[Closed] jobs that SHOULD exist, but don't

Tea Lady.

I know they used to exist, but I could really do with a decent cuppa right now, but I'm too lazy to get to the rubbish tea machine.

An inhouse cleaners. Someone who could whisk away my sodden, filthy cycling gear when I got into work, and arrive back at my desk with it clean, dry, toastily warmed up on a radiator, and smelling of pine forests, just before I'm due to set off home

The reality is going to be somewhat different 🙁

Professional forumite.

An under desk fluffer. A sort of physio or Yoga teacher who comes around offices but just gets to the point of what you'd like.

Curator of the Internet.

How much would you be prepared to pay for such a service Binners?

... ones with satisfaction?

[i]someone who breaks your shoes in for you, so you don't get cut-up achilleses and achey feet and end up at work with no shoes on.[/i]

they are called German Squadies 🙂

stavromuller - given the somewhat unappealing prospect of climbing back into soggy lycra in 2 hours time - at this point in time, you could name your price 🙁

Email buffer that stops any silly or stupid email mistakes

Are you drunk sir?> lets you play on the internet while sloshed, but cuts out any stupid purchaces you will regret the next day.

A walker - who walks in front of you in busy public streets, clearing the rif-raf out of the way & deals with cuggers for you!

I could go on.......

😉

I melted a pair of gloves once using a hair drier to dry them out.
Not sure whether wet gloves is worse than no gloves.
Maybe you should ride home in the buff.

Email buffer that stops any silly or stupid email mistakes

Are you drunk sir?> lets you play on the internet while sloshed, but cuts out any stupid purchaces you will regret the next day.

These both exist as Chrome browser extensions, I'm sure.

binners - Member

An inhouse cleaners. Someone who could whisk away my sodden, filthy cycling gear when I got into work, and arrive back at my desk with it clean, dry, toastily warmed up on a radiator, and smelling of pine forests, just before I'm due to set off home

The reality is going to be somewhat different

*ahem* I believe you have one of these already just not in work..... 👿

A walker - who walks in front of you in busy public streets, clearing the rif-raf out of the way & deals with cuggers for you!

Emergency dad service.

A subscription based service, where a quick call sends a man in a nice sweater (who drives an estate car) to any location to sort out your problems. Covering basic first aid, common sense DIY, plumbing emergencies, the "I've just bought something big and can't get it in my mini" moments, lifts home at 4am.

We could also provide mums to fulfil similar roles but with more enthusiasm and cups of tea.

bagpuss - why don't you drive to binners work with a spare set of gear for him?

I did offer to go and collect him......

Big hitter

Shelter-Wallahs.

Looking out of the window, I fear my ride home will be most moist. As such, I would like to employ a group of shelter-wallahs to run in front of me, carrying a large windblock and waterproofed shelter so that I may ride in the dry and warm.

This will also require very fast working mop-wallahs to dry the road surface, of course.

Bagpuss - has he proposed to you yet?

You mean you don't have this facility already Flashy? I'm most disappointed. You're slacking old chap

And Bagpuss did indeed very kindly offer to come and get me. She's an angel.

EDIT: I haven't as yet Yeti. But I'm not about to get into that on an internet forum. No good would ever come of it 😯

Binners, these are times of austerity, my dear old thing. I had to let my third under punkah-wallah go the other day. Don't even get me started on the loss of my grape peelers.....

I would like to be the person who rides our local bridleways to make sure they are still there, sort of like a security guard, in case anyone steals them. Obviously they would need to be checked regularly and this would mean riding my bike offroad every day. I could also inspect cafes to make sure their tea and cakes were up to the mark.

Yes, I would like that job 🙂

A mate of mine did just that.. all around Hampshire with a GPS and a singlespeed!

A walker - who walks in front of you in busy public streets, clearing the rif-raf out of the way & deals with cuggers for you!

Look above peoples heads, they move aside.

I would like a personal lottery winner person, to win the lottery for me once a year.

Look above peoples heads, they move aside.

don't read/ talk on your mobile phone - I will walk into you 😈

You're all missing the obvious one. Singletrack drier. Uses mop, shovel, fan heater, supply of gravel as appropriate to make the singletrack you want to ride nice and fun ready for the next morning. Booking required by 8pm the night before.

I'd like a service that provides a Emsz-alike to go to all my dates with friends and goes to work while I have a kip. That would be awesome.

Really really didn't need to get up this morning 🙁

Singletrack drier.

A more specific role is needed at the deadly Cannock Chase Trails... the role being 'braking bump buffer out-ter'... as soon as the mere hint of a braking scratch appears the BBBO jumps into action to ensure safe trails for one and all.

"Cannock braking bump buffer out-ter"

No human exists with the necessary strength and skill

Tony Blair testicle kicker. To be paid by the hour.

No human exists with the necessary strength and skill

If anyone can do it DavidTaylforth can. All that dry stone walling and squirrel eating should stand him in good sted.

PJM1974, what's the rate?

Actually, no need. I'll do it free of charge, in my own time.

Karinofnine - you would need a horse for that surely? 😉

I would like to be the person who rides our local bridleways to make sure they are still there, sort of like a security guard, in case anyone steals them. Obviously they would need to be checked regularly and this would mean riding my bike offroad every day. I could also inspect cafes to make sure their tea and cakes were up to the mark.

LG - nice to see you back! or is it me that's back? lol