[Closed] Jokes - I need your help

two goldfish in a tank. one says 'i'll drive, you man the gun'.

the one about the guy who goes to fill his car up at the petrol station but nothing comes out. He goes inside and asks the guy if he has his pumps on. He replies "No mate, I'm wearing trainers".

I saw a scarecrow this morning, looked like he was having a w@nk. But he was just clutching at straws...

(the moleskin windcheater with the retard hood please)

these are great, thanks...

you're welcome

i was a bit disappointed when i went to the zoo last week and they only had a small dog there. it was a shitzu.

I tried to sell my old boat the other day, the one with a hole in the deck.

Unfortunately the sale fell through.

I bought a new TV the other day, 32inch plasma screen, HD ready, the works.

It only cost me £50.

The only problem was the volume was stuck on full, but I mean at that price, I couldnt turn it down.

Three fat ginners walked into a pub...

Aimed at a victim in the audience

[i]Fred[/i] used to be indecisive, but now he's not so sure

I had a girl with eczema the other day,she had cracking t*ts

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A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.

It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one
hand, a glass of whisky in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked
under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mum or dad home?"

Little boy: "What do you think?"

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Live on BBC1 tonight,, World Cup Preview.........except for viewers in Scotland who will be shown the film Out Of Africa.

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Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be f****d if he needed glasses'.

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?

🙂

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me....

'Oi, what's your disability?'

I said 'Tourettes! Now **** off!'

[i]I had a girl with eczema the other day,she had cracking t*ts[/i] thats just put me off my tuna sandwhich. 😀

Wales is the only country where you can get a great shag, a smashing jumper, and a delicious hot pot, all from the same animal.

How do you make a cat go "woof"
Cover it in petrol and flick a match at it.

IN REALTION TO THE ABOVE ?/\/\

A 14 year old boy was arrested for raping an 8 year old girl in Cardiff.

He was later released without charge, after a judge ruled the girl was dressed provocatively in her woolly fleece.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a...ihg32h9gj0fk0kfkkkkkkfmmnnn273fbf111...

...FOR ****S SAKE KANYE LET GO OF THE KEYBOARD!

I phoned Easyjet to book a flight the other day. Apparently 'I don't ****ing know. It's your plane!' isn't the right response when they ask 'Are you travelling with anyone else?'

I organised for Stephen Hawking to give a lecture at my College.
He turned up ten minutes late and then talked for twenty minutes longer than planned.
He doesn't seem to have any concept of time.

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good also Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her t*ts are so big she can only fasten eight.'

What's the best cheese to hide a horse in?

Mascarpone.

Did you hear about the indoor yacht salesman? His sails were through the roof....

Jimmy Carr:

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said "It's nice to see so many bums on seats".

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

Theres been a lot of talk about genetic engineering I was wondering, is it wrong to breed piglets specifically for the purposes of weaning paedophiles off babies, only I'm thinking of starting a company called "They'll squeal, but not to the cops".

Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

I'd like to leave you ladies and gentlemen with this frightening fact: I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I'm not sure about you people, but I think we're being overcharged on groceries.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol(TM).

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

My girlfriend sat me down the other day for a chat. I say 'chat', it was her talking at me for six hours. I didn't realise that when men say they're 'spoken for' that's actually what they mean. She said "Jimmy, our relationship is at a crossroads. Down one road is struggle and hardship, but eventually, happiness. The other, well, that's a dead end." So I replied, "That's not a crossroads, that's a T-Junction".

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

I say no to gay marriage. It'll end up leading to gay divorce, and that'll be bitchy

the teacher asked her pupils to think of a sentence where the word 'beautiful' is used twice.

mary goes first; "i wore a beautiful dress and my mum said i looked beautiful"

"very good, mary. and timmy?"

"my mum baked a beautiful cake and it tasted beautiful"

"brilliant timmy. and johnny?"

"last night my sister came home and said 'dad, i'm pregnant'. he said 'that's beautiful, f***ing beautiful'"

Theres been a lot of talk about genetic engineering I was wondering, is it wrong to breed piglets specifically for the purposes of weaning paedophiles off babies, only I'm thinking of starting a company called "They'll squeal, but not to the cops".

so so wrong and yet so so so funny

Removed by me, too poor taste...(hangs head in shame)

A recent survey found that women spend, on average, over 3 months of their life rummaging in their handbags for their keys.

How come they always manage to find the pepper spray so quickly?

Did you hear about the dyslexic Kamikase pilot - he bombed Poole Harbour

This is the only one I know which isn't rude in some way.

A teenage Blonde Bimbo calls round to her neighbours house and ask's the guy if he has any small jobs she can do to earn a bit of pocket money. After a while thinking he tells her that she can paint the porch for £50 whilst he is working in his basement study, 'thats great I can do that easily' so he gets her some paint and tells her to give him a shout when she is finished.
2 hours later she shouts down into the basement that she has finished, the neighbour says Wow that was quick, yes she replies smiling and I gave it 2 coats as well. after being paid she says 'Oh by the way its not a Porch its a Lexus'.

Guy in a bar sees a jar of tenners behind barman, so he asks;

"What's with the Jar of tenners"

"Ahh you have to pay a tenner, then you get 3 tasks to complete if you do them all you can have the jar"

"What are the tasks"

"Nope doesn't work like that, I need the tenner first".

Not fully convinced the man drinks a pint before deciding he has to know what the tasks are. So he pays his tenner and the barman explains;

"First you have to drink a pint of whiskey without pulling a face, second there is a pitbull in the back room with a wobbly tooth, you have to get that out with your bare hands, lastly there is a 90 year old woman upstairs that's never had sex, you have to bed her".

"That's crazy I can't do all that".

Anyway the night goes on and 10 pints later the guy who can hardly stand decides to give it a bash.

He nails the pint of whiskey and despite the desperate urge doesn't even blink.

He then goes into the back room where all sorts of growls and barks and cries can be heard. The man comes out, clothes torn, blood all over him and says;

"Right, where is this old woman with the wobbly tooth"

cheers all...any more on the night shift?

{Modded - Play nice now...}

A teacher at school asked her pupils to write a poem with the word 'fascinate' in it..

After a few minutes the teacher asks the class to stop writing.
She points to little jonny,
Jonny, please read to the class what you have written..
Jonny recites...
I love to wear my coat,
I think its really great,
My coat has nine buttons,
but I can only fasten eight.

SHALL I GET MY COAT NOW ?

Skeleton walks into a bar & says, 'can I have a pint of lager & a mop?'

Clean one: The baker who had smelly hands...he said he needed a poo

best joke I ever got on mail.

Why don't cannibals eat clowns...... because they taste funny

Teacher runs a spelling competition at primary school and allows all those children who pass to go home early. She chooses the word by asking the kids what they did at the weekend.

"So claire, what did you do at the weekend?"
"I played in my sandpit"
"Very good, spell 'sand'"
"S A N D"
"Excellent, you can go home now. Timmy, what did you do at the weekend?"
"I played with Claire in her sandpit"
"Can you spell pit?"
"P I T"
"Very good timmy, off you go. Now Mukesh, what did you do at the weekend?"
"I played in Claire's sandpit with her and Timmy."
"Great, now spell racial discrimination"

Gordon Brown , a man more scared of an election than an eight year old Chinese prostitute.

One night Dad is left at home and so has to do the cooking, in a bid to get the kids to try new things he cooks them Deer and decides not to tell the kids until they've eaten it for fear of putting them off.

Halfway through the meal one of the children ask "Dad what is this meat"

To which his father decides to give a clue "it's what your mother calls me"

The kids spits it out and shouts to the other children, "Dont eat it, its a f*cking Kn0b"

Courtesy of the late Mr T Cooper..

Two blondes walk into a building..........
You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted," Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...
And pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank,
proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
'Is it common? '
"It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."

Two elephants walk off a cliff...
boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said,
'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in Several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

A drum kit fell off a cliff.

Boom, boom, tish!

That Tommy Cooper stuff wins hands down. Lovely!

Some of it, I am pretty sure, isn't TC though.

http://www.instantrimshot.com/

ok, courtesy of a web site which claimed they were TC's jokes. I suspect many of them have had a fair degree of recycling.

what do you call someone who's fallen out of love with a tractor?

An ex tractor fan

Horse walks into a bar. Barman says "why the long face?"

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Just found out my mother-in-law is Danish. Always through she had a face like a Norse.

Two Parrots on a Perch.

One says to the other. "Can you smell fish?"

I'll see your instant rim shot and raise you a sad trombone
http://sadtrombone.com/

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex.

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like.
I said, "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied,
"You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over.
I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."
He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.
The next day we
were married at the Justice of the Peace.
My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.
He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at
night."
The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away.
Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.
I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV."
He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her.
A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.
I said, "I'm looking for Sex." - My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.
Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"
I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

IGMC

Fascinating fact:

Statistically, nine out of ten people enjoy gang rape...

1 out of 7 Dwarfs is Happy.

I'm so worried - I don’t know what to do now postmen have voted to stage a national strike.
If only scientists could invent a way for us to use computers to send mail electronically over the internet.

A man and woman are talking just after sex, the woman says
'If i get pregnant, what will we call the baby?' As the woman says this
the man takes off his condom, ties it and flushes it down the loo, he
turns to her and says 'Houdini'.

I'm not normally suspicious, but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected his special resin into her crack.

She hasn't even got a car