MegaSack DRAW - This year's winner is user - rgwb
We will be in touch
I'll start with a physics one.
Werner Heisenberg is pulled over by the police on the motorway. Cop says to him, "Do you know what speed you were doing sir?"
He replies, "No. But I know exactly where I am."
What you got?
😆 I have none in return though.
I just googled him and still don't get it.Then again I dropped physics at 13
A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks: Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop by this train?
This is why geeks were never popular at school 😉
One for the computer geeks!
Why is is the computer geek Santa scary?
Because he can't tell the difference between Oct 31 and Dec 25...........
Paranoid schizophrenic sitting on his own in a room...what does he say?
"Run for it lads!"
Lets have some proper toilet humour, I don't come here to be patronised 😉
There are 10 types of people on this planet.
Those that get binary and those that dont.
if you're not part of the solution you're part of the precipitate.
Q: What do you call a joke that is based on cobalt, radon, and yttrium?
A: CoRnY.
Q: Why is potassium a racist element?
A: Because, when you put three of them together, you get KKK.
A neutron walked into a bar and asked, "How much for a drink?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge.
Two atoms were walking across a road when one of them said, "I think I lost an electron!" "Really!" the other replied, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I 'm absolutely positive."
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac.
He stayed up all night debating whether there was or wasn't a dog.
Renee Descartes walks into a bar, the bartender says "sir can I get you a martini "Descartes says "I don't think..." and he disappears
Not sure this is intellectual but it's science based.
Why did the bear dissolve in water?
Because it was a polar bear!
Two atoms walking down the street. One says to the other "I think I've lost an electron"
The other atom replies "Are you Sure?"
"Yes I'm positive"
This is one I did all by misself.
Ahem....
I say I say I say,
Which Composer never left home for very long?
(wait for it
wait for it
almost there
almost
there
here we go)
Offenbach.
HAHAHAhahahahaahh...hh..h 😐
I chuckled at both of those 😆
my only 2 intellectual jokes are..
the classic
I'm hit, I'm hit I've lost an electron
Are you sure?
I'm positive!
(edit: whoops I was a bit slow there!)
and another...
an electron, a proton and a neutron walk into a bar, the electron buys the first round of drinks "that'll be £5 then please sir", so he hands the money over. The proton buys the next round, another £5. Then the neutron goes and orders a round - "for you sir, no charge!"
How many amish does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A what?
Two cats sat on a tin roof. Which one falls off first?
The one with the lowest mew
[img] 
[/img] roper. I LOL'd
For the mathematicians:
What's purple and commutes?
An abelian grape.
I'm not getting thv3's one. It's driving me nuts.
[img] 
[/img] @ Rio
Real Madrid, 1 - SurReal Madrid, Fish
"This old pipe is rusty", said Tom, ironically.
A man walks into a bar, and realises he is slightly under atmospheric pressure.
What goes "pieces of seven, pieces of seven"?
A parroty error.
A mathematician, a biologist and an engineer are sitting in a Cafe watching an empty house. Two people walk into the house, and then later three people walk out.
The biologist claims "They must have reproduced!"
The Engineer claims "The orginal assumption that the house was empty must have been incorrect!"
The Mathematician claims "Now if one more persons enters the house, it will be empty again!"
1=0!
what's pink and dusty?..
Madeleine MacCans bike
What's yellow and dangerous?
A canary with root password.
A SQL statement walks into a bar and spots a couple of tables. It walks over to them and asks "Can I join you?"
A Higgs Boson walks into a catholic church and sits down at a pew.
The priest's doing his rounds, and spots the hypothetical subatomic particle sitting at a pew. The priest says "Oi! You can't come in here. Subatomic particles don't have souls".
The higgs boson replies, "Ah! But you can't have Mass without me".
Who'd have thought Wikipedia would have a whole section on maths jokes.
I like this one, attributed to Bill Bailey:
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first goes up to the bartender and says, "I'll have a pint of lager, please." Each next one says, "and I'll have half of what he's having." The bartender says, "You're all idiots," and pulls two pints.
Can you name a cardinal bigger than the Pope?
Two to the Pope.
Buzz - oct is base 8, dec is base 10 (eg normal)
31 in base 8 = 25 in base 10 (3x8+1)
A. Top posters.
Q. What is the most annoying thing on Usenet?
DoH!
I should have got that
Q What does a physicist* use for contraception?
A His personality
* or substitute mathematician/engineer/mountain biker
/* Halley */
(Halley's comment.)
Intellectual toilet humour? Constipated mathematician:- works out his logs with a pencil.
Boom tish
Ian
Echo and the Bunnymen
"and the Bunnymen"
[img] 
[/img]
what do adders multiply on?
Log tables
A man walks into an optician's.
"Doctor", he says (for they are all much of a muchness), "I'm having real trouble using my computer. Unless I'm looking right at my keyboard, mouse or printer, I just can't see any of them."
"Ah", said the optician, "I know what's the matter here. You've got a problem with your peripheral vision."
f(x) = 6x + 3 walks into a bar.
"got any sandwiches," he asks the barman.
"sorry," the barman replies, "we dont cater for functions"
I've just worked out why eyes are called the Windows to the Soul.
It's because you have to shut them down every few seconds or they stop working properly.
Wanted
£20,000 reward.
Schroedinger's Cat.
Dead or Alive.
Oh, I likes that. (-:
The minus sign turned down the job: he wouldn't commute. [lame effort, sorry]
Can't find an Adobe Acrobat document? The Government has a handy PDF File register.
Pessimists say that glasses are half empty
Optimists say that glasses are half full
Optometrists say that the second pair are half price
Why are compilers female?
One missing period and all hell breaks loose.
Whats the hardest thing about being a Darksider?
Telling your Parents you are Gay
Re: Glass half full,
An engineer would say the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
There are two groups of people, those who believe people can classed into groups and those who don't.
some great stuff there chaps - keep 'em coming.
Genuine LOL from me
doesn't take much then, TJ?
Q: What's the difference between a mathematician and an experimentalist?
A: A mathematician thinks that two points are enough to define a straight line while an experimentalist wants more data.
Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
There is a sign in Munich that says, "Heisenberg might have slept here."
Guy gets on a transatlantic flight and by chance gets to sit next to a really hot chick. They get talking and end up drinking a whole bottle of brandy together. Later on they have a snog and a cuddle etc under their travel blankets.
Next day, bloke tells his mate about the encounter and their high consumption of alcohol.
Mate asks; "You lucky baxxard! Any signs of deep vein thrombosis?"
Bloke says; "No, I didn't give her one"
(p.s. this is a true story - really!)
I was walking through the cemetary and saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning..". He said, "No. Taking a shit."
Does a radioactive cat have 18 half-lives?
Whistler sues Ruskin for libel - did he insult his Mother?
Ok then:
q: Who led the pedants revolt?
a: Which tyler...
and:
Italians: Slanty little eyes...
oh sorry, that should have read "Italics"
binary eh, it's as easy as 1, 10, 11
011001000111011001
1
😆 😆 😆
Q. How do you know if an engineer (substitute other geeksters here as required) is an extrovert?
A. When he speaks to you he/she will be looking at your shoes.
Why did Karl Marx* drink camomile tea?
Because all property is theft.....
(*Pierre-Joseph Proudhon originally).
Did you hear about the scarecrow that won a Nobel Prize?
He was out standing in his field
Ostrich eggs are that big you only get 3 to the dozen
Watched a football match from the stroke victims league today- never seen such a one sided game
What would circles look like if pi was exactly 3?
Heisenberg and Shrodinger are driving down the road when they run over a cat. Shrodinger asks, "Is it dead?" Hesineberg replies, "I can't be certain."
Q what happened to consteipated maths teacher
A he worked it out will a pencil
Ooh, ooh,
If you take a pizza of radius 'z' and depth 'a', its volume can be calculated as pi.z.z.a
There are 10 types of people in the world - those who undersand ternary, those who don't, and those who mistake it for binary.
How about some visual intellectual humour?
Hours to be wasted on xkcd - here's one to start:
http://xkcd.com/747/
Paul
Einstein was awfully bright
And he worked on the theory of light
He went out one day
And in a relative way
Got home the previous night
There are 10 types of people in the world - those who undersand ternary, those who don't, and those who mistake it for binary.
now that is good
🙂 thanks, I like it......