[Closed] How long before a new relationship? Settle my mind please.

Everybody is different. The time is right when you say it’s right, not anyone else.

Rachel

Only you can answer that....

..unless if Jodie Comer is knocking on your door, in which you need to just crack on, irrespective of what your feelings or sensitivities are telling you. We would all expect that.

10s to 10years, everyone is different and circumstances are different. But you will know when you are ready!

If it was me I suspect it would be years. Other folk maybe less. To ask that after 4 months does make you a bit of a dick however. I’d be disregarding pretty much everything they say as the words of a clown - irrelevant.

it me being overly sensitive about it

Wouldnt have thought so no

or should I just try and forget it was ever said/brush it off sort of thing.

Probably a better bet than hitting him

Haven’t spoken to him since.

Seems fair.

Not the most sensitive thing to say but maybe don't take it to heart.  Perhaps just a sign off awkwardness and not really knowing what to say in your situation.  Person might be kicking themselves for it now.  Either that or they really are lacking in empathy, in which case not talking to them seems a good move.

Insensitive, but almost certainly not meant in a bad way..... don't push them away for that, but I wouldn't ignore it either, just tell them why it wasn't time to be saying that.

(of course depends if they are a friend or a casual work acquaintance type, if the latter and you don't need them then feel free to just let it go)

After nigh on 40 years of marriage my dad was in a relationship 3 years after mum died. It was right for him at that point. 4 months would be a bit quick especially as you have children at home and likely to be there for another 10 years or so. Some blokes like me are not good at reining in their inner voice try not to be too hard on your friend.

Will have to Google jodie comer, no idea who she is.

He was at the funeral too. At the reception afterwards he said to me he noticed some of the women were eyeing me up. Just remembered that now. Wasn't thinking straight at the time and hadn't realised what he said. He must be one of those that clearly doesn't.care (i don't think i am allowed to put down what i want to say about it).

Edit, broken forum and crappy quoting and duplicate post

He is more of an acquaintance than a friend, but needed to be at the funeral. Hard to go into why here but there was an extremely good reason. If it weren't for this reason then he would not have been asked to attend.

Only you know whether the chap is a dick or not from your past experience with him, but people that you know probably won't know what to say to you at the moment.

Some will be naturally good at saying the right thing, some will make horrendous clangers - like this chap.

Don't hang him out to dry though - his intention might just be trying to make you look forward, in his own clumsy way.

Or he might be a bell-end.

Is he on STW? 🙂

EDIT:

At the reception afterwards he said to me he noticed some of the women were eyeing me up. Just remembered that now. Wasn’t thinking straight at the time and hadn’t realised what he said. He must be one of those that clearly doesn’t.care

It's really hard without knowing the guy, but that doesn't sounds like someone that doesn't care. More like someone that's a bit on the spectrum and is just trying to make you feel good.

Will have to Google jodie comer, no idea who she is.

Watch Killing Eve on iplayer then you'll understand.

people dont think mate, but i wouldnt take it too hard.

we are all different.

i have to say, in your situation i wouldnt be rushing into anything. if it was a divorce agreed on both sides, i would be at it like a horny teenager........... ;o)

I still have images of Ton's beery wrestling match in my mind. That ^ hasn't made it any better.

Yeah I would say he’s just trying to be friendly - I don’t think I’d be ‘eyeing up’ a grieving husband at his wife’s funeral, more like just looking on with compassion.

Don’t read too much into anything he has said - just use your gut feelings to guide your decision making in the future (my motto is “if it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t right).

Erm..

Not.

Yet.

HTHs..

You don't need insensitive comments such as those at the moment.

One day you may feel ready, but that's probably far off into the future.

Just stay away from him and carry on coming to terms with what's happened to you. Everything is hurting atm and that's normal.

Bunnyhop x

I would echo all of the above, does sound very insensitive but as people have stated he maybe just isn’t sure what to say to you right now.. it’s all still very raw.

The first time I saw my brother in law after his wife (my wife’s sister) passed away earlier this year I certainly had no words for him so just made idle chit chat awkwardly for about 5 minutes.

His wife passed away in February and he has good days and bad days but still can’t bring himself to move any of her things. My wife struggles to come to terms with it some days aswell but is now starting to remember all the fun times and laughs they used to have, she still can’t listen to her voicemails though as there are a number from her sister.

You will know when (If ever) you feel ready to look for a partner, if you do don’t feel guilty for it, life has to go on and I’m sure by reading your posts your wife would want you and your kids to be happy.

For now just focus on the imminent arrival of the Gnus mobile.. 👍🏻

Your posts have often caused a lump in my throat as I think you are coping remarkably well and doing a great job of keeping your kids going. One day at a time mate.

ATG +1.

Not everyone has the emotional intelligence or empathy to know instinctively how inappropriate that line of conversation is, or even how to talk to someone who is grieving. While it won't be aimed at winding you up, probably best to give them a swerve for a bit.

It could just have been a clumsy attempt to help boost your self-esteem. There doesn't have to be any ill-will in it

I am that sort of guy. He probably wanted to acknowledge what had happened without getting into a really deep and sensitive analysis. He probably didn't really know what to say so thought he would try to say something positive and forward looking. People, even ones you don't know closely, do care about other people, generally. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Hope I don't sound like a duck.

Whatever you are feeling is ok. Being sensitive to such comments is ok and not unusual.

Be really kind to yourself.

X

Flippin' hell my friend. You are in a position I've never been in and never want to be in. My mother was though and met a few guys whom she later really regretted.

I have no idea how I can offer you advice beyond to take it slow and always follow Rule #1. There is a lot of good advice above, how you interpret and engage with it is your call.

Listen to all advice but only heed that which is good. You are the arbiter of that advice- so it's up to you.

Some folk are right nosy bastards, best ignored.

You'll know when you meet someone mate.

Two of my friends got married again within three months of loosing their partners.

Thanks for all your input. Definitely a lot of varied advice, some of which I hadn't thought of. I never thought of it as maybe he was struggling with what to say. I haven't intentionally not spoken to him, just haven't seen him yet. He seems a good bloke with the right intentions most of the time. I will try not to dwell on it further and talk to him when I next see him.

Or he is gay and trying to get in quick...

Never thought about that possibility......

And with ton being horny too.......

My boss had been married to his wife for 40+ years - been together since their teens and even worked together for many many years. They were one if the most in love couples I’ve ever met.

Nonetheless when she died he met a new partner within a few months. She’s not a replacement by any means and I know he still misses his wife terribly but she is someone different and someone he enjoys spending time with.

I know other people who even after years couldn’t imagine being with anyone else.

There is no right or wrong but even if you happen to meet someone soon after it does not diminish what you had or what you felt for your previous partner.

There is no right or wrong, however i'd say spend a bit of time getting your head straight before even giving it a thought - i think it would be a bit unfair on the other person diving into something new before you're ready.

I reckon you need to go through a year cycle of anniversaries before you start to get your head around your new normal.

However you hear about people meeting someone new within weeks and it all works out so only you can decide when you're ready.

I think that people say desperate, panic led things sometimes. And that people want to offer up hope and want to fix things in a way that makes sense to them. For some people, that means seeing you in a close relationship. It sounds like a clumsy attempt to say they want to see you happy, and will understand if someone new comes into your life.

It's something people seem to do, often well meaning, telling you that if you do find yourself loving someone new, it's OK to do that. Not that anyone needs permission.

I'm glad you didn't smack him. People say the most astonishing things when they don't know what to say. And when you're emotionally raw there's that thing when you can select things which have more meaning for you than they do for the person saying them. I've still not got over some of the things my mum said to me 13 years ago when I was widowed, nor have I forgotten being asked by someone whether I'd be moving back home (weird, people are weird).

It's a new (and unwanted) life, you change, people in your life change, you'll leave some behind, he may be one of those who you don't opt to keep in, or maybe somewhere down the line you'll start afresh with him.

I’d like to think the guy just doesn’t know what to say to you.

I’d  just ignore him for now, you have enough to think about.

if it continues maybe in a friendly way tell him how you feel, main objective is to keep it stress free for you.

I know a guy who was back on the dating scene within three months and remarried within two years.

Not sayng it’s right, and it caused a lot of friction with his family and kids but it was what he wanted to do.

Funerals can be really awkward especially if you didn't know the deceased too well. It sort of feels like you shouldn't be there.

Now, I've been in this situation a number of times before when dragged along to funerals for wife's acquaintances etc and generally I try to stay as far away from the immediate family as possible and say as little as possible. Things like compulsory line ups etc add to the awkwardness but there is no way I'd be saying that sort of stuff to anyone I'd just say "I'm really sorry for your loss" or something crap like that.

People can be really socially inept though. Maybe he thought you might find such a ridiculous thing funny?

Even though some people move on quickly, that was still a terribly insensitive thing to say. It's certainly not something I would ever bring up unless and until the bereaved is known to be on the market again. Which is entirely for them to decide.

There’s no set time. You’ll be ready when you are ready. Might be next week, next month, next year or never. My advice is park it and concentrate on what’s in front of you. It’s entirely normal to want some human contact, particularly when you are grieving so whatever you feel, don’t beat yourself up.

And go easy on your friend. Sounds like a very clumsy but well intentioned attempt to make you feel good.

As everyone else has said only you will know when the time is right. As for the insensitive bloke, I’d just try and keep my distance. A point on wearing the wedding ring, I can’t see why you’d ever take it off

Haven’t spoken to him since.

I have said stupid insensitive things to people who have lost someone close to them. Hell, I've even done it to with people close to me that I knew had very little time to live. There is a bit of the brain that blurts stupid things at the worst of times. When you have the time and energy, and not before, perhaps try talking to your friend again. Don't feel you have to though, obviously. You probably know if the incident was in keeping with his more general attitude. Go with your gut.

Sometimes people just know how to talk to somebody who has suffered such a loss and tend to skirt around it and just talk almost as if nothing has happened . Your friend sounds as though he might have just not known how to broach the subject and thought a bit of laddish banter would be the way to go . I have always jumped straight in with people in grief situations and talked to them about how they are feeling etc and it has always been well received , although I can understand how it could be a bit wearing if everybody who speaks to you asks how you are doing . With regards to future relationships only you will really know when you are ready but also you can ask yourself what kind of partner you would be for somebody when you are still grieving for your wife . I have never been in a situation like yours but I think if I were I would take things very slowly and if at some point you meet somebody I think that you would owe it to your children to ask their opinion before letting a new person into their lives as well as yours .

Don't know .

Till you want too....

Every ones different