Forum menu
My partners mum died just over a week ago. It's been a long time coming as she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 5 years ago. For the last four years she was in a care home, which was a long way from us but relatively close to her brother.
So the thing is my partner feels guilty, about almost everything. Guilt that her mum was in a care home, guilt that her mum was in a dementia unit, guilt that the care home wasn't perfect, I could go on.
I feel that we did the best we could, we weighed up the pros and cons and tried to do the right thing. Her mum wouldn't want her to beat herself up like this.
Does anyone have any pointers? Some counselling? Some online resources or a good book, she loves a book.
I'm sorry for your loss. Went through this myself a couple of years back, potted version my mum broke her leg and went into hospital and never came out. We knew she was deteriorating and something was wrong (and it was, sufficient that a serious incident investigation and coroner inquest followed) but - and this is the parallel - "didn't make enough of a fuss early enough" - that's my self criticism
I think what she's going through is normal, part of the grief cycle. Anger, at almost anyone and anything whether rational or not, is part of it. It'll pass but it'll take time and it'll get better and worse again. Just be there for whatever's needed.
I've got a supportive family I could vent and cry to as needed, so didn't need external help but there are charities for this if needed.
CRUSE.ORG.UK The main thing that she needs at this moment is time. Grief, regret and guilt are normal and healthy emotions, especially when the loss is recent. Trying too hard too early to make them go away can be counter-productive.
I'm not sure time is the answer. My partner constantly overthinks things. She'll feel guilty that she didn't spend enough time with our kids because she would have to go away to be with her mum etc. The guilt associated with her mum has been present since we decided that she needed to go into care.
Maybe time will help but we've been having the same conversations for the last four or five years.
Grief is a process and the "Five Stages of Grief" documented by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross seem to match what I felt when I lost people close to me.
Your partner's grief is still very new. Even if you know it is coming the actual death of a loved one still hits very hard.
Rather than trying to get your partner to read books or go to counselling I would focus on how you can understand and support her whilst she grieves. Often this is simply just quiet, patient support and being there to listen.
Also understand that the process is not linear. You may think your partner is making progress only for her to be overwhelmed again late on.
This page may have some information that will be useful.
SUERYDER.ORG
Sorry for your loss. My mum died just over a year ago. As I live a long way from where my mum lived the burden of support and organization of funerals etc fell on my sisters more than me. I would say that neither of them were really able to begin to grieve until a few days after the funeral Both sisters have loving partners who were able to support them when needed It just takes time, could be days weeks,months there'll always be unexpected moments when something reminds your wife of her mum.
Everyones grief is their own. there are no right and wrong answers. With that in mind:
With dementia you get the process really drawn out as the dying happens over a long time. The person you loved is gone but the body remains so you are "stuck" and unable to grieve properly.
Kramer is right in general that time is the best thing at the point of death however a little counseling at this point can be helpful even if all it does is reassure you that your feelings are normal and to validate those feelings. However as this has been a process over many years this general advice may not be right - she may be ready for some counseling now
I had a couple of half hour sessions in the immediate aftermath of Mrs TJs death and a load 18 months later. the initial stuff just gave me validation, the later stuff helped reset my thinking
I am a big fan of person centred counseling and a good counselor will be able to tell if you are ready. As ever the key thing is the relationships between the counsellor and the counsellee
So my advice would be to contact a cousellor now, have an initial or assessment session and then take their advice
PM me if you want the name of the person I used. I thought her excellent
Yes, there's a chance that time alone may not be enough, but often it is, and there isn't much evidence that early intervention is beneficial, and in some cases it can be harmful. That's why most bereavement charities tend to have a time limit of about 12 weeks after the loss before they'll offer counselling.
IME of seeing a lot of grieving people, most often what benefits them is reassurance in the early stages.
Rather than trying to get your partner to read books or go to counselling I would focus on how you can understand and support her whilst she grieves. Often this is simply just quiet, patient support and being there to listen.
This is great advice.
My point Kramer is partly that she may have already been grieving for some time as is common with dementia
There is no one size fits all Cruz did not offer any counselling until 18 months after the death but I was ready before that
It's very easy to think "woulda coulda shoulda" after the event but it's futile, you can't change the past. You CAN affect the future.
When my mum died a couple of years back there's a raft of things I could have done differently. But the truth of the matter is that I couldn't because I was a ruin of a man and had to do what I could to protect my own sanity. I did the absolute best with what I had, I wish it could have been more but it couldn't be helped. Beating myself up will change nothing.
It's very easy to think "woulda coulda shoulda" after the event but it's futile, you can't change the past. You CAN affect the future...
Beating myself up will change nothing.
Whilst there is some truth in this it's quite simplistic to say "don't beat yourself up", sometimes people need to be helped to work through this stage because they can't see that.
I had a lot of guilt issues when my father died and it hit quite bad about four months later, seeing a psych helped me realise I had nothing to be guilty about, in fact quite the opposite. So I would suggest counseling at some stage might be of use.
It is what it is.
What's happened has happened and you have no influence on that.
You/she did what you thought best at the time. If at the time the mum going into a home was the best solution then it was the best solution.
After the extent we've got time to think and assess what we could have gone differently.
Eight years later I still kick myself that I didn't spend my mum's last night on this earth with her because she wanted to watch some Ant & Dec shite on TV so I went to the pub instead. I'm a ***I.
I
Grief has no timeframe. Something I read in an interview with an artist whose music I know well. She’s absolutely right, having read the five stages of grief, it didn’t correspond with my own experience. There are so many different variables, everyone goes through so many different emotions, it’s just not possible to really know what to say to any one person based on one’s own experience, I know I don’t, I’m afraid. 🙁
When my mum died a couple of years back there's a raft of things I could have done differently. But the truth of the matter is that I couldn't because I was a ruin of a man and had to do what I could to protect my own sanity. I did the absolute best with what I had, I wish it could have been more but it couldn't be helped. Beating myself up will change nothing.
For me, this is the bit that maybe gets forgotten first - the crap that you are going through while the person dies. The lack of sleep; the constant anxiety; the constant checking for updates on the phone; the dread that any phone call immediately brings; the lack of me-time because you are spending all day in work and then visiting or ferrying other people around or doing chores... leaving the house before 8 in the morning and getting home at 10; trying to be a normal person outwardly to people who don't know what's going on.
And then guilt at the relief you feel when you don't have all of that.
As above. Also, in my experience of working in mental health, guilt is the most useless of all the emotions. Guilt helps nobody but drags people down. Try hard not to feel guilty!
Whilst there is some truth in this it's quite simplistic to say "don't beat yourself up", sometimes people need to be helped to work through this stage because they can't see that.
Of course it is an oversimplification, it's like telling a person with clinical depression to cheer up a bit. It wasn't exactly what I was meaning but, well, a bit of reassurance can't hurt.
I ended up being referred for grief counselling after my mum died. I went to one session and then it was cancelled because the counsellor's husband suddenly dropped dead. Only I could lose a bereavement counsellor due to bereavement, if it were a TV show you'd think it far fetched.
She was no help anyway, she was really softly spoken and one of the other funsies going on in my life at the time was that an infection had sent me deaf so I could barely hear a word she said. I mentioned this to her and she replied "this is just how I speak." I felt like puncing her in the shin to see how quiet she was then.