[Closed] Jokes Please- Amuse Me

What do you call a three legged donkey?

A Wonkey donkey

What do you call a one eyed three legged donkey?

A winky wonkey donkey

What do you call a man with a bacon on his head?

Hamed

What do you call a man with bacon on his head between two buildings?

Hamed Ali

What do you call a short sighted dinosaur?

Doyouthinkhesawus

Prince Charles came here to Bury to make a speech at the Chamber of Commerce. He turned up in a very interesting Davy Crockett hat. All went well until the end when the Chairman stood up and thanked Charlie for coming then added:

"One last question Sir, if I may? What's the purpose of the Davy Crockett hat?"

"Er, well..." replied Charlie, "when I telephoned my father the Duke of Edinburgh yesterday he asked me what I planned to do today. I replied that I was going to Bury. I'm a little hard of hearing I admit, but I'm pretty sure the Duke replied: 'Wear the fox hat!'"

Until recently jokes about stammering had been a big big no no!

Sorry?

What do you call an Indian karaoke enthusiast?

"Getupta Singh".

What do you call an Indian with an apple on his head?

"William Patel".

I met a transvestite from Manchester the other day. I assumed that's where he was from as he had a Wigan dress on..........

What dya call a chinese woman who spends a lot of time in the kitchen? Blenda!
what dya call a woman with one leg? Ilene!
horse walks into a boozer and says pint of lager please. The barman,flabbergasted,gets his pint and says to the horse thats amazing - a talking horse! Neverseen anything like it! Horse replies not much to it really. Barman says yknow theres a circus down the road you should head there and try and make a few quid. Horse replies why - are they lookin for sparkys?

Could do ya a whole rake of racist,sexist,anti disabled etc but they wouldnt go down well here!

Hamed Ali

😆 😆 😆

"Getupta Singh".

😆 😆

What do you call an Irish double glazing salesman?

Paddy O'Doors

What do you call a Russian with three testicles?

Whodya Nickabollockoff.

There's 2 parrots sitting on a perch. One says to the other "Can you smell fish?"

My mate called me a 'tightfisted Scottish skinflint' in the pub yesterday.
I threw his drink in his face.

I heard the other day that people living in Egypt don't like the Flintstones...which is wierd, because those living in Abu Dhabi do.

Someone accused my dad of stealing from his job in the roads department, I thought it was nothing to worry about but when I got home the signs were everywhere.

Long time ago in Canada I told the following joke after carefully explaining what an xr3i was and the people who drove them.
What's the difference between a hedgehog and an xr3i?
The pricks are on the outside of a hedgehog . Boom boom.
They looked at me and said, "what's a hedgehog?"
How sexist can we get on here? Got a goodie.

How sexist can we get on here? Got a goodie.

Well, as recent flounces prove, its nowt more than a "look at me I'm leaving, but I'll be back in a week" kinda thing, I'd say go for yer life.. 😉

Bloke standing at the bar and I girl wanders up to him and says "you don't recognise me do you ?"
He gives her another look and says "effing hell its pete"
After a few beers they get talking about former pete's sex change.
"Does it hurt when they cut your chest open and give you boobs?"
F.P replies "well it does a bit "
Few more sips then "Does it hurt when they slice your knob open turn it inside out and give you a vagina?"
F.P replies ",ooh that does sting a bit."
Couple of more sips and the bloke looks at Former Pete and says,"it must hurt like hell when they widen your mouth and take half your brain out !"

Here we go again. Don't you boys have better things to do?

APF

The young Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandry... He felt different yet... couldn't figure why... he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers... He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name...

The chief answered in his typically poetic way..."When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest... and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth."

Then, the boy said to the Chief... And how did my sister "Thundering Bird" get her name? The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird's mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky...

The boy asked again, how his cousin "White Crouching Bear" had been given such a name... And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe.... White Bear's mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby's birth. Then he asked the boy...

"Why do you ask, Two Dogs Sh*g**ng?"

😆

What do you call a Mexican carpet fitter?

[i]Underlay underlay.[/i]

What do you call an Irish hairdresser?

[i]Tim O'Tei.[/i]

I dropped my iPhone in the middle of the road the otherday and it was crushed by a car, all the bystanders turned and started clapping.

That was the best reception its ever had.

What do you call a man with lots of bacon on his head between two tall buildings?

Mohamed Ali

We went to the zoo the other day, I was really disappointed, they only had one dog there..

It was a shih tzu

I've just been diagnosed with Sausagephobia.

I feared the Wurst.

I was down the gym this morning, when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in.

Anyway, she's now made a formal complaint and I'm barred for life.

I've just bought a self-balancing, two wheeled personal transportation device. I want to talk about it but can't seem to find a smooth way to introduce it into conversation.

My father in law has just been banned from Sainsbury’s!!! Here is what he had to say about it:

"Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again as i'd lost 2 stone last time before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me? I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

Moral of this storey

Better watch what you ask retired people, they have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say"

😀

Met a bloke in a pub at the weekend (near Richmond Park), he offered me eight legs of Venison for £50, do you think that was two deer ?

*adds thread to favourites*
Superb stuff 😆

What do you call a man with lots of bacon on his head between two tall buildings, digging up the road with a jackhammer?

Sheikh Mohamed Ali

My dog has no nose.

I was down the gym this morning, when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in.

Anyway, she's now made a formal complaint and I'm barred for life.

WINNER!!

My dog has no nose.

How does he smell...

Awful...
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what do you call an Indian Lesbian?

Mingeeta 😀

[list]What do you call an English valet?

Park Car!

The first rule of thesaurus club: Don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about thesaurus club.

Where does Kylie get her kebabs?

Jason's Doner Van

I used to go out with a girl who used to punch and bite me every time she had an orgasm.

I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them 😉

Can't believe the STW police are letting some these jokes on here. Some are just like this one 🙂
http://www.****/news/article-1164742/Sir-David-Jason-forced-say-sorry-making-racist-joke-live-radio.html

That's you, that is

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

What do you call a Mexican fireman?
José

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't share everything.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Just had white paint spilt down me. No its not, its Tippex. I stand corrected.

What did the fish say when it bumped into a wall?

Damn!

3 Blokes walked into a bar

Ouch, Ouch, Ouch.

Fella buys a packet of mixed flavour condoms. Raspberry, Banana, Raspberry etc. He says to his wife "lets play a game, I will put one on and you have to guess what flavour it is" She agrees. She goes under the blankets and says "cheesey quavers?" He says "for f8cks sake give me a chance to put one on!"

What do you call a gay Arab?

Abdulpullmatool

Went to the hospital today to have mole removed from my penis.
RSPCA said i'd just get a warning this time!!

Astronaut #1: Bother. I can't seem to open up this milk.

Astronaut #2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.

A scientist today has invented a bra that stops boobs bouncing up and down and prevents nipples from sticking out in the cold.

His colleagues have kicked his head in.

Two rastafarians are sitting on the beach bored.

One says to the other, "I know, lets have an [i]emotions[/i] party. All dem guests have to come dressed as aaan emotion"

So, a few phone calls later all the rastas on the island were invited.

Knock Knock! The first rasta opens the door to see another rasta with a posse of babes dancing around and up and down him. He has a big FO spliff in one hand and a winning lottery ticket in the other.

"I" he proclaims "Have come as - happiness"

"Come on in, enjoy they party" says the second rasta.

Knock knock on the door and there was another rasta standing there in a black suit, tears in his eyes and a coffin festooned with the word 'Mother' in flowers.

"I have come as sadness".

Knock on the door and the ratas go to answer.

This time there are two rastas standing in the porch, both stark bollock naked, The first is 'cupping' his todger in a bowl of custard and the second is standing there with a huge smile on his face and a pear engorging his manhood.

(In your finest rasta accent if you please!)

"I am ****in dis-custard"

"And I, am deep in dis-pear"

WARNING: Don't join the Tesco dating service. I did and got a bag for life.

Just found my uncle has died and left me a Rolex. Hope it's not a wind up.

My girlfriend has just be me I could make a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.

I hate people who think they're worse off than everyone else.
My mate Derek is brilliant, had a bad accident, lost his voice and his legs. Does he make a song and dance about it? Does he hell!!

Just got back from my mates funeral. He died after being hit on the head by a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

My mate told me he is thinking of getting a divorce because his wife hasn't spoken to him for two months.
I told him to think very carefully about that. Women that good are hard to find.

Q - How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A - None. Atheists don't see the light.

Q - What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an atheist?
A - Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

What do you call a gay Englishman?

Graemecockrider

2 flies on a poo
one farts
the other says
"dya mind? i'm trying to eat"

CharlieMungus - Member
What do you call a gay Englishman?
Graemecockrider

I can see what you did there, very droll. Particularly for those of us from north of the border

The Potato King was sick of his three princess daughters moping around the palace so he summoned them to his chamber.

(Pam Ayers rustic accent needed here) “Daughters,” he commanded, “It is time for you to marry. Go out and find yourselves a suitable potato husband and report back to me one year from now.”

A year passed and the three daughters returned to tell their father how they had got on.

“My first daughter… tell me who you married!”

“Well Father,” replied the first daughter, “ I met a lovely Jersey Royal and I married him!”

“Very good! Very good!” chortled the Kind proudly. “Daughter number two?”

“Ooh Father, I met a lovely King Edward and I married him!”

“Excellent! Excellent!” smiled the King. “Now, daughter number three – how did you get on?”

(Sad voice here) “Well Father, I’m afraid I must disappoint you. I married….. I married..... Desmond Lynam”

“Desmond Lynam? Desmond Lynam?” shouted the King, enraged. “He’s just a common tater!”

A bloke walks in to a butcher's shop with a dachshund on a lead.

"Oi!" says the butcher, "You can't bring that dog in here, it's not allowed. Can't you read?"

"I can't because I'm blind" replies the bloke, "and anyway this is my guide dog."

"Guide dog?" scoffs the butcher. "That's no guide dog. Guide dogs are usually labradors or retrievers!"

"Well what kind of dog is this then?" asks the bloke in a puzzled voice.

"It's a dachshund!"

"Those lying bastards down at the blind centre!" mutters the bloke. "They told me it was a labrador.....!"

Hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to santa.
There was also the dyslexic agnostic that didnt believe in dogs.
Or the dyslexic pimp that bought a warehouse and filled it with destitutes.

I will go get my coat.

2 scottish poofs - Ben Doon and Phil McCracken. Theyve got a pal called Hugh Janus as well.

Blokes sitting in a boozer enjoying a quiet pint and a read of the paper. Fella comes in and sits down next to him - problem is he stinks. First guy says. Look mate no offence or that but you smell really bad. Second fella says yeah sorry about that - ive shit myself! First guy says thats ****in horrible - arent ya gonna go and get cleaned up? The second guy says no Ive not finished yet.

A teddy bear is working on a building site.
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.

The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Why shouldn't you go to the Ukraine if you have a hole in your pants?

Chernobyl fallout.

Too sexist?

A serial killer has stabbed 6 people with knitting needles...

Police said in a statement last night.. He seems to be following some sort of pattern!!!

Great stuff! Keep them coming, i'll put the kettle on!

[img] [/img]

canibearaindogtoo - That joke also starts with "Why do you never buy Ukrainian underpants?"

Our lass just whispered in my ear..
"Tonight I'm going to give you super sex",
I said, -- "I think i'll have the soup"

in the kitchen this morning I found my wife face down and not breathing,
I panicked, I didn't know what to do!... Then I remembered,
McDonald's do breakfast till 10:30!!

A student doctor asked his consultant;
“Why don’t we perform smear tests on women over 75?”
consultand replies;
“Have you ever tried to seperate a cheese toastie?”

Did you hear about the dyslexic rock star? He choked on his own Vimto

I was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open...
She said 'It's my husband, Quick try the back door...
Thinking back afterwards I really should have legged it,
but you don't get an offer like that everyday!!

How many birds with pmt does it take to change a light bulb? Just ****ING one allright!

what dyou call a sikh with one leg ??

balan-singh !

bloke : dyou like chicken ?

bird : yes i do actualy

bloke : you can suck my knob if you like its fowl !!

bloke ; dyou like beef ?

bird : yes i do as it goes

bloke : you can suck my knob if you like its dripping !!

Paddy & Mick are walking down the High street when they see a sign in a shop window "Suits £15, Jackets £10, Trousers £7".

Paddy says to Mick, "Jaysus, look at dem prices. We could buy a load of that kit, take it back to Dublin and make a ****ing killing"

Mick says "You're right, but if they twig we're Oirish, they'll never sell it to us"

So Paddy goes into the shop and in his best English accent says "Can I please have 20 suits, 30 Jackets and 30 pairs of trousers?"

"You're Irish aren't you?" says the bloke.

"****" says Paddy, "how did you know?"

"Because this is a dry cleaners!"

My girlfriend thinks Im a stalker.....Well shes not exactly my girlfriend

I saw a fat bird down the pub, her T-shirt said - Watch out, I'm a maneater!

I went up to her and said "Excuse me love, about your T-shirt slogan."

She stopped me and angrily said "Oh let me guess, you want to know how many men I've eaten?! Well I can't help my size you know!"

I said "Actually no, I wasn't going to say that at all."

She looked happier and smiled as she said "Oh yes, what did you want to say then?."

"That's not how you spell Manatee."

While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
...
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.

The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, ‘Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'

and finaly !

My neighbours............. The lesbians next door...... asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

I think some people need to seriously think about what they're typing...