[Closed] Jokes Please- Amuse Me

What do you call a three legged donkey?

A Wonkey donkey

What do you call a one eyed three legged donkey?

A winky wonkey donkey

What do you call a man with a bacon on his head?

Hamed

What do you call a man with bacon on his head between two buildings?

Hamed Ali

What do you call a short sighted dinosaur?

Doyouthinkhesawus

Prince Charles came here to Bury to make a speech at the Chamber of Commerce. He turned up in a very interesting Davy Crockett hat. All went well until the end when the Chairman stood up and thanked Charlie for coming then added:

"One last question Sir, if I may? What's the purpose of the Davy Crockett hat?"

"Er, well..." replied Charlie, "when I telephoned my father the Duke of Edinburgh yesterday he asked me what I planned to do today. I replied that I was going to Bury. I'm a little hard of hearing I admit, but I'm pretty sure the Duke replied: 'Wear the fox hat!'"

Until recently jokes about stammering had been a big big no no!

Sorry?

What do you call an Indian karaoke enthusiast?

"Getupta Singh".

What do you call an Indian with an apple on his head?

"William Patel".

I met a transvestite from Manchester the other day. I assumed that's where he was from as he had a Wigan dress on..........

What dya call a chinese woman who spends a lot of time in the kitchen? Blenda!
what dya call a woman with one leg? Ilene!
horse walks into a boozer and says pint of lager please. The barman,flabbergasted,gets his pint and says to the horse thats amazing - a talking horse! Neverseen anything like it! Horse replies not much to it really. Barman says yknow theres a circus down the road you should head there and try and make a few quid. Horse replies why - are they lookin for sparkys?

Could do ya a whole rake of racist,sexist,anti disabled etc but they wouldnt go down well here!

Hamed Ali

😆 😆 😆

"Getupta Singh".

😆 😆

What do you call an Irish double glazing salesman?

Paddy O'Doors

What do you call a Russian with three testicles?

Whodya Nickabollockoff.

There's 2 parrots sitting on a perch. One says to the other "Can you smell fish?"

My mate called me a 'tightfisted Scottish skinflint' in the pub yesterday.
I threw his drink in his face.

I heard the other day that people living in Egypt don't like the Flintstones...which is wierd, because those living in Abu Dhabi do.

Someone accused my dad of stealing from his job in the roads department, I thought it was nothing to worry about but when I got home the signs were everywhere.

Long time ago in Canada I told the following joke after carefully explaining what an xr3i was and the people who drove them.
What's the difference between a hedgehog and an xr3i?
The pricks are on the outside of a hedgehog . Boom boom.
They looked at me and said, "what's a hedgehog?"
How sexist can we get on here? Got a goodie.

How sexist can we get on here? Got a goodie.

Well, as recent flounces prove, its nowt more than a "look at me I'm leaving, but I'll be back in a week" kinda thing, I'd say go for yer life.. 😉

Bloke standing at the bar and I girl wanders up to him and says "you don't recognise me do you ?"
He gives her another look and says "effing hell its pete"
After a few beers they get talking about former pete's sex change.
"Does it hurt when they cut your chest open and give you boobs?"
F.P replies "well it does a bit "
Few more sips then "Does it hurt when they slice your knob open turn it inside out and give you a vagina?"
F.P replies ",ooh that does sting a bit."
Couple of more sips and the bloke looks at Former Pete and says,"it must hurt like hell when they widen your mouth and take half your brain out !"

Here we go again. Don't you boys have better things to do?

APF

The young Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandry... He felt different yet... couldn't figure why... he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers... He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name...

The chief answered in his typically poetic way..."When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest... and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth."

Then, the boy said to the Chief... And how did my sister "Thundering Bird" get her name? The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird's mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky...

The boy asked again, how his cousin "White Crouching Bear" had been given such a name... And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe.... White Bear's mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby's birth. Then he asked the boy...

"Why do you ask, Two Dogs Sh*g**ng?"

😆

What do you call a Mexican carpet fitter?

[i]Underlay underlay.[/i]

What do you call an Irish hairdresser?

[i]Tim O'Tei.[/i]

I dropped my iPhone in the middle of the road the otherday and it was crushed by a car, all the bystanders turned and started clapping.

That was the best reception its ever had.

What do you call a man with lots of bacon on his head between two tall buildings?

Mohamed Ali

We went to the zoo the other day, I was really disappointed, they only had one dog there..

It was a shih tzu

I've just been diagnosed with Sausagephobia.

I feared the Wurst.

I was down the gym this morning, when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in.

Anyway, she's now made a formal complaint and I'm barred for life.

I've just bought a self-balancing, two wheeled personal transportation device. I want to talk about it but can't seem to find a smooth way to introduce it into conversation.

My father in law has just been banned from Sainsbury’s!!! Here is what he had to say about it:

"Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again as i'd lost 2 stone last time before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me? I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

Moral of this storey

Better watch what you ask retired people, they have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say"

😀

Met a bloke in a pub at the weekend (near Richmond Park), he offered me eight legs of Venison for £50, do you think that was two deer ?

*adds thread to favourites*
Superb stuff 😆

What do you call a man with lots of bacon on his head between two tall buildings, digging up the road with a jackhammer?

Sheikh Mohamed Ali

My dog has no nose.

I was down the gym this morning, when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in.

Anyway, she's now made a formal complaint and I'm barred for life.

WINNER!!

My dog has no nose.

How does he smell...

Awful...
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what do you call an Indian Lesbian?

Mingeeta 😀

[list]What do you call an English valet?

Park Car!

The first rule of thesaurus club: Don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about thesaurus club.

Where does Kylie get her kebabs?

Jason's Doner Van

I used to go out with a girl who used to punch and bite me every time she had an orgasm.

I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them 😉

Can't believe the STW police are letting some these jokes on here. Some are just like this one 🙂
http://www.****/news/article-1164742/Sir-David-Jason-forced-say-sorry-making-racist-joke-live-radio.html

That's you, that is

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

What do you call a Mexican fireman?
José

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't share everything.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Just had white paint spilt down me. No its not, its Tippex. I stand corrected.

What did the fish say when it bumped into a wall?

Damn!

3 Blokes walked into a bar

Ouch, Ouch, Ouch.