[Closed] Is my sister in law stirring or naieve?

When I read it I see that they're offering to contribute significantly to your family's costs so what's your problem?

Pretty lame that you're having a moan, and as for feeling 'betrayed' that your OH wants to go..... are you 12?

Two sides;

1) your OH knows how you feel about this (or should do) - why is she not just turning it down or negotiating to get you a ticket too?

2) you know your OH wants to go, your son would enjoy it and, tbh, a long haul flight with a 4 year old will be a nightmare after the first 20 minutes and you might be better off out of it. Let them go and enjoy themselves, wave goodbye at the airport, greet them with a big bunch of flowers and use the time on your own to ride lots.

When I read it I see that they're offering to contribute significantly to your family's costs so what's your problem?

Tricky thing handing out money. Hand out too much and people can think that it's willy waiving. Not enough and they're stirring. You can't win.

Indeed, they're offering a significant help in getting your family out there and specifically the persons closest to them - why consider it stirring?! Just because you can't afford to go, which is not fun, doesn't mean it was done on purpose.

you, as a grown man, want someone to pay for you to have a holiday? grow a pair mate, honestly.

You've just been handed a free pass to get out and ride whenever/wherever you want!

I would say it's a nice gesture and let your OH and kid go as it will be a good experience for them, obviously it would be nice if you could all go but things don't always work out that way.
Be happy for them and let them enjoy it.

I think it's a bit out of order to say 'you two can come but you can't'. It would've been much better for her to say 'well we can afford to help your family out a bit'. They could offer to 'go halves' or something.

Significant difference, imo. They are saying that you are not as wanted as the rest of your family, it looks like.

a long haul flight with a 4 year old will be a nightmare after the first 20 minutes and you might be better off out of it

All the more reason to go, to help your poor OH out a bit!

Let them go. While they're away buy a new bike.

I bet the Nephew is getting married in Vegas for a reason... he dont blooming want loads of people there.

Dont understand why his mother is paying for ANYboby to go.

The thing is, its not somewhere we'd chose to go and Im not sure its the best place to take a 5 year old.
Yes I am annoyed because they KNOW I cant afford to go, as does my OH (who isn't that bothered about going).
Its her sister, not her nephew that wants them to go as well.
Thanks molgrips, at least you seem to understand where im coming from

My other half wants to go, even though she has said she isn't too keen on going.

I sort of got lost at this bit.

I agree with Molgrips they should just offer to help out rather than specifying who they are helping which seems a bit divisive.

Is your OH your wife or your long term gf?

I can see te OP's point. I have two sis-in-law's. I treat them as the rest of family and would never see them left out of something. I certainly wouldn't put them in a position were the family had to be split (assuming they know your financial position).

It is a nice gesture for them to offer to pay but if it was me making the offer I would offer to pay for the whole family or wouldn't offer at all.

I wouldn't want to miss out being involved with my childs 1st holiday aborad / flying etc

Thank you surfer, "divisive" is a word that keeps cropping up in my mind.

You're missing something here.

What is a 4-year old going to do in Vegas? A few hands of Blackjack followed by an evening's pole dancing? He'll be bored shitless. I went there for a friend's wedding a few years ago, I was on a shoestring budget, and I was bored shitless in my 30s. There is categorically no point going to Vegas unless you've got money to throw around, the entire place is designed from the ground up to extract as much money from you as possible.

If you want a family holiday I'd strongly suggest putting aside the money that she'd otherwise spend in Vegas, and spending it on a day trip to Legoland or something.

If she -really- wants to go, then I'd say let your wife go to the wedding and keep the kid at home. You'll be saving money and doing him a favour. Take him camping or something.

I would say she was stirring things up by implying you havent got a well enough paid job to take family to Vegas.......but you should be pleased that your OH and son are going and you should be even more pleased that you've got time to yourself when they're away to do whtever you want to do!

Book a few days off work when they're away and have your own holiday, I love it when my OH and two girls go away without me, I positively encourage it plus it makes you appreciate them more when they return.

Get over it, pack their bags for them, wave them off at the front door and let the fun begin!

Honestly wouldn't be bothered one whit and would feel gratitude toward the SIL for offering wife and son the opportunity to attend the wedding. Please don't lay a guilt trip on your wife for wanting to go and enjoy herself - you should be happy for her / your son.

Seems like a perfectly reasonable offer. Some in-laws offered to take my wife and kids to Lapland with their sprogs to see Father Christmas the other year I helped them pack and took them to the airport before you could say 'I'll think about it'.

Let them go, laugh about it when they get back, you don't have to be your family's shadow all the time.

they should just offer to help out rather than specifying who they are helping

Perhaps they didn't want to offend by offering to help ("I know you're skint and we're loaded, would you like a hand-out?") as some people can be sensitive about it. I suspect they were trying to be diplomatic, but it does seem odd.

Vegas, class

The other way of looking at this of course is from the PoV of your OH:

"My nephew's getting married in Vegas and I'd love to be there but we just can't afford it. My sister has offered to buy me a ticket, which is a very sweet thing to to, but I'm going to have to turn her down because I know my OH won't be able to go. I'll just tell him I'm not bothered so that he doesn't feel guilty."

I know this does not happen often but I have to agree with Mols on this one.

What is a 4-year old going to do in Vegas?

Provide an excellent cover story for an audacious casino heist.

Ignoring all the flak your getting, I whole heartedly agree with this...

If she -really- wants to go, then I'd say let your wife go to the wedding and keep the kid at home. You'll be saving money and doing him a favour. Take him camping or something.

Vega's is no place for a 4 year old, let alone the 8 hr(?) flight there, and surely going out in vegas with a 4 year old would be impossible, if not very awkward

EDIT:
PS. As your the bread winner, there no way I'd want my holiday allowance used to go
1) Some-where I didn't want to go
2) For something so goddam stupid as a "vegas wedding".

What is she paying for- flight's only, or accommodation as well?
If it's accommodation as well, then you only need to find the airfare (the hotels let you jam a dozen or so people in most rooms)- is that doable?

Vega's is no place for a 4 year old, let alone the 8 hr(?) flight there, and surely would going out in vegas with a 4 year old would be impossible if not very awkward

We spent a very pleasant fortnight there with our 4 and 5 year olds. Didn't gamble a cent though, and might have only had a couple of beers (with meals) in the whole time. Loads to see and do, a lot free or very cheap.

I think I can understand where you're coming from and I think I would probably feel the same. But, is it possible the sister-in-law might not have thought you wanted to go, or just didn't think to factor you into her offer? Could she have just thought that with you working she might be able to help out by paying for your OH and child? Could be something completely innocent and you've reacted badly to it?

I only say that because I've done it myself in the past, but once cooler heads have prevailed I've been embrassed and felt bad for how I acted/thought/felt.

At first I thought "yes, deffo stirring", but that was because you suggested it.

Perhaps as lots have suggested, they're trying to be sensitive with regards to handing out money.

Additionally

my OH's nephew is getting married

That's a very tenuous link to be getting free flights to Vegas!

Also

My sister in law has offered to pay...

Fair enough they're flying your OH, or to put it clearly.... your OH's sister is paying fopr her own sister. I don't know your family dynamic, but IME no man comes between sisters 🙂

So to me, your OH's sister wanted her to come and clearly felt that the little one couldn't stay behind ing your capable hands. Maybe she vented that she wished she could get away?

I hope this hasn't caused offence, is just my interpretation etc. etc.

if her indoors and the kid go look at the associsted costs.. meals, spending money, clothes, wedding outfits, wedding presents it'll add up for sure if moneys tight one goes, all go and vegas is an adults play pen everything costs and is deasigned with adults only in mind. we stayed at home and wathced my mrs beat mate get married by elvis on the internet and had a party for them when they got back for a fraction of what it would have cost to go.. and the memories of watching elvis doing his stuff on the pc were much better than been there..

Just agree as a family not to go, you say your OH isn't too keen anyway (or that's what I thought you said). And +1 on not taking a 4yr old to Vegas.

but IME no man comes between sisters

Well said that (wo)man. Your s-i-l is doing your sister a favour because she wants her sister to be there when her son gets married. In the nicest possible way, you're the +1.

It might not be practical in your situation but the suggestion for you to keep the kid while your wife's away is a nice one. Also means you can have your family holiday abroad together in due course.

Her husband earns a good wage and recently received an inheritance

You want your wife's sister's husband to pay for you to go to Las Vegas?

An overseas wedding when a) you can't afford to pay people to come over and b) your family can't afford it themselves is a bit out of order too imo.

If she -really- wants to go, then I'd say let your wife go to the wedding and keep the kid at home. You'll be saving money and doing him a favour. Take him camping or something

+1

If I could afford to go, I'd still hire a car and get the hell out of there with the boys and let the wife deal with the wedding whilst we have some fun 🙂

An overseas wedding when a) you can't afford to pay people to come over and b) your family can't afford it themselves is a bit out of order too imo.

normally your pretty open minded molly so i'm a bit surprised by that comment... what if they wanted a small wedding miles away from certain friends and family... or simply.. what if they wanted vegas?

EDIT - so summarise... its not the families wedding, or the guests wedding. its the 2 people getting married.

You're committing a fundamental schoolboy error I'm afraid. The question isn't "have i got enough spare cash to go to Vegas for a wedding?"

The question is "have i got enough spare cash for all the beer, coke and hookers I'm going to get through while my OH goes to Vegas for a wedding?" 😉

Seriously though: Are you mad? I repeat : ARE YOU COMPLETELY ****ING INSANE? I'd rather nail my own testicles to a plank than go to ANY wedding in Vegas. Never mind a minor member of my in-laws clan. That sounds like a vision of hell. And to shell out christ-knows how much for privilege?! Pfft! I should coco. You could swing a week in Morzine for about half as much.

You've had a very lucky escape. Now stop whining and treat is such

binners nails it.

Las Veas is a dump, its trashy....think an upmarket Blackpool, everyone smokes in the Casino's, Hookers everywhere......I would never take my kids there!

binners nails it.

They are sending you a message that they don't want you there. Once you get over that you'll be fine.

Binners winners!

what if they wanted a small wedding miles away from certain friends and family... or simply.. what if they wanted vegas?

Fair enough and that is perfectly understandable, but if they want the sister to be there it's a bit off to offer to pay for only her. Sensitive subject I reckon.

If you want a wedding away from people you don't have to go to Las Vegas. Anywhere will do.

An overseas wedding when a) you can't afford to pay people to come over and b) your family can't afford it themselves is a bit out of order too imo.

They don't want to have to sit at a Harvester in Chelmsford listening to Uncle Alf whining about what a shitty job they've done of the wedding. They want to get sprayed orange and have a wedding in the sun with their mates.

But not their mates' families?

Can't you go to Vegas on your own afterwards? Is that not what honeymoons are for?

Fair enough and that is perfectly understandable, but if they want the sister to be there it's a bit off to offer to pay for only her. Sensitive subject I reckon.

I disagree, they're offering to pay for the wife and kids in the assumption that he'll cover the last bit of the costs, not saying "they can come but you can't" or "you can have a free holiday on us".

Personally I think, having a wedding abroad and then expecting people to visit you there without you paying is a cheek. If I have a wedding abroad I'll pay for those I invite, though it won't be many.

They should be aware of the financial situation tho.

But I dunno. I may have my mind changed on this subject. We don't really know the relationships and attitudes of those involved of course.

My point is we can't afford any holidays. The last break away from home was to my cousins wedding in Harrogate and my mum paid for [b]all of us[/b] to go (including my mum).
I've had to turn down several trips to Wales, mainly because I thought it would be a bit selfish that I can't afford a family holiday, but I could find the money for a biking week in wales. It just wasn't on or far on my OH in my view.
I don't think there's an agenda to her sisters offer and the comment about brother in law being well off was not to say "he can afford it", but just to put my finances into perspective. The nephew I doubt is even bothered about them going tbh. They've been dithering about having a wedding abroad for quite some time and have only recently settled on chosing Vegas.

let them go, hope they have a lovely time.

next time there is a biking trip to wales, you won't have to feel guilty.

you don't have to go to the horrible las vegas wedding, they get a trip away, you get to go biking. win win win.

Dave

quandryman: I'm sorry if I sounded unsympathetic. It's a difficult position you're in. I'm sure it's disappointing for you not to being going with her when a holiday of your own, all together, doesn't seem to be forthcoming. But if your wife wants to go, don't guilt her into not going or going but feeling bad. Take it on the chin, even if it's crap. It doesn't seem like you'll be missing all that much anyway, judging by the comments on here about Vegas weddings.

I can see your perspective about your s-i-l. But otoh, they're doing a lot by even offering to pay for your OH. I don't think she's stirring or naive.

But if your wife wants to go, don't guilt her into not going or going but feeling bad. Take it on the chin

Good advice that.

If you're so strapped that you can't afford a weekend in a tent on your bike, then I'd respectfully suggest that you can't afford for her / them to go to Vegas even with flights / accommodation paid for. What are they going to eat, for a start? That's before you even look at "hey, we're going to a show tonight, are you coming?"

...but I could find the money for a biking week in wales

Im not trying to guilt anyone, Im not going to start shouting at her and say "you can't go, I forbid it".
Im sad that I won't be able to go with my son for his first plane trip and holiday abroad. Im saddened that my OH can't see this either. Yes Im annoyed because I will miss out. I'd actually quite like to see Vegas, but there's also a trip to the Grand Canyon being organinsed by the BIL because he wants to take MY son to see it.
If we went on lots of foreign holidays then it wouldn't matter, but we don't and it does.

Tell them to go, be gracious about it. Take the time that they're away to ride your bike when you like and do some stuff that you wouldn't otherwise get the time to do. Then meet them at the airport with a big bunch of flowers and cook them a nice meal when they get home and listen to how nice/funny/weird the wedding was.

You could come out of this looking like the worlds greatest husband and get out of going to a wedding which is always a good thing.

Cougar - Member
If you're so strapped that you can't afford a weekend in a tent on your bike, then I'd respectfully suggest that you can't afford for her / them to go to Vegas even with flights / accommodation paid for. What are they going to eat, for a start? That's before you even look at "hey, we're going to a show tonight, are you coming?"

Why not do the decent thing and offer to keep your nipper for the week or however long so your missus can have a proper holiday of it?

A'la what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas?

from the first post it looks like op can't decide what to do, so why not put it to the fates?
take the money sister in law is offering, put it all on a horse, if it wins (at more than 2/1, obviously) = result, family holiday, if not = result family stay at home holiday.

I have just cleared all my debts and I've no intention of going back there again.

Then you're better off than many. (And I mean that as a compliment, not a pissy comment).

I'll stay at home eating baked beans on toast cleaning my chain.

There's plenty of cheap ways of enjoying yourself. You could still use it as a holiday.

lol @ BBSB
I dunno, feel like a git, but also feel that the cat matters more than I do.

[i]but also feel that the cat matters more than I do. [/i]

we asked the children what the pecking order in our house was.

the result was I was below the cat but, in a face saving (for me) move, I was placed above the Guinea Pig. Result!

You'll work something out - I'd tend to think that your s-i-l thought she was doing her sister a favour by offering to pay for her and maybe thought you wouldn;t go even if you could? She coudl have approached it a bit differently but, in the end, she's offerign cash she doesn't need to to help you out - they may have more than you but it doesn't mean tey couldn;t use the money else where.

are you lot married or just bf/gf? That might make a difference? or maybe SIL just thought you'd be too proud to accept?

If accom is being paid for, vegas is approx £450 return. are you able to scrimp/save/sell a bike to pay for that?

My point is we can't afford any holidays.

As above, can you afford for them to go as described though? If so then I think you should let them go IF they want to. It's natural for sisters to want each other at their kids weddings. Your sister is blood, you aren't so I wouldn't say it's out of order for them to pay for only your partner and child. They get a trip away and you get some free time, sounds good to me.

Surprised at the number of people expecting their travel expenses to a wedding to be paid for! Do you rock up with a petrol receipt and a TravelLodge bill at the UK weddings you attend you tightwads 🙂 If people offer, that's fine. Best mate got married in the Swiss Alps last year and I think they had the right attitude. It was what they wanted that was important for one of the most special times of their lives. They helped a few people out according to circumstances (including me to a small extent). It still cost more than I can afford, but was worth every penny 🙂

Quandryman you might want to have a good look in here.

[img] [/img]

Eh?
<edit> Aaah, looked at the image properties. True.<edit>

We're not married, but have been living together for almost 10 years and a 4.5 yo child. Its not like Im some flash in the pan bloke from a one night stand!

If accom is being paid for, vegas is approx £450 return. are you able to scrimp/save/sell a bike to pay for that?

There's plenty of cheap ways of enjoying yourself

Rubbing baked beans on a chain doesn't do it for me, I have to say.

cant be arsed reading whole threa this but I would treat this as you are not really part of the family so we wont pay for you.
Saying that a las evegas wedding with a small child sounds my idea of hell so i would not be that bothered.
If SO wants to go let her if she is as daft as want to take the child let her

Not a chance in hell! Even if I could, I wouldn't!

Without wishing to put too fine a point on it, you don't want to go [i]that[/i] much. I can imagine a situation where I wanted my brother to be there with me and as a blood relative, would feel it my duty to pay his ticket if he couldn't afford it. However, I might draw the line at paying for my brother's girlfriend as maybe I didn't have that much money and at the end of the day she's someone my brother has chosen to spend his life with, not someone I have. Reading between the lines you want to go to see vegas and visit the GC. This is someones wedding by the way.
Chill out and spend the time out on your bike. elaine anne might have a good bike for sale for a spot of touring.

Personally I think, having a wedding abroad and then expecting people to visit you there without you paying is a cheek. If I have a wedding abroad I'll pay for those I invite, though it won't be many.

Reading between the lines you want to go to see vegas and visit the GC. This is someones wedding by the way.

Its not a wedding its a religious sham if its held in Vegas.

I doubt there will be much religious about the proceedings. Its a temple of mammon, you know

But here's a thought. Have you made your strongly held feelings on the sanctimony of marriage as an institution, public? Perhaps therein may lie your lack of a paid-for invite. Just a thought

Alternativly.

Sell the car, go to Vegas, put the money on red/black which ever sits well with you, hope to **** you win, get pi**ed as a fart at the wedding and tell the family EXACLY what you think of them, come back with profit and buy a new car.

You sure,your BIL not the father of your kid?

Tell them that the flights cost twice as much as they do. Spend the profit in the casino.

I think there are deeper issues which probably shouldn't be discussed on a bike forum unless you want several pages or sarcastic answers. Maybe talk this through with your missus.

Most weddings are religious shams 😉

Im not trying to guilt anyone

I'm sorry, again - I wasn't criticising you. I just meant if your wife wants to go, it might be the more valorous (?) thing to do to not mention your disappointment/misgivings.

It'll be a shame to miss your wean's first plane trip, true. But OTOH, I've been to an overseas wedding and it wasn't like a holiday really - it was a lot of stress and family bickering extended over a week. It doesn't sound like you'll be too sad to miss the wedding itself either!

Chin up, big man! {Punches affectionately on shoulder}

How about...
Your s-i-l doesn't feel flush with cash at all, but wants her sister at the wedding really badly, enough take that not insignificant financial hit. You're further down the list, which is fair enough since you're not blood, and beyond what she thinks she can reasonably afford. Perfectly reasonable.

Wish them all a good time and MTFU.

Naah, I tend to stay off the subject of religion with my family, I'd only upset them!
BIL not my sons father, my son has hair and doen't have a head the shape of Stewie from Family Guy.
I will be talking about this further with my OH, just wanted to gauge whether I was being a selfish git or whether Im right to feel aggrieved. I'd say its 50/50 at the moment.
I suppose I could wee in all her shoes whilst she's away, it should have dried by her return!

Personally I wouldn't want my 4 year old Son being taken half way round the world to somewhere like Vegas so he can go to a cousin's wedding.

I wouldn't want my SIL's husband taking my son to see the grand canyon either.

Tell her your concerned about a 4 year old in vegas and keep the nipper home and do Father / Son stuff for a week. Your son will get more out of that than seeing a big canyon and drunk americans.