[Closed] Handy Tips Friday

Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

Sit down when having a middle of the night pee. This way you can close your eyes and not worry about your aim.

[i]Sit down when having a middle of the night pee.[/i]

make sure you leave the seat down when you go to bed if you choose not to turn the bathroom light on for sat down midnight wees. Sitting on cold porcelain wakes you up fast.

see, I knew this thread would be fruitful 🙄

Save money on postage, use second class stamps but post them a day earlier.

Never eat yellow snow

dilute your fairy washing up liquid... works just as well, lasts much much much longer.

Save money on personalised numberplates by simply changing your name.

cheers,

EJ53 WAB

Avoid stubbing your toes by walking backwards through dark rooms...

A used shuttlecock makes an ideal wedding veil for a chicken.

Never do your shoes up in a revolving door.

Don't whizz on the electric fence.

joolsburger, what have you got against other avian species getting married?!

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon

Before closing a web page, remember to scroll it back to the top ready for the next user.

SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

A pet giraffe doubles up nicely as a tall thing measurement device.

Save on the expense of going to Ibiza every year by playing loud music in your front garden and sleeping with every second person who walks past the house.

Write your PIN on all your bank cards with a permanent pen to ensure you don't forget it

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

nisbend. I do that!! LOL

Avoid the hassle of changing your underpants every day by putting on five pairs on a Monday morning and removing the outermost pair every evening.

A toilet block placed in the innermost pair of underpants may also keep inevitable smells to a minimum.

Properly deployed, invisible hedgehogs can hasten the departure of unwanted guests.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say: "Know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

Sweet meats can taste like nuts, but that doesn't mean you need a nut-cracker.

Southeastern Trains.

Avoid platform overcrowding at London Bridge station by not cancelling every other train for a change.

BMW Drivers. Pressing your fog lights switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off

Sunday drivers.

Don't!

Motorists, convince other road users that you have a more modern and gadget laden car by simply flicking you headlights on every time you drive under the shade of a tree.

Save time and money on cooking costs by eating boiled ham raw.

CONVERT black labrador dogs into seals by feeding them pastries,
sweets and cakes, starving them of exercise, slipping a pair of
black socks onto their front paws and smearing their coats
in vaseline. Then encourage them to balance a beach ball on
their nose in return for fish-shaped dog biscuits.

eat onions instead of apples as theyre cheaper

To stop getting out of breath when running......set out a little earlier and walk instead.

Avoid the expense of fully carpeting your house by simply attaching two small sections to the soles of your feet.

Save on expensive private English tuition by posting on Singletrack and wait for the pedantic to correct you.

Get free handy gardening tips by taking a picture of your bike in your garden and posting on Singletrack.

Andrew Lansley, cut down NHS waiting times by encouraging people to seek medical advice on Singletrack.

Pretend you dead rich and posh by Googling expensive luxury items and suggesting them on Singletrack.

Let that person in front of you on the Motorway know how angry your are that you haven't got the middle lane to yourself by posting about them on Singletrack.

Errmmm! I best think about getting ready for work.

Cheer yourself up at the next funeral you attend by hiding a tenner in your black suit today.

Wait til Drac goes to work and then try to dodge the @£%$ing swear filter on Singletrack.

Not be long just had me tea.

STW users. Pretend you haven't copy & pasted TwopTwips jokes onto your post by simply de-capitalising the first word.

Save on expensive private English tuition by posting on Singletrack and wait for the pedantic to correct you.

Quickly stop children from chocking on ice cubes by pouring boiling water out of the kettle down their throat.

Bait mousetraps with quinoa instead of cheese to catch mice that are idieting.

never work with family