[Closed] I'm going to get caught out sooner or later.

fart roulette

Most fun to be had if you leave a fart in a lift.....

Also, PMSL @

"or some such [b]guff.[/b]"

Guff
Trouser trumpet
Bottom cough
One cheek sneek
Floating an air biscuit
etc. etc. etc.

You never grow out of farting, nor finding it funny

Beans beans
Good for your heart
The more you eat
The more you fart
The more you fart
The more you eat
The more you sit on the toilet seat

If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be sweet and wipe the seat.

Great thread! 😆

I heard a policewoman fart on Tuesday. 😯

Law and Order is breaking [s]wind[/s] down; Chaos will surely reign.

[img] [/img]

My post beer night farts were so bad one day in the office that the building janitor was called in to "find the dead rat in the ductwork".

I made my excuses and left...

vegan always get the blame ...often true

I had to remove myself from a pub a few weeks back such was the potency of rot that vaporised from my butt hole.

Wasn't half as embarrassing as what happened to a friend of mine many years ago.

He too had a little office all to himself, where staff would enter when they had a query or the food basket lady that would come round with rolls, etc.

Anyway, he was behaving off the back of a horrible divorce in such a way any thing went when it came to women. After a very late night with one such lady he left hers without taking a shower and went straight to work.

As he shut himself in his office the stench that began to fill the room was blamed on the previous days tuna sandwich that remained uneaten on the side. Staff came and left without so much as a remark to the fishy odour that was trapped within the room. After a few hours of this my mate needed the loo. It was then as he undid his trousers to pee, did the origin of the smell reveal itself.

He promptly made his excuses and a left for home for a very long scrub in his shower.

Sat here laughing about it now as whenever he retells me, we end up in pieces.

My Dad's secretary demanded air conditioning in her (separate) office after 3 months of his various noxious emmissions

Seen in a public lav that charges entry fee:

Here I sit, broken hearted.
Paid 20p and only farted

I tried a little fart experiment the other day

I'd just finished a bottle of Oasis (other fruit based beverages are available for the purpose of this experiment) and felt something brewing

So I unscrewed the top from the bottle & held it against my twitching sphincter

A rather loud fart rattled it's way from my chocolate spider via my boxers and work trousers into the bottle.

I quickly screwed on the lid, giggling out loud at the noise that'd just emanated from my arse, my other work colleague had witnessed the entire event and was almost wetting himself at the sight & sound of a bottled bottom burp

I left the bottle on the side near the sink for a few minutes, before checking that my experiment had worked. Having studied chemistry I knew how to smell the contents properly by wafting my hand over the now unscrewed bottle. Woah! it worked, I couldn't believe it, awesome!

So after rolling around the workshop for a good five minutes my colleague and I returned to our jobs still quietly giggling to ourselves.

The next person to enter the workshop was the gaffer!

I was busy serving a customer at the till when my colleague said to the boss that I'd been a little unwell after lunch and got him to smell his untainted bottle of Oasis, then pointed at the other bottle near the sink. You can guess what happened next can't you.... yup, the gaffer took a hearty inhale of the contents of the bottom burp bottle...

..."Woah bloody hell" he exclaimed "that's a bit wrong" whilst everyone else in the workshop was wetting themselves laughing, he still looked a bit bemused, until my colleague told him about the actual contents of the bottle.

Laugh, I've not laughed so hard in years, my sides were aching, tears were streaming down my face, god knows what the customer thought though...

Thankyou for your tale, i'm having a chortle at it myself.

Here I sit, broken hearted.
Paid 20p and only farted

😆

This truly brings joy to the World.

Adults to the forum please. The 7 years olds are getting unruly 🙂

I had to sleep in the spare room last night due to the revolting stench I was producing every 5 minutes, my wife was not happy at all. Ive had to wash the sleepingbag today (i was banned from duvets). You know its bad when your own trouble you.
Me and my 5 brothers used to jar our farts and label them like wine bottles. They were used to unscrew and shove in each others faces, usually when you had just woken up. I found one about 15 years later, Chateau S*** 1984 vintage, I nearly passed out assuming it would be harmless.

Seen in a public lav that charges entry fee:
Here I sit, broken hearted.
Paid 20p and only farted

Older than time itself that one.

I do it in my mates lunchbox!

Few years ago, I worked in an office which was next door to the Gents' loos.

One night, the guy I worked with came round to mine for a few beers and a movie (in a manly heterosexual sort of way), and I made a pile of fajitas.

The next day at work, we were both auditioning for the British Olympic Synchronised Deflating Team. Just as one ale-and-Mexican-food fuelled boff had finally dissipated, the other one of us would turn the air brown all over again. And they were proper pungent, all thick and chewy. The sort of farts that if they came out any hotter you'd have to go and check for accidental slippage.

Obviously after a while, people coming in our office started to notice. By lunchtime, people walking -past- the office were going "jesus, what's that?!"

The onion, garlic and chilli based poison cloud spread to adjacent offices. People were coming from further and further away to try and trace the source of the smell.

By now though, we'd perfected the perfect cover story. We simply indicated the toilets next door, "yeah, it's really bad isn't it, must be coming from through there." To be fair, by this point it probably wasn't wholly inaccurate a claim as I suspect we'd been in pebbledashing the traps by then.

Then the maintenance man turned up. He spent ages unplumbing and (surprisingly) couldn't find a problem.

Apparently, they then got in Dynarod or something similar, to take it all to bits. Dunno how much that cost for an out of hours call, but they must've been worth it because the problem had gone by morning...

If you have a decent controllable guff awaiting delivery, take a stroll around the office and emit it over as large an area as possible and see if you can get away without getting caught.

This sport is called crop-dusting.

And they were proper pungent, [b]all thick and chewy[/b]

What a beautiful description. This amuses me immensely, which is all that matters, in my book. 🙂

emit it over as large an area as possible and see if you can get away without getting caught.

This sport is called crop-dusting.

I had to employ this tactic whilst browsing an exhibition of the works of the painter Ingres, in the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York, some years ago. Fortunately, there was a party of elderly people who I utilised in order to absorbed any blame. Which was most fortuitous, as it allowed me to 'depressurise' somewhat, and not jeopardise my chances of sharing a bed that evening with the young lady I was with.

I can never remember the gaseous products of my own bowels being so utterly noxious as that. Proper eye-stinging.

dried preserved fruit does that for me. Must get a big pack of dried apricots for Friday's meeting.

An office contains it, however, when working outdoors and the guy your working with has to stop his chainsaw from 50m away and question your bowels, you have hit a certain potency that should not be unleashed in a tractor cab. Both I am proud to have achieved and lucky to have survived the latter.

Those are not my greatest though, that falls to my final exams at uni'. I had some serious farts before the exam, leave the room strength, couldn't even bask in your own vapour. The peak however came mid exam, thank god it was silent, otherwise it would have echoed around the hall. I just sat back and watched the ripple of heads rise in a wave as if I was the centre of a nuclear blast.

Fart humour still amuses me, think I may fill someones lunch box tomorrow, off to chew some garlic...

May I thank you for the most perfect idea you've given me? Now, off to bed, the missus's asleep under a duvet and a blanket and I had a lentils&beans stew for dinner 😈

my favourite tale of trouser truffing was one involving my best man.

he and his ex girlfriend were travelling through Vietnam when they stopped an eating shack. Previous visits to other eating shacks were playing havoc with both their guts, but it was his bird who dropped a grim air-bomb first as they sat at the dining table.

When the owner returned with their food he sniffed the air and promptly ran over to the shack's dog and kicked it out of the "restaurant" apologising to my friend and his girl as he went 🙂

She just coloured....

Chateau S*** 1984 vintage, I nearly passed out assuming it would be harmless.

An ex of mine used to bottle them as a kid - her brother did the same. She claimed that her brother had bottled a fine example as a ten year old, in a corked vase on her aunty's mantlepiece. She opened it 12 years later and said the stench was palpable. I never believed her until now....

Also, right at the end of my degree course, I finally ended up in a pub, sitting next to the gorgeous Finnish girl who I'd admired from afar for three years (you can already tell this isn't going to end well). She'd had a few, as had I, and the conversation had passed from flowing to flirty - she was leaning right into my space and smiling a lot.... I chose my moment and let slip a silent-but-violent.

Oh FFS, the stench was incredible - it filled our lungs like a liquid. We tried to carry on talking but the damage was done and she swiftly moved to another table. Can't say I blame her 🙁

my favourite tale of trouser truffing was one [s]involving my best man.[/s] that's bin told countless times since time of Methusala, by people everywhere.

FTFY....

thread.....of......the........year!

Excellent work chaps.

Now, who has a copy of the 'smuggling ducks' thread from some proud parent back in the day?

My 20 year old uncle was very cool and always took me (then 9) to the cinema. During smoky and the bandit 2 I let off a initially loud but later humming guff. In a stroke of instant genius, on ripping , with perfect timing as everyone looked our way, I glared in disgust at my uncle. He got the blame. After the movie some girls were giving him a hard time, when he protested and tried to explain it was me they lept to my defence. I got a good beating later, well worth it.

I work in long term residential psychiatric hospital and on monday one of the residents approached me saying the toilet was blocked. I went to the cubicle in question and was greeted by the biggest bog monster I have ever seen. It was raised nearly 3 inches above the water line and as thick as my wrist. Whoever laid it must have been hallowed out in no uncertain terms 😯

work in long term residential psychiatric hospital and on monday one of the residents approached me saying the toilet was blocked. I went to the cubicle in question and was greeted by the biggest bog monster I have ever seen. It was raised nearly 3 inches above the water line and as thick as my wrist. Whoever laid it must have been hallowed out in no uncertain terms

do you work in fleet in hampshire?

same thing happened to me when working in a long term residential psychiatric unit... we had to call dynorod out as no amount of trying to break this thing down with a stick would work!

Heh 🙂 Having to try and disguise my chuckles here at work..

I once captured a fart in the bath over water. 100% pure fart gas.

Tremendous.

100% pure fart gas.

😆

There is such a thing. Proven by Science.

1995, top floor of Waterstones in Winchester. Empty apart from me, my good mate, and a gorgeous girl behind the counter, head down reading a book. Total "empty bookshop" silence. Naturally, I couldn't miss the opportunity to punch out a high volume ripper & immediately dart quietly downstairs & out of sight, leaving my "mate" holding the can as the gorgeous female looked up to identify the uncouth perpetrator. Marvellous.

great thread btw, though I really should know better by my age

When I was s student I used to work the odd day driving for Hertz, returning cars to depots, delivering to airports, that kind of thing. I remember tearing along the road to Newcastle airport in a 3 litre Granada Ghia, taking the first bend rather fast and being surprised when it just carried on in a straight line... thank God nothing was coming the other way. The 3 litre Capris were good fun though.

Anyway I digress.... one particular day I was following the Newcastle manager, the lovely Debbie, all dolled up in her black and yellow Hertz uniform as we drove in two cars to Middlesborough to drop a car. I must have been on the McEwan's Best Scotch the night before because I dropped an absolute stinker in the car. So far so good and I was just wondering what would happen if Debbie stopped and wanted to talk to me (mobile phones hadn't even been thought of in those days) when Debbie's brake lights went on and she indicated into a layby. Bugger me! I had the windows open and was wafting the air frantically as Debbie tottered back to me on her black patent high heels to tell me she had decided to divert to an hotel and drop off some Hertz leaflets. She stuck her head in my car window and all I could do was blush and stammer, if she didn't smell anything she must have thought I was some kind of idiot. It was a great job though, being paid a tidy £0.75 an hour to drive around in fast executive cars. Speed cameras also hadn't been invented ad quite a few of the other drivers were coppers, moonlighting. Gawd knows how I never smashed anything up.

Brilliant thread. Actual 'lol' ing here.

I'm reading this thread in the hope that the trapped wind i've been getting finally comes out one end or the other. Tried swimming tonight and just floated the other way up. Walking is also unplesant. Our pregnant friend is less inflated!

My GF and I cooked some lentils soup back in the day, both of us being vegetarian. It was a proper soup, none of this runny stuff, thick and filling instead.
In the evening it all began. Luckily as it was a middle of the Summer 1997 and we had a whole semi to ourselves we opened windows and switched cooling fans on. To no avail, the stench was such it befriended us for a couple of days. Her younger sister couldn't believe the smell, she kept looking for a dead rat stuck behind furniture.

When I was 17, I was in the Air Cadets and got asked to assist with the Queen's Birthday Honours presentations (Cardiff Castle). My one and only important job was to stand in a room with her and two of her aides minutes before the start of the Welsh BBC news and give her the nod at the exact second to leave, walk through a porch and down the steps which was being filmed live on tv.

I was dying for a fart and let it out gently in approximately 7-8 tiny peeps. It was absolutely violent and immediately overpowering and I noticed one aide looking a the other accusingly, the other looked back in a similar manner and I stood sheepishly in the corner checking my watch. It was obvious when HRH smelt it, as without saying a word, she promptly left the room and stood in the porch.

Legends! The lot of you! I now have to go back to treating patients and somehow stop laughing...... 😆

My wife bottom burps in her sleep, hilarious!

I tell her and she tells me im lying, I even recorded it once and she still didn't believe me!

[img] [/img]

Fair play - farting infront of the Queen, that is an achievement to be proud of. Not just farting in front of her but making her leave the room! Not many people have ever made the Queen do something.

I once let rip a fart in bed that was so vile, so disgusting, and so corrosive, it made my ex-wife retch. Even i thought it was a bit fruity, but by that time I was laughing so hard that I didn't care.

I had to go and shake the duvet outside to clear the smell by the time she got back from hugging the toilet.

That was not the reason we got divorced...

[url= http://www.misternicehands.com/ ]Clicky linky...[/url]

Pure gentlemanly class from CFH :p

Great letter in the Grauniad last week:

• When being presented to Elizabeth I, the nervous Edward de Vere, Earl of Oxford, was unable to prevent a loud fart (Letters, 11 February). Mortified, he did not attend court for seven years. When he summoned up the courage he presented himself to the queen, who said: "We have forgot the fart, my Lord."

Ahaaaa, splendid. I love the Oasis story, Orangista. Think I'll teach my nephew that one next time I'm down.

Reminds me of my sister and her friends when we were young; they'd fart into camera film tubs and snap them shut quickly, before releasing it smelling-salt style under the other's nose. This continued when the friend moved away to Jersey; camera tubs were posted to and fro and obviously had to be smelt just to see if the waft survived the journey. Happy happy days. May farting NEVER lose its humour.

Oh and crop-dusting. Pure genius. The executive office is getting dusted next week...

This continued when the friend moved away to Jersey; camera tubs were posted to and fro and obviously had to be smelt just to see if the waft survived the journey. Happy happy days.

😆 Brilliant. Simply brilliant.

May farting NEVER lose its humour.

Amen.

Why aren't there any ladies posting on this thread? 😕

Because they [i]pretend[/i] they're too mature for it.

Like my missus gets in a rage when I'm dropping air mud. But it always turns to laughter when I make them noisy for her. As a warning, y'know, so its not unexpected.

[quote=stayhigh]was greeted by the biggest bog monster I have ever seen.

When I was in the army, I entered trap three in the barracks one afternoon to be confronted by something that genuinely did resemble King Kong's finger. It was so large that it hadn't made it to the water, but was wedged defiantly across the neck of the pan. It was a curious mix of disgust and wonderment that passed through my mind. You could have charged people to look at it in a sideshow.

My favourite fart story though, was during a shopping trip with my gran when I was a young lad. Halfway through traipsing round the supermarket, I felt the inevitable brewing. I thought I should mind my manners and it would be polite to put some distance between myself and my gran. So I wandered off, when I thought the coast was clear I parted with a particularly foul serving of bumgas and made myself scarce. Unfortunately, I was young and inexperienced, so had done this in the chilled foods aisle, where the lack of circulating air effectively lays a deadly trap. I'm not sure who was more surprised, but I still crack myself up laughing when I think back to the "WTF!!" look on her face as she wandered past the dairy products.

As a courier, I often had to use the facilities of various places I delivered to. On smart office in the City, I went in only to be confronted by something the size of a baguette. The tip extended above the top of the pan. I couldn't believe it's origin was Human. I tried flushing it, but alarmingly, it had completely blocked the outlet, causing the water to overflow onto the floor, with bits of faecal matter splashing everywhere. I had to run away, and exclaimed loudly that 'some animal has done something disgusting in there, they need medical help', so that I wouldn't get the blame. The secretary went in to investigate, and ran out screaming. I made my exit a this point, but later learned the office had had to be evacuated until sanitation engineers had been in to make the place safe. Lordy. To this day I can't believe such an scatological abomination could emanate from a Human Being. 😯

King Kong's finger

just.... brilliant

I havn't laughed so much in ages! Some of the stories in this thread are simply epic.

One night in a club with my mate right in the middle of the dancefloor I let go with a proper shredder then legged it. I looked back to see a large empty space surrounding my mate in the middle of the dancefloor. Did the same thing in a busy bar a few weeks later, left my mate at the bar with one of my own savage rippers only to have him come over and simply say "you ****".

Public transport is my personal favorite. Getting up from a seat on the bus, in winter when the heating is on, and letting a long one go as you walk down the aisle and get off.

Recall parking a 'showstopper' in my parents bog. Gave up after 3 flushes and went in search of a disposable plastic spoon or something similar to chop the behemoth up into manageable chunks.

Cue my father confronting me in the hall. He had heard the multiple flushes and came to help his lad.

He was bearing (and I still can't believe this) [b]a plastic spoon[/b].

'Think you'll be needing this!'

Is this the next picolax thread? Genius!

this is the funniest thread i've read since picolax

its just taken me the best part of half an hour to read, due to much eye wiping (oo'er) and numerous attempts to calm one's self.

thankyou 😀

this is like b3ta question of the week. may as well add my own.

Student union bar in Hull circa 1994-5. gathered around a table, with mates, sussing out the girls coming in. all buzzing, beers in, place filling up, everyone checking each other out. Thinking I'm gonna get lucky. Bar got really packed.

I'd got into batchelors Beanfeasts... say no more. A real, rancid, expuslsion of fermenting beany mincey gutrot came out.

a very large space formed around our table, and behind me, there was no getting away from it. No way I could deny it. people spread away from me and forgot their nicey nicey student personas and just looked at me like filth. I just smiled and carried on....

I think we still had a good night, but it sticks in my mind. and probably those guys out there still remember it!

This is the best laff I've had in ages. Truly brilliant stuff.
Since I'm in another timezone, and am waiting for the uK to wake up... any chance of a linky to the Picolax thread ?

I've searched but can't find it !
(never got on with that search function anyways ! )

Edit:
Never mind.... thank you google !
http://www.singletrackworld.com/2009/02/the-picolax-thread-returns/

Has anyone ever tried sulphur tablets? Haven't found them in shops for ages unfortunately, but if you want to reek revenge on someone for farting, find some. One is all it takes.

And the story behind them - my mum used to take them with her cousins and brother and all jump in a tent. There followed a competition to see who could stay in the longest! Thats my mum that is! *is proud*