I'm struggling with this a bit, it can come out many forms of my life at times, usually due to frustration with the output usually being verbal and I'm scared it'll become physical at some point.
Has anyone found a way, strategies, books etc that can help them deal with difficult/frustrating moments?
Counting to 10 is great but I'm the heat of the moment not always at the top of my mind as it should be, learning to handle and stop it as it's building is key I feel.
Any tips would be greatly welcomed.
I'm nowhere near that level, but something I got from somewhere is to stop being so optimistic.
Expect that a few things will go wrong or someone will make a mistake. So when it happens it's not like an instant whack that sets you off, it's something you kinda expected and you can just say "oh FFS" and carry on.
What you need to think about is how f#kcing awful you will feel, forever, if your anger spills over into violence.
My coping strategy? walk away. De-escalate and walk away.
Even in the middle of an argument, even if you haven't made your point, even if you haven't defended yourself against false accusations or whatever it is.
The second you realise what's happening - WALK AWAY, calm down somewhere else and then apologise.
Has anyone found a way, strategies, books etc that can help them deal with difficult/frustrating moments?
Impulse control has come up in a few podcasts I listened to, a cause or point related to a few different things. Lead to a book called 'Thinking Fast and Slow' which I'm finding interesting - basically helps understanding of how thought processes work and the difference between impulse/reactionary thinking and rational thinking.
I suspect part of impulse control success is learning or developing habits away from the most risky impulses so that when that moment comes up, the habit or thought path is already there.
Also heard it suggested that impulse control learned easily eg by resisting the urge to pick up a phone to check SM every 10 mins also develops control over many other areas - it's the same brain programming.
Mindfulness works well for me. I used to meditate daily, but don't feel the need to any longer.
Mindfulness separates me from my thoughts. Being able to step outside them means that I can consider my reactions and practice self compassion. Self compassion leads to being compassionate with others.
If we're talking anger, I would suggest you take a look at why anger. It's mostly thought of as a bad emotion, but emotions are emotions: neither good nor bad. Anger is your self protection kicking in: it's alarm bells to maintain your boundaries. 'The language of emotions' is a good reference book. Sounds to me there's also an element of self-regulation in what you describe to go with the alarm bells of anger. As a self-help techniques then yes meditation can be extremely beneficial and it might also be worth taking a look at grounding practices including breath techniques. Some further books that come to mind: Ground Brad Stulberg, Breath James Nestor, Men's Work: Connor Beaton. I would also suggest that it sounds like a professional coach/ therapist would be useful to help you explore this all.
emotions are emotions: neither good nor bad.
I'd even go a step further.
Emotions have two components, our level of psychological arousal and the narrative that we're giving ourselves about that level of arousal.
Low arousal and a kind narrative = "chilled out" etc
Low arousal and a critical narrative = "bored" or "lazy" etc
High arousal and a kind narrative = "excited" etc
High arousal and a critical narrative = "scared" or "stressed" etc
Then there's our beliefs about locus of control. If we believe that we're stressed and it's someone else's fault then we're likely to blame them and become angry.
Breaking things down like this and naming them can be helpful.
Thanks for this, it's difficult to know where to start sometimes, I have a copy of thinking fast or slow I've been meaning to read for sometime, I'll take a look at the others suggested too! Many thanks