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Firstly, apologies for the title. Not sure what else to put. Been mulling over if I should make another topic, I've made a few over the years. But, I've nobody else to really turn too.
I'll not go into my past. Years of anxiety that's left me feeling pretty crap at 42. My dad passed away just before Christmas after a battle with cancer. It was a horrible time. It still is. I've not dealt with it at all. Bottled up and hope for the best. I had accepted a new job in November which I started in January, and I was just trying to make that work as best I could without thinking about the mess left at home. My mum is in a home with dementia. My dad visited every other day. Now she gets visited by friends and some family. I can't as I live here and she is back home in Belfast. Without updates from my dad I've become completely disconnected from her now. I can't really deal with it in my head, so I just try to get on with things.
My new job started well. It's a small company involved in automation. Now after 6 months in the job I'm really struggling. I'm in technical sales, and it's very much in the sales phase as I build our customers back up. But I'm crap at it. Fine with the technical, but crap at sales. My new boss is putting on the pressure, which is fine, he has every right too, but with my lack of confidence and belief, I'm really doubting every task I do. I don't want my personal issues to get in the way of my job, I don't want to let anyone down.
Hobbies have taken a back seat. I bought a new gravel bike last year and a new Atherton frame a few months ago. I do ride, but just local and not far. My fitness is rubbish and I struggle with people, simply because I'm usually struggling underneath and feel a bit vulnerable.
I've reached out for help with my GP. I'm on a waiting list for counselling. It's a 6 month waiting list. I was prescribed Setraline back in May, my first meds in over 10 years or so, but I don't feel much different other than a few odd side effects.
Anyway, I'm sure I have missed stuff. This is more of a vent more than anything else.
My dad would have been 70 tomorrow.
Sorry to hear of your situation and the passing of your dad. Good to vent on here though if you can't vent to someone face to face. You have done the right thing in getting in touch with your GP. Re the waiting list - if you can't wait 6 months, can you self-fund and seek private treatment if you need it now? Or is there an employer health scheme you can use?
Bikes will help - keep at it and maybe try some new places, even if solo. The atherton sounds like it will be an awesome bike. Can you get that built and get out on it?
I need to look into the self funding side. It's a bit of minefield out there.
The Atherton is built and I've been riding it, but just on local trails. I've not been to other trails in months, just feel safe going to what I know and what isn't too technical right now.
It can be a minefield. I would ask your GP who they would recommend, so you are only approaching trusted local providers, not randomly trawling through many other options out there.
Nothing wrong with local! I hope the atherton is good and you are still getting a buzz out of riding it.
I bought a new gravel bike last year and a new Atherton frame a few months ago. I do ride, but just local and not far. My fitness is rubbish and I struggle with people, simply because I'm usually struggling underneath and feel a bit vulnerable.
I would try a completely new hobby. Doesn't have to be physical - just something that feels fresh and gives you a lift. The early years of any new hobby can be absorbing and give you a new focus.
There's nothing worse for making you feel shit than doing a hobby badly that you know you can do well. You just return more deflated than when you set out.
My new job started well. It's a small company involved in automation. Now after 6 months in the job I'm really struggling. I'm in technical sales, and it's very much in the sales phase as I build our customers back up. But I'm crap at it. Fine with the technical, but crap at sales. My new boss is putting on the pressure, which is fine, he has every right too, but with my lack of confidence and belief, I'm really doubting every task I do. I don't want my personal issues to get in the way of my job, I don't want to let anyone down.
I'm afraid I can't offer much guidance on much of what you have talked about ... I'm sure there will be people in a far stronger position to offer guidance on that than I can.
However, on your work piece. You're only 6 months into the job and it's been a massively challenging time for you. The implication from what you have written is that your boss recognises you're still finding your feet (maybe appreciating your personal challenges if aware) but is now expecting you to start performing. As you say, fair enough, he has every right to.
YOU ARE NOT AS BAD AT YOUR JOB AS YOU THINK YOU ARE
I've never met you so how do I know that? You are the same person you were 7/8 months ago when you applied for the job, were interviewed and were offered the job. You knew you were capable of doing the job to apply for it, and those interviewing believed you had the skills to succeed. They didn't have to pick you but did. Why?
Create a list of all of the reasons you felt you had the skills to have applied for the job in the first place, and the reasons the company would have offered you the job. That's the foundation that nobody can take away from you - that's your core strength.
After that, create a list of the elements of the job that you need to work on. Every new job should be a stretch, that's progression. Consider how you work on the 'Even better if...' list. Talk those through with your boss and create a plan of development. Is there training to be had? Is it mentoring/coaching with other people? Is it just case of recognising you need to try a bit harder and face into the personal elements that impacting that? Sales is very much self belief so undoubtedly it will be affected by your personal issues. However, it isn't your core strength so isn't specifically why you got the job but is a skill that you can and will develop.
But own your core strength, why they employed you. Remember, people go and don't go to see Paul McCartney based on his No. 1 songs in the last thirty years, it's because he continues to do what he does very well. He plays to his core strength. Recognise yours and own it.
Has your GP reviewed meds? If not then ask, those meds should be effective in about 6 weeks - if still struggling may need dose tweaked or change of med.
Well done shouting out here, plenty people to support.
Even act of getting out local is good for happy hormones - small steps and start building up.
Tell us roughly where you are. Someone on here will ride with you. It's not going to fix your troubles but I bet you'll forget them for a little while and that's worth one hell of a lot.
YOU ARE NOT AS BAD AT YOUR JOB AS YOU THINK YOU ARE
I might be. I've been doing technical sales for over 20 years, but never been good at the proactive sales stuff, although it has got me by. There's more to it, but I'm not sure this is where I'll get to the bottom of it. My processes are poor in places, some of which you've mentioned above. My boss is aware of my situation.
Has your GP reviewed meds?
I need to get another appointment.
I would try a completely new hobby
I have others, such as photography, but the same confidence and motivation issues exist there too.
OP, sorry to hear about all you're going through. My dad died late last year; it really knocked me back, and it's only in the last month or two that I feel I've understood that.
but with my lack of confidence and belief, I'm really doubting every task I do
This also strikes a chord - when your confidence is low everything's much tougher, even making conversation with friends and family, let alone cold-calling and sales.
Talking about it is a good start though, even just putting it into words, whether that's in a conversation or on a forum.
Do you have other family, btw?
Do your other family members help with your Mum? So you might feel disconnected from her, but at least you know she's seeing family?
IMHO if it comes to priorities the most important thing you need to do is get yourself OK. Doesn't have to be "great", but OK and functioning alright. It feels awful to let others down, and it's far from easy to prioritise like that, but you have to.
And some of this may be delayed from last year, and taking on so much to help support everyone - it takes its toll after a while, and sometimes you just need to stop and breathe and get your head back again
Sorry to hear this, it’s a familiar situation to me.
Trying to get mental health support through the NHS is awfully slow, 6 months and counting for me. Having finished work due to my mental health I can no longer get private counselling unless I pay for it. They are no longer interested now I am not their problem.
Speak to your GP about the medication, there is no one for all medication. Try to socialise as hard as it can be, find one hobby you can take interesting in.
Hope start to recover soon.
I can only say stay strong whatever the situation may be.
In addition to your concern for your mother your technical sales is also adding burden to you. (done sales before and it can be a highly pressurised job)
You can only control the situation where you have control, beyond that there is nothing much you can do other than prioritising the best outcome for your current situation.
It can take time but just stay strong. Not easy and it can be very painful but just do it.
Don't have a lot to offer right now other than to say you are far from the only one suffering, so don't fear sharing with others...
Things have got so badly on top of me recently that I tried to take my own life on my 45th birthday just 3 weeks ago... I have since been prescribed Escitalopram, which is suppressing the suicidal thoughts (but is also suppressing any remaining motivation or drive I had for anything else too). Been in counselling for months already, and though it has been helping, a bad week can feel overwhelming and when you're only seeing your counsellor once a fortnight the possibility is there to go into a really dark place...
The only positive I've had recently is I've actually been riding a bike more than I was... 3 times a week the last few weeks in succession. It's literally the only thing that has brought a smile to my face in months!
Do your other family members help with your Mum?
Yes they do. Well, they visit. My mum is non-communicative and bed bound and has been for almost 2 years now. But my dad was my safety blanket for her. He would come with me when I went home and visited. I can't do it by myself, it's too difficult. I have extended family who visit her. But it's just so hard to believe it all, even after all these years.
Things have got so badly on top of me recently that I tried to take my own life on my 45th birthday just 3 weeks ago...
I'm really sorry to hear that @mboy. I hope you continue to get help. I've never attempted to take my own life, but thought about it many times.
Lot’s of great advice here. Revisit your GP to see if there are other meds - they can really help dealing with the lows. For counselling, you may be able to find a local network for trainees rather than waiting for an NHS referral. Likewise, self-help books and any talking therapy can help you find a way through. I found exercise really helpful for my mental health - just having a routine and a reason for getting out plus the endorphin boost. Finally, sorry if I missed this but I presume you’ve talked it through with your partner?
Wow guys - I wish I had something clever to say; those are dark places indeed
Please take care of yourselves, however you can. Personally I'd imagine it'd be good to fill "free" time with something constructive (biking obvz, volunteering (at least you're helping someone even if it can't directly be your mum), learning something new, SEE YOUR MATES (or find some if you currently have none nearby). Just don't allow yourself to sit and stew)
In doubt suicide was ever a good answer for anyone (including the loved-ones and mates they leave behind, wondering "what if"), even if it feels like the obvious one sometimes
I'm ****ing miiiiles from Congleton (and I think mboy's in the midlands, which is only bloody miles away) but if it was going to help, I'd happily turn up for a bike ride, drink (though alcohol's also a poor answer), bike-fettling session, whatever and I bet loads of us would
See if your job offers medical insurance. I got cover for our whole family for the price of a session and a half a month, so I could get appointments for my daughter.
Finally, sorry if I missed this but I presume you’ve talked it through with your partner?
A little. I find it difficult to talk to her about it.
SEE YOUR MATES (or find some if you currently have none nearby). Just don't allow yourself to sit and stew)
Don't have any of those. It's lonely in my 40's.
See if your job offers medical insurance
I'm being added to the policy next month I believe. Just finished my 6 month probation.
Don't have any of those. It's lonely in my 40's.
Hence why I mentioned trying something completely new.
You say you do cycling and photography. I get the impression you do both solo so they give you far too much thinking time and we always dwell on negatives.
Start a social activity - something you've thought 'I'll have a go at that one day'. But not a variation of something you already do and something done as a group/team.
After I packed in cycling I'd dropped into a moping about the house phase for a few years. Nothing compared to what you are going through, but I was drifting aimlessly.
I was always a solo person but I took up bowls a couple of years ago and it's been bloody great. Gets me out the house for hours on end and an incredibly social, competitive if you want it to be, activity. I've made more friends in 2 years than the previous 10.
Sandwich Jr is a long Covid Sufferer. He joined a local choir which has helped with a new skill. See if there's a Busketeers Group in your area. Most recent thing he did with them was a recording session at Abbey Road. Group singing is marvellous for lifting the spirits.
With your mother can one of your relatives video call you at their next visit to keep you in the loop. We did this for my MIL during COVID when she was losing her grip on life due to isolation. Bear in mind you may need to summon up a stiff upper lip and make use of the mute button your end to avoid distressing her.
Good luck.
I don't have any real experience or knowledge, but didn't want to 'read and run'. Have you tried contacting charities like Mind
Some of the Cancer charities also offer Bereavement support (Macmillan have a page on it and a free-phone number).
I know there is also a Dummies Guide to CBT where you work through the stages of CBT yourself.
Just finished my 6 month probation.
Another pointer that you are not as bad at your job as you think you are. Your company could have chosen to extend your probabtionary period, or indeed not keep you on, if they felt you weren't up to the job.
They haven't which means they have faith in your abilities even if you are (perfectly understandably) not delivering to quite the level you need to at the moment.
Im a little hung over this morning so im not going to give detaoled advice. However i used a private counsellor who i find very good. Appointments done over teams. Pm me for details
I've got nothing of value to add but this thread is just an important reminder of the problems that so many are facing. So sad to read of so many contributors to this forum who are so down and even at the point of considering suicide. It's a a real reflection of how bad society is becoming.
Makes me realise how lucky I am and perhaps I shouldn't take life so seriously and just focus on enjoying it and not worrying about the things I cant control.
As i say, cant really offer any advice but if any of you are anywhere near Leamington and I can be of any help then please reach out. Indeed please make sure you reach out to someone, even if it's just on here.
Sorry to hear your story. I've been there through different circumstances. Meds essential for the short term IMO. Along with all the other great stuff above, have you considered music as a mood booster when you're feeling particularly crap? Whatever your favourite tunes are, get them on, turn them up and go for a walk/make some food/do something. I'm sure that music helped lift me (and always does) and it's amazing how many lyrics are about believing in yourself which might help your work situation, whatever route you choose for your work it will be the right one - "Have faith in the things that you do and you won't go wrong"
have you considered music as a mood booster when you're feeling particularly crap?
I do listen to music, but often avoid it because it's quite emotive. Weird, eh.
I am...
A) Not miles from Congleton
B) Happy to meet up for a ride/chat/pint
C) Not particularly fit, and technically fairly shit, so unlikely to worry your confidence levels
As for trying other stuff/meeting people etc, if you like outdoorsy stuff have you thought about helping out at a local Scout group? I know it's not for everyone but, speaking personally, the kids really raise your spirits, either laughing with, or more often at, them.
I can relate to a lot of what you've said my friend.
I'm not in a place to offer good advice at the moment but others definitely have done so, in fact I'm taking some of their comments on board too.
Anyway, I want to say that I wish you all the best in getting through this really tough time. You aren't alone and this forum is at it's best when people are struggling through some real s****.
Respect to you for posting @stcolin (that's not always easy to do in itself) and sorry to hear you're having a tough time of things. I haven't any real advice to add but hopefully some of the previous replies may help. As you can see there's always support on here for you and others in similar situations so lean on that when you need it.
Thanks again everyone. Today has been tough. Had a few messages about my dad today. We had been thinking a lot about what we would have done for his 70th.
I can relate to your dad and mum situation. It's hard losing one, and then watching the other one decline knowing that you're now the main person responsible.
Time heals. You won't always feel this way. Every 'anniversary' gets a bit easier. I thought the 10th one of my dad passing (killed in a car crash so was feeling ****ed for quite a while) a couple of weeks ago would be difficult but it wasn't tbh.
I'm pretty resilient but the best thing for me was meeting someone special. Could focus on myself for a bit.
Enjoy what you have. Make some new memories with your gf. You aren't alone.
I'm pretty resilient
I'm not. But I'm sure time does help.
Another day with good weather gone and I've elected to sit on my ass after hoping to go out on my bike. My diet is also awful, I'm comfort eating really badly this past year or so. I'm sliding down the rut.
My stock answer is from experience.
Try and ride before work, get some free endorphins, if that’s not possible, can you go to a gym and lift some weights?
I used to start with yoga stretch warm up, then do weights, nothing mental but enough to make you sweat.
I found it would really wake me up and make me alert, confident and ready for work.
Christ when I was really fucjed in the head I even ran a bit which I hate, but it helped me.
As far as sales are concerned, can you ask for a mentor, there shouldn’t be any secrets to how it’s done, it should be a structured path, not smoke and mirrors.
Diet- I’m sure you know a carby diet can leave you in a big sugar crash. Spend some time the night before making something decent- chicken, quinoa, salad humous. I love that stuff anyway so it helps. Cheap Bread also turns my brain to mush for some reason.
I would second what others have said about finding something to occupy your mind that might be available locally. Having retired, and having lost my partner getting on for five years ago, and also having stopped riding around ten years ago after damaging my knee, I wanted something to occupy my mind, and get me out of the house.
When I was at school, I did some archery, which I really enjoyed, but after leaving school, life generally got in the way, so I decided to find out if there was a local club; there is and it happened that they were offering a couple of beginners courses, which I signed up to.
That resulted in me joining the club and buying my own kit, and I’m now doing it three times a week, and it really gets me to focus on that, everything else just gets blanked out, except for the local woodpecker, the deer that run across the range, stoats, hares and other wildlife that live in the surrounding woods and fields.
I’ve also got one of my bikes back out on the road, so apart from giving my mind something to focus on, it’s been good for me physically - drawing a 34lb bow repeatedly for a couple of hours, three times a week has helped, and riding a 30+lb steel hardtail with 2.3” Maxxis tyres is helping my cardio vascular system too!
At 71, apart from certain damaged joints, physically I feel better, and I’m coping with the loss of Jo much better now as well.
Good luck, and to quote a very old saying, which I have as a tattoo, “This too shall pass”.
I’d trade in the analog bikes for e-bikes.
best/ funnest thing I’ve done.
id love to get the time to join an amateur dramatics class.
in the meantime, maybe spend one hour a week at singing lessons.
that may help articulate your angst/ primal scream.
can you go to a gym and lift some weights?
Can't think of anything worse. I am very weak, which is another issue - constant pulling of muscles, pretty much on a weekly basis.
As far as sales are concerned, can you ask for a mentor, there shouldn’t be any secrets to how it’s done, it should be a structured path, not smoke and mirrors.
Might be a bit awkward, seeing I've been in sales for 20+ years, and then asking how it's done.
“This too shall pass”
I know that it does. But it ALWAYS comes back fairly quickly.
I’d trade in the analog bikes for e-bikes
Considering I've just dumped money on a new MTB frame, not right now. Maybe when my knees have completely gone I'll consider them.
I know that it does. But it ALWAYS comes back fairly quickly.
Adapt and overcome seems to be working for you so far, keep on keeping on. At some point you'll have it all worked out.
To quote the great Andretti, "if everything seems under control, you're not going fast enough" 😀
I hate Sunday nights. Years of dreading work the next day.
Not much better at the moment, in fact very much feeling sorry for myself. I put my back out again and judgeing by the symptoms and pain, it's my disc that has gone again. Can't catch a break. My hernia is also giving me more pain at the moment as I've put on a bit of weight around my belly and I think there's added pressure or something. My GP won't do anything until it's basically life threatening. So, when I try to work on strengthening my core etc, everything f#@king hurts.
Absolutely fed up.
I can't really offer much help, but know that there are people out here who will listen and do actually care.
Back pain can be very wearing over time, I can rmember being low for a few years until my disc was sorted. If you have the funds available some physio sessions (self referral or private) and referral by them to a specialist if exercise has minimal effect may be the best way to approach it.
Other than that a good session of basking in the sun today (weather in your area permitting) should boost your mood a tad. Look for the small wins and human being rather than doing is a valid state.