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I did manage a walk yesterday, but only on the flat as any inclines bring a bit too much discomfort.
Finding myself pondering the thought of packing in the new job and moving to something a bit more simple that might suit me.
Good to get that walk in. Keep it up with the walks, little and often 👍
I moved from IT to become a Joiner. You might not choose to make such a drastic change but sorting that job out sounds like a good move
I want to make it work, but I just don't think I'm good enough. I don't know what else to do.
Doing a lot of soul searching and not getting anything.
Nothing wrong with making a change now, leaving or finding another role/set of responsibilities In the same company. You can always go back to it later (another company or whatever) when you're head is in a better place.
Finding myself pondering the thought of packing in the new job and moving to something a bit more simple that might suit me.
Simplifying your life can make a big difference to your outlook and mental health.
And also stop doing things you don't really enjoy - I no longer go to events* just because I should and we don't socialise with people who weren't real friends and we just used to pass time with. These were mainly parents of children my daughter used to be friends with at school. We just asked 'why are we having X round again?'.
(*family events too, especially those! 🙂 )
The thing is, there a few things I know I really love. Bikes, photography, gaming etc, but I feel like I'm sh1t at them. Actually, I don't feel, I know. Constantly comparing to others. I know it's the thief of joy, but it seems ingrained in me. I kinda know why, I never received any praise. I ended up making my own mind up about the things I do.
My life is more simple the older I've got. I don't drink, I socialise less, and I do know what I like. But I'm still massively unhappy.
For example, I have a new motorbike arriving tomorrow. And I couldn't be less excited about it. I stress about everything. Have I made the wrong decision? Have I spent the money when I shouldn't have? Will people judge my bike and me? Will I get out of it what I want? You can see a trend. And it consumes every bit of my life.
I know it's the thief of joy, but it seems ingrained in me. I kinda know why, I never received any praise.
Same here - I've had a passing interest in model making since I was a kid and occasionally look at the Airfix thread on here - then think I'll never be as good as that, or as good as I want to be, so don't bother with it. And then having to store the models would annoy me (and the wife!) as well! 🙂
And we're not American - most Brits, especially blokes rarely give praise. I think it's because we're also not very good at accepting it so don't feel comfortable dishing it out.
Have I made the wrong decision? Have I spent the money when I shouldn't have? Will people judge my bike and me? Will I get out of it what I want?
This is just normal for a lot of people (well it is to me) - it takes me ages to decide on a big purchase. And a lot of the thrill is in the research. Once it's arrived it soon becomes part of the furniture. I've calmed my purchasing no end though - when I cycled I had a revolving door of bikes coming in and out of the shed.
And as long as you don't go down Matlock Bath on a weekend who's going to judge your motorbike choice? 🙂
The thing is, there a few things I know I really love. Bikes, photography, gaming etc, but I feel like I'm sh1t at them.
This sounds like there maybe something underlying that some form of counselling or talking therapy might help you to understand (when the referral through your GP finally makes it's way through the system ...)
But, pending that, try to see those hobbies and interests as being of value to YOU in their own right.
I love riding - but am a very average rider (in terms of fitness and endurance, as well as technical ability ... and when it comes to jumping, I'm hopeless), but mostly, I ride just for the 'being out there's aspect. I enjoy the tech and more challenging/fun rides, but also the pootles and mooches, where there is no need to compare yourself to others.
And, photography! I'd not describe it as a hobby or something I'm good at, but do enjoy taking riding photos and sharing on here (the weekend / midweek riding picture threads), so just try doing that; mostly, people just seem to enjoy seeing pics of where other people have been riding.
Start a social activity - something you've thought 'I'll have a go at that one day'. But not a variation of something you already do and something done as a group/team.
Some people (like me) just can't do this.
Re the gym - it can be miserable, but I have an app that tells me exactly what to do so I don't have to 'get into' it, and I listen to a podcast. A lot of podcasts are a bit **** but some are good.
The problem is that when you're depressed, hobbies just seem rubbish. It's one of the symptoms.
Do you have ADHD?
What motorcycle....I know...It's not about the bike, but always nice to try something new and especially to get out for a ride, whatever kind of bike. Don't worry about the other hobbies skill level, there will always be someone faster/betterer etc, just do your thing.
I didn't get out on MB whole BH weekend, Except for a few miles last night to see some water, tide was coming in 🙂 even little wins are wins, plus it's less wearing than pushing the MTB up hills;)
My local bike meet is tonight, only down the road, albeit a few miles from you, you'll have a local one, always worth a coffee stop and walk round looking at bikes:) I am new to it and do get out sometimes, but biking is biking.
Do you have ADHD?
No idea. I'm sure I exhibit a few of the symptoms.
What motorcycle
It's a Yamaha Tracer 9.
I've woke up this morning just completely out of energy. I feel exhausted despite doing nothing. Going to book another appointment with the GP.
I know...It's not about the bike
It can be. A good bike, car, musical instrument, tool etc is a wonderful thing, and using it can be a joy.
I feel exhausted despite doing nothing.
This can be a symptom of being neurodivergent - you struggle in a world that's not built for you and it's exhausting.
The thing is, there a few things I know I really love. Bikes, photography, gaming etc, but I feel like I'm sh1t at them.
Why do you need to be good at them to enjoy them ? I'm average on a bike, but i love being outdoors. I'm not setting any records or getting any KOMs but who cares.
I've seen you ride a motorbike and you were not shit 🙂 You were perfectly competent.
Why do you need to be good at them to enjoy them ?
I guess I need to show people I'm good at something, and myself. But you're absolutely right, I should only be doing these things for myself.
I've seen you ride a motorbike and you were not shit
You were perfectly competent.
Appreciate the comment.
So I think I've identified a serious issue that I've not really talked about it, but it's something that is probably doing some real harm. My diet. It's really bad. I eat multiple times my daily RDA of sugar every day, usually in the form of chocolate. I don't remember the last day I went without eating it. I also comfort eat a huge amount. I've put on weight in the last year and I'm pretty sure I'm not far off a serious health issue.
Is there any steps I can take to help turn that around?
Can you replace chocolate with something else? Fruit and yoghurt maybe?
In principle, yes. But every time, I go for chocolate, or biscuits, or something with sugar.
I've been trying to think of stuff to say on this thread but really struggling to find the words - probably because I am struggling a bit right now 🙂
Counseling - go private if you can - its quicker, you get to choose your counselor and you get as much as you think you need. I have the name of the counselor I used. She was damn good. PM me for details
For a while my mantra was " one day at a time, one step at a time and I will get somewhere" It doesn't really matter where 🙂
Daft as it seems one thing that really helped me was making positive statements out loud. Feels daft to do it but it really does seem to reset your thinking. Look in the mirror and say it " I can do this job" "I'm good at this" or whatever you are struggling with. Takes a few weeks but it works. Doing this took me from traumatic flashbacks to pride and from sadness at a future gone to happiness at past acheivements
Break things down into small steps and then each step does not seem so insurmountable. a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step
Good luck
Chocolate is a true evil. I know that one well. It’s properly addictive, reckon it’ll do me in eventually. “Oh I feel down/tired/bored, I’ll have a coffee and see what I can raid from the cupboard.” Not found the solution yet, though the current price might stem the flow a bit. I’m intrigued by some of the weight loss drugs as they potentially break the sugar-reward cycle.
How is your sales team structured? A very long time ago we recognised that the people cable of demoing our stupendously intricate software were exactly the sort of person you wouldn’t buy anything from. So we have slimey sales bod who does the negotiation and geeky technical dude who does the showing off.
I'm useless at both of these things as I'm too honest and will happily point out the flaws, bugs and deficiencies rather than show the good bits. “Don’t click here you get this dialogue box that you can’t close” <cue sales bod burying their head in their hands>.
Instead I work in professional services, doing the integration and deployment side of things, along with designing stuff in glorious detail to meet the customer’s needs. I still point out the flaws, but it’s to technical people who generally accept that there will be bugs and are far more receptive to an honest vendor.
As others have said, your employer has retained you beyond your probationary period. This should be a great boost to you, but I know from my own experience, the internal doubt can set in. TJ’s words are very wise. I saw a councillor for a few weeks when I had a crap time at work due to stress and it really helped, along with advice from here (though both just affirmed what I was thinking: boss was a w@nker, employer had been hijacked by a Trump character and I should get out). was quite funny as the councillor was part of the company’s employee assistance programme. 🤦🏻♂️
I feel exhausted despite doing nothing.
I saw this bit and wanted to share something that's helped me a bit.
It's the fact that this is a really common symptom of grief. It's exhausting- mentally, physically, emotionally, sleep routine
It may appear on the outside that you're doing nothing, but grieving a loved one can take a lot of internal processing. It's very common and absolutely normal. Can last month's or more.
Don't beat yourself up over this.
Be kind to yourself, please Google it and you'll find so many references to this happening from all the big charities, Marie curie, mind, NHS, etc.
You'll recognise it in yourself and it might help. I think the big takeaway from it is be kind to yourself, try to prioritise self care, and start with sleep routine if possible.
Might be worth having a test for Testosterone deficiency
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/male-menopause/
Thanks for all the replies. I have a telephone consultation on Tuesday. Will see how that goes.
I know underneath I'm still grieving.
How is your sales team structured?
Well, I'm in technical sales so I basically have to cover the technical and commercial side. I hate the commercial side, getting new business etc. I'm much more comfortable doing the technical side, although I still don't think I'm good. I am getting support from them. I'm in that phase of trying to grow my area and establish myself.
a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step
I'm trying to tell myself that. I mean, I've hurt my back AGAIN, and getting back on the bike is just so difficult right now. I wish I could stay injury free for a few months, but I just can't seem too.
That single step may be a very small thing indeed. However you have taken one - by posting on here 🙂
Grief: I knew intellectually how much it effects people but until I was grieving I did not understand in my heart. Looking back now 4 years on its almost unbelievable how poorly I was functioning in the early stages. Even now I am still effected although I am far better functioning than I was.
Everyones grief is their own. There is no right and wrong to it, there is just what you are experiencing.
I can't help with the big issues, but best of luck with them.
Chocolate,years ago I decided to give it up, only eat decent stuff. There were slight withdrawal symptoms of craving it but I replaced it with better chocolate. At the time hotel chocolate did single origin bars, one square was enough andi felt satisfied. After a few weeks I went back and tried a bar of dairymilk (pre take over) and it was sticky, greasy not a nice experience. *
Rather than substituting cheap chocolate with something healthy and good, can you try decent quality chocolate as a halfway house.
* I since fell off the wagon, cheap chocolate is still consumed but I much prefer the good stuff.
PM sent
I've hurt my back AGAIN
You likely need some flexibility and strength exercises. As I age and sit at a desk longer I am realising how absolutely vital this is. Don't take your physical condition for granted.
Don't take your physical condition for granted.
I never have. I'm just broken and never really recovered from slipping my disc in 2018. I've got a hernia that needs seeing too amongst other health issues.
I had my first counseling session yesterday which was very difficult. Struggled to speak in any coherent way.
I had my first counseling session yesterday which was very difficult. Struggled to speak in any coherent way.
Another step on the road
In counseling IMO the key thing is the relationship between the two people. A good counselor should be able to gently draw you out but this can take a bit of time before you feel comfortable. Try to be as open and honest as you can and remember they are not judging you. It can feel quite intrusive but I am a big fan.
I think it's because I've been through this before and nothing changed. I'm so unbelievably negative.
I have some homework to do between the first session and the next one.
Do the "say something positive out loud" thing. Its weird but it helps reset your thinking
Do the "say something positive out loud" thing. Its weird but it helps reset your thinking
Interesting. Just did a bit of googling on why this can be helpful after your suggestion.👍
(Apologies for thread hijack.)
"say something positive" is really weird but it certainly worked for me.. Placebo effect? who knows. All I care about is it worked. It takes a while and you have to keep on doing it.
After Mrs TJ died I was getting a full blown trauma response with flashbacks. Every time I got a flashback I would say out loud " I am proud of what I did" and over the space of a couple of months slowly my emotions changed from pain to pride when those flashbacks came. The other was that I would feel huge pain at the thought of never doing something with her again. Every time that happened I said " we had a great time doing that thing" Again it reset my thinking to take joy from the past rather than pain from the future.
for the OP I am sure you can adapt that to your situation. Whatever negative emotions you are feeling state out loud a positive counter ie you feel you are not coping at sales. Before you leave the house say out loud " I am a good salesman, I can do this" or something similar. It feels effing weird to do but for me anyway it really helped. It has to be worth a try
I had my first counseling session yesterday which was very difficult. Struggled to speak in any coherent way.
I don't know anyone who hasn't cried or not been able to speak during their first session, you are only human and it's also a relief and a release.
Well done for getting help, it's a huge step but you've taken it.
I had my first counseling session yesterday which was very difficult. Struggled to speak in any coherent way.
I do not think there is anything strange in this; the first session of KBT I had after my breakdown last year was effectively this. I think maybe the second one as well.
It takes time and a good relationship. My journey has taken a year+ and I am now feeling like I am out of the hole, so bear with it. This too will pass.
Just some ramblings. Not much improvement. I had a very busy week in work last week.
I think I've been developing some kind of nervous twitch, or tik. When I start getting anxious it comes on, but not all the time.
I was away this weekend on a social weekend in the Yorkshire Dales. Fairly large group split over two nice countryside barns. I found it fine with less noise and a smaller crowd, but I got pretty uncomfortable when things got noisy and too many people around.
Got my second counseling session on Tuesday.
I did a test ride on my gravel bike last weekend to see how my back would hold up. Didn't go well, it was tight and I started cramping in my hamstrings after an hour.
Sounds like an incredibly positive week to me.
I'm always getting depressed and fed up with thoughts in my mind, the possible final option is always there ....lurking.
However, its a constant thought and will probably never go away.
So, things I do is and have always been saviour. Just riding my bike and it's not having to be going down hill dafty. Field archery has been great, not so much club politics. Not in a club anymore. Now that was depressing and that was 10 years ago and still haunts.
And....Art. Grab a pen/pencil and some paper and just let it out. Better than the phone and the constant depressing Bullshit that it keeps offering up.
I'm into creature design at the moment and it's really absorbing.
Get drawing it really helps.
Display or burn your work, up to you. And remember thier is no such thing as a bad drawing.
Good luck dude, we are all in the the same boat... or very near it.
Circumstances caN change so quick, hopefully for the better.
Can't think of anything worse. I am very weak, which is another issue - constant pulling of muscles, pretty much on a weekly basis.I've started swinging a couple of kettlebells around this year. Following some of the basic/simpler compound movements shown on youtube. If you've got an outside space it's quite nice to do in the sunshine, or even under the stars. Not heavy weights but out there for 45-60 minutes, taking it steady. I also have a few niggling joint/spine/muscular issues, so the thought of going to an actual gym, or lifting actual weights is not on the cards. At all. Ever.
I even spotted a guy in one of our local parks with a couple of smaller ones. Stood watching the birds in one of the lakes/wetlands while swinging them round.
Just stood on the footpath near here.
Sounds like an incredibly positive week to me.
Definitely wasn't, from my perspective.
Yesterday, and into today, I have felt very very low, to the point where I left work early yesterday to simply get away. I didn't want to come home, maybe just keep driving and see where I ended up, without and end goal.
Ah mate, that sounds rough. Don't beat yourself up about the gravel bike back pain... if you've been off the bike for a while that's bound to happen. Believe it or not an hour is quite a long time to be out and about for most people, ease yourself back into it and give yourself a break.
If you ever find yourself in Manchester and want to grab a coffee and a chat drop me a message and i'll mosey on in
Thanks Scaled. I feel like I need time off work, it's overloading me at the moment, but I don't feel like it would go down well and I can't fully confide in my boss just yet. I had a bit of a safety net in my last job as one or two colleagues where very helpful towards me. It's been a long time since I've wanted to not work.
I've also binged on chocolate today making myself feel sick in the process.
Things aren't going well. I keep waking up feeling so down and out. I keep trying to just go about my day but underneath I'm hanging on by a thread. Maybe I need to stop for a while, step away from everything for a bit.
Apologies for not following closely recently, but I'd speak to your GP first... and only after that your boss. But if you already know you need to step back to try and cope, get signed off pronto.
I don't want to let anyone down, I'm scared to go back to the GP and potentially get signed off.
Look after yourself. Talk to your GP.
[ I am also a typical man and avoid the GP though fear of outcomes ... but we all need to get over that somehow ]