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We have two girls (6 yrs old), both are pretty shy in large group situations. One goes to an acting class (which she wanted to do) but then last Saturday she wouldn't do the Christmas show – she told us on the morning of the show. She was eventually coaxed out onto stage for the last song of a 1 hour show. She wasn't meant to have any individual lines or anything, just backing singing etc so not really a great deal of pressure(ie, worry of fluffing lines etc).
Fast forward to yesterday and the school Christmas show - the one that does the acting class managed to say her single line and generally *coped* with being on stage but our other girl (who wouldn't even do acting classes as she knew they would lead to doing a show) hid at the back for the whole performance, only coming to the front to do her one line (which was barking as she was playing a dog) so she didn't even have a line to remember, just know when to bark!
Every other child had speaking lines apart from my little girl and some had many lines and all performed really well.
I know everyone is different but I am beginning to worry that her shyness in group situations may start to impede her as she grows up.
Weirdly the shyest of the two is really, really good in smaller groups and making friends (ie on holiday, going into new classes at school etc) and even makes friends with children older than her.
Any ideas?
No pudding?
Are they happy? They are six. Let them grow up
Lambrini
That sounds pretty normal to me, but I hate large group situations too.
Perhaps explain to them that being shy and nervous before performances like that is perfectly normal, even the best Shakespearean actors can feel terrified before going on stage. Help them with ideas to cope, like pretending the audience isn't there or that they're naked.
Some kids are precocious little brats*, don't bow to the pressure to make yours like that.
*And I say that as the father of a 5-year-old who puts her hand up and asks questions in a room of a hundred adults. No idea where she got it from.
My youngest used to be like that. Now she's the exact opposite. People develop at different rates. I'm sure they'll be fine.
MTBidle +1
Don't worry about it - you actually have very little control of how your kids turn out - no matter how much you think you can steer them a certain way!
And this...
Are they happy? They are six. Let them grow up
Are they happy? They are six. Let them grow up
But all I can do is compare them to the other 50+ kids out on that stage – to see that level of shyness suggests she isn't growing up in the same way as the other kids are...
I was very shy at that age, and I never really overcame it. Now I DRIVE the schoolbus! Seriously, it never held me back, I hated performing in front of people then, and I still do now. My 4.5 year old daughter is the same as me. I really feel for her as I know how she must feel in that situation, but there's precious little you can do about it. If they're shy, then they're shy. They might grow out of it, they might not. I just tell Rosa (my daughter) that its okay to feel shy/nervous and that everyone feels it, including Daddy.
All seems fine to me. The worst thing that can happen when you're shy is everyone giving you shit about somethign that is an innate personality trait. Makes you feel really crap about yourself.
But all I can do is compare them to the other 50+ kids out on that stage
Very big mistake. We're all individuals, let us be what we need to be.
to see that level of shyness suggests she isn't growing up in the same way as the other kids are...
What do you want, a clone? Shyness is not a defect! They will probably grow up the same as all the other hundreds of millions of shy kids in the world.
You could ask "Do you want me to help you do X?", see how they respond.
We build our own lives on our own foundations, with the plans we prefer. Your job is to help that process, not take over and change their plans. Of course there are times when they make mistakes growing up, you need to help [i]them[/i] make the right choices [i]for themselves[/i] and spot when they might've made a mistake.
But all kids aren't the same - they all develop differently.
My daughter is 13 this weekend - she'll never be one of the 'cool' kids at school, she just won't bend her ways to fit in, and she's fine doing things on her own, or part of a group.
But she'll never have (or need) and army of friends.
Tequila or cocane usually perk people up and make them chatty. Try that and report back.
If not, accept they they will find their own way in their own time. Not everyone is an extrovert and "trying" to help them can sometimes make them massively go the other way.
I hated performing in front of people then, and I still do now.
This is the worry.
The thing is, I was very shy as a child too but I self-identified it as a teenager so I took drama as an option at school then went on to tour guide at a local visitor attraction now I couldn't give two hoots and the only thing that stops me from 'performing' is that I'd embarrass my wife and kids :-). Hopefully my girls will work out the same eventually.
and "trying" to help them
We aren't trying anything (she didn't want to do acting so she didn't - she goes horse riding instead) but I just wanted some thought son the situation which I am getting thanks 🙂
why?This is the worry.
I have a (fairly) significant phobia about talking in front of groups (performing if you like).
I've faked illness to get out of being forced to do it at school and avoid it like the plague at work.
It's not exactly hindered me in any way.
It's just something i don't enjoy, so i try to avoid it, like clothes shopping.
why?
Because I would prefer them to have confidence in themselves.
Because I would prefer them to have confidence in themselves.
It's possible to have confidence in yourself and still be a shy person.
Doesn't sound like there's a problem to me, just let them be themselves rather than possibly putting them in stressful situations to put your own mind at ease.
Because I would prefer them to have confidence in themselves
Having confidence in yourself does not always manifest in the ability to talk in front of large groups of people.
I was exactly the same as a kid, quiet, astonishingly so. I was confident though, I knew what I was good at but I didn't need to shout about it. I was also stubborn so if my parents tried to force me into doing something I absolutely would not do it. I am now a (reasonably) well adjusted adult who talks to people for a living, so don't worry at all.
If it helps (it won't) the best thing I ever did was getting a job in a restaurant, I had no choice but to talk to people.
johndoh - Member
Because I would prefer them to have confidence in themselves.
Unless you reckon they should be applying for The Apprentice next year, I think you can probably chill out for a while
Kids change all the time, our son has gone through shy/not shy phases for most of his 18 years. He's coping fine with life.
It's possible to have confidence in yourself and still be a shy person.
Possibly, I am not trying to make this into an argument about the situation, rather get some advice thanks.
it could also be early onset EMO of course
don't make a big thing of it, don't overthink it:
- encourage them to do things out of the their comfort zone but nothing too major and don't push it if they don't want to
- give them opportunities to take the lead on things in public, maybe on your behalf... e.g. ordering food at a restaurant for the family, but don't make a big thing of it
I think there is something about humility with some shy people in that they think that all the attention is on them, when in fact a lot of the time it isn't, or if it is it's only for a brief moment and will quickly be forgotten.
I don't have any issues with confidence, when I'm doing things i have confidence in.
Our eldest (4) is a bit the opposite and goes in with both feet which is often met by rejection as the other kid freaks out, it's not nice to watch how upset this can make him. Probably part of intrinsic character but we're trying to show him how be a bit more subtle. Whilst they're young they take most of their cues off you so try and exhibit the behaviours you want them to emulate, as in consciously make it visible to them, not that you're not doing it already.
It's possible to have confidence in yourself and still be a shy person.Possibly, I am not trying to make this into an argument about the situation, rather get some advice thanks.
Definitely, don't mistake shyness for a lack of confidence. You can have confident introverts who shy away from being the center of attention but also have extroverts who are not at all confident (and like to be the center of attention to make them feel better).
Reassurance would be my suggestion. If they are nervous then talk to them about why and why they needn't be (what's the worst that can happen). Also try to help them push their comfort zone in small ways so they are developing.
Hated drama at school, would avoid all activities like it, speaking in front of large groups was not for me. It hasn't stopped me from doing presentations for previous employers when needed as it was a topic I was happy with in later life.
Interesting that you talk about drama and acting both in your daughters' experiences and your own response to identifying your shyness. I remember in the Child of our Time programme, which followed children born in 2000 (and relevant to me because my older son was born late 1999), that Robert Winston suggested everyone is either shy or not in more or less equal measure and that this is an inherited characteristic like eye colour. It was a revelation to me (as a shy person) to realise that everyone is acting to some extent during the course of their day and I (as a dentist who lectures a bit) do it all the time!
Both my children are shy, one more than the other, and in the past I have suggested role play as a way of dealing with situations that may arise. That's never really happened but I have two teenagers now, one who will happily publicly play complicated musical pieces on piano, euphonium or church organ (!), something I could never do, and the other who, as a chorister, twice sang the opening verse of Once in Royal, unaccompanied, to a packed abbey on Christmas Eve, apparently completely unfazed.
We are indeed all different and, hopefully, with love, encouragement and praise where appropriate we can develop confidence in the things we do well. I'm sure you will look back on this time and wonder why you were worried 🙂
My 2 daughters (5 and 8) have changed as they grow up - and considering they've had quite a stable childhood and been treated exactly the same - they are both very different.
Give them a bit of time, but maybe try to gently coach a little confidence into them??
My 10yr old nephew doesn't lack confidence - he'd stand in the middle of a football stadium and sing his heart out. On every other front he's a disruptive pain in the arse, always causing trouble and just being a flippin nuisance.
Sometimes shy but confident in your abilities is a better trait!
As above; shyness is probably an indicator of intelligence and self-awareness.
My 10 year old lad plays football for an academy team so plays at all professional team academy's and even some first team pitches, has been mascot for Chelsea in a champions league game at Stamford Bridge without any sign of fear but for last 2 years has done the lights at the Christmas performance as he refused point blank to have a part on stage.
I was similar at his age and if honest still don't enjoy presenting to a room full of people but just get on with it as it's my job.
We just encourage him but at same time make it known it isn't wrong to feel nervous and shy..
You might just have a couple of introverts. Nothing wrong with that, at all.
I'd recommend reading "[i]Quiet - The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking[/i]" by Susan Cain. It helped me make sense of myself, and would've helped my parents no end, I think.
There are also Susan Cain TedX talks that are very popular, although I've never seen them.
To help my son with nerves about a school play I reassured him that every parent there apart from us couldn't give 2 hoots about his line and would just be looking at their own kids. Seemed to help.
I'm 40 and still crap in large group situations,
Hate it.
I still shuffle my feet ,and look at the floor.
Guess for some, we will always find this tough?
I'm 50 and still crap in large group situations,
Hate it.
I still shuffle my feet ,and look at the floor.
Guess for some, we will always find this tough?
I am crap one to one also .
Some people are just shy . It's their individual nature .
I'm 30 (plus a handful) and still crap in large group situations,
Hate it.
I still shuffle my feet ,and look at the floor.
Guess for some, we will always find this tough?
Actually, thats not strictly true. Can do presentations but switch off entirely if I'm supposed to be mingling/'networking'
A career in engineering beckons. The few non-introverts who accidentally stumble into the profession quickly realize their mistake and move off to be management where they can squark all they like and be ignored.
Beavers/Cubs, whatever it's called now?
Try a few out locally, see which groups their mates like.
Usually a friendly lot nearby.
^^^ SO unless you want them ending up like this lot TAKE ACTION NOW!
Actually, thats not strictly true. Can do presentations but switch off entirely if I'm supposed to be mingling/'networking'
Yes; they're a different kettle of fish. Mingling/networking or whatever you want to call it is incredibly mentally taxing as I find myself not really giving shit about whatever it is people are talking about.
Infront of a large group of people is not too bad as I find myself not really giving a shit about what people think about me - although recently I've started to feel this probably almost a bit self destructive
I've never really understood why, but there is a quite enormous degree of misunderstanding about shyness / quietness in the world at large. I find the wide acceptance that being shy or quiet is 'wrong' and that it's something to be cured very strange. As mentioned above, imagine if the everyone in the world behaved in the 'confident' style of competitors on the Apprentice, Big Brother, etc!!
I find the wide acceptance that being shy or quiet is 'wrong' and that it's something to be cured very strange. As mentioned above, imagine if the everyone in the world behaved in the 'confident' style of competitors on the Apprentice, Big Brother, etc!!
Yup; those sorts of people are just too self absorbed. Funny to chat to in an ironic sense, just to see what comedy gold they come out with. But you'd never want to knock about with them as a mate.
Mingling/networking or whatever you want to call it is incredibly mentally taxing as I find myself not really giving shit about whatever it is people are talking about.
nail, head.
Those that are good at it seem to somewhat struggle to understand why you simply don't give a **** about people you don't know or care about.