of hours of cardio type stuff and couple of strength type activities once a week. Health benefits of exercise are pretty clear, back issues aside so nothing wrong with encouraging / helping a partner in this aspect. It's not much different to supporting someone to stop smoking or drink less.

I am petrified of having to look after her in later life

I'm petrified of having to look after my wife in later life. She's petrified about having to look after me in later life. We both know it is coming. It's part of the deal when you get married.

Neither of us fancies wiping each other's arse when we get doubly incontinent. But we will do it. Without being asked.

Sometimes life sucks but there's no way out. It will happen so get your attitude sorted.

It’s part of the deal when you get married.

Only if you stay together 😆

I think folk are being a bit harsh on the OP.

Me too, but then I've got a lazy wife as well 🙂

One thing that has got her moving a bit more, might be worth a try: I got her a Fitbit for Christmas this year, and it tells her off if she doesn't manage the daily number of steps. But cunningly I sold the idea to her as it also monitors heart rate and sleep, never mentioned the steps bit 😀

The sleep tracking thing is quite good, but I have been told I get hung up on it and how it works out good vs. bad sleep. It might be worth a try though and more steps for people in offices is generally a good thing.

On the bad back front though, I suffer and core strength helps, but it is not the be all and end all of it. I wish I could swim more, it's great exercise if, like me, you have pretty much ruined your major load bearing joints. Failing that, I can't recommend yoga enough. It's great for all levels of activity and, if you want more flexibility _and_ relaxation at the same time as a workout, it's great. Why not suggest you both go?

You need to find something she enjoys.
Something where the experience part of the activity masks the boring exercise part.
The gym is never going to do that.

This. I bloody love exercise but ask me to go to the gym and I'll (un)politely decline. She's more likely to do something if she enjoys it and/or there is a social element. Parkrun is a reasonable idea, very sociable and easy to do. Yoga or Pilates classes are also worth thought. But as above, make it something she wants to do and not something that you want her to do.

It’s part of the deal when you get married.

Only if you stay together 😆

There was a guy in my local bike club who had been married 30+ years. His wife got Alzheimer's and he divorced her because he didn't want to look after her. His kids wont have anything to do with him and he was left in no doubt that he wasn't welcome at the club.

Serves him right.

Hmmm, I'm not sure "Lazy" is a useful label to put on your missus OP. but I recognise the pattern.

I'm definitely more active than my wife and she also has back problems, but there is a root cause.
She got help extremely late, She had an epidural and a C-section (almost a decade ago) with our first and it was only after talking to other people she realized there should have been follow up to help with the impact to her core muscles from the C-section (your lower stomach muscles get cut FFS) and that the back pain thing may or may not be related to the epidural... Having kids isn't all fun and games for the Female body.

Anyway a couple of months ago, on the third attempt with a GP she finally got a physio referral... Her back issues have improved as a result, I still have to prompt her to do the exercises the physio has given her though during the week, but her general mobility is getting better and she wants to do more exercise.

She wants to get more active, she already enjoys walking, the odd bike ride and doing the odd gym class but her motivation is normally at a low point after a day at work, coming home and child herding for a bit, she ends up flopped on the sofa watching rubbish. like lots of people she seems to think exercise means she has to go to a gym or other special venue... I'm unlikely to change her mind about this, instead I'm just going to try and remove barrier for her and make being active as easy as possible...

She has requested that I set up a mini gym in the Garage (cross trainer/running machine/rowing machine type setup) which I'm going to do along with a small telly/firestick/bluetooth headphones to try and remove all potential excuses for not being active... I'll probably make use of this too so there are fringe benefits for me in all of this...

But yeah, it can be frustrating but she doesn't need a "bully" or a "trainer" she simply needs a "facilitator" someone (i.e. me) who makes things easier...

Trying to link injuries to exercise or lack of it isn't always simple. For example, I read an academic review paper on stretching about 15 years ago. The interesting thing was that people who stretched had more injuries, but sampling problems meant that it was impossible to tell if the stretching was causing injuries, or people with injuries tended to stretch more. Whatever the case, people who play sports more are more likely to get injured and also more likely to stretch and to exercise.

Edit: This wasn't a reply to cookeaa, by the way. He posted after I started typing this up.

Is that true? My watch tells me that if I do three half hour runs a week I’ll be healthier and I mindlessly obey it. My blood pressure has dropped from a bit high to perfect. Can I get away with a bit of gentle cycling and some walking instead? I’d much prefer that.

Yep, you certainly can. Combined with a good diet you will not need to do any more than that

Don't forget the true definition of fitness is to be average at everything.

I am a gym beast, ab wheel roll outs, front levers, 20+ deadhang pull ups, get the drift?
and up until a phone call a few hours ago i thought i was the fittest person in our relationship by a long chalk.

There by the grace of god springs to mind.

You're her husband so she's not going to listen to you.
Maybe you can have a word with her girlfriends. They could encourage her gently to go for walks/swimming/pilates or even dancing.
If she likes music she should like dancing. It's great exercise, keeps your mind busy and staves off pain.

How are you going to cope when your parents need looking after?

The key for a healthy old age is to keep active - it doesn't mean mad exercise, so encourage some form of exercise that's not a chore ! Walking is excellent.

My MIL is an example of doing nothing - just gives up. She's now in a nursing home, unable to even get up to a commode. She's given up trying. That's meant she can't go and live back in her own home after a short illness.

Tell her you'd like to do pilates to improve your flexibility, but could she come along to support you because you're intimidated by a classful of uberwimmin?

Alternatively, every time you walk down the pub, repeatedly shout 'race you!' and sprint towards the next lamp-post. No woman can resist that.

I got back problems when I was a courier, from driving all the time. Doctor said I should take up walking, or cycling, to strengthen my stomach and leg muscles too, and take the stress off my back muscles.
So I started walking,and cycling,and that got better, and one thing led to another...
The first step is the hardest, its the same every day, if I get on the bike, or walk down the road for 10 minutes, it normally turns into at least half an hour, and most of my aches and pains go away

I aplaud the ops honesty
To many people in life do not speak there mind from fear of what people think and I'm also aware that it's difficult to get your point across on sensitive subjects online.
Far too many overweight lazy People in the UK and if the bad back is been used as an excuse then the op has a valid point.
My wife became overweight and lazy in life and without my brutal honesty which as her husband only I could deliver without upsetting her resulted in us being best friends .
Remember it's sometimes cruel to be kind .

It's certainly not game over after having a discectomy - I had one in my twenties and can still ride MTB, go to the gym and even deadlift the heaviest I've ever lifted at 42 years old. (It also helps that I'm a chiropractor and I know what exercises/treatment help)

As others have said, it's all about finding something she enjoys doing and work towards that. I don't really like doing core/mobility work but I do it so that I can ride my bike more, which is what I really enjoy. Find something to motivate her and work towards that.

Is the OP divorced / murdered to death by his wife yet?

Stuff this "for better for worse" shite. Life is a ride and you can hop off any time.

If your missus won't look after herself and you're scared that you're going to end up caring for an invalid - and not just an invalid, an invalid who didn't have to be and, through inaction, did it to themselves then that's a grieveance in a relationship that must be taken seriously by both parties.

She doesn't have to flog herself to death, but she must do *something*, regularly and often. The trick is helping her find something she enjoys.

If she's intransigent then that shows she cares as much for your feelings as you do for diplomacy 🙂

Indoor climbing is great for flexibility, good to get your back moving. It is social and doesn't entirely feel like exercise. It's a good chance for a long chat and there's usually a cafe. Just good fun. The fact you wake up the next day aching is a bonus.